Things I Love Thursday - Part 53

I get to do a lot of things.  I get to go a lot of places.  I am fortunate enough to get up and out to work every day in a major metropolitan city.  I take public transportation.  I encounter a ton of people on daily basis.  I go to bars, to weddings, to concerts, to shows, just about anything, I feel confident going nowdays.  Hell, I go to family functions.  I may not always like them, but I GO.  You could say I AM A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.

It used to be, I was a girl of myself.  I was too scared and fearful of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING to venture outside of my little world.  Which was too miserable to inflict on others anyway.  And I drank.  I drank to go out in public. I drank to be at home.  I drank to tolerate my miserable self. It gave me courage and made me feel like I could do anything.  It was an absolute crutch.  Real courage is not having any kind of prop to help you walk through life with confidence. 

Before I drank, I always always always felt LESS THAN.  Drinking helped with that.   UNTIL IT DIDN'T. 

And when I stopped drinking I had to learn to do EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.  Because when you drink 24 hours a day for several years, you have to learn to do everything without it.  And that is some scary shit.  I was on meds for anxiety and depression for a long time.  I went off them a bit over a year ago and that has been an adjustment too.  But we are growing, right?  I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life.  The only time I could get out of it was when I drank.  And it was disastrous.  Being sober is terrifying at first. But you walk through it. 

Now, I'm not saying I don't still feel less than.  I do.  But rarely these days.  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is walking around in my own skin like I fucking OWN THE PLACE. 

I used to take great pride in the idea that I didn't need anyone or anything. I was a loner.  A rebel.  Really, it's the opposite that I take pride in now.  I am a part of this world.  I am a part of all of you.  Whether I like it or not sometimes.  But the joy and the gifts I get from choosing to be A PART OF so outweighs the negative. 

Now, this is not to say I'm an extrovert.  I'm a clear introvert.  I prefer being on my own and staying at home to going out most of the time.  I will take doing nothing over doing something almost every single time. 

There is no one and nobody who is more worthy than I am.  And I am no more worthy than anyone else.  PERIOD.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work and praying and working the 12 steps and just saying SCREW YOU NEGATIVE FEELINGS for me to get to this place.  But I can honestly say, I belong in this world today.  I BELONG HERE.    The Promises are coming true in my life.  More and more every damn day I WORK A GOOD PROGRAM. 

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

  -  Y'all know when the word GOD is used in this shit, it means GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING or else I sure as hell couldn't be sober.

If you are part of a 12 step group you are familiar with these great promises.  And, my guess is, you are finding them to be coming true the longer you work your program.  If you are not part of a 12 step program and don't need to be, I hope you have some kind of something that helps you know you are on a path.  A good and loving and positive path. 
  We all need to belong somewhere.  It is a fundamental need as humans.   I had to change my thinking.  I was responsible. It took me a LONG TIME and a lot of heartache to find I belong not only in the rooms of AA, but more importantly, I BELONG IN THE WORLD.  And to think, I almost took myself out of it.  And I know many of you did too.  Or are thinking it's hopeless right now.  IT'S NOT HOPELESS.  Find something to be grateful for and GRAB ONTO THAT SUCKER.  It's the basis for hope.  And you do belong.    YOU SEE ME COMING, YOU KNOW I'M STRUTTING.  That's my motto. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 52

Let's really talk about something serious.

Fall.  BOOTS AND TIGHTS AND SWEATERS AND COATS! 

This is what I love today.  And it is happening. And it is good.  At least in Chicago.  This week. 

It could get up to 800 degrees again what with this fake global warming and Al Gore and his internets nonsense that he just totally made up to make himself seem all smart and shit.  You know what is not real? Science and FACTS. Facts about global warming and climate change don't mean anything......pshaw!

*looks around sheepishly*  You know I'm kidding about all that right?  GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!!  DOOOMED!!!!!

Hall & Oates at 23 weeks! 

These babes are loving the cooler weather too.  They get a bit more support with the tights than with just the summer dresses and they are tucked in tight.  We are snug as bugs in rugs.  Or tights.  ANYHOO, we are comfy cozy and ready for fall.  No underboob sweat and no make up running before you even leave the apartment in the morning.  IT IS FALL, GLORIOUS FALL!!!!!  I wait all year for this to happen and it's one of my favorite reasons for living here.  SEASONS and changing out of the clothes and the shoes and the coats, AH GLORIOUS COATS!!!

I LOVE FALL!!!  Puts a bit of a bounce in your step, doesn't it?  LET'S ALL SKIP!  COME ON!

Things I Love Thursday - Part 51

This shit is WEIRD, yo.

There are babies.  Moving around.  In MAH BELLY.

That brings me to the delightful world of technology and on my phone I have a couple apps that I LOVE.  It's the Thing I Love this Thursday. 

The What to Expect When You are Expecting app:

Can I just bitch for one second that there is not an app for multiples yet?  Like, yes, my baby is a banana (the one fruit I don't eat, hooray!) But it would be so fun to see the two babes in there.  Can somebody please get on inventing that app?  Multiples are taking over the world it seems but there's not an app for this?  I look at these every morning on the train ride into work to see what's happening in there.  And they even have some shit for Dad to look at so my dear sweet Dumpster Husband gets the goods too.  Way to go WTEWYE app!

The Sprout app:

Which clearly shows the babe and what he looks like with little factoids - you will see the the notes on both apps are all about the feeling of movement in the belly lately.  Which, is HAPPENING.  And the little wiener.  AWWWWWWWW.

I've read a couple books, and I have the apps that tell me "what you will be feeling this week or this day" and of course, I have many many incredible women telling me their experience, strength and hope about their pregnancies, but DAMN, this shit is weird, yo.

I'm at 21 weeks now and it's said that I should be feeling something like butterflies or gas bubbles or something.  And I swear it started when we saw Hall & Oates in concert last Saturday night.  And has not really stopped.  That pressure.  Especially whoever is on "belly right" (going off stage right for those of you so theatrically inclined).  It's wonderful!  And strange.  And wonderful. 

Also, I don't want to alarm you guys, but I just looked at my Period Tracker app, and my period is kinda late.

OK, are you ready for an I L L U S I O N?

Here it goes. 



It's just me, posing for my daily "what are you wearing" pic

KABLAMMO.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 50

It's that thing that makes it impossible for me to watch reality TV and laugh at people or think, "I am so much better off than they are."  I'm not.  I often say that the longer I'm sober, the less I know.  And what I mean by that is, I am no one to judge anybody else.  COMPASSION is the Thing I Love this Thursday.

I didn't learn it in church or in school.  I learned HOW TO judge people in those places.   I had to re-learn and train myself based on my own experiences. 

It's not my right to tell others how to be sober, how to parent, how to get pregnant, how to eat, how to dress, how to live or how to die.  I have opinions, I have moments where I am outraged, but it's not my place to put that on other people.  I struggle with this.  I don't eat animals, but I don't put that on other people.  Ever.  And I demand the same in return from people.  Or we have problems. 

I tend to wonder, "how would I react if someone said, did, thought this to or about me?" before I act.  If the answer is not kindly, I try not to do it.  This is new behavior for me, just in the last few years.  And it takes a lot of practice. 

Compassion to me means letting people live their lives and not criticising them for that.  People I meet in real life, on the Internet or just see on TV or read about.  It needs to happen everywhere for me.  And the miracle really is, that it's happening. I feel it.  I feel that compassion even if I don't necessarily understand what this person's life is like or what their choices are about.  Compassion is not agreement.  It is not condoning or even accepting the person's choices and behaviors.  It is simply having the grace and the moment of, THIS IS HOW IT IS FOR THIS PERSON AND MAYBE THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.  Maybe they are having a really hard time and weren't always like this.  We all can understand that, right? 

I find myself CRINGING at pictures on the Internet that just make fun of people.  That somehow say, look at how stupid this person is compared to me.  To us.  That's bullshit.  That is when I unlike people and pages. 

If you were to see pictures of me when I was out of my mind on booze, hell even some pictures of me today when I have on a skirt that is too short or my underwear CLEARLY shows through my clothes, you might think you are better than me.  That's your prerogative, sure, but I can't live that way any longer.  It feels too damn good to have compassion.   

Laughing or criticising the misfortune of others is a lowly lowly sport.  I don't have any tolerance  for that. If you are reading my blog and you are not an addict or alcoholic or a SUPPORTER of us changing our lives, you can leave right now.  I'm taking a stand.   If you want to give me a hard time for not eating animals, goodbye.  We don't have to all agree on everything, but we need to respect each other.

COMPASSION is something that I had to learn.  It didn't come naturally to me.  I had compassion for people who were JUST LIKE ME.  But that was it.  Growing up in a suburb where everyone was just like us made me oblivious to "others".  Then I became "other".  And it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Now, I'm developing this compassion for everyone.  Even if I am completely different from them, it doesn't make them bad and me good.  Compassion is hardest when you need to show it for people you absolutely don't understand or couldn't possibly relate to.  That's the test.  Sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail.  I am working on it.  I want to teach my kids this compassion.  For all.  Not just some.  Not just those we deem worthy.  We are all worthy.  I want my kids to be shown compassion and to show compassion.  That's something I need to lead by example in doing every day.  All the time.

COMPASSION is not always easy.  It's not natural for me.  But it's getting to be more and more so the more I practice. Biting my tongue in some cases and jumping into other cases is how I'm learning we can all do better and be better for ALL OF US.  We all exist together.  We just do.  We can make it more difficult or we can make it more loving.  Today I choose more loving and more COMPASSION.  What do you choose?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 49

I met up with a couple college girlfriends last night that I hadn't seen since we graduated in 1995.   Well, that's not true, one of the girls SAW ME at a Fiona Apple concert years ago out of my fucking mind on booze and I have no memory of it.  She emailed me on Facebook a couple years ago and asked if that was me, I said, yes, that sounds like me and I was at the concert.  Not that I remember it. 

In the neighborhood of Andersonville in Chicago, there is this glorious contraption of entertainment, the Puppet Bike. 

Anyway, I got there early and was sitting outside watching the Puppet Bike when this dude sat down next to me with a duffel bag and gym shoes with no laces.  I know this look.  It's the homeless look OR the look of someone on a psych ward who has had all their laces and belts stripped so they don't try to off themselves.  I have lived both situations.  Anyway, this dude sat there for a minute and pulled out a HUGE hard cover Dictionary and proceeded to read it.  Upside down.  I know this story.  I have lived this story.  I so vividly remember sitting on park benches trying desperately to act normal to appear normal to BE normal while I was casing the people walking around me to see if I could get any cash or favors from them. 

This is the conversation:

Him: "I was going to ask you if you had a smoke but I see you are pregnant." 
My tears welled up as I answered, "I quit smoking right before I got pregnant, so I'm sorry I don't have one for you."
Him: "So you really did smoke?"
Me: "Yeah, I did a lot of things.  I'm a recovering drunk."
JHim: "You sure don't look like one."
Me:  "I've been where you are.   Are you OK?"
Him: "I'm OK, I just wish I had a smoke right now."
Me: "Well I hope to see you at an AA meeting some time.  They are all over the place, there's one right down the street here.  My name is Katy."  And I offered my hand in greeting, which he did not take.
Him: "Uh huh, hi Katy, good luck with your baby."
And off he goes.

Every time I have an encounter like this, I am terrified.  I look at my life today and know I am ONE DRINK away from that man last night.  I don't push AA, I offer it and suggest it and say, this is what I do and it works for me.  I hope it works for you too.  I can't NOT reach out to people.  It makes my husband nervous, but I'm a smart cookie.  I don't take a lot of risks, but I will risk helping someone if I can. 

One of the reasons I loved smoking, and there are many, is that it was a chance to strike up conversations.  Smoking can be a very social thing and there is not an opportunity for that if you aren't in a group with the smokers any longer.  Sure, conversations can happen anywhere, but the smoker conversation is something unique.  You know what I'm talking about.  I miss it. 

I went on to meet my girlfriends for dinner and we were transported back to being 19 and 20 years old and clueless but now with perspective appreciating the shit we went through.  We had each other's backs then and it feels like we do now too - in a very different but lovely way that only people with shared history can have.  We went through a very fucked up Theatre/Acting school for 4 years, and we have a bond because of that.  We laughed a lot and all realize that we were together during a moment in time where we were young and naive and yet thought we knew everything.  We didn't know shit. 

I didn't tell them this story of my conversation with the gentleman wanting a smoke because while he is my people, he is not everybody's people.  He is lost, he is pushed aside by society, but mostly by himself.  He's not lost to me.  Nobody is lost.  They just have to make the choice to start being found. 

The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING FOUND.  By old friends who appreciate you for exactly who you are and all you've been through and for a lost soul BEING FOUND by sheer grace. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 48

I'm going light today.  Or am I?

The Thing I Love this Thursday is the world of MATERNITY. 

I love me some maternity leggings!  They are from Old Navy and they have the full front panel that goes right over Hall & Oates so beautifully.  I AM IN LOVE WITH THESE LEGGINGS.

Easy Peasy for the modern girl of maternity - a big JCrew shirt, leggings and chunky heels.   And why is it whenever I say or hear the word maternity I am INSTANTLY transported back to the 1950's?  WHY IS THAT? Is it so old-timey that it does that others besides me?  Well, I'm utterly OBSESSED with Mad Men and know WAY too much about the show and it's fashion and politics and character motivations.  And I like it that way. 

Long gone are the days of Betty Draper sitting in her kitchen with Francine drinking and smoking and watching little Sally Draper with a dry cleaning bag over her head with the only worry being something along the lines of "if those dry cleaned clothes are messed up you are in big trouble, Missy!"



This is about my favorite scene ever from anything ever.  (ALL these Mad Men photos are courtesy of the mad geniuses at TLO - Tom and Lorenzo - My FAVORITE RECAP SITE if for some reason you don't read them yet, YOU ARE MISSING OUT!)

 Those were the days, weren't they?  I MISS SMOKING.  Yes, I still miss smoking.  I'm not doing it, but dammit, I miss it. 

My two favorites.  Roger and Joanie.  And the ciggy.  Mmmmmmmm. 

And Miss Trudy Campbell here in here cotton candy frou frou come and get me but stay the hell away from me get up?  FABULOUS. 

Y'all know I love me some old school glamour.  I just do.  And most days I'm still wearing my own clothes - meaning non-"maternity" clothes.  WE ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE STRETCHY CLOTHES.  These gals didn't have that back then.  I still wear the cat-eye glasses and the red lipstick and you can pry those from my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch, but shit like this nonsense above, no way.  In my defense, as in the "I didn't just jump on the Mad Men train",  I had these cat eye glasses and red red lips long before Mad Men came on the air.  And will long after it goes off the air.

We are in a great place today in history for women's fashion - and particularly in maternity clothes -  in that we can be all retro if we want and yet have the modern comforts of stretchy pants too.  PURRRRRRRFECT. 

I'm still pinning to my What are you wearing today? board over on the Pinterest.  You will see the transformation from no belly to belly with two babes.  It's fun!  But not NEARLY as much fun as being able to smoke and drink while pregnant.  Sonsabitches. 
   

Things I Love Thursday - Part 47



THIS is about my all time favorite picture of my dad and I.

My dad is pretty damn awesome.

This really tells a good story of my dad.  It's worth it to go look at the pictures.  FOR REAL.  Go.  Seriously.  It's pretty amazing he turned out the way he has. 
My Dad's Mother was Blanche DuBois and Norma Desmond Combined.

My Dad is more open minded, sympathetic, put together, responsible, charming, chivalrous and successful in life than he has any right to be by his upbringing.  My dad SHOULD be a raging alcoholic who smokes unfiltered Camels.  Oh, and be married and divorced several times.  Because that is what his parents and relatives did before him.  But he's not.  Because he chose not to do those things.  He made the decision and just didn't do it. 

We don't have the same dimples or anything.  Not at all.

He SHOULD be a big ol' mess.  But instead he's a great dad and an incredible Grandfather to my peanut nephews and niece.  He has taken care of my mom for over 40 years and not only taken care of her but made her laugh an enjoy life more when they are together.  He's taken care of my brother and I with whatever we could have possibly needed.  He worked so very hard to give us all what we needed and wanted and provided the best in life for us as a family, he still does.  He has given more than a man should.  And that is what makes him a great man and a phenomenal father.

More so today than ever before, I understand and appreciate my dad.  He went through a challenging childhood as an only child of MULTIPLE divorces (see link above) and yet, he came out on top.  He and I had rocky times, as any child and parent will from time to time, but you all know how they helped me get sober and since then, we've worked really hard to have a mutually respectful relationship, and today, we have it.  It's full of love and fun and appreciation.  He has a great sense of humor and I know I get some of it from him.  He is a bit of a dandy - a clotheshorse if you will - and I KNOW I get that from him.  I really enjoy spending time with him today. 

The older we both get, the more I appreciate him. 

One of my greatest joys is seeing and hearing my Dear Sweet Husband with my dad.  I never thought it would happen, but these two have so much in common and my dad gets really excited to see and talk with him.  "Well, I have to tell Christopher about this....."  SO CUTE.  They have a lot in common and their brains are wired similarly.  It's fascinating. 

He loves Sally Boy too.  Who doesn't?

He is so excited for these bumpsters in my belly.  I know he never thought he would be Grampy to what will be 6 kids soon between my brothers kids and mine, but he loves it.  He thrives on it. It's his reason for everything now.  And I'm so grateful I get to watch all that. 

Last time my parents were visiting.  Now one of my favorite pictures.  These two have my heart. 
More than ever with these babies coming, they are my backbone. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 46

It's Thursday.  And the Thing I Love today is MY TOOL BOX. 

I have accumulated if you will, a toolbox. 

Now, picture the actual tools being metaphorical tools, say, the wrench is PAUSING BEFORE REACTING, and the hammer is SITTING WITH IT.   

Not sitting ON it, a la The Fonz.  But just having a feeling, SITTING WITH IT, and not having to act on it immediately and from my gut. I've written before about what an asshole I used to be when I first got sober - the first few years there.  I wrote about keeping it zipped in the workplace, and what a gift that is to be able to SHUT MY DAMN PIE HOLE.

But SITTING WITH IT for me, means something happens or someone does something to me (most times it's not TO ME anyway) and I just don't react.  Similar to pausing, in fact, right after pausing, SITTING WITH IT can mean the time I just digest.  And talk to other trusted people about it.  Meditate on it.   Just FEEL it.  It's OK to just FEEL it.  Even if it's shitty and I feel so pressed to react, I still SIT WITH IT today.  NOT ALWAYS, but so much more than I used to.  I used to drink to not feel this stuff.  It was too uncomfortable to feel uncomfortable.  And guess what?  IT STILL IS UNCOMFORTABLE.  But today, that is OK.  I can still SIT WITH IT and be OK.   

It is yet another tool that is in my toolbox of how to deal with being a functioning member of society these days.  I never learned these tools until I got sober.  It seems so silly and common sensical, but you see people flying off the handle and spreading their bullshit negativity everywhere they go, so it must NOT be that common sensical.  I don't want to be that person any more.  Because I was.  I was angry and I was bitter for a long time.  I gut reacted to EVERYTHING.  I made everything about my feelings.  And guess what?  Feelings aren't facts.  Most times things aren't even about me, and if I just PAUSE, SIT WITH IT and develop a plan, things go so much more smoothly for me.  And for others, for that matter. 

I am not that angry, bitter person anymore because I chose to change. I did a lot of hard work on myself that is still on-going and always will be.  COPING SKILLS.  LIFE TOOLS.  Who knew?   These  tools I've learned through sobriety and I have a chance to make better choices in my life. 

It sounds super hippie dippy trippy, but I'm all about love and compassion today.  I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and I want to give second chances.  Of course, that's where another tool comes out of the tool box, BOUNDARIES.  Healthy boundaries protect me.  I am responsible for myself.  No one else is.  PERIOD.

I know, I hear myself talk sometimes and I want to spank my own face, but this shit works you guys!  It's all part of letting go and just being happy.  Not fighting so hard against everyone and everything has given me freedom to be genuinely happy.  Even the shittiest of times doesn't have to be so shitty, if I use my toolbox and don't rely on old behaviors.  Old behaviors make me sad and unhappy and miserable to be around.  Old behaviors make me drink. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 45 - Double the Gratitude

The Thing I Love this Thursday is - TWO BABIES IN MY BELLY!  

KABLAMMO!  Times TWO!

Let's talk about twins.  Let's talk about one boy and one girl.  Let's talk about going through CVS testing and finding out that both Baby A and Baby B are HEALTHY.

And, ONE BOY AND ONE GIRL! My brilliant idea is to name them Hall & Oates (the girl would be Hall, NAT.), but I can't seem to get Christopher to commit to that.  YET.

We had pretty much one shot here with the In Vitro. And we have gotten the best possible outcome.  I don't know how or why this happened for us and doesn't for so many others and as happy as I am, I also know the heartbreak that others feel as a result of it not working.  All I can say is, my heart goes out to you, I am teary even thinking about it.  Every time I think about it out loud with my husband, we just keep saying, "We are so very lucky."  And I won't stop saying that or believing that for the rest of our lives.  No matter what happens.  When you've been in the shit, You appreciate every damn gift that is given to you.  And I've been in the shit.  I don't regret any of it.   I am absolutely in awe of what is happening.  We can't quite believe it.   You hope for the best and prepare yourself for the worst.

We've been living in this limbo, as the doctors scared the ever loving shit out of us as we are "older" and twins run more of a risk for something being wrong.  So for these last three months, while we've been ecstatically happy to be pregnant with twins, we've been terrified and walking on eggshells.  We didn't know if we would have both babies with us.  We can safely say now that while we are not ever out of danger until they come out of me - and then there's only the rest of their lives to worry about - we feel much more confident that they are both hanging around for the ride.  

We had so much to be grateful for before finding out this great news.  We are the most grateful little family you will ever hope to meet.  I say this all the time,  I deserve nothing.  Life owes me nothing.  So every single gift I am given, I am so grateful for, it's completely overwhelming.  I don't deserve this. It is only through sobriety and doing the next right thing that I have every gift in my life.  Not quickly either.  It starts on the inside and it manifests in that great big smile and belly laugh you hear from me on a regular basis.  GRATITUDE. 

Now, let's talk about serious business from the front:

Complete and utter nonsense from the side:

Things I Love Thursday - Part 44

This is what I love this Thursday.

This is the first item of maternity clothing I purchased when we found out I was pregnant and that it was most likely going to stay that way.  I mean, we still aren't SURE sure, because you can't be, but you know what I mean. 

Anyway, my dear sweet husband is a CUBS FAN.  And, I come from a long line of Cubs fans, so I am all in with him on this.  And yes, that means groans and eye rolls and heartache and a lifetime of being let down and repeated misery.  Why would anyone want that?  Because it also means history and tradition and HOPE.

That's right.  You know we are big on hope here at IWADB.  And that is how I'm spinning this Cubs thing.  My grandparents honeymooned out in Mesa in the stone ages and then went every single year of their very long lives for their one big trip out to Cubs Spring Training.  I find that incredibly romantic and hopeful. 

I choose to find my husband's fandom completely hopeful as he will sit and watch every single game even when they continue to slap him in the face for being loyal.  He gets angry.  He gets frustrated.  He even turns off the games or walks out if he in Wrigley Field.  I've seen it.  But he always goes back.  HE ALWAYS GOES BACK.  Because he has hope.  

He is STUPID WITH HOPE and I find that incredibly noble and sexy. I am all in for the Cubs.  But more so, I am all in for my husband and this baby being a Cubs fan.  Maybe in his/her lifetime there will be a World Series Championship for the Cubs.  Always choose hope.  Even when it comes to baseball.  My husband would say I am completely simplifying this whole thing, but I just know what I see and this is how I see it.  This is how I color this whole thing.

And now, I give you Eddie Vedder and his magical tribute to the Cubs.  SWOON.  

This makes us weepy every time.  Sentimental bullshit?  Yes.  But I choose hope and I'm much happier than saying, IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, JUST GIVE IT UP ALREADY.  We need baseball.  We need the familiar sights and smells and feelings it evokes in us every summer.  And we need to feel that hope of a new year, a new team, a new chance. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 43

I never understood when people said to me, "AS LONG AS YOU ARE SOBER, YOU HAVE A CHOICE." 

Today I get that.  Completely.  When I was drinking, I never had a choice.  I HAD TO DRINK.  My entire life consisted of how to get booze, how to drink the booze, how to act like I hadn't drunk the booze, then, MORE MORE MORE.  It never ever stopped.  To say that was a vicious cycle is kind.  It was obsessive and more important than anything or anyone. 

When I finally put the plug in the jug, I became a human being.  I gained an immediate power in that I had some miniscule kind of control of my decisions, my choices. I cannot stress enough how I was not even human.  I was this thing that had no feeling except how to drink and how to get the next drink.  Blackout-drink-blackout-drink.  That was my "life", if you can call it that.   The first choice is always, "am I going to drink?"  Once that is decided then the multitude of choices that normal people make every single day get to be decided. 

Once I chose to NOT DRINK that day, I had a tiny bit of say in what else I could do that day.  The possibilities suddenly go from NOTHING but the prison of using to ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.  Even if you are in jail as I was, or in rehab or a psych ward or a halfway house - I was in all of them in early sobriety - the internal prison is way worse. 

You can choose to have a real life from the inside out.  Things usually get worse before they get better upon sobriety.  Consequences can last for years.  And the best part is I choose to deal with them today. Being sued?  Being broke?  Getting divorced? Being jobless for a long time with no insurance, I can deal with that.  As long as I don't choose to drink today, I HAVE A CHOICE.

And that, is a beautiful thing.  As long as I don't choose to be an asshole and do the next right thing, my life keeps getting better and better.  From the inside out.  The external is matching the internal.  But nothing pretty outside matters if the inside is rotten. 

The Thing I Love This Thursday is choice.  For that, I alone am responsible.  And I gladly and gratefully accept the responsibility, for it all means that I started out with the choice not to drink today. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 42

I LOVE MINI-GOLF!

When my dear husband and I were wee kids dating in college, in the summer of 1995, we went mini-golfing many times, as he really enjoys it.

Nothing weird about this.  It's a giant cock and we are pretty serious about things.

 I didn't "golf" for many years while we were broken up. When we found each other again in 2007, it began anew.  The mini-golf tour of a Christopher and a Katy.

We've been golfing in the Dells, on top of a cruise ship in the Bahamas, in Door County, on Cape Cod, in Orlando, and now, as of last night at the Bunny Hutch.  I mean, LOOK at that place.  What more could you want?  Right in our own hood!  Thanks to our friend Christa celebrating her birthday there, we got to experience the retro goodness in all it's glory.  We kept saying, WHY HAVE WE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE?  Including the last hole,  which is the FREAKING SEARS TOWER.

See where I'm touching right there?  That is where I work.  I am a GIANT KATY!

 Since our time last Summer at Door County when I wailed on my dear husband wearing platform heels, he cannot give me any shit about playing in them.  So I do.  Of course.  And last night I was only a few strokes behind him and I beat our friend C.W.  I KNOW!  Shocking!  

It's something we enjoy doing and get to be all kitschy and retro and nostalgic about it.  Suits many wants and needs all in one.  Some places even let you drink beer while you golf!  Not me, you know, but my dear husband enjoys that. 

This is the infamous score card from last Summer's smack down by Katy.  It's still on our fridge.  Thank's to DH having the MEAT SWEATS, I wooped his butt. 

 It's good, clean, all American fun, and gosh darn it, we like it!

So, shine up your 5 inch platform heels, put on a dress and let's show these boys how it's done.  We are going again with friends on Sunday.  And they have little twin boys, I'm going to teach them a thing or two about how serious this all is.  They are in for a world of hurt. 

Beware the WRONG WAY HOLE.  You know what I'm talking about.  And you're welcome. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 41

I live in a city people come from all over the world to visit. I don't live in the suburbs and SAY I live in the city.  I live in the city, god dammit.  I pay the taxes, I live here.  When you live in the suburbs and SAY you live in the city, you are a poser.  I may live in the suburbs one day (tear), but I won't ever claim to still live in the glorious and expensive as sin city that is Chicago. 

It's an absolutely perfect day here in Chicago.  Almost 80 degrees and sunny, with no humidity.  These are the days that people who live in Chicago their whole lives dream about during the cold winter months (we used to have winters here, I swear!) and the blistering hot 95 degree days of summer where the smell of urine and rotting food flow through the alleyways and the Chicago River has a certain stink that is not quite identifiable. 

But for today, and quite a lot lately actually, it's just lovely here in my fair City.

And it is a fair city to be sure.  I need a city lifestyle like I need air.  I need to be able to take the train and not have to drive.  I hate driving.  I get nervous driving. Other people make me nervous when I'm driving next to them.  I don't know what the hell they are going to do at any given time.  I need to be able to walk as far as I can to get where I need to go.  I need to be able to see where I'm going a block away and find locations so easily because they are based on a grid and I don't have to drive 10 extra miles and back track if I miss something.  I need to be able to walk down one street and find 18 different nationalities and crazy all within arms reach.  I am pretty vanilla, where I grew up was pretty vanilla and so to be surrounded by flavor and culture is something I crave.  It's exciting and there's always something to see and someone to meet and talk to.  There's usually crazy thrown right in there, and I NEED THAT.

I get to work in a building that is known all over the world.  As much as that is annoying sometimes, it is also, pretty damn cool.  I'm honored to work here.

I just call it the Tower.  It will always be the Sears Tower to Chicagoans.  None of this Willis Tower Nonsense.  YES,  I WORK IN THAT BUILDING!  HOW COOL IS THAT?

There is water.  There is industry.  There is nature.  There is a fantastical story around every corner.  We are on top of each other all the time.  We are in each others business.  WE are responsible for each other.  We are in the Midwest so we are safe from weather and natural disasters.  Nothing terrible weather wise happens in the city the way it does on the coasts. 

One of our friends gave us this poster as a gift.  It's in our kitchen now.  He said they reminded him of Chris and I.  I just love the "beautiful churches".

My parents were in town last weekend and we went to the Chicago History Museum.  Which was really freaking cool.  There is so much history here.  Some good, some bad.  Some damn crazy.  We have politicians that make headlines constantly.  We have a great public transportation service.  We also have the lake shore, the skyline and terrible sports teams.  We have epic AA here.  I am so blessed to live somewhere with so many great meetings at all times.  We have music and theatre and great food of every kind, if you are so inclined and courageous. 

I love my city.  Some day I have a feeling I won't be living in Chicago proper anymore and I will look back on all these years living here with bittersweet affection.  But I am not waiting for that day, I am damn lucky to be living here now, TODAY, and don't take it for granted for one second.  To live somewhere I love, and appreciate, and don't find myself saying, "I need to get out of here".....that's pretty damn great.  That's the Thing I Love this Thursday.

And you don't ever want to miss this gem either, buckle up!  It's the Lake Shore Drive song!

Oh and one more thing, please don't call my fair city Chi-town.  It hurts everybody's feelings.  I'm just here to help.  Just call it Chicago. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 40

It struck me this morning as I was snug on the train with my Hunter boots on and my umbrella and my husband right next to me all dry and safe and going to my JOB that it wasn't always this way.  I keep my past close, and one thing that I keep super close is that last year before getting sober.

That last year I lived in a Chicago Public Park, on a bench.  It was my home base, if you can call it that.  By my choice. I pushed everyone away and chose to drink over anything and anyone else.  I begged for money for vodka. The gut rot, cheapest vodka.  I walked around a lot.  I walked around in a stupor as I was drunk all the time.  I drank around the clock to keep myself medicated.  I didn't want to feel or see what was happening.  I remember vividly how people looked at me.  The way moms walking with children looked at me, or tried to avoid looking at me.  The way people walking to the train to go to work looked at me.  Walked around me giving me a wide berth, as they didn't know what I was capable of.   It was a terrible, lonely, never ending existence. 

I keep that time close as I am now so desirous of a baby.  I once had no home.  I once had no self respect or self esteem or love in my life.  No stability.  No self worth.  So when I say that a baby would be icing, I mean, a baby would be icing on the cake that is my INCREDIBLE life today.  When I say life is so good, I mean it with every ounce of my being.  LIFE IS SO GOOD.  I am so grateful I didn't die.  I am so grateful to be sober.  I am so grateful that I am here to experience what is so incredible and worthwhile and what I was searching for all my life but didn't even know what it was until it found me. 

Having a home, a job, a husband who loves me, my family being proud of me and getting to be involved in their lives, but most of all - above all the external stuff - having the self worth I always craved and drank because I couldn't find it within me, THAT is the Thing I Love this Thursday.  SELF WORTH.  Elusive and fleeting.  When you find it, grab it by the balls and hang on tight.  Work for it.  Do the hard work.  It doesn't come easy when you've lost so much.  And it takes time.  It takes a long time to heal and to experience that self love and worth you never ever knew until now.  YOU are so worthy.  Make yourself worthy.  Be worthy. 

I have flashes from time to time of people looking at me as if I am not worthy.  And I don't even let it get to me for second.  I look them right back in the eye, no head down walking away quickly.  I AM HERE.  And I am worthy.  And I will look you in the eyes with pride and self worth.  What you do with that is your choice.  I choose every day to hold my head up and carry on with the grace and dignity that I have worked so hard to achieve and that was so lovingly given to me to pass along. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 39

It's our 3 year wedding anniversary today!

The greatest thing is to look back and not want to change anything about your wedding.  ESPECIALLY THE PERSON YOU MARRY.  Ours was quick and easy (zing!) at the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas.  We had our favorite friends and family there (even my Boss and his wife flew out - He is the BEST) and we had an absolute blast.  

My Peanut Nephews were the ring bearers. Christopher had no idea I had them carrying Cubs pillows until he saw them walking down the aisle.  It was THE CUTEST THING EVER.

So, today and every day, the thing I love is my dear sweet Dumpster Husband.

  I still don't know why he married me and continues to make me laugh every damn day, but I sure am glad he did and does.  I LOVE being married to him. I LOVE LOVE.  I believe in second chances.  We are so very lucky.  We are not perfect and we yell and scream and tickle and push buttons and then we make up.  In ways that work FOR US.   We respect each other and come out of it better and stronger.  We cheer each other on.  I've always wanted somebody "on my side" and I have him.  I never had that before.  Unless I'm really wrong, and then he tells me and for that I am grateful.  If I had to pick anyone in the world to spend time with, it would be him.  We have a blast together.  We make a great team and for that, my marriage gets the coveted Things I Love Thursday.

He's the cutest.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 38

On the train coming into work today it struck me that my little peanut nephew is going to be 7 in about a week.  And then I got weepy on the train.  Again.  This the the baby that made me change the way I thought about babies and having a child in general.  In short, this kid CHANGED MY LIFE.

The Thing I Love this Thursday is my oldest nephew. 

My little brother and his wife had their first baby in 2005 - they now almost have 4 (Julie's pregnant with their 4th!).  I remember where I was when I heard he was born and thinking, this is crazy.  I don't really like babies or kids, but I'm in love with this one already.  And it was pretty quickly afterward that I got to fly to Charlotte, NC and meet him for the first time.  Stick a fork in me, I am done. 

Get ready for the Katy Hair Train - EXPRESS.

When Aunt Katy fell in love.  The first time I met the little peanut boy. 

Left to right, My little mama, Me and little teeny peanut, Julie, teeny peanut's mama, Buck the brown Boxer and Sugar the white Boxer.

I mean, COME ON. 

First Christmas.

Fancy Aunt Katy so in love she gets on the floor and rolls around. That says a lot.

It's too early in the morning for Aunt Katy to count these apples.  You do it, m'kay?

Fast forward a few years to this young, thoughtful, articulate boy who can crack me up.  I'm not kidding.  He makes me laugh so hard because he's so observant and will make jokes that are relevant to what the adults have all been talking about.  It's astounding.  I'm not politely laughing at this kid, he makes me guffaw.  That is something most adults cannot get out of me, and this 7 year old is doing it all the time. 

The last time I was there - they live in Arizona - about 2 months ago we were walking to go play some baseball, and he took my hand and so sweetly said, "Aunt Katy, now that you are here, would you like some organic produce?"  Just kill me.  His mom and dad are so careful about what they eat, and my Sister in Law Julie is using a local organic farmer for produce now and Cruz knows I'm vege and thought I would want some.  I will never forget that sweet little voice and that moment as long as I live. 

He's always been so into animals and farms and he wants to be a farmer/cowboy/police man, at least he did a little bit ago, I'm sure I am way behind.  But, I keep trying to tell him he and Aunt Katy can open an animal sanctuary together someday.  That would be most excellent.

He's a Lego master.  He gets a new set, for ages 5 years older than he is and he has it all put together in one day.  His dad just stands there slack jawed watching him.  He is so good at sports and plays every one with enthusiasm and gives it his all.  He is so sweet to his little brother and sister and helps whenever he can.  He is his mom's best helper and has been since he could barely move.  He is like the Assistant for everything in their life.  Nothing gets past this kid. 



 I'm in love with this kid.  He made me want to be a mom.  That, along with me being ready spiritually and mentally and finding my dear sweet husband, it is time.  We have a child in our future.  It's going to happen.

One of my favorite things is watching my husband play with these kids.  They think Uncle Chris is HILARIOUS. 


I admit I get him pretty rad gifts, this space suit is a winner.



I wish I could play the piano like this kid.

And just for kicks, here's my favorite picture of my little brother and I right now, because if he and Julie weren't so freaking awesome, their kids wouldn't be so freaking awesome.

SMILE HARDER!!!!!!