TOM'S A Day WITHOUT Shoes Challenge

My company hauled our asses up to the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower sans shoes to do this thing for Tom's - One Day Without Shoes.  Here, for your enjoyment, are Leigh Anne and Young Jonathan. And me, of course.  All acting like idiots. 

To be fair, this laying down and taking the picture from above from YJ's idea.  I didn't look down the entire time up there. 

 Yup, that would be me hiding behind him.  Who knew he was taller than me?

 I love my city.

 Not even out there yet.  Too skeered.

 YJ was even more scared than we were I think.  He tried to play it cool.

 This is my other young friend, Justin.  He was fearless up there.

 NO WAY.  NOT DOING IT.

OK, here's a little fake forced, I ain't skeered smile.

I don't know what y'all are so afraid of.  This is nothin'.

Mr. Cool.

We did it!  Holding hands like two proper old biddies. 

It's Not Me, It's the Hormones

Well Well Well.  We have arrived at the point in which I can confidently say, we are doing IN VITRO FERTILIZATION.  Cue DUN DUN DUN sound here.

KATY SMASH.

Now, I am on week two of the birth control pills and I have a rash that is causing me to break out into scratching spasms at all times, day and night.  Mostly out of a dead sleep and my poor husband.  MY POOR DEAR HUSBAND.  Who will help me administer my first actual shot tonight. 

This is how I think I look most of the time:

When in all reality, THIS is what I look like at all times lately.



This is what trying to scratch everywhere on your body looks like when you try to do it using only your mind. 
Tip - IT DOES NOT WORK. 



I have bruises all over my body from the scratching.  I have tried everything so please you really don't need to write or comment to tell me what I need to do. 

IN FACT, can we all just agree that if your first response to this post is to write me to tell me anything about what I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE DOING OR FEELING is probably one that you should keep to yourself.  I know, your aunt Minny or cousin Betty got pregnant when they just relaxed or when they adopted or all that.  Please.  I've heard enough of these stories to last a lifetime.  I know you mean well, or at least I'm hoping you mean well, but please respect our process and don't ask questions or tell me how I should be doing things.  Don't try to tell me how to do this or try to fix me.  In short, mind your own damn business.  Please respect our privacy. I put out as much here as I'm willing to put out for you.  That's it. 

I am someone who is no stranger to mental health facilities. I have spent time as a patient on psych wards. This hormone shit is fucking with me. It's fucking with my sanity. So, I am trying to get to more meetings. I am talking to people who have gone through this and when they say, "that's normal", I believe them.  I am not making a lot of plans right now.  Because chances are, I will break them.  I can barely get my ass out the door to work right now most days.  I am a crazy hormonal monster. My only saving grace is people telling me I don't "look" crazy. Jesus.  I put in the effort to look nice lately as that makes me feel a bit normal. 

 However, I take all this mental health shit very seriously.  Because my sobriety hinges on it. So, this is my gig in my head lately, "I feel like crap, I feel like crap, I suck, everything sucks, I have no motivation to do anything, I am just going to screw everything up anyway so what's the point, I am not healthy, I am spiraling into a pit of despair, cry cry cry, oh my that's pretty funny because you know what?  everything is actually really fucking great.  I am sober, I have a great husband and a great life and this shit that I'm feeling is just these stupid hormones that are going through my body that are new and different and I am still Katy and I am just fine.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH be mean to my husband and people around me and maybe smash things with my mind and the daggers in my eyeballs, but wait, calm down, everything ok.  EVERYTHING IS OK.  EVERYTHING IS OK". 

Rinse, repeat repeat repeat.

I keep going back to, this is not me, this is the hormones fucking with me.  I am Katy.  I am calm and serene and everything is just fine. Well, yesterday at Easter I actually told people in my family how I am.  And after the look of shock wore off their faces, they were nothing but loving.  I realized how I am usually the one who listens more than expresses how I am feeling, but right now, no holds barred.  I need to get through this shit.  And I need people to hear me and just listen to me and my crazy. 

This little ditty is with me today because I believe I can be crazed and still have my dignity and laughter at the same time.  And strength, well, I know I have that.  Fear?  Of course I have fear.  We all do.  But that doesn't mean we can't walk through it with grace and dignity.  Maybe a bit clumsily with a few trips along the way, but still, dignity.  Always dignity. 

I have quit drinking. I have quit smoking. I have quit anxiety medication. I have quit a lot of things. I have learned to eat well and be healthy. To eat REAL FOOD. I have learned to honor my body and my spirit, finally. But even now, my first instinct is usually something self destructive. I play that through and make a good choice MOST of the time today. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. The facts are that I have everything I need today. And man, does that feel good.

My husband and I are good.  We are great and we have great support from family and friends and good medical people working with us.  We are lucky.  We are incredibly lucky that we even get to try this.  So, in my own way, making fun of myself and what a horrible monster I am by making jokes and doing funny postings is how I deal.  If I am laughing, I am not crying and THAT my friends are where my emotions are today.   Laughing or crying.  Not much in between.  So yeah, I am a terrible fucking emotional monster right now. Who is itching like a crazy person.  Who is driving her poor sweet husband crazy.  We want a baby.  We are trying this first.  Welcome to our journey.  You are with us or you are against us.  Hop off now, if you are against us please.  There are better places for you than with me. 

The rest of you, get ready.  This is going to be an excellent ride.  Now, come over here and scratch my back. 



Excuse Me, I'm Trying to Avoid You

We have a problem.  You are on the train or the bus in the morning going into work.  YOU SEE SOMEONE YOU KNOW.  Either you work with this person or you know them from a one night stand or they fired your ass for passing out drunk in the lobby of the Prudential Tower, or you know,  they are somebody's sister or something totally and ridiculously uncomfortable.  Whatever.  WHAT DO YOU DO?

It's a problem that many before and many after me will encounter and never quite know how to handle without being incredibly rude or incredibly passive aggressive. That's not in my wheelhouse, the passive aggressive thing, so incredibly rude is usually how it rears it's ugly head. I usually will say something like, "I'm sorry, but I really need to just chill for a while before going into work, do you mind if I read/listen to This American Life (people love it when you drop the NPR bomb. It makes you seem super smart and worldly, not stuffy at all or pretentious in any way).



If you don't feel comfortable throwing out the LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME CHILL FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF HELL, here's a helpful list to get you back to your headphones and that glorious Weird Al music you so enjoy at the butt crack of dawn to get you pumped up for the day.

1. Wear a disguise each and every day.  We all know about fake mustaches.  Even finger mustaches can work in a pinch, but by god do SOMETHING.  I like bonnets myself. 



See?  None of you would know this handsome devil is actually Mel Gibson in a clever disguise.


2. Bring a cat with you.  Preferably in a stroller, a la Sally Boy here,



People love cats.  I find.  Especially when on public transportation.  And they especially love when you do something creepy and weird like make them cradle your widdle biddy baby boy and swaddle him and ask if you want to kiss the teeny widdle baby.

3. Act like you are a blind person.  Seriously.  I've seen it work on my favorite show, Pretty Little Liars.  Jenna here, is blind or isn't really blind, from an explosion the gang rigged to go off, but they didn't really think Jenna would be in there, and NOW, they all have to pay for what they've done.  And make sure you use one of those sticks because that really makes people stay away from you.  I mean, who wants to help a blind person with anything?



Shhhhhhhhhh.  These dark glasses will make anyone rethink approaching you and entering into a conversation.  And, you can just glare at people with a scowl.

4. Fake an accent.  Act like the person trying to talk to you must have you confused with someone else.  Similar to point number 1. up there, the disguise, a fake accent not only shows how worldly you are, but it's effective in making people feel absolutely crazy. Which they love.  I find the more stereotypes you can employ, the better.  Give it a try.  And for God's sake, BE LOUD.  Everyone knows foreigners are loud. 

So you see, there are several different tactics you may employ in keeping your personal space on public transit.  And if all else, fails, just quietly start saying, "Oh no, oh god no, OH NO NO NO NO, NOT HERE.  NOT NOW!"  While starting to move around really uncomfortably and covering your bottom. 

You are welcome, everybody. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 31

Meeting People is Easy.  Thanks Radiohead*. 

I LOVE being excited to meet new people. It still terrifies me, and being on no anxiety drugs or alcohol or smokes anymore causes me to be a bit, shall we say, AWKWARD about meeting new people.

I have the honor of meeting some fellow bloggers this weekend at the St. Baldricks Baldathon. Sheila from Mary Tyler Mom (who's lovely daughter Donna is the inspiration for her starting all this raising money for Pediatric Cancer business); Deb at The Monster in Your Closet; Karin at Pinwheels and Poppies; Chris at From the Bungalow; Nikki at Moms Who Drink and Swear and Sam from Tripping While Standing Still (She is interviewing for a new jobby and can't shave now, but all monies still go to the charity.  Blog in construction, but stay tuned, it's good!)

Kids with Cancer are the reason we've all gathered together, and some are shaving their heads and we have worked TIRELESSLY to get money donated.  I've given money and I will continue to give money and shout outs and share this info as much as I can because it's so important. 

So, we know what the real mission of this event is.  Now, on to the totally superficial part of it.  I've never met these folks in real life.  I'm mortified when meeting people I admire, especially writers because I FREAK THE FUCK OUT.  I geek out for writers.  I met Augusten Burroughs and I squeeeeeed my underpants.  Seriously.  Just a little bit, but still.

"Katy, Live well and Best Wishes"  SWOON.  One of my "grab if building is on fire" possessions.

I am awkward in person you guys. Sure, I can be witty and cute online, but when you meet me in person, I am a spaz and a half.  I know it's hard to believe.  Now, I've read a ton of people telling Sheila that she should have a drink to calm her nerves at the event.  I don't have that luxury, so it's going to be full on spaz and sheepish drooling over meeting some of these writers and humans I admire so much.

Here's the scene, here's how it's going to go down.  I meet Sheila and the Gang (fresh new musical group!) and I WILL be sweating profusely.  I will have my ecig in my hand at all times, cleverly hidden so that no one will know what it is and may get nervous it's some kind of illegal camera or something. 



"Can you speak up please?  I can't quite hear you."

 I WILL stutter and say, "NICE" a lot.  Repeatedly.  I will hug and touch your hair.  I will want to lick your face.  But I won't do it. I will want to hook arms with you and walk around.  I will want to pet and stroke your hair.  I will drink 8300 Diet Cokes.  I will have to pee constantly.  I will tell you how much I admire you and how beautiful you are.  Even the boys.  I will pet and stroke your bald head after it is shaved for this great cause.  I will want to giggle and whisper secrets and be best friends forever.  I will cry.  I will.  Then, I will act all cool and aloof and charming and sexy as hell a la Joanie Holloway in my new leopard print dress I bought for the occasion.

So, if you survive all of this and still want to be my "friend" and read my work, I salute you.  Here's a tip, you may want to bring your dog whistle to call me off you or your friends. 

This event is going to be great you guys.  It's a bonus to be excited to meet great new people I admire.  You could say it's a THING I LOVE THURSDAY.

*Man, I love me some Radiohead.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 28

I loved going to Disney and Universal.  Most of it.  You know, if you take away the mass humanity and kids screaming and general wanting to punch people in the throat. But you can't, when you go to a place like that, so you just accept that's how it is and try to enjoy the hell out of it.  Which is what we did.

I went with my in-laws.  Who are awesome.  Seriously.  I couldn't ask for a better family than my husband's.  His sister is such a blessing to me in that we have the best time together.  And his parents are the kindest, dearest, funniest people I could ask for.  That's why my Dumpster Husband turned out so kind and funny. 

Anyway, I'm going to share some pictures, like a "what did you do on your vacation" thing.  I'm not posting pictures of my in-laws, cuz as I've said before, not everybody is a total spaz and likes to plaster their photos everywhere like I do. 

Here we go:

This was the first day.  Kelly, my sister in law, found our perfect little family.  Gag me with a spoon.  

Prancing around like a silly ninny while my Dumpster Husband and my Father in law play serious golf.

We stayed at the Irish bar.  Good beer and even Irish Dancing.  I was pretty spaztastic about that. 



The Magic Kingdom.  We're having so much fun we are whistling Zipedeedoodah out of our assholes!

Oh, and THIS happened. I mean, none of us could recover.  My DH is the reason I know anything about The Beatles.  To say he is a huge fan, is an understatement.  Blew our minds.

We went to the Hall of Presidents on Presidents Day.  I teared up a few times.  It was pretty sweet.

and this:

W's boots.  If they weren't behind glass, I would have barfed into them.

Moving on to Universal Studios..........

 I mean, this was so cool.  The Harry Potter thing was totally worth it.

How happy am I to be at the Owl Post?  So damn happy.

Seriously awesome. And that Harry Potter ride was kick ass.  Every second of it. 

A Little Lucidity sent this to me. And truly, I wish you all rock bottoms. Nothing changes unless we are against a wall.  At least it didn't for me.  J.K. Rowling, thank you for Harry Potter and whatever got you there. 

After hitting rock bottom and getting sober, THIS is the only beer I can drink.  It was pretty yummy. 
Cream soda-ish. 

so cool.  The conductor kept yelling, "WEASLEY!".  It was really cute.

Moving on.....

Oh hi Iron Man.  What nice thighs you have.

I even got into my cherry retro swimsuit, which I haven't done in years. And here's the picture of the hot model wearing it.  Because there's no way I'm sharing me wearing it.  But it felt so good to fit into it, that I got a "I'm so happy on myself" moment. 

This guy was outside the condo we stayed in.  I saw several squirrels down there who were quite thin, compared to our Chicago Dumpster Squirrels. 

All in all, a great few days.  The weather was nice, the company was lovely and and the sights were pretty awesome.  I found I still have some pure joy for some things Disney.  I teared up during the Peter Pan ride.  No lie.  I love the Haunted Mansion and Pirates ride.  Even It's a Small World was lovely to me.  I'm not as bitter and cynical as I think I am sometimes. And I'm pretty happy about that.  Now, did I buy mouse ears or t-shirts?  No.  But I don't need to spend a ton of money on shit to prove I had a good time.  That's what blogs are for. 



Things I Love Thursday - Part 27

Guess what?  I LOVE ELEVATOR SPAZ DANCING! 

Now it's become a "thing" over at the Facebook page.  And because it's that page's 6 month anniversary, I am going to re-share the fun over here. If I ever get in an elevator by myself, you know I am taking a pic of spaz dancing for you guys.  There have been 4 pictures in 6 months, so you know how rare it is to land in a Tower elevator by oneself. 

And yes, Security at the Tower, they love me.  I'm like their special little sister.  Something about a small space, covered in mirror and I can't help myself!  I MUST DANCE. 

And because I'm a big ol' spaz, THIS is what that looks like. 

Right now we have 6,278 Divers over there.  And MOST of them are so great that I can't imagine what I ever did before carrying them all around in my pocket at all times.  

If you feel so moved, share your own elevator spaz dancing photos on the Facebook wall over there. 

We would love it. 

Now, LET'S DANCE!

If those don't make you feel how much I love you all being here, I don't know what will. 

Joy, baby.  PURE JOY.  It's a SPAZABRATION. 

Thanks everybody for reading the blog and playing the FB page.  xo, Katy