Secrets Can be Funny - Even the Dark Ones

There are all these feelings.  The DARK FEELINGS that nobody wants you to talk about.

I am fairly confident in saying that every new mom who stays home with newborns has these feelings.  And multiply that by two, and you have this dark dark shit that you feel guilty about feeling.  GUESS WHAT?  I'm talking about it.  I'm alone.  This is about the loneliest I've ever felt, save for being a hopeless drunk.  It's completely different, mind you, but it's lonely nonetheless.  I'm on my own here during the day with two little beings, who while incredibly cute do nothing but SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME.  Literally and metaphorically.  My bewbies are drained and pumped so hard, they are pretty much indented.  While yes, we are incredibly grateful for these two precious gifts, CHRIST ON A BICYCLE they are exhausting and soul sucking. 

They are also soul affirming when they smile or do something funny, like fartcrying - which is just what it sounds like.  Fart-cry Fart-cry Fart-cry.  It's HILARIOUS.  You know, when a baby does it.  Not adults so much. Have some pride.  My dear sweet dumpster husband coined this term, HASHTAG FARTCRY (#fartcry).  Let's make it rain on Twitter, y'all. 

There's a lot of crying in the Dumpster House lately.  Babies and Mommy cry.  Sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately while mommy is in the shower she cries.  AND GUESS WHAT?  That is perfectly ok!  We all gotta get that shit out! 

I'm using online AA Meetings like they are a fucking life jacket right now.  A LIFE JACKET.  AA and meetings keep me sane.  Keep me sober.  Keep me connected.  I need that now more than ever.  I'm connected with other moms.  Other multiple moms.  And it helps.  It really does, HOWEVER.......

Sure you say, hey Katy, you are going out and having visitors and a wonderful family and support system and have a fantastic completely wonderful husband, so doesn't that help with the loneliness?  Well, of COURSE it does.  But you know what we drunks need?  OTHER DRUNKS.  I am saying all this here and I trust that you all will relate and not judge me.  That is what I do with other drunks.  They get it.  They get the deep dark loneliness that we can feel sometimes.  We are able to climb back out together if we acknowledge ALL THE FEELINGS.

Finding people we connect with is critical.  Drunks or not.  People we trust and that will have our backs when we call crying or write a text that says something like, "HOLY SHIT THESE BABIES ARE BEING ASSHOLES TODAY" and not think you aren't so fucking grateful for them is CRITICAL. 

There are more feelings now than I've ever had in my life.  And they are good and bad and don't have to define me or what I'm going through.  It's simply admitting that they are there and getting them out in the open and dealing with them that lessen their power.  I am NOT ALONE.  You are not alone. 

These two don't have any secrets.  Everything they feel is right out in the open.  I'm kind of jealous.

"Don't tell Mommy, but let's demand simultaneous feedings every time today!  That will make her lose her shit!  No rest for the weary, and GO!"

Here's the thing.  In the end, if we can laugh at ourselves and have people in our lives who we open up to that MAKE US LAUGH about all this, it can save us on a daily basis.  It's all so minute, it's all so small, my world right now.  It's babies.  Every day, all day.  AND THAT IS ISOLATING.  I have to keep connected or I'm done for.  This is the shit that keeps me sober and laughing and grateful every damn day.   

Thank YOU for reading and sharing and helping me every damn day.  I hope I'm doing the same for you. 

There's Something Happening Here

There is something happening here.  What it is ain't exactly clear.

OK OK it is clear.  Exactly clear.  And it isn't war.  It's love.  It's hippy dippy trippy love for babies that a few years ago I didn't even know I wanted or needed.  It's fierce and it's growing every single minute.  I know I'm not the first woman to ever experience this kind of love. Not only for babies but for my husband and my family and friends who are so very helpful and generous. 

It's this unexplainable overwhelming urge to catch my heart as it beats out of my chest when she locks eyes and smiles at me.  Or when he reaches out his hands and grabs my chest with the force of a tidal wave but with tiny little hands that need me for everything right now.

What did I do to be given this gift of life?  Of lives?  Not just for babies, but for me.  I'm a second chancer and because I am sober and stay sober I get these gifts.  I don't deserve them.  Why do I get all this and so many don't?  My heart breaks when I hear the stories of heartache that people go through and it ups my gratitude 8 million times over.  I want to give everyone this gift of hope and love and light.  I am asking myself all the time why I am living this life that is so beyond my wildest dreams I can't quite reconcile it.  And yet, I am grabbing on with both hands and holding on so tight so that I don't fuck it up. 

If life were fair, I would be dead.  But I'm not.  And I'm doing my best to make sure this life is full.  FULL OF LIFE AND LOVE AND AS MUCH HAPPINESS AS WE CAN STAND.  Mixed in with heartache and disappointment and failure that makes the highs so much more sweet. 

I screw things up.  It's what I've done in the past.  It's what makes me a second chancer.  It's what makes a lot of us second chancers.  We were given an opportunity to do things over, better, smarter, with more hope and gusto than we ever thought we could muster.  And I believe in us.  I believe that we can do this without losing everything. Again.  I did that once.  And I'm hoping it was enough.  I'm hoping if I practice gratitude as much as I can, I don't have to lose everything again. 

Sure, I will fail and make mistakes.  I didn't know I wanted this life until I let go and fell completely for the man who is my heart.  And now he and I get to share two teeny tiny hearts that are just starting out.  I get a chance to do better and be better every day with these little lives.  They make me better. 

Just like sobriety makes me better.  You see a theme here?  I stay sober and I get the chances.  I get the opportunities I never thought I would have.  I stay open to learning and loving and failure, and I get the life beyond my wildest dreams. 

This is not a new message.  This is not something profound that I am experiencing that no one has ever experienced before.  What is new is that it's happening to me.  And it can happen for you. Maybe not in exactly the same way and you may not want any of this, but you are worthy of second chances.  I'm full of hope today.  And really, isn't it a great day to be alive?

 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 60

This is going to come off as bitter or sweet, hopefully bittersweet.  I LOVE going to work every day.  Even on days where I say, "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED TODAY" I still love that I get to get up and get dressed and get on the train and go downtown to the office every day. 

So, it's begun to hit me that I have a big life change coming on.  Yes, I know, I am a bit slow, but I will be be having babies soon, very soon, and it will mean I will be home for about 5 months with them because apparently babies need their mother for certain things. WHO KNEW?  Pfffft.

We women are incredible.  We can bring home the facon, fry it up in the pan (well, if I cooked that would be true).  I have is an incredible husband who does so much stuff to be helpful and supportive and just always has, like, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all that stuff.  I'm quite spoiled with him as I never had to ask, he just does all this.

Now, yesterday was my first official WORK FROM HOME day.  It's been coming as Boss has said, "cut down your hours and work from home when you can."  I am open to it and I feel like I've got the set up, new office chair and fax/copier/scanner all ready to go.  Sally Boy and Eliza Jane are both not at all helpful, but they are furry and cute and distracting.  So, I will be working at home here and there for the next few weeks.

But the thing is, I was incredibly sad yesterday.  Lethargic even.  I know this is coming and if one g-d person says I'm ungrateful for these babies coming, so help me......I keep saying my biggest fear in having babies is other moms.  So please, if you want to give me shit about expressing this sadness right now when the best thing in the world is really happening with these babies, share your judgement someplace else.  This is a judgement free zone. 

We women are so many things to so many people, including ourselves.  I LOVE my work identity and that I am good at what I do and appreciated.  I had 4 people tell me it was so quiet and boring at work yesterday without me.  That MADE MY DAY.  I celebrate that I am wanted and needed here. 

That takes nothing away from how uber excited I am to devote my entire life to these babies for the next several months.  I mean, the rest of my life will be devoted to them, but I will have many other parts of my life as well. 

1. My AA part where I am vital and needed and I SO DESPERATELY NEED AA and all that goes with it.
2. My work part as I will of course, keep working - both because I love my work and because we absolutely have to have the money and insurance. 
3. MY WRITING LIFE!  (yes, I'm slowly realizing that I am, in fact,  a writer) and after I quit doing the acting thing, it's been a definite creative and healthy outlet for me, I will NOT be giving that up. And the people I've met through writing this blog have truly changed my life for the better.  Have no fear, I shall be writing for my sanity and for yours. 
4. My healthy lifestyle that I worked so hard to get going before getting pregnant.  And while I've been pregnant it's been a big part of why I look and feel so good.  I aspire to keep that shit up!  

It's so important that we keep ourselves fully rounded. We are women, gotdammit.  We are way more than just our children.  I say that with all the love in my heart for my babies, but similarly to us needing to be COMPLETELY WHOLE without a partner, we need to be completely whole on our own so that we can give so much to the people and tasks we love.  I say all the time to women I sponsor in AA, we need to be GOOD, WHOLE, COMPLETE without a partner.  Only then, can we fully give of ourselves to another.  And that takes work.  I've been that girl/woman who needed complete validation from a boy/man and it is no good. NO GOOD I TELL YA!  I choose to believe the same philosophy is true with having children.  I wrote about this here before - my babies will never have to see me drunk, if I do the work.

So, you will forgive me when I say that I am beginning to mourn my lifestyle without children.  And it is OK.  When I quit drinking I mourned that lover.  When I quit smoking I mourned that lover.  I am STILL really mourning that lover.  Every damn day.  And just like a relationship, major life changes require adjustment periods and loss and gain and everything in between.  And it is HEALTHY TO ADMIT THIS SHIT. 

My life is going to change.  But it certainly is for the better.  That is the THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.  I can be grateful that I have learned to practice the healthy mourning of change in my life.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It is something to celebrate and acknowledge and share with each other.  No shame.  Only love and appreciation of the moment.  In a healthy supportive way.  We women need each other.  This is no time for judgement.  Just love and acceptance of who we are and what we are feeling.  I'm so in, are you?

Pause

I am an asshole.  I have to work at not being an asshole sometimes.  It's gotten so much better than it used to be, but sometimes it still seeps out, like when you fill your teeny tiny coffee mug too full and try to put the to-go top on it and coffee seeps out the side.  And then I cry.  That is my inner asshole seeping out. 

The best trick I've learned since being sober is to PAUSE. 

No matter how badly in my gut I want to respond in anger or in hurt or in tears or in venomous replies, I CAN PAUSE today.  I can yell and scream at an email or a fake person about what I'm angry or hurt about (because anger is usually a cover up for hurt - at least for me), but I do not have to respond immediately. 

I've written about this before, and due to my fiery Irish temper, it doesn't ever truly go away.  You know in the 12 step program we have what are called Character Defects, and a big part of working a good program is to get rid of these defects.  But the funny thing is, they are some of our favorite things.  I love my anger.  I love my passion.  I love my fight for the underdog no matter the cost and I don't want to apologize for that. 

But what I don't love is drama and hurt and constant wondering what is going to happen next because of something stupid that I did or said that I know I will regret almost immediately.

How often do I respond in anger or hurt and regret it?  Almost every damn time.  How often do I pause and reflect and bounce things off other people and NOT respond in anger and hurt and regret it?  NEVER. IT NEVER HAPPENS.  I pick my battles, make no mistake.  When there is something to fight, I will fight it, just not in the gut reaction way I used to. 

The good news is, I don't do that shit nearly as much as I used to.  And my life is better because of it.

People who constantly have drama in their lives, unfortunately fail to realize that at least some of that drama is their own damn fault.  I used to say, "I hate drama so much!  I don't want drama in my life!"  But then I would turn around and say something that I KNEW DAMN WELL would cause a reaction from someone.  And the cycle continues. 

After I got sober, I thought my life would be so boring that I created my own drama.  Boy did I.  These days, I try so very hard to have an HONEST, normal, quiet, happy, joyous and free existence.  And most of the time, that is exactly what I have.  I don't have to worry what the next email or phone call with be and I can look people in the eyes and take responsibility for my part in things. 

THAT IS A MIRACLE.

I had to apologize to a friend today because I was an asshole and reacted and took something out on her very inappropriately.  It's not right and it's not fair.  And the best part is I can apologize, and she has a choice of saying, "it's OK" or "screw you, you are an asshole."  Luckily for me, she was fine.  And I cried.  But what else is new?

I cannot control other people, or what they say and do to me, BUT I do find that if I am in control of my side of the street, life seems to go a lot more smoothly.  And that is something I never ever thought I would be able to say - that I love this truly drama free life of mine today.  Just like anything worth keeping, though, I must be vigilant.  My inner asshole is just waiting for me to let her jump into action. 

Misery Loves Company?

I've noticed since I've been pregnant many many MANY people WANT me to complain.  It happened before I got pregnant too, because I've been fighting this happiness battle a long time.  But it's happening way more now since I am pregnant.  It's like they cannot wait for me to start whining about how terrible this all is.  Either the pregnancy part of the having two kids coming part.  Well, I hate to disappoint you, but when you work so hard to get pregnant in the first place, you don't really find reason to complain.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  And I know there are many of you out there who feel exactly the same way I do. 

And I don't need to "just wait until.....".  I don't.  If my past is any indication of what my attitude will be, I will choose gratitude.  For all of it.  Even when I'm miserable.  BECAUSE I MAKE THAT CHOICE.   It doesn't mean I'm delusional or in denial.  It simply means, I've been through shit.  And I can see so much good in every day little stuff that so many take for granted.  There are those among us who celebrate normalcy and even going through pains of something like being pregnant, I am thankful for every little ache and pain and don't take it lightly at all. 

We paid a lot of money and I had one of the worst, darkest periods of my life with In Vitro.  Why the hell would we do all that only to complain about being pregnant and then about having kids? 

I guess it's interesting to me that people so badly want me to be miserable.  Is it really the "misery loves company" thing?  I find it online and in real life, that people say, "how are you feeling?" And I say, "I feel pretty good, I feel lucky that this is a pretty easy pregnancy."  SILENCE.  and then they say, "well just wait, and then they go on to tell me about something TERRIBLE that I will experience with these kids."  Well, yeah.  That's the whole point isn't it?  That doesn't mean I'm not still going to be happy about it at the end of the day. 

I understand some people are bitter.  I understand that some people are not happy in their lives and feel the need to pass along their misery to others, but you know what?  I HAVE A SHIELD AGAINST YOU.

That's right.  This is some Captain America comic book shit right here.  I have a shield against bitterness and negativity and emotional vampirism and I will fight you.  I with fight to not fall victim to your unhappiness.  Because I have been in a hole of unhappiness and I need to defend myself against it. 

I don't mean to say it's all bloody sunshine and roses and that I don't feel extremely uncomfortable and scared and unprepared and all that, but god dammit, we wanted this so badly and we are getting this, and I am more than anything else, SO FUCKING HAPPY and grateful that this is happening. 

So, when you approach me and you have a snarky, snide, bitter comment to make just know, I WILL DEFLECT IT.  I want you to be happy too.  We're not all happy all the damn time, but damn, is life ever good.  I can only control my part of things, and I control that I won't react to negativity if I can at all help it. 

You want to bring me down, YOU WILL HAVE TO TRY HARDER.  Well, no, don't.  I don't really want you to try to bring me down, just as I will only try to build you up.   I want you to be happy, joyous and free.  Not sad and miserable and joyless.  No matter what is going on in my life, even through tears and freak outs, I can find something to be thankful for. 

Then there are the people who are choosing happiness as well.  I love to surround myself with these people.  Even as they go through the shit, they try to find the bright side.  I know, I know, we are annoying as hell, but still we go on and we are hopeful and filled with gratitude.   When you've been through hell on earth, you know that anything else has to be better than that.  And it is.  It really is better.  We all have darkness.  We all experience highs and lows and it's how we deal with those extremes that makes a difference in the long term.

I choose to surround myself with people who want the light and love of happiness.  We fight for it.  We fight for each other.  And that fight can get ugly.  Seems like a paradox - an ugly fight to be happy.  But it is, because it doesn't come naturally to a lot of us.  We have to work at it.  Don't make me start ugly crying, because it's about all I do lately.  And you know what?  I am happy about that.  FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS!  Who wants to put their shield up with me?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 59

I have someone very very close to me who just put someone they love into detox this morning.  This is not earth shattering in that this happens all the time.  People are at the end of their rope and desperate to keep their families together and say they will DO ANYTHING to keep what they have.  DESPERATION and BACKS AGAINST THE WALL are some of recovery's best friends.  OR, it's all bullshit and the people go right back out and drink or use again, like I did several times, before I finally quit drinking for good.

The Thing I Love this Thursday is that I can be there for someone going through all this with a loved one and be compassionate and helpful and just listen.  Just having some perspective about all of this is a blessing.  Usually it takes a good long time before somebody gets to detox or rehab.  There have been many many broken promises, terribly embarrassing occurrences, blackouts, break ups, divorces, custody battles, firings, evictions of the heart and the soul. 

There have been promises, oh how we alcoholics love to make promises.  And it's not even that we don't mean them with all our being at the time, it's just that WE FAIL.  Over and over and over.  WE WILL FAIL.  And yet, we want you to believe us.  To give us just one more chance after we've already exhausted so many chances and thrown them in your face.  We still want you to believe in us and help us just ONE MORE TIME.  It will be different.  I will get better.  I will do it for you.  I will do it for my kids.  I will do it for my family.  I will do it for my boyfriend.  BULLSHIT. 

I know it's bullshit because I have used every single excuse and reason there is to justify that I went out and drank again.  That I hid it in Tupperware containers all over your apartment because I am incredibly shameful and yet, still not ready to quit.  I know it's bullshit because I picked being homeless and penniless and hopeless over a nice warm AA meeting with free coffee.  This only works when we do it for ourselves. When we decide we are enough and we are worthy.

EVERYONE HAS GIVEN UP ON ME.  Everyone has given up on me except for other drunks.  Other drunks extend their hand and say, "I have been where you are and I understand and I will help you up.  AS LONG AS YOU ARE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOURSELF."

Who could expect our loved ones who we have burned repeatedly for years with our lies and our deception and broken promises to give us more?   And yet, they do, and this person I'm really really close to is beating himself up saying, "I'm an enabler."  Of course you are.  You love this person and the hardest thing to do is to cut off the love and help you think you are giving someone who so desperately needs it.

The thing with us drunks is, we so desperately need help, but until we WANT help?  Nothing makes a lick of difference. 

I'm confident saying I was a big fat liar, cheater, manipulator and all around bad person when I was drinking.  I didn't want to be, but that's what I was.  And as desperately sad and without any hope at all as I was, I still drank and did terrible things to keep up the lies.  BECAUSE I WAS SICK and I didn't take responsibility for anything.   Until I stepped up and OWNED every bad decision I made, I was going to continue to be sick and continue that cycle, hurting everyone who loved me and invested their time, love, energy and resources on me.  It was like a big FUCK YOU to everyone who loved me.

The fact that I CHOOSE HOPE today is a miracle.  And I believe in miracles as I am one.  I shouldn't be here and I know many many others who shouldn't be here either.  If life were fair, we would be dead.  Or at least not nearly as blessed as we are. 

With that in mind, we cannot give up on people who are sick.  But we do have to take care of ourselves first.  You know that whole, "when the oxygen mask comes down, put it on yourself first before you help others?" Yeah, life and dealing with addicts/alcoholics is like that too.  YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.  You are no good to anyone if you are completely depleted of resources, love and hope.  Put that oxygen mask on and BREATHE DEEP.  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for anyone's sobriety.  ONLY THAT PERSON is responsible.  I promise you.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 58

This is a great symbol to me of good clean fun.  Save me the "soda is bad for you" routine, I rarely drink it and sometimes it's the only thing that hits the spot.

There is so much to love this Thursday, it's difficult to pick one Thing.  And that one thing today is that I am pretty raw.  And that suits me just fine.  I am far from blocked off, as far as what I share for the greater good.  Let me explain:

I was asked to do an interview, along with Mary Tyler Mom, a fantastic writer and blogger who also happens to be in Chicago, and I am so proud to be her friend.  Anyway, we met up with this writer for a Chicago magazine last night at a little cafe in our neighborhood and chatted over delicious, but a rare treat for me, Coca Colas.

People know MTM as a Cancer Mom.  And she is.  Boy is she ever.  And the most gracious and devoted advocate for Pediatric Cancer I know and honestly, her story of her daughter Donna changed my life and tons of other people's lives around the world.  And now, being friends with MTM has shown me she is SO MUCH MORE than Cancer Mom.  It's her passion and her calling, just like I am Sobriety Girl and more recently, IVF and TWINS LADY.  And yet, I am SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. 

Sometimes, not for long, but sometimes, I forget.  I sit in a fancy little place like that with two healthy babies growing in my belly with two successful moms who have lives that are good and relatively normal and I forget.  We sit there and chat and answer questions as if I am one of them.  And today, I kind of am like them.  I kind of belong to that club of women who have it all, who struggle -  AS EVERYONE DOES and if they don't admit it they're lying -  but who are incredibly blessed.

The truth is, I NEVER FORGET.  I blog about my story and where I've come from so I don't ever forget.  I talk about my story a lot so I never ever forget or take for granted that I am ONLY in this position because I am sober.  That I am not just like them.  I AM A DRUNK - surprise!  And you all know I'm grateful for that.  But the truth is, if they have wine while sitting there talking they can go on about their daily lives, if I have wine, my entire universe and everyone in it is fucked.

The lovely woman who was interviewing us last night asked, "how does it feel to be so RAW?"  Well, I am never good at spur of the moment answers, and I tend to trip over my words until I am behind a screen with a keyboard and then I can find my words.  RAW?  Well, when you've lost everything and you crawl back out to try to make a life for yourself, the word RAW doesn't occur to you.  You just do whatever you can do to make your life work. 

Am I an impostor in my own life?  Sometimes it feels that way.  When I'm somewhere new and nobody knows my story and my situation, I feel like an impostor.  Like I should have a big sign on my forehead that says, "I am a drunk who's not drinking and a smoker who's not smoking, so please consider this your warning"  But I don't have that.  I just look like a normal person, but I'm not a normal person.  I bet most of us feel that way.  I am not the only one with a back story and a story that is CRITICAL I keep in front of my face AT ALL TIMES.    But I don't have to keep it in YOUR face at all times.  It's my responsibility.  When you are in recovery, it has to be a constant thing, 24 hours a day, not just when it's convenient. 

It's not just not ordering a drink at a cafe, it's being responsible, whenever and wherever somebody is asking for help, I am responsible.  It doesn't mean I am responsible FOR THAT PERSON.  BUT I am responsible to carry the message of hope and recovery.  And I can honestly say I do. No matter how inconvenient it is or even if I just don't feel like it, I carry that damn message.  And it helps me be grateful.  All day, every day.  YOU all help keep me sober.  We help each other.  I have reminders of OH MY GOD, HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?  Meaning, I seriously pinch myself and think, THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN I EVER COULD HAVE DREAMED.  Even on the shittiest of days, it's still so much better than my best days drunk.  

And the reason is because I have been so RAW.  I am going to say that is my Thing I Love this Thursday.  Being raw.  I am happy to be known as Sobriety Girl or Drunk Girl who is not drinking today, or whatever I am characterized as.  I know that without this, I have nothing.   I am that and so much more, but at the core, that is who I am and I have no shame about that.  It is because I am a drunk who is in recovery that I get to be a mom.  And a way better mom than I would have been had I not gone through all this.  And one day, I will proudly share my story and this blog with my kids.  They will know about their mom.  I can't stop them from taking their own path, but I can tell them my experience, strength and hope.  So, if that makes me raw, so be it.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to.  It sure feels way more than it ever did, that's for damn sure. 

We have to feel the really really bad and the really really good to experience life.  No numbing.  No running away.  Just feeling.  Sitting with it and experiencing all that life has to offer.  If you numb it out, it is still there.  It doesn't go away.  It's always there until we deal with it.  I find if I just get to the business of dealing with the shit, I get to deal with the sweet that much more.  Like, for example, having a sweet delicious Coca Cola with two lovely ladies talking about how great life is through grateful tears and laughter. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 57

Hey!  Did you know that November is Gratitude Month?  Well, it makes sense since Thanksgiving falls in November that folks get reflective, right?  I'm all about gratitude as you well know, AND IT'S NOT FOR A DAY OR A WEEK OR A MONTH OF THE YEAR, BUT EVERY DAY ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I found this great passage relating to A.A. and gratitude - and I love this part -

"Gratitude. It's a weighty, high-dignity word, but in truth its close companions are humor and joy. As Bill W. observed early on in the Big Book (p. 132), "Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others." What greater cause can there be for rejoicing than this?"

LAUGHTER.  People are sometimes horrified that we joke about these awful terrible things we did or what happened, but if we didn't laugh about it, we would constantly be in the fetal position crying and terrified.  So I say, let's LAUGH!  I just want to give back what was so freely given to me by so many who walked this path before I did.  And laughter and humor are a huge part of helping people who are trying to get better.  I laugh so much harder and more genuinely since I got sober, than I ever did when I was drinking or even before I ever drank.  Being a drunk has led me to happiness.  True happiness. 

Honestly, I am so grateful to be a drunk who is not drinking because I never would have known about gratitude if not for that whole LOSING EVERYTHING thing. 

I talk about gratitude lists a lot. Because they are critical to my sobriety and my keeping everything in perspective. I can be so grateful because I have been so hopeless. I haven't been hopeless for a long time, and for that, I have sobriety to thank.

On Facebook the last few years, I've seen people list something they are thankful for every day of November.  Which is all fine and good, but I say, why not do it every damn day of the year,  not just for one month.  Do you want a challenge?  I dare you to start making gratitude lists every day.  I do mine at night before I go to bed when I do what is called a 10th Step in the program.  It's taking a daily inventory of what you think you handled well, and what you could have done better in handling.  Honestly, it's a great way to end the day before putting it to bed, as we only have 24 hours. 

You've seen my standard gratitude lists before -

1. sobriety
2. roof over my head
3. my dear sweet husband
4. my job
5. kitties
6. nutritious food and clean water
7. friends and family
8. these two babes in my belly

That is just the base. It builds from there and can go into as much detail as you like. All I know is, being grateful for what I have and laughing about just about everything helps me to stay sober and help others every day. You certainly don't need to be sober or working a 12 Step program to do gratitude. It happens when you are thankful and open to the little things that make this life so great. It's all around us.

We don't have a lot.  But we have so much.  Instead of whining and complaining, for the most part, I choose gratitude and hope.  Even for the shitty parts.  I have my moments, OF COURSE, every human does.  But I accept every part of what has been my life and try to learn and grow from it.  Sometimes it doesn't happen for years that I understand what things meant or why they happened and there are many things I will just never understand and that is OK.  I don't need to understand everything. 

Here's what I do know, as I posted last night -  

I'm pretty sure the stinky boozey homeless dude sits next to me on the train because I've been the stinky boozey homeless dudette. And I look him in the eye. Compassion doesn't take time off.

and then -

I always ask "where you headed?" And say oh I've been to a good AA meeting around there. We try. That's the best we can do. Some are more open to chatting than others. Ill happily share my experience strength and hope with someone who wants to hear it.

I have compassion, but it had to be learned.  I had to go through what I did in order to feel compassion for those who are suffering and less than in society's eyes.  I can't force people to listen, and I don't want to.  People who want change will be open to it and those who aren't ready, won't.  There is nothing we can do to help except for try without being forceful.  Nobody wants that forceful preaching, including me.  I'm grateful for compassion.  I'm grateful for what I've been through and knowing that others are going through it right now and much worse and I am here to help if I can. 

So, the Thing I Love this Thursday is gratitude.  Gratitude lists if you will.   Try it.  What have you got to lose?  I should add that I am grateful for all you readers out there.  I bet there are amazing gratitude lists out there.  From truly amazing people.   Let's be truly truly grateful.  Not just this month.  But for every day. 

Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Quit

This is NOT a successories post.  I'm not going to say QUITTERS NEVER WIN AND WINNERS NEVER QUIT or some other bullshit that is likely true, but leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I will say, it is possible to get through the shit and come out the other side and smell pretty damn sweet.  See?  I know, cliche and silly.  But true.  I can't help myself.

I've heard from a lot of twin mommies lately.  Who've been through the shit with their babies who were born premature with terrible odds of health problems, and so many made it through and are today happy, healthy kids.  They didn't give up.  They were fighters and they beat the odds.  There are others who fought just as hard and didn't make it.  And there is no explanation for that tragedy.  None.  I sit here typing with shaking hands as I cannot begin to understand the cosmic reasoning for this fact that we lose some souls every day who fought just as hard as the others but didn't make it.  I feel that way with us being pregnant, why us and not so many others who so desperately want this and have tried all the same things we did, WHY US? 

And then there are the addicts and alcoholics out there who want sobriety, who need sobriety and yet, cannot grasp on and keep it.  WHY ME?  Why am I given this gift every day?  I do the work, but so do many others and they don't get it or they die.  This disease kills people every single day.  I see it and know the people it kills who are just like me.  I cannot sit and focus on the WHY ME aspect of this second chance I've been given, all I can do is be grateful and PASS IT ON.  Pass it all on as much as I can.  

I have this friend.  Who is struggling to find a job.  To find a place.  To find comfort in every day things that most of us -  in this country anyway - at least those of us reading this blog, take comfort in.  That we will have gas money.  That we will have enough food to feed our children and ourselves.  Our pets.  That we will be able to pay our phone bills.  I know this friend is trying her damnedest to make it all work.  She is not sitting on her arse waiting for someone to hand her all the answers, she just wants a damn job!  She is grateful for what she has, but she is frustrated.  I'm pretty sure she wants me to SHUT THE FUCK UP with all my positivity and THIS TOO SHALL PASS nonsense.  But I keep saying what my sponsor and others said to me when I was at my lowest, which was after I got sober, by the way, because things don't magically get better just because we get sober. 

It's ironic that I should say never ever ever ever ever quit, as I am the QUEEN OF QUITTERS.  Smoking, drinking, caffeine, sugar, fake sugar, soda, meat, dairy (which has come back a bit since being knocked up), anti-depressants, cheating, lying, being a terrible person - those are all things I've quit.  And yet, I still say, never ever ever ever quit when it comes to fighting this life of battles. 

You know my story.  I had it all with my family growing up.  I drank it all away and was homeless for a while before going to jail and finally getting and staying sober and having to build everything back up from NOTHING.  But I did it.  But I didn't do it alone.  And I kept going, even when all I did every day was go to AA meetings and didn't even have enough money to put a dollar in the collection basket.  Back then at the clubhouse I went to, they would say, "if you have a dollar, share; if you need a dollar, take it and pay it back later."  I prided myself in not taking those dollars, when in reality they would have made a big difference in how my everyday life went at that time.

To think that one dollar can make that big a difference in someone's everyday existence changes EVERYTHING.  If you've never felt what it's like to not have enough for a bus ride, then you don't know what I'm talking about.  But we all should.  We all should experience what it really feels like to have nothing and be dependent on the kindness of strangers and our gumption to get us through the day without crumbling and giving up.  People do it every day, for years, for a lifetime.  I was fortunate in that mine only lasted a couple years.  I didn't have kids to support and frankly, I have no idea how women who do get through all of this without losing their kids, which many of them do. 

So back to my friend who is struggling so hard right now and feeling defeated and like the world is against her and all her hard work of filling out job applications and praying and working the steps and doing all THE NEXT RIGHT THINGS she can muster, I say, KEEP GOING.  I have been there.  So many of us have been there and it will get better. IT WILL GET BETTER and the only way you can be truly grateful is to have weathered the worst of times and come out of it a better, stronger, fiercer fighter than you ever were before.

I've met so many bitter, hardened, life weary people in my life and that doesn't make you tough.  Hell, I used to be one.  People say I've softened in the past few years, and I admit that I have.  I'm not as bitter or anxious to make sure YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY SUCKS ABOUT EVERYTHING as I used to be as life is pretty damn good once you get to the place of acceptance and gratitude.  What makes you tough is going through HELL and all the SHIT and being the lowest common denominator and  coming out of it with hope and grace and dignity.  And passing this shit onto the next person who needs it. 

At a meeting last week one of the old guys said to me, "I seem to remember a blonde girl pounding on this table yelling, RELAPSE IS NOT PART OF RECOVERY!"  And yes, that was me.  I was angry and I wanted to shove everything in everyone's face.  I don't have to prove anything these days.   I just need to be there for people and not judge them.

The richest people in the world worry about protecting their wealth, when you have NOTHING, anything you have is a gift.  I never ever EVER take that for granted.  I've been on both sides, and I rather like having my comforts taken care of today.  I'm not going to act like I would look forward to having nothing again, but if I had to, I hope I would carry this attitude of THIS TOO SHALL PASS even though it all fucking sucks and I AM TERRIFIED into the next chapter.  Hell this having twins nonsense scares the shit out of us and we don't know how we're going to to do it, but we will some how some way.  And it's all going to be OK. 

None of us know what is next.  None of us can control what happens to us in the grand scheme of things.  All we can do is mentally and emotionally be prepared for the shit to hit the fan, and what will we do when it does?  How will we handle it? 

To my friend and to anyone reading this who has lost everything, HOPE is the most important commodity we have have.  The rest WILL follow. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 54 - 11 YEARS SOBER

TODAY I AM 11 YEARS SOBER.

It's a big fucking deal.  I do shout it out.  I do make a big to do out of this every year because even though we only have this one day sober, it adds up and to me, it's worth celebrating.  Way more so than my earth birthday, which came and went without much ado this year, thankfully.  THIS is the shit worth celebrating for me these days. 

When I was in my last of many many detox's and then psych wards years ago (they put me in the psych ward because I was having such severe hallucinations while coming off booze, I needed to be monitored for that shit), I walked into an art therapy session (yes, it was as awful and cliche as you see in tv and movies) and the hippy dippy trippy leader of the class, an older lady wearing danskos and a lovely jumper with birds on it, said, "I've been where you are now and I promise you it gets better". 

I looked at her with my weary and doubtful eyes that had no spark of hope and said, "how long have you been sober?" And she just said, "Since I woke up this morning."

I was in no mood for cute little sayings from AA people.  NO MOOD.  And she saw that and said, "11 years, but really, just for today.  That's all any of us have.  I woke up today and said I wouldn't drink and Higher Power willing, I won't."   Hmmmm, hippy dippy trippy sober for 11 years, wonder why she's on my heart today?

That stuck with me as have so many other little interactions through the years.  Both before I got sober, if I remember them, and afterwards.  October 4, 2011.  That is the date that everything changed in such a profound way that when I look back on it now I almost cannot believe that it was me.  But I own it all. I know it was me and I know this is me all these years later continuing to strive for more, for better, for true joy.  Each year has been different.  There have been many phases to my sobriety, some plateaus, some negative spells.  It's not all magically fixed because you get sober.  There is a lot of hard work to do.  And only I am responsible.  I can't blame anyone or anything else for the wreckage I caused.  And I'm still making amends.  And that's ok. 

The magnitude of gratitude I feel for being sober today is the most POWERFUL WEAPON in my arsenal against getting drunk.  Truly.  I see people who aren't grateful for who and what they have and they are miserable.  Why wouldn't they drink?  You have to replace the hole in your soul with something good.  With something enriching.  With something that KEEPS YOU GOING EVERY DAMN DAY whether you feel tip top or not.

I have shitty days, but my worst day sober is always better than my best day drunk.  ALWAYS.  See, that's one of those annoying little sayings that people in AA say and newcomers just want to PUNCH US IN THE G-D FACE.  I still want to punch me in the face when I hear myself saying all this cheesy shit sometimes.  But today I just smile, shake my head, and say, IT IS SO TRUE. 

My little mama sent me a text today saying, "I get you be with you on your anniversary 2 years in a row, honey!" And I know that means the world to her because they lived through it all with me and were integral in me getting sober - I know nothing, and then that first year.

What I know for sure is, every damn day, I made a gratitude list.  It is the MOST IMPORTANT THING I DO EACH DAY.    I am having twins.  And that is supremely important, but if I am not sober and doing what I need to do to stay sober and happy, these babies are SCREWED.  And, I got sober for me first.  These babies and my husband come second.  That sounds harsh, but it's absolutely the truth.  I cannot stay sober for my babies.  I need to stay sober for MYSELF. 

Gratitude List for Today (not in order of importance necessarily, except for number 1, without which I HAVE NOTHING).

1. SOBRIETY.  Just for today.  And ok, for 11 years of continuous, good and strong sobriety.  and of course, the program and people in AA and my Higher Power helping me along.
2. Being alive and not dead.
3. Furries who love us unconditionally.
4. My wonderful husband.
5. My miracle babies, Hall & Oates, growing so healthy in my belly. 
6. Being completely healthy in body, mind and spirit (if I keep doing the hard work).
7. A roof over my head and luxuries I never dreamed of that most in the world don't have.
8. Healthy and delicious food to eat and clean water to drink.
9. A great job that pays me money every day to do a job I mostly enjoy very much - WITH BENEFITS.
10. Friends that are absolutely there for me and get me.

That's my basic list every single day.  And I build from there.  But with a list like that, who can complain about anything?  Not I said the fly. 

So, here's to another year sober, and more than that, another year happy, joyous and free.  Hopefully for all of us.  We strive for this.  We want this.  We can have this.  One day at a time. 



p.s. I've linked a couple posts here, as you can see.  It's like a treasure hunt of sobriety in these links.  I write about my experience, strength and hope A LOT.  In fact, it's all I write about.  I have said before that I believe I was given this second chance at life to reach out and to help other people who are struggling with this.  Or just struggling and need to know they are not alone and that, hey, whatever you've done or been through, chances are, I've been there, done that - if not worse. PLEASE click on the links to get more insight into where I've been and that I know what I'm talking about. 

Two Women, Two Connections

I have had two connections with two different women in the last few days that have stayed with me.

Connection Number 1:

Last Saturday we were at a store and I saw a woman with a double stroller, just like we want, with twins, so I JUMPED ON TOP OF HER AND WRASSLED HER TO THE DEATH AND THE VICTOR GOT THE STROLLER.  I mean, I stopped her and nicely asked, "where did you get that stroller?"

This woman seemed happy to chat, and I asked about her babies and said we were expecting twins and were at 24 weeks.  She said HER BABIES WERE BORN AT 24 WEEKS.  And they were 1 pound each.  My heart about stopped.  I got tears in my eyes as I so often do these days and she was just beaming back at me.  Looking at her two healthy and smiley, yet small babies, I asked, "how are you now?"  She replied, "we are good." With a great big smile of gratitude on her face.  I touched her shoulders and said, "I am so glad to hear that."  I wanted to hug her.  I wanted to wrap her up and tell her I loved her.  Is that weird?  She was radiating gratitude and happiness.  I wanted to hang out with her and follow her around.  SHE IS SOMEONE I WANT TO BE LIKE. 

We parted ways and I just was open jawed awe struck and said to my dear sweet husband, "that would be like us having these babies RIGHT NOW."  And he quietly said, "I know exactly what it means."  We both had a moment of HOLY SHIT, BABIES, YOU STAY IN THERE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE, OK?  And dammit we are so amazingly lucky. 

Connection Number 2:

I went into the doc yesterday and had my glucose testing to see if I have gestational diabetes.  Which means, you fast from the day before and then you have 3 blood tests.  In the middle of them, you drink the sugar water.  ACK!  I also had a check up and flu shot, whooping cough shot, and ultra sounds during this time. 

If you remember, I pass out during the ultra sounds, because with twins when you lay flat on your back the babes cut off the blood flow to your brain for a second or something and anyway, I pass out.  I'm assured this is kind of common, so nothing to freak out about.  Twice during the ultra sounds, which I really like to enjoy, KABLAMMO.  I'm down for the count.  AND, then I like to wake up, sit up and yell, "WAIT, TWINS? You got some splaining to do!" Then comically cross my eyes and fake pass out again.  I'm a big hit over there. 

Actually they are so kind to me and let me lay on my side some times, but they really can't get the images unless I'm on my back, so we do this little PASS OUT, I'M OK, game each time I have an ultra sound now. 

Anyway, as you can imagine after having blood drawn twice, fasting and passing out twice in the last couple hours, by the time I encountered this mommy in the waiting room, I was a bit worse for wear.  She was adorable and said, "are you about ready to eat something?" as she was doing the glucose testing too.  She was 25 weeks along with a singleton, her second baby.  And when I told her I was 24 weeks with twins, she YELLED, "OH MY GAWD YOU ARE TINY FOR HAVING TWINS!"  And I didn't know how to respond.  It wasn't intended as a compliment I don't think.  But I instead changed it back to her saying, "you've done this before?" and she rolled her eyes and complained about how this pregnancy is KICKING HER ASS. 

And then she went on to say, "I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HARD IT MUST BE WITH TWINS".

I just smiled and said, "really, I'm loving every second of it."  I was pretty miserable yesterday morning.  Just ask my husband.  I was out of it, and not feeling the greatest during all the tests, but in that moment it all snapped back to me.  I just said, "we had to go through In Vitro - right across the hall here - and we had no idea we would be so lucky to have it work." 

I went on to tell her our story, how my husband and I have a unique situation and the fact that it worked on our ONE SHOT, is a miracle.  We have babies made of HOPE AND SCIENCE AND LOVE.  And we don't take it for granted for one second as all around us we have reminders of how lucky we are.  Reconciling why this is working for us when so many others are having such a hard time is a whole other struggle I'm dealing with.  WHY US?  I don't have an answer.  My best way to deal with this is to enjoy every moment and not take it for granted for one second.  My gratitude overflows at all times.  Even when I feel like shit. 

When I finished telling her, SHE had tears in her eyes and said, "thank you so much for telling me that.  I feel so much more grateful for what I have hearing your story." And SHE came to ME and laid a hand on my shoulder.  We had a moment. 

It was the circle of love, hope and gratitude.  We have to pass it on.  We all impact each other if we are open to it.  And that impact can be one of positivity and light or of negativity and sucking the joy out of each other.  We are responsible for what we share and what we take on of others sharing. If I weren't sober and able to understand the role we all play for each other, I would have missed out on both of these conections, and so many others that happen every single day if we are open to them.

I leave you with this status I posted on my personal Facebook yesterday, because this is the stuff that I get to experience every day, that many out there never will.  My babies are perfectly healthy right now and every time I think about that, I tear up and I am not ashamed.  The girl baby was so far behind and we weren't sure for the longest time if she would hang in with us, BUT SHE IS, DAMMIT.  She is exactly the same size as the boy and I am profoundly grateful.

"Found out today that it's the little girl who's little tushie is pushing so hard against my belly button. Doesn't that just figure. GIRLS! The boy is being all nice and cooperative in the perfect breech position and the girl is all WOWEEE CHECK ME OUT I CAN PUSH MY MY TUSHIE OUT THIS FAR!"

Things I Love Thursday - Part 53

I get to do a lot of things.  I get to go a lot of places.  I am fortunate enough to get up and out to work every day in a major metropolitan city.  I take public transportation.  I encounter a ton of people on daily basis.  I go to bars, to weddings, to concerts, to shows, just about anything, I feel confident going nowdays.  Hell, I go to family functions.  I may not always like them, but I GO.  You could say I AM A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.

It used to be, I was a girl of myself.  I was too scared and fearful of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING to venture outside of my little world.  Which was too miserable to inflict on others anyway.  And I drank.  I drank to go out in public. I drank to be at home.  I drank to tolerate my miserable self. It gave me courage and made me feel like I could do anything.  It was an absolute crutch.  Real courage is not having any kind of prop to help you walk through life with confidence. 

Before I drank, I always always always felt LESS THAN.  Drinking helped with that.   UNTIL IT DIDN'T. 

And when I stopped drinking I had to learn to do EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.  Because when you drink 24 hours a day for several years, you have to learn to do everything without it.  And that is some scary shit.  I was on meds for anxiety and depression for a long time.  I went off them a bit over a year ago and that has been an adjustment too.  But we are growing, right?  I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life.  The only time I could get out of it was when I drank.  And it was disastrous.  Being sober is terrifying at first. But you walk through it. 

Now, I'm not saying I don't still feel less than.  I do.  But rarely these days.  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is walking around in my own skin like I fucking OWN THE PLACE. 

I used to take great pride in the idea that I didn't need anyone or anything. I was a loner.  A rebel.  Really, it's the opposite that I take pride in now.  I am a part of this world.  I am a part of all of you.  Whether I like it or not sometimes.  But the joy and the gifts I get from choosing to be A PART OF so outweighs the negative. 

Now, this is not to say I'm an extrovert.  I'm a clear introvert.  I prefer being on my own and staying at home to going out most of the time.  I will take doing nothing over doing something almost every single time. 

There is no one and nobody who is more worthy than I am.  And I am no more worthy than anyone else.  PERIOD.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work and praying and working the 12 steps and just saying SCREW YOU NEGATIVE FEELINGS for me to get to this place.  But I can honestly say, I belong in this world today.  I BELONG HERE.    The Promises are coming true in my life.  More and more every damn day I WORK A GOOD PROGRAM. 

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

  -  Y'all know when the word GOD is used in this shit, it means GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING or else I sure as hell couldn't be sober.

If you are part of a 12 step group you are familiar with these great promises.  And, my guess is, you are finding them to be coming true the longer you work your program.  If you are not part of a 12 step program and don't need to be, I hope you have some kind of something that helps you know you are on a path.  A good and loving and positive path. 
  We all need to belong somewhere.  It is a fundamental need as humans.   I had to change my thinking.  I was responsible. It took me a LONG TIME and a lot of heartache to find I belong not only in the rooms of AA, but more importantly, I BELONG IN THE WORLD.  And to think, I almost took myself out of it.  And I know many of you did too.  Or are thinking it's hopeless right now.  IT'S NOT HOPELESS.  Find something to be grateful for and GRAB ONTO THAT SUCKER.  It's the basis for hope.  And you do belong.    YOU SEE ME COMING, YOU KNOW I'M STRUTTING.  That's my motto. 

And, BREATHE

Good Lawdy Loo, things are getting a bit tight around here.  Not just in my ever increasing belly with two spazz dancers in there, but in life.  Every day it seems the pressure increases.

At work, there are approximately 8,385 things I need to get done. Today. This minute.  I feel like I'm losing my shit several times a day lately.  Juggling an incredibly demanding job and also every few moments - oh here it comes again -  OH MY GODS I HAVE TWO BABIES IN MY BELLY AND THEY JUST KEEP GROWING AND THEY ARE GOING TO BE HERE IN LIKE, 5 MINUTES AND WE AREN'T READY AT ALL AND OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes I scream in my head like that. 

I feel like I'm losing it a bit lately.  And yes, I have folks in my life that keep me in check, mainly my dear sweet dumpster husband, who I could not handle any of this without right now, but also, FRIENDS.  Sponsees and other friends who are such a gift to me they really have absolutely no idea how much I value them.  I wish I could make them see.  I wish I could impart that this two sided thing we do in working a program, working an equal sided friendship, helps both of us, every day.  ALL THE TIME. 

Here's part of an email exchange with a very close friend and woman I sort of sponsor in the program and I last night (name left out obviously).  There is a point to this, hang with me here:

Her: "please, do not be grateful for me. I am tired and worn and feel finished. Not really, but, yes. Ya know?  I cannot tell you how you inspire me each day to remain optimistic and alive.
thank you.  so. motherfucking. much.  I love you..."

Katy: "I love you. So motherfucking much. So grateful for you. I am. Can't stop me. Yes I know what you mean about being done. But we keep going. I want to cry and scream a lot lately. Out of control. But I just breathe, meditate, walk, pray how I do, gratitude list, meetings, all the shit we do. We keep going.

Her: "See. It's this shit that just made me set my alarm and promise I'd do what I said I'd do. Fuck! Sometimes I don't like you. But never really. And then, yes, I recall it all. So, this shit gets done...I cannot even grasp what you face each day, babe. I mean that.  This is fucking rough...from start to end. Yes, of course it's worth every single tough second.  It's. still. Tough.  It's fucking IRONMAN tough. You've got balls like nobody I've known. Shit, talk about grateful. It's I for you, yep, me, for you...Thank you."

Katy: "That. Is why I'm so grateful for you. We love each other. Hard. We are both Ironman tough. Thank you for everything. I love it when you say you don't like me."

Her: "Haha. It's when you wouldn't think so..."

Katy "I know. You are one of a kind."

Her: "It's your constant introspect that I respect/love/hate. It's every bad thing I had done by 8 am."

Katy: "You are great right where you are. I promise. And we get better every day if we want. And WE WANT!"

I have a few reasons for sharing this tidbit of goodness:

1. A few years ago I would NEVER have had a girlfriend.  Let alone Sponsees or women in the program who trust me enough to share this fundamental stuff with me.  And no way would I share all this shit with them.  I wasn't worthy of friendship or trust.  I couldn't give and I couldn't receive.
2. I hated my sponsor when I first started working with her 10 some years ago. HATED HER.  And yet, she was everything I wanted to be.  Make sense?  Confident, smart, funny, grateful, solid.  And  yet still able to admit faults and weaknesses and not having all the answers.  Am I becoming like my sponsor who I admire so much?  Gods, I hope so.   
3. I have amazing people in my life today.  I didn't ask for them, but somehow they found me.  And I cannot express how grateful I am for them. 
4. The gift of being able to write like this.  That's all.  It is a gift to me that it just comes out.  I can't even help it any more.

The reality is, I am doing just fine.  I am more healthy than I have a right to be and am doing the right things.  I am feeling so many things right now that I never ever thought I would be lucky enough to feel.  I am feeling babies moving around.  I am feeling loved and taken care of.  I am letting people take care of me and not trying to be Super Woman all the damn time.  I am admitting weakness and when I need help.  This is a new type of thing for me.  Both at work and in life, I am asking for help.  In different ways than I am used to.  We always talk about if you aren't moving forward you are moving backwards, right?

Well, my take is perfection is boring.  Having your shit together all the time is overrated.  The crazed lady with the bugged out eyeballs and belly growing with each huge laugh is way more fun.  And the one who is constantly craving a smoke, but doesn't do it? Yeah.  She's the one I want to hang out with.  She is sure to be fun. 

DDW Guest Post - Life is SOOOOOO Good

Who is luckier than me to get to guest post on Daddy Doin' Work?
Nobody, that's who.  Hope and positivity are the message with him.  You know we love that.  I met Doyin back when he was awesome enough to Guest Post for me in July this year. He brought down the house with his post and I'm so happy he asked me to return the favor. 

Here it is! My all new Guest Post. Life is SOOOO Good.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 50

It's that thing that makes it impossible for me to watch reality TV and laugh at people or think, "I am so much better off than they are."  I'm not.  I often say that the longer I'm sober, the less I know.  And what I mean by that is, I am no one to judge anybody else.  COMPASSION is the Thing I Love this Thursday.

I didn't learn it in church or in school.  I learned HOW TO judge people in those places.   I had to re-learn and train myself based on my own experiences. 

It's not my right to tell others how to be sober, how to parent, how to get pregnant, how to eat, how to dress, how to live or how to die.  I have opinions, I have moments where I am outraged, but it's not my place to put that on other people.  I struggle with this.  I don't eat animals, but I don't put that on other people.  Ever.  And I demand the same in return from people.  Or we have problems. 

I tend to wonder, "how would I react if someone said, did, thought this to or about me?" before I act.  If the answer is not kindly, I try not to do it.  This is new behavior for me, just in the last few years.  And it takes a lot of practice. 

Compassion to me means letting people live their lives and not criticising them for that.  People I meet in real life, on the Internet or just see on TV or read about.  It needs to happen everywhere for me.  And the miracle really is, that it's happening. I feel it.  I feel that compassion even if I don't necessarily understand what this person's life is like or what their choices are about.  Compassion is not agreement.  It is not condoning or even accepting the person's choices and behaviors.  It is simply having the grace and the moment of, THIS IS HOW IT IS FOR THIS PERSON AND MAYBE THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.  Maybe they are having a really hard time and weren't always like this.  We all can understand that, right? 

I find myself CRINGING at pictures on the Internet that just make fun of people.  That somehow say, look at how stupid this person is compared to me.  To us.  That's bullshit.  That is when I unlike people and pages. 

If you were to see pictures of me when I was out of my mind on booze, hell even some pictures of me today when I have on a skirt that is too short or my underwear CLEARLY shows through my clothes, you might think you are better than me.  That's your prerogative, sure, but I can't live that way any longer.  It feels too damn good to have compassion.   

Laughing or criticising the misfortune of others is a lowly lowly sport.  I don't have any tolerance  for that. If you are reading my blog and you are not an addict or alcoholic or a SUPPORTER of us changing our lives, you can leave right now.  I'm taking a stand.   If you want to give me a hard time for not eating animals, goodbye.  We don't have to all agree on everything, but we need to respect each other.

COMPASSION is something that I had to learn.  It didn't come naturally to me.  I had compassion for people who were JUST LIKE ME.  But that was it.  Growing up in a suburb where everyone was just like us made me oblivious to "others".  Then I became "other".  And it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Now, I'm developing this compassion for everyone.  Even if I am completely different from them, it doesn't make them bad and me good.  Compassion is hardest when you need to show it for people you absolutely don't understand or couldn't possibly relate to.  That's the test.  Sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail.  I am working on it.  I want to teach my kids this compassion.  For all.  Not just some.  Not just those we deem worthy.  We are all worthy.  I want my kids to be shown compassion and to show compassion.  That's something I need to lead by example in doing every day.  All the time.

COMPASSION is not always easy.  It's not natural for me.  But it's getting to be more and more so the more I practice. Biting my tongue in some cases and jumping into other cases is how I'm learning we can all do better and be better for ALL OF US.  We all exist together.  We just do.  We can make it more difficult or we can make it more loving.  Today I choose more loving and more COMPASSION.  What do you choose?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 49

I met up with a couple college girlfriends last night that I hadn't seen since we graduated in 1995.   Well, that's not true, one of the girls SAW ME at a Fiona Apple concert years ago out of my fucking mind on booze and I have no memory of it.  She emailed me on Facebook a couple years ago and asked if that was me, I said, yes, that sounds like me and I was at the concert.  Not that I remember it. 

In the neighborhood of Andersonville in Chicago, there is this glorious contraption of entertainment, the Puppet Bike. 

Anyway, I got there early and was sitting outside watching the Puppet Bike when this dude sat down next to me with a duffel bag and gym shoes with no laces.  I know this look.  It's the homeless look OR the look of someone on a psych ward who has had all their laces and belts stripped so they don't try to off themselves.  I have lived both situations.  Anyway, this dude sat there for a minute and pulled out a HUGE hard cover Dictionary and proceeded to read it.  Upside down.  I know this story.  I have lived this story.  I so vividly remember sitting on park benches trying desperately to act normal to appear normal to BE normal while I was casing the people walking around me to see if I could get any cash or favors from them. 

This is the conversation:

Him: "I was going to ask you if you had a smoke but I see you are pregnant." 
My tears welled up as I answered, "I quit smoking right before I got pregnant, so I'm sorry I don't have one for you."
Him: "So you really did smoke?"
Me: "Yeah, I did a lot of things.  I'm a recovering drunk."
JHim: "You sure don't look like one."
Me:  "I've been where you are.   Are you OK?"
Him: "I'm OK, I just wish I had a smoke right now."
Me: "Well I hope to see you at an AA meeting some time.  They are all over the place, there's one right down the street here.  My name is Katy."  And I offered my hand in greeting, which he did not take.
Him: "Uh huh, hi Katy, good luck with your baby."
And off he goes.

Every time I have an encounter like this, I am terrified.  I look at my life today and know I am ONE DRINK away from that man last night.  I don't push AA, I offer it and suggest it and say, this is what I do and it works for me.  I hope it works for you too.  I can't NOT reach out to people.  It makes my husband nervous, but I'm a smart cookie.  I don't take a lot of risks, but I will risk helping someone if I can. 

One of the reasons I loved smoking, and there are many, is that it was a chance to strike up conversations.  Smoking can be a very social thing and there is not an opportunity for that if you aren't in a group with the smokers any longer.  Sure, conversations can happen anywhere, but the smoker conversation is something unique.  You know what I'm talking about.  I miss it. 

I went on to meet my girlfriends for dinner and we were transported back to being 19 and 20 years old and clueless but now with perspective appreciating the shit we went through.  We had each other's backs then and it feels like we do now too - in a very different but lovely way that only people with shared history can have.  We went through a very fucked up Theatre/Acting school for 4 years, and we have a bond because of that.  We laughed a lot and all realize that we were together during a moment in time where we were young and naive and yet thought we knew everything.  We didn't know shit. 

I didn't tell them this story of my conversation with the gentleman wanting a smoke because while he is my people, he is not everybody's people.  He is lost, he is pushed aside by society, but mostly by himself.  He's not lost to me.  Nobody is lost.  They just have to make the choice to start being found. 

The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING FOUND.  By old friends who appreciate you for exactly who you are and all you've been through and for a lost soul BEING FOUND by sheer grace. 

It Just Gets Better and Better

Here's what I know.  I once was lost and now I am found.  I was once a recluse, a non-human being feeling doing, and now I am a functioning, respected contributor to society.  But more than that, I am happy.  Daddy Doin' Work did a post on "Achieving Happy" today.  He speaks about the change in his life and what made him realize just how good everything in life is and that he best get to appreciating and making the most of it.  LOVE THAT. 

When you have hit a bottom in your life, any kind of bottom, be it emotional, financial, physical, addiction - IT CHANGES YOU. 

The show INTERVENTION is new again.  I've watched every episode since it started airing.  I find it to be therapeutic in that it takes me RIGHT BACK to where I was 11 years ago.  Which is homeless, hopeless, penniless, drunk, blacked out, without any kind of hope or grace or glimmer of happiness.  I sit and cry and shake the entire episode.  For the families, who are just as sick in their own way as the user.  I cry for who I was and what I inflicted on people who loved me and tried so hard to help me.  And then I'm grateful.  I am so grateful and it makes me want to do more, be more, help more who need help, who WANT help. 

I've been on both sides of interventions.  I've been the irate bitchy selfish scared drunk who runs out of the room yelling and swearing and pushing everyone away.  I've also been the one sitting there hoping to get someone to their bottom before they reach it on their own.  There is no right or wrong way to do this.  To reach a bottom. 

Mine came about 11 years ago, on October 4, 2001.  You know this story.  I was in jail for public intoxication and fighting (YES, ME, FIGHTING - that tells you how different I was when I was drinking).  I felt a moment of something.  I didn't know what it was.  It felt like a spark, a glimmer, a tiny minute moment of what I call grace.  To me grace means a reprieve from the awfulness that had previously been my entire existence. 

If you have hit a bottom of any kind, you know what I am talking about.  No one can make you really hit that bottom but yourself.  Your friends and family try and try and sometimes the consequences work, sometimes they don't.  For me they did, I lost EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.  And yet, I was still drinking.  BECAUSE I WAS SICK. 

I hallucinated if I didn't drink.  I had seizures if I didn't drink.  I had delirium tremens if I didn't drink.  I was the most pathetic, sad creature you would ever encounter.  And, yet, I am so very grateful for every single thing that hit me, that I put myself through.  It WAS NOT POSSIBLE for me to go a couple hours without drinking.  During the day, during the night, I HAD TO DRINK.  And yet now, somehow, miraculously, through working a good program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am not drinking.  And not just that, I am happy, joyous and free. 

This hitting bottom changed me.  I wouldn't change any of it.  Not one thing.  It has made me who I am.  It has made me this person who is hard and soft at the same time.  It has granted me compassion and grace.  It has given me perspective on other people struggling and ability to listen and to try and help.  THIS is all what has made me HAPPY. 

Hippy Dippy guide to happiness.  I need simple guidance and this works.  photo by www.happinessinyourlife.com

Hope, Happiness and Grace are three qualities I want to exude.  I am agnostic, which to me means I believe in something bigger than me, of course, as my ego is not that big to believe nothing else exists, but I don't have a definition of what that is - and I don't need to.  I've had my spiritual journey that's led me everywhere, and I am at a great place today believing I have a Higher Power, but I don't need to tell you all about it.  It's personal.  Just like yours is personal. 

I don't have to try very hard as they were gifts given to me.  I just want to keep that circle going.  I never take one second of my life for granted.  NOT ONE SECOND.  I believe the reason I am here is to share what I was given and keep being grateful.  I don't know shit about a lot of things.  I know A LOT about being a drunk and getting and staying sober.  That is the highest calling I could ever hope to achieve.  I just hope I keep doing the next right thing to stay sober.  I choose today not to drink.  I hope I wake up tomorrow and do the same thing. 

I am here to be a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a good employee, an aunt, a friend, but MOST OF ALL I am here to carry the message of sobriety.  And how very good life is on the other side of Hell.  Happiness is a by product of living well and of living right.  I want to keep what I have and add to it.  So I choose to keep working at this thing called sobriety.  One day at a time.  With all of you.