I feel like I'm losing it a bit lately. And yes, I have folks in my life that keep me in check, mainly my dear sweet dumpster husband, who I could not handle any of this without right now, but also, FRIENDS. Sponsees and other friends who are such a gift to me they really have absolutely no idea how much I value them. I wish I could make them see. I wish I could impart that this two sided thing we do in working a program, working an equal sided friendship, helps both of us, every day. ALL THE TIME.
Here's part of an email exchange with a very close friend and woman I sort of sponsor in the program and I last night (name left out obviously). There is a point to this, hang with me here:
Her: "please, do not be grateful for me. I am tired and worn and feel finished. Not really, but, yes. Ya know? I cannot tell you how you inspire me each day to remain optimistic and alive.
thank you. so. motherfucking. much. I love you..."
Katy: "I love you. So motherfucking much. So grateful for you. I am. Can't stop me. Yes I know what you mean about being done. But we keep going. I want to cry and scream a lot lately. Out of control. But I just breathe, meditate, walk, pray how I do, gratitude list, meetings, all the shit we do. We keep going.
Her: "See. It's this shit that just made me set my alarm and promise I'd do what I said I'd do. Fuck! Sometimes I don't like you. But never really. And then, yes, I recall it all. So, this shit gets done...I cannot even grasp what you face each day, babe. I mean that. This is fucking rough...from start to end. Yes, of course it's worth every single tough second. It's. still. Tough. It's fucking IRONMAN tough. You've got balls like nobody I've known. Shit, talk about grateful. It's I for you, yep, me, for you...Thank you."
Katy: "That. Is why I'm so grateful for you. We love each other. Hard. We are both Ironman tough. Thank you for everything. I love it when you say you don't like me."
Her: "Haha. It's when you wouldn't think so..."
Katy "I know. You are one of a kind."
Her: "It's your constant introspect that I respect/love/hate. It's every bad thing I had done by 8 am."I have a few reasons for sharing this tidbit of goodness:
Katy: "You are great right where you are. I promise. And we get better every day if we want. And WE WANT!"
- A few years ago I would NEVER have had a girlfriend. Let alone Sponsees or women in the program who trust me enough to share this fundamental stuff with me. And no way would I share all this shit with them. I wasn't worthy of friendship or trust. I couldn't give and I couldn't receive.
- I hated my sponsor when I first started working with her 10 some years ago. HATED HER. And yet, she was everything I wanted to be. Make sense? Confident, smart, funny, grateful, solid. And yet still able to admit faults and weaknesses and not having all the answers. Am I becoming like my sponsor who I admire so much? Gods, I hope so.
- I have amazing people in my life today. I didn't ask for them, but somehow they found me. And I cannot express how grateful I am for them.
- The gift of being able to write like this. That's all. It is a gift to me that it just comes out. I can't even help it any more.
Well, my take is perfection is boring. Having your shit together all the time is overrated. The crazed lady with the bugged out eyeballs and belly growing with each huge laugh is way more fun. And the one who is constantly craving a smoke, but doesn't do it? Yeah. She's the one I want to hang out with. She is sure to be fun.
Do those heart thingies work on bloggy blogs? Because this shit right here gives me many, many hearts on. I thought cigarettes were the devil. Turns out, it's walking lunges.ReplyDelete
You are great! So neat to see you going through such a miracle in life..seeing that you struggle on the inside but every single day on the outside you look like everything is so darn easy! That's PERFECTION..and definitely not the easy kind! You rock..no doubt about it :)ReplyDelete
I can never tell you enough how much I love you. I'm so happy you are where you are at right now. I am so happy we came into each other's lives. You inspire all the time. Even those who don't go thru exactly what you have...there's other's of us who go thru other things. We need inspiration. We all need to be continually inspired...even the inspirational need to be inspired. I know I always tell you this, but for a reason: keep doing what you do. Why? Because what you do is awesome. Even when YOU don't feel like it is...many of us see it as such. So...once again...I just love you. I do. Sending you muchly love & hugs & stuff. *MUWAH*ReplyDelete
I love this...& you, as always. I also love what AM Erica said..."Even the inspirational need to be inspired." So. Very. True.ReplyDelete
I think sometimes some of us have this false expectation that as a quasi spokesperson, ring-leader, super cool inspirational chick you're never supposed to have a bad/sad time. I, for one, am grateful that when you do, you're not afraid to share THAT, too. You unselfishly give us ALL of you. It helps so much to see that you're NOT perfect, nor do you claim to be. And it's OK to NOT be perfect. And as one of your MANY devoted followers, I know I love you no less when you're struggling than I do when everything is sunshine & roses! You rock my world, Katy! Thank you so much...just for being you. Funny, GENUINE, imperfect YOU! Many hugs & much love to you!
~Krista Keeta Kat Martin
I'm just getting in here after a friend sent me your link, and thank God she did. Needed to read this today. Thought I was losing my shit several times today, wanted to quit, but no its not an option kind of fucking day. I get the love/hate/admire/inspire/hate/HATE thing....hahaha Its what keeps our checks and balances - balanced. Normal is a setting on a washing machine. At least when I admit I'm having a crazed day, I know I'm no different than anyone else and hopefully I'll have this shit too. Congrats on the babies, on sobriety, or being where you are today. Life is a bitch and it takes an even bigger one to rise up and say, "come on, no matter what you throw at me, I may cry, I may dodge and weave, and have to wear a ton of bandaids but I got this." XOXOReplyDelete
Love this!! LOVE YOU!! You are crazy and wonderful and it's absolutely infectious!!ReplyDelete
You are such an inspiration! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!ReplyDelete
Admitting weakness and asking for help will do ou well with your babies. I don't say that to scare you but to encourage you that you already have begun practicing what is new to so many. (PS -I'm a b/g twin mom friend of Wong's and happy you're joining our unofficial club)ReplyDelete
To celebrate your soberthday I'm scrolling through some posts that I missed. I love them all, but, as you will soon find out, it gets a little crazy with two little ones running around! I love what you said about people who have their shit together! For the longest time I wanted to be one, and then I realized I like it over here in crazy town! I would hate to try to be something I'm not everyday, and besides, there is great company over here : )ReplyDelete
:) breathing is great advice. How are you not a yogi?ReplyDelete
Finally someone who understands how it feels to crave a cigrette! Im 5 months prego n quit as soon as i found out but lordy was it hard!ReplyDelete