Thursday, December 8, 2011

Things I Love Thursday - Part 19

Knowing I will not make a complete ass out of myself during the holidays.  Well at least not from drinking.  You see, I was that girl.  The drunk girl who fell into the Christmas tree at the Holiday Party.

You know who doesn't like approve of this nonsense? 

Two years in a row.  Two different companies.  Two different crowds of co-workers thinking it was funny, and others thinking it was profoundly sad and pathetic. 

While I can laugh my ass off at this today, when it was happening it was terrifying.  I knew I was out of control.  I knew I couldn't stop drinking and yet I didn't know what to do about it.  I mean, I had to drink, right?  I drank all the time.  Around the clock.  I was constantly drunk.  The only varying factor was how drunk I was.  Was I shaking and needed more or was I in that sweet spot of feeling OK without being too out of control and did I remember what happened the next day.  I didn't get hangovers because I drank all the time.  See what I'm saying here?  What else was there?  What would my life look like without alcohol?

And so, on this Thursday pre-Schmolidays, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I am sober today and don't dread what will happen.  I love that I will be incredibly awkward and probably spend the whole time wanting to get out of there because that is what I do, but there will be some part of me that will just be saying THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU that I am sober for this. 

No horror shows, no blackouts and having to piece together what happened and who I talked to about god knows what, and best of all, no regrets. NO REGRETS.  About anything.  If I make a fool of myself, I live through it and it's OK.  If I say something stupid, I know it and can deal with it and even apologize if necessary.  These things seem like they should be common knowledge for most people, but I never had the luxury of these every day gifts until I got sober.  Where I work now, they all know I'm a drunk.  I don't hide it from anyone.  I don't scream it out, but it comes up.  And, they have never seen me drunk.  I would like to keep it that way. 

Don't get me wrong, I can fall into a tree today stone cold sober and wearing flats.  I mean just yesterday I felt off balance because I had gloves on for the first time this season.  I got balance issues y'all.

So, let's all act as if when I do happen to fall into the tree this year, I totally planned it that way.  I have a reputation to uphold.


  1. I'm so glad for you that the worst part of the holiday party will be awkwardly pushing soggy canapes around on a plate while feeling sorry for the girl who falls into the Christmas tree. Love you long time.

  2. You are amazing and inspiring! I am thankful for people like you, who are out there showing the world what's up! Life is hard, its harder when you have an addiction. I'm glad to hear that the gloves are the only thing knocking you of kilter now. Much love!

  3. Welcome to the holiday spectacular! This year's match; Awkward vs. Ten Feet Tall. Who will remain standing at the end of the night? Who will even remember the end of the night? And just who is that person hiding behind her computer screen wearing a Ten Feet Tall fan jersey, but secretly cheering for Awkward? Stay tuned.

  4. First off, that drawing may be the best thing I've ever seen, and you should hang it up as a schmoliday decoration. Second, you just made me think again (dammit), and feel grateful. Third, I can't stop thinking about how funny it would be to deliberately jump into my Christmas tree tonight.

  5. This silly, sweet post (and silly, sweet pics) made me cry. Your honesty, sense of humor, and gratitude are inspiring. It probably didn't help that Neil Diamond's "If You Know What I Mean" was playing as I read it. No personal attachment to it, but goddammit if that isn't a sad song.

    At any rate, it's a great post. Much love to you. I'm thankful for this blog.

  6. You are spectacularly inspirational. I <3 you.

  7. Enjoy the schmolidays! And I would totally fall into a tree sober. A couple years ago we were carrying the old tree out of the house and of course dropped it, pine needles exploded EVERYWHERE. Not at all the same, but for some reason this made me think of that event. It was out of control. Only fake trees now!

  8. Not only WOULD I fall into a tree sober, but I *have* fallen into a tree sober. (Never drunk, though, oddly.)

  9. I LOVE this! I put on gloves and fall over too- so I totally get it!!