Knowing I will not make a complete ass out of myself during the holidays. Well at least not from drinking. You see, I was that girl. The drunk girl who fell into the Christmas tree at the Holiday Party.
You know who doesn't like approve of this nonsense?
Two years in a row. Two different companies. Two different crowds of co-workers thinking it was funny, and others thinking it was profoundly sad and pathetic.
While I can laugh my ass off at this today, when it was happening it was terrifying. I knew I was out of control. I knew I couldn't stop drinking and yet I didn't know what to do about it. I mean, I had to drink, right? I drank all the time. Around the clock. I was constantly drunk. The only varying factor was how drunk I was. Was I shaking and needed more or was I in that sweet spot of feeling OK without being too out of control and did I remember what happened the next day. I didn't get hangovers because I drank all the time. See what I'm saying here? What else was there? What would my life look like without alcohol?
And so, on this Thursday pre-Schmolidays, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I am sober today and don't dread what will happen. I love that I will be incredibly awkward and probably spend the whole time wanting to get out of there because that is what I do, but there will be some part of me that will just be saying THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU that I am sober for this.
No horror shows, no blackouts and having to piece together what happened and who I talked to about god knows what, and best of all, no regrets. NO REGRETS. About anything. If I make a fool of myself, I live through it and it's OK. If I say something stupid, I know it and can deal with it and even apologize if necessary. These things seem like they should be common knowledge for most people, but I never had the luxury of these every day gifts until I got sober. Where I work now, they all know I'm a drunk. I don't hide it from anyone. I don't scream it out, but it comes up. And, they have never seen me drunk. I would like to keep it that way.
Don't get me wrong, I can fall into a tree today stone cold sober and wearing flats. I mean just yesterday I felt off balance because I had gloves on for the first time this season. I got balance issues y'all.
So, let's all act as if when I do happen to fall into the tree this year, I totally planned it that way. I have a reputation to uphold.