Thursday, October 27, 2011

Things I Love Thursday - Part 15

There are some days I look at the train tracks or a flight of stairs and see myself hurling downward. Today is not one of those days and really, they are fewer and fewer all the time. I'm a self destructive person by nature and that means I fight to keep my footing in reality every day.

This is not a morbid death wish or a call for help, so please don't worry. It's simply a statement of who I am and knowing that helps keep me rooted in reality and how good every day really is.

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a dump truck. Not drive the dump truck, simply be a dump truck.
The psychological impact of that I cannot even begin.....
What I'm thankful for today is that I know my reality and I am firmly planted in it.  I don't have delusions of grandeur and think I'm the shit anymore.  When I was a drunk and even for a long time afterwards I saw myself as something other than a grain of sand among a gazillion other grains of sand.  And I was wrong.  This seems to be a bad thing to some people, to say I'm not really all that unique, but to me it's comforting. This is what allows me to connect with other people rather than pushing them all away as hard as I can, as I used to do. 

I fought for so long to be different and special and it got me in such a downward spiral of "notgoodenough" and really, got me so sick and delusional I visited psych wards and rehabs and jails.  You all know that story. 

Many moons ago in another lifetime I was an actress.  I KNOW, RIGHT?  I have a BS in Theatre.  For real.  I couldn't hack it in that life because it is rough.  Agents told me from the get go, you need to lose weight and you need to get your teeth fixed.  And I ran away.  Live theatre was a different story in that it accepts just about everybody and really the less classically attractive you are the better.  So I was stuck in this place of being a not "pretty" enough ingenue or an unseasoned, unique looking enough character actor.  I used to be really bitter about that. 

Now, I haven't acted in years and don't know if I ever will again.  I don't feel the need, the drive to do it as so many actors I know have.  They must do it.  It's in their blood.  It's not in my blood.  And that's just fine.  I have everything I want and need in my life, save for a baby and that will come some how and some way, I'm sure of it.  And in the meantime DH and I have a fucking great life together.  Every couple should be so happy and have as much fun together as we do. 

So, after being sober for 10 years, I know less than ever and that is such a comforting thought.  I don't have to have all the answers.  I don't have to be the prettiest or the thinnest or the smartest or the biggest smart ass or knowitall.  This is called surrender.  And I do it every day - some days better than others.  And it saves my life every day.  I don't know shit.  Which is quite different from being a dumb ass.  And whenever I think about that, I smile.  And breathe. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Things I Would Rather Do Than Go to WalMart

Divers on the Facebook page are some funny motherfuckers. 

Last time DH and I went to Wal-Mart, and to be clear, I made him go after dinner one night to buy candles.  That's all I wanted.

But we walk in and it's night time and it's a horror show. 
There were creepy people in every single row and there was a bird in the card aisle. Now I know there are birds in all big spaces - airports, malls, even the Tower gets birds. But we don't usually see them. This little bird was just sitting in the middle of the aisle, clearly something wrong. I think he was as mortified at WalMart as most of us are. You know that ass sniffing face that cats make, like they are just so offended that cat ass would smell like that?

"hmmm, I wonder what this will smell like, I bet delightful"

"oh my fucking christ can you believe that shit hole smells like that???"

Bill O here came up when I was searching google for "ass sniffing cat face". 
 That above is what I imagine the inner dialogue of this little bird was.  Two nice WalMart employees came over and picked the bird up and took it outside.
The thing about WalMart that freaks me out the most, and there is a lot that freaks me out, and I am not going to feel bad about being snooty in this way.  You think about all the half dressed, poorly hygienated, stank ass, greasy mofos (adult types and childy types) in WalMart, and then think about them touching EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE STORE.  I just can't deal.  I am throwing up in my mouth just writing that.  I think of cheeto/chickenwing fingers and blue mouths and just get skeeved.

Now, I am not a germaphobe.  I believe in washing my hands, a lot, and I am not one for touching things if I don't have to, but there are sites like People of WalMart for a reason.  Because terrifying people go there.  I understand it's cheap, and you have families to feed and clothe.  I am not judging you for your purchasing choices, and I won't get into things being made in sweat shops and all that stuff. 

My brother has always been so skeeved out by second hand shops, he swears we get gingivitis just from walking into one of those places. But I'm MORE skeeved out by WalMart.  I shop at Village Thrift and the Salvation Army even on occasion.  I am no stranger to used, old stuff.  But much of that is good decent stuff rather than shoes for a $1 that have barbecue sauce all over them before they even leave the store. 

There's always big fighting over whether there should be a big box store in the city, and I know, people need jobs.  I get it.  But what is it about WalMart that more so than any other store, brings out the cray cray?

In closing and before y'all yell at me about being uppity about the kinds of folks who frequent every single WalMart on the planet, I would just like to say it take A LOT to freak me out.  I accept all kinds and am quick to defend those who usually don't have a defendant.  Because I have been there.  We good?  So knock that shit talk off right now.  Read my other posts about being a homeless alcoholic and then call me snotty. 

I just feel like I would rather pay to go to a haunted house this time of year than to go get the everloving shits scared outta me by some WalMartians.  For serious.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

For the Love of French Braids and Non-Bumpit Big Bang Theory

Now, let's all be clear.  I have no real life experience with this whole lifestyle, but I am OBSESSED with Sister Wives.  Much like I am OBSESSED with Cuttlefish.  Now I like to think that somewhere a sister wife is saying, "man I'm obsessed with train wreck alcoholic vegan women who don't have any babies yet"  and blogging about someone like me. 
I will watch, read, listen to, stare, follow, stalk sister wives.  Any documentary, any podcast, any book, article, tv show, movie.  You name it, I will do that shit.

I find it just sickly fascinating.  Which, I know, makes me seem a terrible person.  But it's really that I'm in awe of their "all in" attitude.


Big Love. The best scenes were always the ones with the 3 wives. And that Nikki? IDOL.

and this:

I don't watch reality TV as a rule, but screw you if you think I won't watch this shit.
Sister Wives on TLC? that shit is cray.
but more so this:

is what I'm fascinated with. I understand that the modesty factor is big in the Mormon faith.  I get it.  But where does this big 80's french braid hair come in?  If anyone can fill me in, please do.

I'm fairly certain it's a terrible way for a young girl to grow up and I am not making any judgements on the lifestyle or those who choose to live it.  If anything, I want to thank you for believing so hard in french braids and making that big bang theory happen without the aid of bumpits.

The hair, the dresses, the awful shoes underneath those dresses?  the 84 kids that are all related to each other kind of, who grow up and marry each other and keep the reproduction going?  That is some hardcore stuff. 

I read this:

It did a great job of showing the experience from the HUSBAND's point of view.  I quite enjoyed it.
I am very very good friends with a girl who happens to be Mormon.  Now, she and I couldn't be more different in many ways and I tease her relentlessly because I am a bitch. I tease about her magic underpants and she lets me.  She gives it back to me in other ways but my point is, she is one of my favorite people even though we are so very different.  She is one of the kindest and gentlest and most loving and non-judgemental people I've ever known. 

Let me be clear, IN NO WAY DO I THINK ALL MORMONS ARE SISTER WIVES.  So don't come after me y'all.

Because I don't know any Sister Wives in person (or do I?) I like to be really stereotypical about them. You Sister Wives out there (because I'm sure you are reading this blog), keep up the braiding and the shooting and the driving around in SUVs and the preparing for the end of days or whatever it is you do.  

I will be here with my popcorn watching/reading/following every second.  I thank you.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What the Hell is She Eating?

This was posted by my new dumbsainted friend recently and made me want to do a post about it.

I'm going to tell you what I'm eating, because I get this question ALL THE TIME.  I'm not here to preach or anything other than to tell you what I eat.  Feel free to NOT READ any of this if you like.  If you are interested, carry on.

I recently went full on vegan, and while I know many vegans who are the dearest, coolest people (I've made amazing friends through online chat rooms about grasseaters as well), there are plenty out there who love to be dicks.  And I also know the rep vegans have and it's a stereotype for a reason.  Holier than thou, skinny, PETA preaching dickholes.  NOT TRUE MY FRIENDS.  Do I come off that way?  You're damn right I don't.  And PETA sucks.  There are many great animal organizations, PETA is not one of them.  Here - definition of Vegan.  And y'all know how to google. 
There are all different reasons why people go vegan, some religious, some ethical, some dietary -- Mine is moral and ethical and dietary.  I have been vegetarian for 20 years, and my sole reason has always been I love animals so much I cannot eat them. HOWEVER, health had nothing to do with it. I ate like crap. And in the past couple years happiness and marriage has led me to gain weight.

This is the VERY first time I have not taken a pill to lose weight.  I have not stopped eating.  I'm actually feeling like I eat all the time.  But to have lost weight naturally is a first for me.  I've been a yo-yo girl my whole life.

This summer I joined a gym which I rarely use, but my dear friend HOUSE OF PAIN is there and teaches spinning on Mondays, which I love.  (See: Gym Post ) and I walk more and just try to move off my arse more.

I've lost 20 pounds in about 3 months and my clothes fit better and I feel better, blah blah blah, all the stuff that goes with losing weight, which is awesome.  With changing how I eat and exercising more, it's just working.  So, eliminating dairy and sugar seemed the logical way for me to do it.   (See ***disclaimer*** at the bottom of post)

Typical day right now, as I'm still working the vegan thing, and can't see why I would ever go back to just being vegetarian.  Honestly, cheese is what I miss the most, but I know that's also what has taken 20 pounds off, the not eating of the cheese. I wish I could tell you there is a good alternative, but there just isn't.  I've tried everything.  Ok, here we go!

Breakfast (still gag every time I put anything solid in my stomach before noon, but I'm doing it): 
  • BLACK COFFEE (I've had coffee this way since college, any other way is a tragedy)
  • Whole grain toast, one piece with buttery yumminess (that's not really butter)
  • Some kind of fruit, apple or peach usually.

    The perfect combo for any good vegan trying to get knocked up.
  • Leftovers usually - today for example, I have tofu stirfry with veggies and brown rice I made last night.
  • OR, the old standby of Hummus (ALL HAIL THE CHICKPEA!)  Check it.  I LOVE CHICKPEAS  Rarely a day goes by that I have not ingested the glorious Chickpea in some way, shape or form.  Hummus and carrots and whole wheat pita chips is a winner for lunch every time. 
  • Spinach salad from the salad bar downstairs.  With chick peas, and balsalmic drizzle.  Then I throw some sesame seeds and dried cranberries and voila!  healthy yum yum.
Afternoon or evening Snack:
  • Roasted Almonds and Dried Cranberries.  Boom.  Sounds boring, but it's delicious.  And tons of energy.  Better than candy.  Speaking of candy - I ate TONS of candy.  Ever since I got sober, I've had a raging sweet tooth.  I gave up the processed refined sugar a few months ago too.  Now if I do eat processed sugar, I feel like crap. 
  • Baked Kale.  Buy Kale, wash and dry and break into pieces.  Arrange on baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil, sea salt and bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees.  Like potato chips, but way better.  and I happen to love Kale. 
  • Popcorn, on the stove in the Whirly pop.  Tiny bit of oil and salt does the trick.  If you want to get really ridiculous and healthy throw some Nutritional Yeast on there.  *Almost* like parmesan.  Almost my ass, but it is good. And so healthy for you.
  • This is what I made last night and it will last for 3 more lunches.  Simple - in a wok, cook some dried sliced tofu and brown on all sides (undercooked tofu is nasty, this gives it some crunch) take out the tofu and set aside.  IN the wok again, oil and garlic, throw in whatever cut up veggies you have, toss around for just a few mins and throw some soy sauce, teriaki sauce and/or ginger powder and salt and pepper.  done.  Mix in cooked brown rice.  OR I use whole wheat soba noodles sometimes too.

There are so many vegan sites and cookbooks I love, The Kind Life by Alicia Silverstone (yes, Cher) changed my whole outlook.  I can be a Superhero and SO CAN YOU!

And I love this site, forever using stuff from her Fat Free Vegan

Those two are great go to sites, and Cher Horowitz (I mean Alicia Silverstone) really has a whole philosophy in her actual book that I love.

There are so many things to eat, I never feel deprived.  If I really wanted something badly enough, I would eat it.  But I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

I go to Trader Joes (LOVE TJ's and the cutie pie hipsters who work there) and Whole Foods and buy whatever fresh vegetables look good. The I simply cook them. It's been a process for me of trying new things, new flavors, new cooking methods. I eat a shit-ton of vegetables, no getting around it.

Whole Foods can suck a bag of dicks. They are super expensive and kinda dicks. BUT they have the best stuff, especially for vegans. So I make nice with them. I buy what I can only get there, there.  Then I get the rest elsewhere.  There are Fruit/Produce stores on every corner in Chicago. Some are sketchy. Some have really good produce. Use your best judgement.

Another key is adjusting to making and bringing your own food everywhere.  Sure, I still eat out and at other's houses, but it's usually me cooking at home and controlling what is going into my body. 

I don't have kids and Dumpster Husband eats nothing that I make.  In fact, he finds it mostly revolting.  As I think what he eats is mostly revolting.  Which is fine.  We do our own thing when it comes to food and we do it peaceably.  But I know once I have kids, the whole dynamic will change.  People LOVE to tell me that I will want meat when I'm pregnant.  Uh huh.  Totally.  I never say never, but can't imagine.

***Here is my Disclaimer: I am in no way an expert on veganism, weight loss or anything at all. SO please be careful with your diet and just be smart. My rule of thumb lately has been, if it's REAL FOOD, meaning not processesed to shit, you can eat it.***

***Disclaimer Number 2*** I am by no means perfect and NEVER CLAIM TO BE.  I still smoke occasionally ( I know) and that is not vegan.  And I still eat a bit of cheese and sugar.  SO SUE ME.  I'm admitting all this to be brutally honest and to not get yelled at by people wanting to call me hypocrite.  There are a ton of people who want to believe me.

My point here is we are all just trying to do the best we can right?  Progress not Perfection.  Let's not be so hard on each other or ourselves. 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Gratitude for 10 Years Sober

10 Years Sober today.  This is going to be a little obnoxious and sound like a fucking award speech or something, but bear with me, ok?  This is a big fucking deal and I'm going to share about it.

This is my LIFE IS SO FUCKING GOOD face. Mascara running. You jerks are writing such nice stuff it's making me cry!

I realize this isn't something people usually shout from the rooftops, but I've never been more proud of anything than getting and staying sober.  I know that talking about this helps other people, and ultimately, that is the greatest high I get these days.  It's how I give back for what was given to me, and continues to be given to me.

Short and sweet, I am so grateful.  At the basest level, I'm grateful to be alive and healthy.  There were many times I know I could have cashed it in or did stupid things that could have gotten me cashed in, and I'm so glad those things didn't happen.

On another level, I am so very grateful for the people along the way who have picked me up, continued to deal with my bullshit, and just loved me through all of it.  For people who said, "we won't love you to death", and let me go until I cleaned up my act, I am super grateful. 

Not a believer in any kind of religion, or any one god type figure, I do believe in something. Some karmic universal power. What I believe is you get back what you put out into the world. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. That helps keep me sober. I'm not asking for your approval. I'm telling you what works for me.

I am so grateful for AA and the 12 steps.  It is my church.  It gives me strength and helps me to help others.  The people in those rooms are some of the best people I've ever known.  I've said it before and I will say it again, if we didn't laugh our asses off in there, why would be go?  I mean, sure, we cry and talk about serious stuff, but perhaps the most important thing to me is that we all laugh so hard with each other.  I've met people who have helped me get and stay sober, and then others ask me for help and I help.   That is how this whole thing works.

Big gratitude for people who in no way have a drinking problem, my friends and family who listen to my shit and we all laugh while they have a drink, I encourage it!  Seriously, have one, or twelve,  for me. I am laughing too.  It's all good.  My husband is a "normie".  But damn is he in love with me.  And respectful of all of this.  He's celebrating today as much as I am, as we both know we wouldn't have this great life together if I weren't sober.  Dumpster Baby or not, we have a great life together. 

We are all tiny grains of sand, it's when we all join together that we cover huge amounts of space.  You all are my grains of sand.  I cannot do this alone. 

Cheesy?  You betcha.  Deadly serious.  As all fucking get out.  I live to laugh.  And I get to live because I am sober. 

Now, the most valuable fake gold I will own today.......