Monday, October 24, 2011

Things I Would Rather Do Than Go to WalMart

Divers on the Facebook page are some funny motherfuckers. 

Last time DH and I went to Wal-Mart, and to be clear, I made him go after dinner one night to buy candles.  That's all I wanted.

But we walk in and it's night time and it's a horror show. 
There were creepy people in every single row and there was a bird in the card aisle. Now I know there are birds in all big spaces - airports, malls, even the Tower gets birds. But we don't usually see them. This little bird was just sitting in the middle of the aisle, clearly something wrong. I think he was as mortified at WalMart as most of us are. You know that ass sniffing face that cats make, like they are just so offended that cat ass would smell like that?

"hmmm, I wonder what this will smell like, I bet delightful"

"oh my fucking christ can you believe that shit hole smells like that???"

Bill O here came up when I was searching google for "ass sniffing cat face". 
 That above is what I imagine the inner dialogue of this little bird was.  Two nice WalMart employees came over and picked the bird up and took it outside.
The thing about WalMart that freaks me out the most, and there is a lot that freaks me out, and I am not going to feel bad about being snooty in this way.  You think about all the half dressed, poorly hygienated, stank ass, greasy mofos (adult types and childy types) in WalMart, and then think about them touching EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE STORE.  I just can't deal.  I am throwing up in my mouth just writing that.  I think of cheeto/chickenwing fingers and blue mouths and just get skeeved.

Now, I am not a germaphobe.  I believe in washing my hands, a lot, and I am not one for touching things if I don't have to, but there are sites like People of WalMart for a reason.  Because terrifying people go there.  I understand it's cheap, and you have families to feed and clothe.  I am not judging you for your purchasing choices, and I won't get into things being made in sweat shops and all that stuff. 

My brother has always been so skeeved out by second hand shops, he swears we get gingivitis just from walking into one of those places. But I'm MORE skeeved out by WalMart.  I shop at Village Thrift and the Salvation Army even on occasion.  I am no stranger to used, old stuff.  But much of that is good decent stuff rather than shoes for a $1 that have barbecue sauce all over them before they even leave the store. 

There's always big fighting over whether there should be a big box store in the city, and I know, people need jobs.  I get it.  But what is it about WalMart that more so than any other store, brings out the cray cray?

In closing and before y'all yell at me about being uppity about the kinds of folks who frequent every single WalMart on the planet, I would just like to say it take A LOT to freak me out.  I accept all kinds and am quick to defend those who usually don't have a defendant.  Because I have been there.  We good?  So knock that shit talk off right now.  Read my other posts about being a homeless alcoholic and then call me snotty. 

I just feel like I would rather pay to go to a haunted house this time of year than to go get the everloving shits scared outta me by some WalMartians.  For serious.


  1. Yer peeps be cray cray. And I mean that in the best way possible. Their responses to your game are hilar.

  2. Yes, those were really super funny. And Walmart definitely is the creepiest of the creepy. I'm sort of obsessed with ours, though. It was big to begin with, and now they're like tripling the size. I don't understand. I really think they're trying to slowly spread it out to take over our entire city.

  3. I am too cheap to shop at Target all the time. I loved it before they made them Super WalMarts. Food does NOT belong at WalMart.
    I refuse to go on a weekend. Early week day mornings are not bad...or late at night at Christmas.

  4. How the heck did I not see this post until now?! No, really?!

    "WalMartians" as a term is FTW, although the place itself is very much not!

  5. I;m gonna craugh!!! I loved this post when you created it, and still love it today!

  6. Just going to throw this out here...

    I'm a college student, and where I go to school, I'd rather break my leg than go to Walmart. The city Walmart people scare me.

    But back home, in the middle of nowhere Indiana, Walmart is pretty much the only option without driving minimum 45 minutes or paying $5 for a gallon of milk at the gas station. And that one isn't as scary. It's like a high school reunion every weekend. You see at least 5 people you know and the "People of Walmart" only come out when it gets warm enough to be out on the lake. Then it gets a little terrifying.