Do You "Woo"?

I am not, by nature, a "woo-er".  You see, in THE HOUSE OF PAIN (the stationary bike spinning class I take), we "WOO".  Because our teacher is awesome and gets us freaking pumped up and we "woo".  As I said, I am NOT, by nature, a "woo-er".

This is a picture from last year's Cycle for Survival event, but it's the only picture I have of me spinning, so, "Woo"!

But last night, at the gym, I "woo-ed".  I "woo-ed" loudly and I "woo-ed" softly; I "woo-ed" solo and I "woo-ed" with the group and I EVEN "woo-ed" on command, which is something I don't do - like - ever.  DO SOMETHING I AM TOLD TO DO, ON COMMAND?  Um, no.  I am WAY TOO COOL for that shit. 

I first wrote about my gym experience a while ago here - please take a minute to read, it's quick and funny and gives background to where we are today.

Now, I am not a person who loves exercise.  I hate it.  If left to my own devices I will pick couch time over physical exertion every damn time.  Just like drinking and smoking are in my nature, sloth is in my nature as well.  By all accounts, I SHOULD be drinking and smoking right now, BUT I AM NOT.   Because we CAN change our behaviors if we work at it.

Last night I didn't WANT to go to spinning necessarily, but I went.  I pumped and fed babies before I left and strapped the girls in with my most powerful sports bra, and I jumped on the train and I left.  AND I WAS SCARED.  Because I am scared of everything.  But I walk through the fear today.  I haven't been spinning in months and months.  I was pregnant you know, I am not sure if you heard.  I kept up my gym membership the whole time because I KNEW I WOULD BE BACK.  I wasn't spinning for a long time.  And this HOUSE OF PAIN is a bitch.  It ain't a leisurely bike ride round the park if you catch my drift.  You are up and down and back and forth and killing yourself for 50 minutes in there and it HURTS.  But dammit if I didn't do the whole class and do it hard even though my instructor said, "Katy just had twins so she's the only one exempt from jumping in and out of the saddle!".....I did it anyway. 

Because I'm stubborn and needed to prove to myself that I could do it after all this time.  You see, a couple years ago, I weighed almost 200 pounds and lost a lot of weight through changing my diet and exercise.  Spinning was a big part of that.  I wanted to get in shape BEFORE I got pregnant, if I ever were to be lucky enough to be pregnant, so that I could bounce back into shape after having a baby or two. 

That's what I did.  I now have about 15 pounds to lose before I'm back at pre-baby weight and spinning is going to help me get there.  It's pure vanity but also health reasons that I do this.  I am almost 40 and I JUST HAD TWINS.  What in the sam hill was I thinking?  Oh girl, I'm gonna be around to be with these babies and I'm going to be healthy.  This clean living IS FOR SUCKERS.  And I am a sucker for sure.  A happy one.  A by product of clean living is looking kinda hot.  And yes, I want that.  No lie. 

So, there are several things at play here.  I just had babies and I feel a bit down about myself sometimes.  What I would do if I live purely by what's in my nature, I would drink and smoke and not work and not take responsibility and self destruct because I don't like myself very much at that moment - not believing that the moment would pass.  BUT, if I practice new behaviors and believe that the moment will pass, I take responsibility and work my program and eat right and resist that smoke and drink and exercise a bit, I get ALL THE THINGS!  I get the life beyond my wildest dreams. I get the mental and emotional and physical bliss that comes with working hard to be healthy.  We always say, it ain't easy, but it is so worth it.  I don't want to do any of these healthy things by nature.  I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT.  But I do.  Because it is the best thing for me and for my family.

It was the first time in over a year, that I felt like my body BELONGED TO ME.  Not to science and not to babies and not to my demons.  And if that sounds selfish, then yes, I'm selfish.  I needed that feeling.  I desperately needed to feel connected to my body and in that way to my soul as a woman who has her own needs and wants and feelings without being attached to another being.

Today, I am a drunk who is not drinking, a smoker who is not smoking and a sloth-like creature who is practicing moving around more.  It's that simple.  One day at a time, we can change our behaviors.  AND WE CAN BE AWESOME TODAY!

Can I get a WOO!?

WOO!

Secrets Can be Funny - Even the Dark Ones

There are all these feelings.  The DARK FEELINGS that nobody wants you to talk about.

I am fairly confident in saying that every new mom who stays home with newborns has these feelings.  And multiply that by two, and you have this dark dark shit that you feel guilty about feeling.  GUESS WHAT?  I'm talking about it.  I'm alone.  This is about the loneliest I've ever felt, save for being a hopeless drunk.  It's completely different, mind you, but it's lonely nonetheless.  I'm on my own here during the day with two little beings, who while incredibly cute do nothing but SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME.  Literally and metaphorically.  My bewbies are drained and pumped so hard, they are pretty much indented.  While yes, we are incredibly grateful for these two precious gifts, CHRIST ON A BICYCLE they are exhausting and soul sucking. 

They are also soul affirming when they smile or do something funny, like fartcrying - which is just what it sounds like.  Fart-cry Fart-cry Fart-cry.  It's HILARIOUS.  You know, when a baby does it.  Not adults so much. Have some pride.  My dear sweet dumpster husband coined this term, HASHTAG FARTCRY (#fartcry).  Let's make it rain on Twitter, y'all. 

There's a lot of crying in the Dumpster House lately.  Babies and Mommy cry.  Sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately while mommy is in the shower she cries.  AND GUESS WHAT?  That is perfectly ok!  We all gotta get that shit out! 

I'm using online AA Meetings like they are a fucking life jacket right now.  A LIFE JACKET.  AA and meetings keep me sane.  Keep me sober.  Keep me connected.  I need that now more than ever.  I'm connected with other moms.  Other multiple moms.  And it helps.  It really does, HOWEVER.......

Sure you say, hey Katy, you are going out and having visitors and a wonderful family and support system and have a fantastic completely wonderful husband, so doesn't that help with the loneliness?  Well, of COURSE it does.  But you know what we drunks need?  OTHER DRUNKS.  I am saying all this here and I trust that you all will relate and not judge me.  That is what I do with other drunks.  They get it.  They get the deep dark loneliness that we can feel sometimes.  We are able to climb back out together if we acknowledge ALL THE FEELINGS.

Finding people we connect with is critical.  Drunks or not.  People we trust and that will have our backs when we call crying or write a text that says something like, "HOLY SHIT THESE BABIES ARE BEING ASSHOLES TODAY" and not think you aren't so fucking grateful for them is CRITICAL. 

There are more feelings now than I've ever had in my life.  And they are good and bad and don't have to define me or what I'm going through.  It's simply admitting that they are there and getting them out in the open and dealing with them that lessen their power.  I am NOT ALONE.  You are not alone. 

These two don't have any secrets.  Everything they feel is right out in the open.  I'm kind of jealous.

"Don't tell Mommy, but let's demand simultaneous feedings every time today!  That will make her lose her shit!  No rest for the weary, and GO!"

Here's the thing.  In the end, if we can laugh at ourselves and have people in our lives who we open up to that MAKE US LAUGH about all this, it can save us on a daily basis.  It's all so minute, it's all so small, my world right now.  It's babies.  Every day, all day.  AND THAT IS ISOLATING.  I have to keep connected or I'm done for.  This is the shit that keeps me sober and laughing and grateful every damn day.   

Thank YOU for reading and sharing and helping me every damn day.  I hope I'm doing the same for you. 

Calling ALL Big Babies! Big Babies, Party of One, Please Report Here!

GODS DAMMIT THIS SUCKS!

I've been sick since last Thursday, meaning, ears and throat mostly, like freaking GINZU KNIVES CUTTING CLEAN THROUGH RC CANS sick, and it will NOT GO AWAY.  Add all that onto being 35 weeks preggo with twins, and you've got yourself a BIG HUGE BABY.   Meaning, Moi. 

I can't really take much in the way of meds as SURPRISE!!!!  I'm pregnant.   So, it's suffer like a big giant hero suffers or cut my own head off. 

And believe me, the cutting my own head off is tempting.

I went to the ER yesterday as my nurse practitioner said to, in order to get some relief, probably antibiotics, as it hadn't gotten better for decades.  I mean, days.

As I sat in the waiting room with all the really sickly sick dying and decaying and pathetic sounds and smells of an ER (and that was all just coming from me), I thought, JESUS CHRIST SUCK IT UP IT CANNOT BE THAT BAD.

And yet every time I swallow, I start crying.  It is THAT BAD.  But still, no fever, no strep (they confirmed it) and no flu, or anything else tangible they can put their fingers on.

And the worst part for someone like me, who loves to hear the sound of her own Chicago accent is I LOST MY FREAKING VOICE TWO DAYS AGO.  So I can't talk.  Period. I had to whisper everything at the ER and they all looked at me like I was nuts, even more so when I said in my loudest whisper yell, "ISN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?"

And they sweetly smile and say, "no, you just have to wait this one out, you'll get better soon."

Well, let me tell you that screamwhispering "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS"  loses a bit of its menacing quality when screamed as a whisper. Not that I would know this.  Or anything like that, I just happened to dream about it while I was in the ER for four hours yesterday where the only real thing they did was a throat culture.  Misplaced anger anyone?

I even got all dramatic saying, "it's endangering my babies as I can't swallow and I've lost weight." and they said, "well, just make sure you hydrate and take your vitamins and drink Ensure and keep eating soft foods." (see disclaimer at the end please)

I then got really desperate and threw myself on the floor grabbing at scrub pant legs and doctor coats with wild abandon screaming, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE WORST PAIN THAT ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO ENDURE EVER!"  To which they all replied, "name and birth date please?"

And so it goes.  And I keep playing out this tape in my head, "Katy, listen you selfish immature big huge baby, there is REAL suffering going on in the world, GET OVER IT."  But then I swallow and the tears come and it's onward with the same cycle.  Plus, every time I try to sleep I cough so hard I think I see babies shooting across the room, and that is not helping.

Today, I am choosing to stop with the whining and choosing hope that this has GOT to get better.  I want to be at my absolute best when I go into labor.  Can I also just say that my Dear Sweet Dumpster Husband has been so  incredible I cannot even begin to tell you.  Cooking and cleaning and shopping and making sure I have what I need at all times?  HE IS THE SUPER HERO.



And I've been offline for the bulk of the last week, due to the I'M DYING party of one nonsense, which it turns out was a good thing.  So much sadness and heartache and devastation and then everybody putting their two cents in about the whole damn thing.  I don't have to put my opinion out there.  In a way, this sickness has helped me keep my big fucking mouth silent - really and truly - and that is a gift.  See?  We can turn anything into a bright side if we try hard enough.

I leave you with one of my favs, and one of yours too I'm sure.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It always does.  The good and the bad.   

DISCLAIMER before anybody gives me shit, the babies are absolutely fine.  They were checked and rechecked and we go back again tomorrow.  These babes are like royalty, I swear.  This post is for the FUNNY.  So please, if you are about to lecture me about shit, turn it inward, m'kay?  thanksverymuch.  And just the fact that I wanted to write is a good indicator that I'm feeling better, so, little jumpy "YAAAY" with tiny little sad pom poms.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 60

This is going to come off as bitter or sweet, hopefully bittersweet.  I LOVE going to work every day.  Even on days where I say, "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED TODAY" I still love that I get to get up and get dressed and get on the train and go downtown to the office every day. 

So, it's begun to hit me that I have a big life change coming on.  Yes, I know, I am a bit slow, but I will be be having babies soon, very soon, and it will mean I will be home for about 5 months with them because apparently babies need their mother for certain things. WHO KNEW?  Pfffft.

We women are incredible.  We can bring home the facon, fry it up in the pan (well, if I cooked that would be true).  I have is an incredible husband who does so much stuff to be helpful and supportive and just always has, like, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all that stuff.  I'm quite spoiled with him as I never had to ask, he just does all this.

Now, yesterday was my first official WORK FROM HOME day.  It's been coming as Boss has said, "cut down your hours and work from home when you can."  I am open to it and I feel like I've got the set up, new office chair and fax/copier/scanner all ready to go.  Sally Boy and Eliza Jane are both not at all helpful, but they are furry and cute and distracting.  So, I will be working at home here and there for the next few weeks.

But the thing is, I was incredibly sad yesterday.  Lethargic even.  I know this is coming and if one g-d person says I'm ungrateful for these babies coming, so help me......I keep saying my biggest fear in having babies is other moms.  So please, if you want to give me shit about expressing this sadness right now when the best thing in the world is really happening with these babies, share your judgement someplace else.  This is a judgement free zone. 

We women are so many things to so many people, including ourselves.  I LOVE my work identity and that I am good at what I do and appreciated.  I had 4 people tell me it was so quiet and boring at work yesterday without me.  That MADE MY DAY.  I celebrate that I am wanted and needed here. 

That takes nothing away from how uber excited I am to devote my entire life to these babies for the next several months.  I mean, the rest of my life will be devoted to them, but I will have many other parts of my life as well. 

1. My AA part where I am vital and needed and I SO DESPERATELY NEED AA and all that goes with it.
2. My work part as I will of course, keep working - both because I love my work and because we absolutely have to have the money and insurance. 
3. MY WRITING LIFE!  (yes, I'm slowly realizing that I am, in fact,  a writer) and after I quit doing the acting thing, it's been a definite creative and healthy outlet for me, I will NOT be giving that up. And the people I've met through writing this blog have truly changed my life for the better.  Have no fear, I shall be writing for my sanity and for yours. 
4. My healthy lifestyle that I worked so hard to get going before getting pregnant.  And while I've been pregnant it's been a big part of why I look and feel so good.  I aspire to keep that shit up!  

It's so important that we keep ourselves fully rounded. We are women, gotdammit.  We are way more than just our children.  I say that with all the love in my heart for my babies, but similarly to us needing to be COMPLETELY WHOLE without a partner, we need to be completely whole on our own so that we can give so much to the people and tasks we love.  I say all the time to women I sponsor in AA, we need to be GOOD, WHOLE, COMPLETE without a partner.  Only then, can we fully give of ourselves to another.  And that takes work.  I've been that girl/woman who needed complete validation from a boy/man and it is no good. NO GOOD I TELL YA!  I choose to believe the same philosophy is true with having children.  I wrote about this here before - my babies will never have to see me drunk, if I do the work.

So, you will forgive me when I say that I am beginning to mourn my lifestyle without children.  And it is OK.  When I quit drinking I mourned that lover.  When I quit smoking I mourned that lover.  I am STILL really mourning that lover.  Every damn day.  And just like a relationship, major life changes require adjustment periods and loss and gain and everything in between.  And it is HEALTHY TO ADMIT THIS SHIT. 

My life is going to change.  But it certainly is for the better.  That is the THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.  I can be grateful that I have learned to practice the healthy mourning of change in my life.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It is something to celebrate and acknowledge and share with each other.  No shame.  Only love and appreciation of the moment.  In a healthy supportive way.  We women need each other.  This is no time for judgement.  Just love and acceptance of who we are and what we are feeling.  I'm so in, are you?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 53

I get to do a lot of things.  I get to go a lot of places.  I am fortunate enough to get up and out to work every day in a major metropolitan city.  I take public transportation.  I encounter a ton of people on daily basis.  I go to bars, to weddings, to concerts, to shows, just about anything, I feel confident going nowdays.  Hell, I go to family functions.  I may not always like them, but I GO.  You could say I AM A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.

It used to be, I was a girl of myself.  I was too scared and fearful of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING to venture outside of my little world.  Which was too miserable to inflict on others anyway.  And I drank.  I drank to go out in public. I drank to be at home.  I drank to tolerate my miserable self. It gave me courage and made me feel like I could do anything.  It was an absolute crutch.  Real courage is not having any kind of prop to help you walk through life with confidence. 

Before I drank, I always always always felt LESS THAN.  Drinking helped with that.   UNTIL IT DIDN'T. 

And when I stopped drinking I had to learn to do EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.  Because when you drink 24 hours a day for several years, you have to learn to do everything without it.  And that is some scary shit.  I was on meds for anxiety and depression for a long time.  I went off them a bit over a year ago and that has been an adjustment too.  But we are growing, right?  I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life.  The only time I could get out of it was when I drank.  And it was disastrous.  Being sober is terrifying at first. But you walk through it. 

Now, I'm not saying I don't still feel less than.  I do.  But rarely these days.  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is walking around in my own skin like I fucking OWN THE PLACE. 

I used to take great pride in the idea that I didn't need anyone or anything. I was a loner.  A rebel.  Really, it's the opposite that I take pride in now.  I am a part of this world.  I am a part of all of you.  Whether I like it or not sometimes.  But the joy and the gifts I get from choosing to be A PART OF so outweighs the negative. 

Now, this is not to say I'm an extrovert.  I'm a clear introvert.  I prefer being on my own and staying at home to going out most of the time.  I will take doing nothing over doing something almost every single time. 

There is no one and nobody who is more worthy than I am.  And I am no more worthy than anyone else.  PERIOD.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work and praying and working the 12 steps and just saying SCREW YOU NEGATIVE FEELINGS for me to get to this place.  But I can honestly say, I belong in this world today.  I BELONG HERE.    The Promises are coming true in my life.  More and more every damn day I WORK A GOOD PROGRAM. 

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

  -  Y'all know when the word GOD is used in this shit, it means GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING or else I sure as hell couldn't be sober.

If you are part of a 12 step group you are familiar with these great promises.  And, my guess is, you are finding them to be coming true the longer you work your program.  If you are not part of a 12 step program and don't need to be, I hope you have some kind of something that helps you know you are on a path.  A good and loving and positive path. 
  We all need to belong somewhere.  It is a fundamental need as humans.   I had to change my thinking.  I was responsible. It took me a LONG TIME and a lot of heartache to find I belong not only in the rooms of AA, but more importantly, I BELONG IN THE WORLD.  And to think, I almost took myself out of it.  And I know many of you did too.  Or are thinking it's hopeless right now.  IT'S NOT HOPELESS.  Find something to be grateful for and GRAB ONTO THAT SUCKER.  It's the basis for hope.  And you do belong.    YOU SEE ME COMING, YOU KNOW I'M STRUTTING.  That's my motto. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 46

It's Thursday.  And the Thing I Love today is MY TOOL BOX. 

I have accumulated if you will, a toolbox. 

Now, picture the actual tools being metaphorical tools, say, the wrench is PAUSING BEFORE REACTING, and the hammer is SITTING WITH IT.   

Not sitting ON it, a la The Fonz.  But just having a feeling, SITTING WITH IT, and not having to act on it immediately and from my gut. I've written before about what an asshole I used to be when I first got sober - the first few years there.  I wrote about keeping it zipped in the workplace, and what a gift that is to be able to SHUT MY DAMN PIE HOLE.

But SITTING WITH IT for me, means something happens or someone does something to me (most times it's not TO ME anyway) and I just don't react.  Similar to pausing, in fact, right after pausing, SITTING WITH IT can mean the time I just digest.  And talk to other trusted people about it.  Meditate on it.   Just FEEL it.  It's OK to just FEEL it.  Even if it's shitty and I feel so pressed to react, I still SIT WITH IT today.  NOT ALWAYS, but so much more than I used to.  I used to drink to not feel this stuff.  It was too uncomfortable to feel uncomfortable.  And guess what?  IT STILL IS UNCOMFORTABLE.  But today, that is OK.  I can still SIT WITH IT and be OK.   

It is yet another tool that is in my toolbox of how to deal with being a functioning member of society these days.  I never learned these tools until I got sober.  It seems so silly and common sensical, but you see people flying off the handle and spreading their bullshit negativity everywhere they go, so it must NOT be that common sensical.  I don't want to be that person any more.  Because I was.  I was angry and I was bitter for a long time.  I gut reacted to EVERYTHING.  I made everything about my feelings.  And guess what?  Feelings aren't facts.  Most times things aren't even about me, and if I just PAUSE, SIT WITH IT and develop a plan, things go so much more smoothly for me.  And for others, for that matter. 

I am not that angry, bitter person anymore because I chose to change. I did a lot of hard work on myself that is still on-going and always will be.  COPING SKILLS.  LIFE TOOLS.  Who knew?   These  tools I've learned through sobriety and I have a chance to make better choices in my life. 

It sounds super hippie dippy trippy, but I'm all about love and compassion today.  I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and I want to give second chances.  Of course, that's where another tool comes out of the tool box, BOUNDARIES.  Healthy boundaries protect me.  I am responsible for myself.  No one else is.  PERIOD.

I know, I hear myself talk sometimes and I want to spank my own face, but this shit works you guys!  It's all part of letting go and just being happy.  Not fighting so hard against everyone and everything has given me freedom to be genuinely happy.  Even the shittiest of times doesn't have to be so shitty, if I use my toolbox and don't rely on old behaviors.  Old behaviors make me sad and unhappy and miserable to be around.  Old behaviors make me drink.