Thursday, December 27, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 62

Random Thoughts from a Diner on a Snowy Day in Chicago

The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING IN THE MOMENT.  Or rather, trying my damnedest to be in the moment. 

I'm sitting in a greasy spoon diner and eating breakfast by myself, well, with you all really, but you get my drift. It's snowing here in Chicago - WHICH IS MY FAVORITE, and I am approximately 11 days away from being induced to have these two babies.  My belly hardly fits behind the table and my belly button is so protruding that it is intimate with every object and person we come anywhere near these days.

The servers all want to hear all about the babies and then feel badly as I don't have a voice to talk. But they smile and coo and are so excited for me. I told my husband as we were walking around downtown the other day that people like to smile at me. He saw it too and started saying, "oh, she just smiled at you!" And it's true. I am that pregnant lady that I would smile at before. I am her.

As I've tried so hard to be in the moment through this entire process, since getting sober really, but especially since we've gone through IVF and then being pregnant, I am in the moment today. Being in the moment is difficult. It is something that takes practice and perseverance. And no whining - or getting over the whining RIGHT QUICK. And I've done my share of whining the past couple weeks as I've been so sick. The babes are sucking all my healing out and that's OK, I just want to be able to do my best for them when we go into labor.

This is my one time to be pregnant. We have special circumstances that I don't talk about here out of privacy, but this is it. And as you well know, I am the first and only woman to ever BE pregnant, and I have really enjoyed the hell out of it. I've had such an easy pregnancy all things considered. Or maybe I'm just so grateful to be pregnant that I just have made the best of it this whole time, but this couple weeks of being sick has rocked me. I find myself whining and crying and feeling badly and thinking, this just sucks.

It doesn't suck. I'm still pregnant with super healthy Hall & Oates and they are not wanting to come out on their own, obviously, so we will induce at 38 weeks, which is roughly January 6, 2013.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
Here's looking at you kids. No make up or nothin'. Just braids and an owl hat.
So, I feel like shit with my ears and my throat and my head swimming with this nasty virus, but I'm saying this to you as much as to me, IT SHALL PASS. The person who has it the worst right now has got to be my dear sweet dumpster husband. Man, is he a champion. He's stepped up to EVERYTHING and is also my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I've been negative and he's been positive the past couple weeks, which is kind of a role reversal for us. But as usual, we balance each other out. When I'm down, he's up and vice versa.

I am so grateful for him and my life that it literally hurts my heart to think of how amazingly lucky I am. I'm sitting in this diner in this amazing city I live in with a laptop thinking, "AM I A WRITER? WHO'S LIFE IS THIS? AM I REALLY PREGNANT? OH MY GODS THEY ARE COMING IN A MATTER OF DAYS! WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM?"

See? Random thoughts. But when I really think about it, not so random at all. This is my life. This is our life. We created it. We made it by our choices and what was thrown at us. What did we do with that? How did we handle it? What did we choose about our circumstances? To accept and make the best of them or to complain and be a victim?

These are the moments. These are the thoughts. These are the times that define our lives and Ferris Bueller had it right, if we don't slow down and look around every once in a while, we miss it. So, I feel like shit. This is the only time that I will get to say, I am so super sick but it's OK, because I'm giving everything I have to my babies, who are healthy and we get to meet them so very soon.

I'm sure you're tired of my rambling, but this is where I am today. I have two women at our apartment deep cleaning it right now before babies and my little mama come to stay with us. This is such a luxury for me, it feels odd and entitled and yet, I am justifying it by saying, HEY I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY AND IF I WANT TO SPEND SOME OF IT THIS WAY IT IS ALL GOOD. I am huge. I am sick. I am overwhelmed. And I'm giving my husband and myself a gift. And that's OK.

I was just telling a friend this morning that FEAR IS OK. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT FEAR, I PROMISE YOU. Now, if I can 't take my own advice, I'm just full of hot air. And we all know I'm only full of babies and hope and love, no room for hot air.

I am in this moment of being terrified and being grateful and being sick and being excited. I am feeling ALL THE FEELINGS and man, does that ultimately feel good. I'm not tamping it down with booze or even smokes these days. I am feeling the shit out of this shit. And it is good. Even when it's not.  Know what I mean?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Calling ALL Big Babies! Big Babies, Party of One, Please Report Here!


I've been sick since last Thursday, meaning, ears and throat mostly, like freaking GINZU KNIVES CUTTING CLEAN THROUGH RC CANS sick, and it will NOT GO AWAY.  Add all that onto being 35 weeks preggo with twins, and you've got yourself a BIG HUGE BABY.   Meaning, Moi. 

I can't really take much in the way of meds as SURPRISE!!!!  I'm pregnant.   So, it's suffer like a big giant hero suffers or cut my own head off. 

And believe me, the cutting my own head off is tempting.

I went to the ER yesterday as my nurse practitioner said to, in order to get some relief, probably antibiotics, as it hadn't gotten better for decades.  I mean, days.

As I sat in the waiting room with all the really sickly sick dying and decaying and pathetic sounds and smells of an ER (and that was all just coming from me), I thought, JESUS CHRIST SUCK IT UP IT CANNOT BE THAT BAD.

And yet every time I swallow, I start crying.  It is THAT BAD.  But still, no fever, no strep (they confirmed it) and no flu, or anything else tangible they can put their fingers on.

And the worst part for someone like me, who loves to hear the sound of her own Chicago accent is I LOST MY FREAKING VOICE TWO DAYS AGO.  So I can't talk.  Period. I had to whisper everything at the ER and they all looked at me like I was nuts, even more so when I said in my loudest whisper yell, "ISN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?"

And they sweetly smile and say, "no, you just have to wait this one out, you'll get better soon."

Well, let me tell you that screamwhispering "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS"  loses a bit of its menacing quality when screamed as a whisper. Not that I would know this.  Or anything like that, I just happened to dream about it while I was in the ER for four hours yesterday where the only real thing they did was a throat culture.  Misplaced anger anyone?

I even got all dramatic saying, "it's endangering my babies as I can't swallow and I've lost weight." and they said, "well, just make sure you hydrate and take your vitamins and drink Ensure and keep eating soft foods." (see disclaimer at the end please)

I then got really desperate and threw myself on the floor grabbing at scrub pant legs and doctor coats with wild abandon screaming, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE WORST PAIN THAT ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO ENDURE EVER!"  To which they all replied, "name and birth date please?"

And so it goes.  And I keep playing out this tape in my head, "Katy, listen you selfish immature big huge baby, there is REAL suffering going on in the world, GET OVER IT."  But then I swallow and the tears come and it's onward with the same cycle.  Plus, every time I try to sleep I cough so hard I think I see babies shooting across the room, and that is not helping.

Today, I am choosing to stop with the whining and choosing hope that this has GOT to get better.  I want to be at my absolute best when I go into labor.  Can I also just say that my Dear Sweet Dumpster Husband has been so  incredible I cannot even begin to tell you.  Cooking and cleaning and shopping and making sure I have what I need at all times?  HE IS THE SUPER HERO.

And I've been offline for the bulk of the last week, due to the I'M DYING party of one nonsense, which it turns out was a good thing.  So much sadness and heartache and devastation and then everybody putting their two cents in about the whole damn thing.  I don't have to put my opinion out there.  In a way, this sickness has helped me keep my big fucking mouth silent - really and truly - and that is a gift.  See?  We can turn anything into a bright side if we try hard enough.

I leave you with one of my favs, and one of yours too I'm sure.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It always does.  The good and the bad.   

DISCLAIMER before anybody gives me shit, the babies are absolutely fine.  They were checked and rechecked and we go back again tomorrow.  These babes are like royalty, I swear.  This post is for the FUNNY.  So please, if you are about to lecture me about shit, turn it inward, m'kay?  thanksverymuch.  And just the fact that I wanted to write is a good indicator that I'm feeling better, so, little jumpy "YAAAY" with tiny little sad pom poms.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 61

Dear Sweet Grandmama has written you a Schmolidays letter (please go here if you don't know who Grandmama is - it's important to know what the hell is going on, trust me.  Oh and of course, I have a disclaimer at the end.  THANKS!) 

Without further ado --- The Thing I Love this Thursday is GRANDMAMA. Yes, I love this old broad and her judgements and disapproval.  AHEM AHEM AHEM ---

Dear "Divers" (as this trampy tramp Katy likes to call you),

Well, It's been a banner disgraceful year here at the Dumpster Household.  The "lady" of the house spread her legs wide for the devil science and got herself DOUBLY knocked up.  Twins are an abomination!  In Vitro is an abomination!  Shameful really.  She has literally let HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS gaze into her Hooha to get a look at the goods and has absolutely no shame about it.  I heard at the hospital, they were laughing and joking during all this baby making nonsense and I am horrified!  There were so many women just traipsing through the hospital all TRYING DESPERATELY TO GET KNOCKED UP!  In my day, we never tried to get knocked up.  You had the demon sex and you didn't enjoy it and you got pregnant and YOU HID IT FROM THE WORLD AND FELT ASHAMED until you pushed out yet another screaming GIFT FROM GOD.

This trampy tramp Katy CELEBRATES her big round belly by wearing tight clothing and *shudders* defining "maternity skinny jeans" whatever that abomination is.  AND SHE DANCES.  Continually.  Just try to get her to stop shaking her rear. The only thing that could be worse is if she hadn't tricked and married that extremely tall, good looking gentleman she somehow landed despite being a giant hussy who does nothing but TRAMP AROUND in BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK and short dresses and those god awful high heels she favors and refuses to give up even though her belly sticks out two feet in front of her.  SHAMEFUL. 

Did I mention I can't believe that tall handsome gentleman even married her 3 years ago?  I mean obviously he's under some spell of the devil to even consider it and the fact that he stays with her, well, there's got to be some voodoo devil nonsense at work!  But I digress.  That lovely tall tall gentleman is really my special friend here along with the lovely Sally Boy Kitty and Eliza Jane Doolittle.  If only that trampy tramp Katy would get the hell out of our sainted home, we could all be much happier and holier. 

Speaking of Sally Boy, we have had many many tea parties and gossip sessions and beauty makeunders while trampy tramp is out in THE WORKFORCE - shameful.  SHAMEFUL.  She dresses and goes on the public train to a job where she EARNS MONEY and has insurance and asserts herself.  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? 

Anyway, I try and try with Sally Boy to get him to understand what a horrid example of a real woman that trampy tramp is, but every day, like clockwork he is at the door meowyelling acting all easy with affection for her when she walks in the door.  SHE LEAVES HER HOME FOR 11 HOURS A DAY!  She is not home cooking and cleaning and doing her womanly duty.  In fact, her lovely husband (that I could take care of a whole lot better than she does) does more of that type of thing than she does.  She is out EARNING *shudders* MONEY. 

LOOK AT THIS - both kitties on that trampy tramps HUGE belly.  They love her even though she is a hussy.  I try and try with these cats but they keep going back in!

This is my daily life.  I am locked in a jewelry box and forced to be muffled as to criticism when I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP HER NOT TO BE SO TERRIBLY TRAMPY!  But does she appreciate me?  NO.  No, she does not.  She tells me to zip it and locks me in even tighter.  I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Well, I will tell you, "Divers" that this next year it's all going to hell.  She is so excited for her two devil science babies to come but she is going to crumble, I tell you.  I will laugh and laugh when she cries and tells me how difficult it is and then, when those babies smile at me and think I'm pretty and shiny, I will somehow deflect them.  I don't want any sticky baby fingers on me.  These babies will be the tipping point in this house, I will tell you right now.  MARK MY WORDS. I will not soften on this.  Those babies are no good.  No good can come from devil science babies!  Unless somehow they are really wonderful and then, well all bets are off.  Who can resist a baby or even two?

Oh well, another year, another terrible development in the Dumpster Household.  How I ever ended up in this mess I'll never know.  My wish for all of you is that you stay away from the devil science, hold your tongues and keep your bosoms, thoughts and opinions HIDDEN.  Happy Christmas to all and if you don't like it, you don't love America! 


DISCLAIMER - Katy is not responsible for the thoughts and opinions expressed here as Grandmama is a total loose cannon and really has no idea what she's on about. 

Monday, December 10, 2012


34 and a half weeks and OHMYGODS 34 and a half weeks! 
Don't worry - these pictures are almost done and you'll never have to see another one!
But until then, KABLAMMO.
You know what I always find disconcerting is that you know these women, family or friends or co-workers and one day they are enormously pregnant and you KNOW they are pregnant and going to have a baby or babies and yet, when one day they are huge and the next day they just HAVE A BABY and then they aren't that person that is pregnant any more. 

It's likely my teeny tiny brain that always has a hard time reconciling this, but it still seems so sudden. And this time, I AM THE WOMAN.  9 months seems like a long time in some ways and in other ways, like the blink of an eye and you JUST SAW THAT WOMAN AND SHE NOW IS A MAMA HOLDING BABIES AND OH MY GODS HER LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

As I've stated before, I am the first woman to ever be pregnant and feel these strange feelings, so bear with me.  It's revolutionary, I know.  HOLD ONTO YOUR BONNETS!

I am so ready to have these babies.  Also?  I AM NOT AT ALL READY TO HAVE THESE BABIES.  I'm paralyzed by how much we haven't done to get ready.  We don't have the nursery that people keep asking about (due to the tiny apartment we live in) but we do have ALL THE THINGS FOR BABIES, SO MANY THINGS.  We don't have a plan in place for a nanny and when I go back to work, 5 months after Hall & Oates arrive.  I keep breathing deep and thinking my little mama will be with us for the first few weeks and she knows what she's doing, thank gods.  We don't have it all planned out and I'm freaking out and yet, and yet, I don't do anything to remedy the situation.

My dear sweet dumpster husband and I keep looking at each other and saying to ourselves and to each other, "IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE."  Which is absolutely true.  All we have to do is keep these babies alive and fed and changed and warm and nurtured and growing in a semi healthy way - both physically and mentally - and we'll all be fine.  Simple really.  *shakes head NOOOOO, not at all simple*

My Sponsor from day one kept saying two things to me, "more shall be revealed"  and "all is well".  And while I wanted to punch her in the throat for saying such nonsense, I now understand EXACTLY what she meant.  If I can keep saying these two things to myself in every area of my life, it makes it so much easier.  Try it.  Say it and then just breathe.  See?  I'm not just whistlin' dixie over here. 

There won't be too many more posts here with me enormously pregnant, and I know some of you are thankful for that.  Most of you though have been incredibly supportive and loving and fun to strap in with me and go on this ride.  And as far as the blog goes, "more shall be revealed".....see?  It's true.  It's evolving and it's still going to be sobriety first, babies second.  And everything else in between.  Life, you know?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Tale of The Formerly Smart Girl who is Now the Stupidest Girl that Ever Lived

Once upon a time, there was a stupid stupid girl.  This girl had not always been so stupid.  However, this girl happened to be about 34 weeks pregnant with her twins who were literally sucking every resource out of her and leaving her with nothing to function on but her looks and her humor.   Both of which are quickly fading as well. 

Back to our girl.  She worked at home one day and was expecting an arrival of a very special maternity belt to keep her big huge belly bag full o' babies hiked up and her back from caving in completely.  IT ARRIVED!  The package arrived and the girl ran down the apartment building stairs so quickly in anticipation and bent down to pick up the package, and KABLAMMO the door slammed behind her.  

Trapped in her building's 5 by 5 vestibule IN HER PAJAMAS and day old make up and unbrushed teeth and basically looking homeless, and I know homeless, but also hugely pregnant and it was getting dark.  NO PHONE, NO KEYS, NO WATCH.  NOTHING. 

Here's the kicker.  The stupid girl's husband had just told her on the phone upstairs that he was leaving work early and that meant a 45 minute train ride and he would be home to save her!  So, she listened to many many train signals pass, thinking, he's got to be on this train.  He's got to! 

Nope.  Nothing.  And none of her neighbors came home either.  Even if she could get to a phone, stupid girl is so stupid that she has no phone numbers memorized.  They are all programmed into her cell phone, right?  RIGHT?  Who memorizes phone numbers any more?  She found out later that her husband could not leave work early and he wasn't expected home until the normal time.

So, she hunkered down on the cold floor and put her arms in her tshirt and rubbed her belly saying, "this is all going  to be fine, let's just meditate for a while."  And it must have worked because all of a sudden her charming neighbor and 1 year old son arrived home.  The stupid girl sobbed and sobbed and hugged her neighbor for way too long and made everybody really uncomfortable and then ran upstairs to find many many messages on her cell phone from people worried about her.

It turns out she had been trapped in that vestibule for about 4 HOURS.  Standing and sitting and pacing and swearing and crying and laughing and yelling to her cat that she could hear meowyelling upstairs.  Pretty much the encapsulating of her longago time in the loony bin.  Except our girl is not loony, she's just pregnant with twins. 

The girl was supposed to have a pre-natal massage that she missed and called that woman and cried apologetically. The girl's sister in law (who gifted the girl the massage) thought the girl had been in an accident. Nope, sorry. Just pregnant stupid.

The girl was so angry at herself, still kind of is, but the bright side is, she had 4 hours uninterrupted of thought without phones or electronics or anyone tugging at her sleeve.  THAT NEVER HAPPENS.  It turns out the girl must have gone into a meditative state where she didn't even realize how long she was down there, and the most amazing, miraculous thing happened!  SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO PEE FOR FOUR WHOLE HOURS!

She wasn't frantically keeping up with emails or phone calls for work, not checking Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest for the 85th time in an hour.  She was simply being.  Now, this girl has paid to go on retreats where this happens.  Turns out she didn't need to pay anybody to get the meditative time she craved, she simply had to use her powers of pregnant stupidity to get locked out for four hours wearing pajamas and then, just be. 

I don't have a picture of the awesomeness of the stupid girl that happened yesterday, but I do have this, which is today -  

She's all cleaned up with BELLY BAND ON ( no she won't show you a picture of that nonsense), heels and and head held high.  The Tale of The Formerly Smart Girl who is Now the Stupidest Girl that Ever Lived shall be told for generations to come as in, "you think you were stupid when you were pregnant, get a load a this broad!" And you know what? That is just fine with her.  She actually turned it into something positive and NOTHING can beat the feeling that she's giving all that she has to creating these two babes right now.  No matter how humiliating. 

If only we knew who this girl was in real life, we could really all point and laugh at her, right?  Just remember.  Please be kind to her if you see her.  She's fragile.  And she's usually kind to you.