Do You "Woo"?

I am not, by nature, a "woo-er".  You see, in THE HOUSE OF PAIN (the stationary bike spinning class I take), we "WOO".  Because our teacher is awesome and gets us freaking pumped up and we "woo".  As I said, I am NOT, by nature, a "woo-er".

This is a picture from last year's Cycle for Survival event, but it's the only picture I have of me spinning, so, "Woo"!

But last night, at the gym, I "woo-ed".  I "woo-ed" loudly and I "woo-ed" softly; I "woo-ed" solo and I "woo-ed" with the group and I EVEN "woo-ed" on command, which is something I don't do - like - ever.  DO SOMETHING I AM TOLD TO DO, ON COMMAND?  Um, no.  I am WAY TOO COOL for that shit. 

I first wrote about my gym experience a while ago here - please take a minute to read, it's quick and funny and gives background to where we are today.

Now, I am not a person who loves exercise.  I hate it.  If left to my own devices I will pick couch time over physical exertion every damn time.  Just like drinking and smoking are in my nature, sloth is in my nature as well.  By all accounts, I SHOULD be drinking and smoking right now, BUT I AM NOT.   Because we CAN change our behaviors if we work at it.

Last night I didn't WANT to go to spinning necessarily, but I went.  I pumped and fed babies before I left and strapped the girls in with my most powerful sports bra, and I jumped on the train and I left.  AND I WAS SCARED.  Because I am scared of everything.  But I walk through the fear today.  I haven't been spinning in months and months.  I was pregnant you know, I am not sure if you heard.  I kept up my gym membership the whole time because I KNEW I WOULD BE BACK.  I wasn't spinning for a long time.  And this HOUSE OF PAIN is a bitch.  It ain't a leisurely bike ride round the park if you catch my drift.  You are up and down and back and forth and killing yourself for 50 minutes in there and it HURTS.  But dammit if I didn't do the whole class and do it hard even though my instructor said, "Katy just had twins so she's the only one exempt from jumping in and out of the saddle!".....I did it anyway. 

Because I'm stubborn and needed to prove to myself that I could do it after all this time.  You see, a couple years ago, I weighed almost 200 pounds and lost a lot of weight through changing my diet and exercise.  Spinning was a big part of that.  I wanted to get in shape BEFORE I got pregnant, if I ever were to be lucky enough to be pregnant, so that I could bounce back into shape after having a baby or two. 

That's what I did.  I now have about 15 pounds to lose before I'm back at pre-baby weight and spinning is going to help me get there.  It's pure vanity but also health reasons that I do this.  I am almost 40 and I JUST HAD TWINS.  What in the sam hill was I thinking?  Oh girl, I'm gonna be around to be with these babies and I'm going to be healthy.  This clean living IS FOR SUCKERS.  And I am a sucker for sure.  A happy one.  A by product of clean living is looking kinda hot.  And yes, I want that.  No lie. 

So, there are several things at play here.  I just had babies and I feel a bit down about myself sometimes.  What I would do if I live purely by what's in my nature, I would drink and smoke and not work and not take responsibility and self destruct because I don't like myself very much at that moment - not believing that the moment would pass.  BUT, if I practice new behaviors and believe that the moment will pass, I take responsibility and work my program and eat right and resist that smoke and drink and exercise a bit, I get ALL THE THINGS!  I get the life beyond my wildest dreams. I get the mental and emotional and physical bliss that comes with working hard to be healthy.  We always say, it ain't easy, but it is so worth it.  I don't want to do any of these healthy things by nature.  I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT.  But I do.  Because it is the best thing for me and for my family.

It was the first time in over a year, that I felt like my body BELONGED TO ME.  Not to science and not to babies and not to my demons.  And if that sounds selfish, then yes, I'm selfish.  I needed that feeling.  I desperately needed to feel connected to my body and in that way to my soul as a woman who has her own needs and wants and feelings without being attached to another being.

Today, I am a drunk who is not drinking, a smoker who is not smoking and a sloth-like creature who is practicing moving around more.  It's that simple.  One day at a time, we can change our behaviors.  AND WE CAN BE AWESOME TODAY!

Can I get a WOO!?

WOO!

Secrets Can be Funny - Even the Dark Ones

There are all these feelings.  The DARK FEELINGS that nobody wants you to talk about.

I am fairly confident in saying that every new mom who stays home with newborns has these feelings.  And multiply that by two, and you have this dark dark shit that you feel guilty about feeling.  GUESS WHAT?  I'm talking about it.  I'm alone.  This is about the loneliest I've ever felt, save for being a hopeless drunk.  It's completely different, mind you, but it's lonely nonetheless.  I'm on my own here during the day with two little beings, who while incredibly cute do nothing but SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME.  Literally and metaphorically.  My bewbies are drained and pumped so hard, they are pretty much indented.  While yes, we are incredibly grateful for these two precious gifts, CHRIST ON A BICYCLE they are exhausting and soul sucking. 

They are also soul affirming when they smile or do something funny, like fartcrying - which is just what it sounds like.  Fart-cry Fart-cry Fart-cry.  It's HILARIOUS.  You know, when a baby does it.  Not adults so much. Have some pride.  My dear sweet dumpster husband coined this term, HASHTAG FARTCRY (#fartcry).  Let's make it rain on Twitter, y'all. 

There's a lot of crying in the Dumpster House lately.  Babies and Mommy cry.  Sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately while mommy is in the shower she cries.  AND GUESS WHAT?  That is perfectly ok!  We all gotta get that shit out! 

I'm using online AA Meetings like they are a fucking life jacket right now.  A LIFE JACKET.  AA and meetings keep me sane.  Keep me sober.  Keep me connected.  I need that now more than ever.  I'm connected with other moms.  Other multiple moms.  And it helps.  It really does, HOWEVER.......

Sure you say, hey Katy, you are going out and having visitors and a wonderful family and support system and have a fantastic completely wonderful husband, so doesn't that help with the loneliness?  Well, of COURSE it does.  But you know what we drunks need?  OTHER DRUNKS.  I am saying all this here and I trust that you all will relate and not judge me.  That is what I do with other drunks.  They get it.  They get the deep dark loneliness that we can feel sometimes.  We are able to climb back out together if we acknowledge ALL THE FEELINGS.

Finding people we connect with is critical.  Drunks or not.  People we trust and that will have our backs when we call crying or write a text that says something like, "HOLY SHIT THESE BABIES ARE BEING ASSHOLES TODAY" and not think you aren't so fucking grateful for them is CRITICAL. 

There are more feelings now than I've ever had in my life.  And they are good and bad and don't have to define me or what I'm going through.  It's simply admitting that they are there and getting them out in the open and dealing with them that lessen their power.  I am NOT ALONE.  You are not alone. 

These two don't have any secrets.  Everything they feel is right out in the open.  I'm kind of jealous.

"Don't tell Mommy, but let's demand simultaneous feedings every time today!  That will make her lose her shit!  No rest for the weary, and GO!"

Here's the thing.  In the end, if we can laugh at ourselves and have people in our lives who we open up to that MAKE US LAUGH about all this, it can save us on a daily basis.  It's all so minute, it's all so small, my world right now.  It's babies.  Every day, all day.  AND THAT IS ISOLATING.  I have to keep connected or I'm done for.  This is the shit that keeps me sober and laughing and grateful every damn day.   

Thank YOU for reading and sharing and helping me every damn day.  I hope I'm doing the same for you. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 64

There really is so much I love this Thursday and every Thursday that it's hard to narrow it down to one thing.  But 64 times now, I have.  And I feel like I can keep this going forever.  Let's hope so!

Today it's kind of random thoughts on this here blog and funny shit about babies.  Cuz, you know, that is where I am right now in my life, and this blog is all about what's in my head and heart right at this moment.
  
I understand that reading my posts and my blog may be difficult for those who are struggling with trying to have or adopt a child.  I am constantly aware of how this feels because I was there too.  I want you to know that I never take any of this for granted and I know every second how very lucky we are. I do my own version of praying and sending love and light and hope and gratitude out to the universe for me and for you many many times a day.  I hope with all my heart you find happiness and gratitude for where you are in life and for what you have.  I get the most notes from people about sobriety and the struggle to get it and keep it, or for trying to create or add to your family.  For those notes, I am so grateful, and I believe in you.  

SOBRIETY and my journey to create a family are the two things I blog and talk about the most.  It's what this blog is about and I am so grateful you take the time to share and read it.

This is the status I posted yesterday on the Facebook Page -

"Good morning lovely capable dependable and full of hope Divers! Did we all make it through yesterday? We did! Today is another day to do better and be better. And to learn way more about being a good mama. Sobriety and motherhood are what I was meant to practice. And they go hand in hand. This is the best gig ever. Have a great day, everybody! *blowing you kisses*"

This is so true and if you regularly read my blog you know I am so grateful to be sober and ONLY BECAUSE I AM SOBER do I get to be a mama and do I get to be gifted with these babies. And the fact that all of you share in this journey with me just makes it so much more fun and also makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger and more profound than just sitting in our apartment every day with these two little ones and KEEPING THEM ALIVE.  Oh my gods, HOW AM I KEEPING THEM ALIVE?  

But more than that is the idea that every day, I WILL FAIL.  I will fail at life, as I always have, as you always have, but the difference is today we can learn from it and hopefully not keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and over and expecting different results.  This is becoming especially clear right now as I messily and sometimes desperately flail around trying to be a good mama to these two little squishy beings that are entirely in my dear sweet dumpster husband's and my care.  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FEED TWO BABIES THAT ARE 17 DAYS OLD AT THE SAME TIME?  Holy shite, will that humble your cocky arse but quick. 

And man, DO I EVER FLAIL (think Kermit arms flailing about and that's kinda how I look several times a day right now). 

Here are my immediate gripes:

1. These babies STILL cannot make a decent cup of coffee.
2. They are so damn cute.  I mean really, tone it down a bit.
3. They don't know how to give me a proper manicure, and gods forbid, if I paint my nails myself, they inevitably cry and I mess up my nails trying to calm them down.
4. They smell really really delicious.
5. THEY ARE HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME.
6. I AM HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME. 
7. They exhibit shoddy workmanship when I force them to put together all the furniture we keep getting from IKEA.  Lazy, really.
8. Bewbies.
9. They are only 6 to 7 pounds and sometimes they absolutely terrify us way more than a huge hulking menacing terrifying awful bad bad man.
10. They can't seem to focus on things I want them to really focus on.  Like noticing and commenting on how cute I look today.  I mean, I wore this dress for you, babies.
11. OH MY GODS MY BEWBIES ARE SO FULL OF WHITE STUFF.
12. These babies are pretty poopy.  You understand.  POOPY ALL THE TIME!
13. I get to practice baby juggling with two babies and feeding both at once.  This terrifies and excites me all at once.  It's like the ultimate test of determination and hope at the same time. 
14. DID I MENTION MY BEWBIES?
15. They really are a great way to lose weight.  I've lost almost 40 pounds now of the 55 I gained while pregnant.  Now if I can just get this c-section business to heal I can get back to spinning!  WOOT WOOT!  Stupid c-section.  

I'll close with this.  The Thing I really Love this Thursday is this - I love that we can joke about babies and bewbies and also sobriety - the serious yet very funny with perspective - stuff in life.  It's really the only way we can get through all this stuff every day without crawling in the corner and going fetal like a - you guessed it - LIKE A BABY.  Laughter is good.  Not taking things so seriously is good.  When I drank it was serious.  I drank to escape the seriousness of life and my desperate unhappiness and hopelessness.  There is no need for that today.  Today we celebrate the funny and the awesome.  For that, I am so grateful.  That, and, babies are pretty squishy and I love that too.  Flailing and squishy go quite well together.  

Gratuitous Hall & Oates and Sally Boy shot.

  

HOW IS THERE SO MUCH MILK IN THERE?

Well we did it.  The delivery was way harder than we were thinking it would be (BIG SHOCK, HUGE) as I wasn't dilated at all and they had to put a FREAKING BALLOON MY HOOHA and 6 hours later I was kinda dilated.  So we pushed.  For THREE HOURS we pushed.  And THEN the doctor said, this isn't happening and we are at risk here, so we need to do a C-section.  We were bummed.  And then I was so drugged up I was kind of hysterical and having a panic attack but then we heard the cry.  The first cry from the boy came out (at 6.2 pounds) and then right afterwards the girl (at 5.3 pounds).  And while I don't remember much from those first few hours -  frankly I had the shakes that so vividly recalled detoxing and delirium tremens which TERRIFIED ME more than anything else -  it was simultaneously the worst day and the best day of my life. 

The babies were born.  And now we are all home after 4 days in the hospital.  I am still in pain, but I am healing well and my dear sweet dumpster husband has been so much more than incredible I cannot put into words what the last week has truly been like.

You know, I was the first woman to ever be pregnant and now I am the first woman to ever have a birth story and to fall in love with her babies.  I know, I know.  I'm very unique in that all these feelings are happening.  I'm laughing and crying a lot.  There are so many emotions.  But you know what?  I am FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  And they aren't all pretty or rational - that's why they are FEELINGS - because feelings are not fact, but I'm so grateful to feel them ALL.  Most of them are chock full o'love and gratitude.  Some are overwhelming and scary.  But that's the way this all goes.

My scar hurts and bewbies are so sore, but what an amazing experience.  These babies are letting us sleep quite a bit and actually they are into a routine already that is giving us ample time to just enjoy them and still get some other stuff done.  Mostly though, we are just loving this time with them. 

Here are some random thoughts that need to be shared -

• HOW IS THERE SO MUCH MILK IN THERE?   You know what I'm talking about.
• I have lost 30 pounds out of 55 that I gained.  In one week.  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?  Best diet ever.  Just get knocked up with twins and give birth.  KABLAMMO.
• My maternity clothes are all packed up and in storage ready to be passed onto the next lady I know who gets to be fashionable and pregnant.  Mostly I wore my regular clothes and we shall see how totally stretched out they got from MY HUGE BELLY.

I leave you with this gem from my dear sweet dumpster husband.  I think the 2nd or 3rd night in the hospital (the babies and husband stay with the mama all the time in my room) at 2am or something, he says, "Parents of single babies?  PUSSIES."  Man, we needed that laugh at that time.

Also, after all the nonsense of a day and half of ballooning and labor and c-sections, he says, "I've seen some things."  And indeed he had.  We both had.  But we are so grateful to be here and with these babies.  WE HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT.  And we are excited to see a whole lot more.

Calling ALL Big Babies! Big Babies, Party of One, Please Report Here!

GODS DAMMIT THIS SUCKS!

I've been sick since last Thursday, meaning, ears and throat mostly, like freaking GINZU KNIVES CUTTING CLEAN THROUGH RC CANS sick, and it will NOT GO AWAY.  Add all that onto being 35 weeks preggo with twins, and you've got yourself a BIG HUGE BABY.   Meaning, Moi. 

I can't really take much in the way of meds as SURPRISE!!!!  I'm pregnant.   So, it's suffer like a big giant hero suffers or cut my own head off. 

And believe me, the cutting my own head off is tempting.

I went to the ER yesterday as my nurse practitioner said to, in order to get some relief, probably antibiotics, as it hadn't gotten better for decades.  I mean, days.

As I sat in the waiting room with all the really sickly sick dying and decaying and pathetic sounds and smells of an ER (and that was all just coming from me), I thought, JESUS CHRIST SUCK IT UP IT CANNOT BE THAT BAD.

And yet every time I swallow, I start crying.  It is THAT BAD.  But still, no fever, no strep (they confirmed it) and no flu, or anything else tangible they can put their fingers on.

And the worst part for someone like me, who loves to hear the sound of her own Chicago accent is I LOST MY FREAKING VOICE TWO DAYS AGO.  So I can't talk.  Period. I had to whisper everything at the ER and they all looked at me like I was nuts, even more so when I said in my loudest whisper yell, "ISN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?"

And they sweetly smile and say, "no, you just have to wait this one out, you'll get better soon."

Well, let me tell you that screamwhispering "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS"  loses a bit of its menacing quality when screamed as a whisper. Not that I would know this.  Or anything like that, I just happened to dream about it while I was in the ER for four hours yesterday where the only real thing they did was a throat culture.  Misplaced anger anyone?

I even got all dramatic saying, "it's endangering my babies as I can't swallow and I've lost weight." and they said, "well, just make sure you hydrate and take your vitamins and drink Ensure and keep eating soft foods." (see disclaimer at the end please)

I then got really desperate and threw myself on the floor grabbing at scrub pant legs and doctor coats with wild abandon screaming, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE WORST PAIN THAT ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO ENDURE EVER!"  To which they all replied, "name and birth date please?"

And so it goes.  And I keep playing out this tape in my head, "Katy, listen you selfish immature big huge baby, there is REAL suffering going on in the world, GET OVER IT."  But then I swallow and the tears come and it's onward with the same cycle.  Plus, every time I try to sleep I cough so hard I think I see babies shooting across the room, and that is not helping.

Today, I am choosing to stop with the whining and choosing hope that this has GOT to get better.  I want to be at my absolute best when I go into labor.  Can I also just say that my Dear Sweet Dumpster Husband has been so  incredible I cannot even begin to tell you.  Cooking and cleaning and shopping and making sure I have what I need at all times?  HE IS THE SUPER HERO.



And I've been offline for the bulk of the last week, due to the I'M DYING party of one nonsense, which it turns out was a good thing.  So much sadness and heartache and devastation and then everybody putting their two cents in about the whole damn thing.  I don't have to put my opinion out there.  In a way, this sickness has helped me keep my big fucking mouth silent - really and truly - and that is a gift.  See?  We can turn anything into a bright side if we try hard enough.

I leave you with one of my favs, and one of yours too I'm sure.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It always does.  The good and the bad.   

DISCLAIMER before anybody gives me shit, the babies are absolutely fine.  They were checked and rechecked and we go back again tomorrow.  These babes are like royalty, I swear.  This post is for the FUNNY.  So please, if you are about to lecture me about shit, turn it inward, m'kay?  thanksverymuch.  And just the fact that I wanted to write is a good indicator that I'm feeling better, so, little jumpy "YAAAY" with tiny little sad pom poms.

THERE'S NO TIME!



34 and a half weeks and OHMYGODS 34 and a half weeks! 
Don't worry - these pictures are almost done and you'll never have to see another one!
But until then, KABLAMMO.

You know what I always find disconcerting is that you know these women, family or friends or co-workers and one day they are enormously pregnant and you KNOW they are pregnant and going to have a baby or babies and yet, when one day they are huge and the next day they just HAVE A BABY and then they aren't that person that is pregnant any more. 

It's likely my teeny tiny brain that always has a hard time reconciling this, but it still seems so sudden. And this time, I AM THE WOMAN.  9 months seems like a long time in some ways and in other ways, like the blink of an eye and you JUST SAW THAT WOMAN AND SHE NOW IS A MAMA HOLDING BABIES AND OH MY GODS HER LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

As I've stated before, I am the first woman to ever be pregnant and feel these strange feelings, so bear with me.  It's revolutionary, I know.  HOLD ONTO YOUR BONNETS!

I am so ready to have these babies.  Also?  I AM NOT AT ALL READY TO HAVE THESE BABIES.  I'm paralyzed by how much we haven't done to get ready.  We don't have the nursery that people keep asking about (due to the tiny apartment we live in) but we do have ALL THE THINGS FOR BABIES, SO MANY THINGS.  We don't have a plan in place for a nanny and when I go back to work, 5 months after Hall & Oates arrive.  I keep breathing deep and thinking my little mama will be with us for the first few weeks and she knows what she's doing, thank gods.  We don't have it all planned out and I'm freaking out and yet, and yet, I don't do anything to remedy the situation.

My dear sweet dumpster husband and I keep looking at each other and saying to ourselves and to each other, "IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE."  Which is absolutely true.  All we have to do is keep these babies alive and fed and changed and warm and nurtured and growing in a semi healthy way - both physically and mentally - and we'll all be fine.  Simple really.  *shakes head NOOOOO, not at all simple*

My Sponsor from day one kept saying two things to me, "more shall be revealed"  and "all is well".  And while I wanted to punch her in the throat for saying such nonsense, I now understand EXACTLY what she meant.  If I can keep saying these two things to myself in every area of my life, it makes it so much easier.  Try it.  Say it and then just breathe.  See?  I'm not just whistlin' dixie over here. 

There won't be too many more posts here with me enormously pregnant, and I know some of you are thankful for that.  Most of you though have been incredibly supportive and loving and fun to strap in with me and go on this ride.  And as far as the blog goes, "more shall be revealed".....see?  It's true.  It's evolving and it's still going to be sobriety first, babies second.  And everything else in between.  Life, you know?

Pause

I am an asshole.  I have to work at not being an asshole sometimes.  It's gotten so much better than it used to be, but sometimes it still seeps out, like when you fill your teeny tiny coffee mug too full and try to put the to-go top on it and coffee seeps out the side.  And then I cry.  That is my inner asshole seeping out. 

The best trick I've learned since being sober is to PAUSE. 

No matter how badly in my gut I want to respond in anger or in hurt or in tears or in venomous replies, I CAN PAUSE today.  I can yell and scream at an email or a fake person about what I'm angry or hurt about (because anger is usually a cover up for hurt - at least for me), but I do not have to respond immediately. 

I've written about this before, and due to my fiery Irish temper, it doesn't ever truly go away.  You know in the 12 step program we have what are called Character Defects, and a big part of working a good program is to get rid of these defects.  But the funny thing is, they are some of our favorite things.  I love my anger.  I love my passion.  I love my fight for the underdog no matter the cost and I don't want to apologize for that. 

But what I don't love is drama and hurt and constant wondering what is going to happen next because of something stupid that I did or said that I know I will regret almost immediately.

How often do I respond in anger or hurt and regret it?  Almost every damn time.  How often do I pause and reflect and bounce things off other people and NOT respond in anger and hurt and regret it?  NEVER. IT NEVER HAPPENS.  I pick my battles, make no mistake.  When there is something to fight, I will fight it, just not in the gut reaction way I used to. 

The good news is, I don't do that shit nearly as much as I used to.  And my life is better because of it.

People who constantly have drama in their lives, unfortunately fail to realize that at least some of that drama is their own damn fault.  I used to say, "I hate drama so much!  I don't want drama in my life!"  But then I would turn around and say something that I KNEW DAMN WELL would cause a reaction from someone.  And the cycle continues. 

After I got sober, I thought my life would be so boring that I created my own drama.  Boy did I.  These days, I try so very hard to have an HONEST, normal, quiet, happy, joyous and free existence.  And most of the time, that is exactly what I have.  I don't have to worry what the next email or phone call with be and I can look people in the eyes and take responsibility for my part in things. 

THAT IS A MIRACLE.

I had to apologize to a friend today because I was an asshole and reacted and took something out on her very inappropriately.  It's not right and it's not fair.  And the best part is I can apologize, and she has a choice of saying, "it's OK" or "screw you, you are an asshole."  Luckily for me, she was fine.  And I cried.  But what else is new?

I cannot control other people, or what they say and do to me, BUT I do find that if I am in control of my side of the street, life seems to go a lot more smoothly.  And that is something I never ever thought I would be able to say - that I love this truly drama free life of mine today.  Just like anything worth keeping, though, I must be vigilant.  My inner asshole is just waiting for me to let her jump into action. 

Misery Loves Company?

I've noticed since I've been pregnant many many MANY people WANT me to complain.  It happened before I got pregnant too, because I've been fighting this happiness battle a long time.  But it's happening way more now since I am pregnant.  It's like they cannot wait for me to start whining about how terrible this all is.  Either the pregnancy part of the having two kids coming part.  Well, I hate to disappoint you, but when you work so hard to get pregnant in the first place, you don't really find reason to complain.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  And I know there are many of you out there who feel exactly the same way I do. 

And I don't need to "just wait until.....".  I don't.  If my past is any indication of what my attitude will be, I will choose gratitude.  For all of it.  Even when I'm miserable.  BECAUSE I MAKE THAT CHOICE.   It doesn't mean I'm delusional or in denial.  It simply means, I've been through shit.  And I can see so much good in every day little stuff that so many take for granted.  There are those among us who celebrate normalcy and even going through pains of something like being pregnant, I am thankful for every little ache and pain and don't take it lightly at all. 

We paid a lot of money and I had one of the worst, darkest periods of my life with In Vitro.  Why the hell would we do all that only to complain about being pregnant and then about having kids? 

I guess it's interesting to me that people so badly want me to be miserable.  Is it really the "misery loves company" thing?  I find it online and in real life, that people say, "how are you feeling?" And I say, "I feel pretty good, I feel lucky that this is a pretty easy pregnancy."  SILENCE.  and then they say, "well just wait, and then they go on to tell me about something TERRIBLE that I will experience with these kids."  Well, yeah.  That's the whole point isn't it?  That doesn't mean I'm not still going to be happy about it at the end of the day. 

I understand some people are bitter.  I understand that some people are not happy in their lives and feel the need to pass along their misery to others, but you know what?  I HAVE A SHIELD AGAINST YOU.

That's right.  This is some Captain America comic book shit right here.  I have a shield against bitterness and negativity and emotional vampirism and I will fight you.  I with fight to not fall victim to your unhappiness.  Because I have been in a hole of unhappiness and I need to defend myself against it. 

I don't mean to say it's all bloody sunshine and roses and that I don't feel extremely uncomfortable and scared and unprepared and all that, but god dammit, we wanted this so badly and we are getting this, and I am more than anything else, SO FUCKING HAPPY and grateful that this is happening. 

So, when you approach me and you have a snarky, snide, bitter comment to make just know, I WILL DEFLECT IT.  I want you to be happy too.  We're not all happy all the damn time, but damn, is life ever good.  I can only control my part of things, and I control that I won't react to negativity if I can at all help it. 

You want to bring me down, YOU WILL HAVE TO TRY HARDER.  Well, no, don't.  I don't really want you to try to bring me down, just as I will only try to build you up.   I want you to be happy, joyous and free.  Not sad and miserable and joyless.  No matter what is going on in my life, even through tears and freak outs, I can find something to be thankful for. 

Then there are the people who are choosing happiness as well.  I love to surround myself with these people.  Even as they go through the shit, they try to find the bright side.  I know, I know, we are annoying as hell, but still we go on and we are hopeful and filled with gratitude.   When you've been through hell on earth, you know that anything else has to be better than that.  And it is.  It really is better.  We all have darkness.  We all experience highs and lows and it's how we deal with those extremes that makes a difference in the long term.

I choose to surround myself with people who want the light and love of happiness.  We fight for it.  We fight for each other.  And that fight can get ugly.  Seems like a paradox - an ugly fight to be happy.  But it is, because it doesn't come naturally to a lot of us.  We have to work at it.  Don't make me start ugly crying, because it's about all I do lately.  And you know what?  I am happy about that.  FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS!  Who wants to put their shield up with me?

Great Expectations for Multiples

We attended our first in a two part series of a class at the hospital yesterday - Great Expectations for Multiples - with the second part next Sunday.

NOW, my question is, why does it have to be GREAT EXPECTATIONS for Multiples?  Why can't it just be, WE ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN TO KEEP OUR SHIT TOGETHER for Multiples?  Or, Christ on a Bicycle, you can have a vaginal birth and THEN a Cesarean on the second baby all in one delivery?  I'm out.  I AM OUT. 

Just kidding, but not really.  NO really, I'm totally kidding, we are SO READY for this.  You know that's the number one thing people ask us right now is, "ARE YOU READY?"  and my answer is always, "No, not even close and how could we be?"

We toured the hospital in stages yesterday on our tour with the multiples group --  about 10 couples all having multiples --  Triage, Operating Room, Delivery, NCIU, and Recovery.  This hospital is like a 5 star hotel except there are a lot of damn crying babies (and crying Katy's) and lots of inappropriate body parts hanging out everywhere. 

I had my second of 4 baby showers on Saturday and cried about 14 times.  Gratitude and fear are my go-to's right now.  I'm either deathly afraid or so damn grateful it moves me to tears.  Sometimes it's both, I AM SO TERRIFIED AND YET SO GRATEFUL to be in this position that I ugly cry several every day about close to nothing.   So, I cried at the shower, which was absolutely lovely, given by my My Lynnie and my favorite, most amazing women were there. 

Here's the thing, we met a younger couple yesterday who are having TRIPLETS.  They had two eggs inserted back in during In Vitro, just like we did, and one of the eggs split again!  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? The odds are less than 1% of that happening and my dear sweet husband and I joked about that happening with us and how freaked out we would be, and yet, this couple was laughing and so happy.  They were completely WIDE EYED but so sweet and so loving to each other, I just know they are going to be just fine.   There was another woman there who was single and pregnant with twins through IVF.  I cannot imagine doing this without a partner, and yet, it takes a village and I hope that woman has a village to make this all work.

The nurse who was leading the class asked, "How many of you have gone on the internet to read about having multiples?" I was proud of all of us, that only a couple raised their hands.  I run away from that shit.  I've read a few books on multiples, and at the last one, my husband told me to stop reading.  And I have and am reading the new Stephen King now instead and feeling much more calm.  The thing about the unknown is it causes fear.  Once we get going, we are going to be just fine.  We will be frazzled and tired and crazy, but at least the speculation will be done. 

That fear I had when I got sober of WHAT WILL MY LIFE BE LIKE WITHOUT DRINKING is gone now because I've lived sober for quite a while and the fear was replaced with how INCREDIBLE life is in sobriety. I imagine that everyone who has kids has that fear and then all of a sudden, you just are a parent and doing the best you can.  It may not be GREAT EXPECTATIONS in CHILD REARING all the damn time, but it's pretty damn good. 

I can honestly say, I've never felt so many emotions in my life as my hormonal self is feeling right now.  Everything is amplified and through tears.  Whether it be happy or sad or scared or confident - and grateful to be confident and feeling good - it manifests in tears.  And that is just fine.  I don't ever want to forget any of this.  This life that I have today and what I'm going through and feeling, as uncomfortable and crazy as it is sometimes, is so much better than I ever dreamed it could be. 

Someone wrote me an email last week saying that "only rich, entitled people get ivf" and that I was "rubbing my pregnancy in the faces of my readers".  Now, rarely do I get really uppity about something someone writes me if it's someone telling me I suck or something, I take it with a grain of salt and try to move on, as I am not for everyone.  But to say that I am rich and entitled is the antithesis of who I am.  And no one knows all the reasons my husband and I did IVF because that is private.  And how we were able to pay for it is private.  We are FAR FROM RICH and we both work our asses off for what we have.  So, this hurt me deeply.  I don't ever want to rub anything in the face of anyone.  ESPECIALLY women who so desperately want a baby.  That is the whole reason I started this blog and page was to connect and talk about my journey.  With sobriety and with finding my child/children - whatever form that takes.  I don't take one second of my life for granted.  The fact that this is happening is beyond my wildest dreams.   And if I am AT ALL coming across as anything other than completely grateful and thrilled to have this be happening, I don't want to be doing it. 

I am pregnant.  With twins.  And while I try not to have EXPECTATIONS, It's pretty damn GREAT.  See what I did there?   

How Lovely to be a Woman

I've got these tights pulled all the way up to my bewbies.  I've got them stretched to their very breaking point.  AND THEY LIKE IT.  They are keeping Hall & Oates tucked in and affording me the luxury of wearing boots and dresses every damn day.  I'm so grateful I am not super hugely preggo in the thick of a Chicago horrible summer.  Fall and Winter are my lifeblood.




27 weeks and 4 days!  All is well.  All is well.


All that said, there's some weird shit going on.  I keep saying, because I am the first and only woman to ever be pregnant, this will all be quite shocking to most of you mama's out there, as I'm sure you never experienced any of this nonsense yourself.  In fact, I wrote a post a while ago about how much I loved NOT BEING PREGNANT and I meant it.  

BUT here we are and Hall & Oates are at 27 weeks along and I keep hearing, are you ready?  OMG ARE YOU READY? to which I answer, "NO WAY.  How could I possibly be ready for all this?"  Because how can you be?  I'm ready for the awesome and I'm ready for the non-sleep crazies, but REALLY, how could we possibly be ready?  We are just doing the best we can to be realistic.  And enjoying every second of it. 

I keep saying, it's all new to me, and there are some things I've noticed, so here we go!

1. We are healthy.  All three of us.  Doing perfectly well, everyone passing every hurdle and test with flying colors.  Except for the mama passing out on the table every time we have an ultra sound.  But that's all fine too.
2. BEWBIES.  My breasteses are big.  They are not hurting like they were during in vitro though, which was unbearable.  This is fine.
3. My belly is HUGE.  And getting bigger EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And I am in love with it.  I'm in love with how I walk up to my dear sweet dumpster husband and he kisses it or just talks to our babies and all  of it.  I just love how huge I am and I've said before, when you've sucked in your gut since you were about 8 years old, at 39 years old to let it out is HUGELY RELIEVING and awesome.  Oh, I bump into everything now, but that's just fine.   I stare at it in the mirror.  I stare at it in the shower.  As I can't really see past it any more, it's really something. 
4. My hair is KICK ASS!  I've never had good hair.  I have good hair while pregnant!
5. There's some burping.  I'm not going to lie.
6. I cut my nails to within bleeding distance, but I do have to do it all the time, so I guess they're growing right? I just keep them short as can be as I like them like that.
7. The sleep thing is tough.  These spazz dancers are waking me up and keeping me awake a lot of nights.  I know, I know, it's just prep for when they arrive, so it's all good.
8. My skin is KICK ASS!
9. Everything is terrifying! 
10. Everything is exciting and new!
11. I've never had heartburn.
12. I've never had hemorrhoids.
13. YET.
14. People look at me really weirdly sometimes and I get a chance to focus them onto my face and smile. 
15. My balance is still KICK ASS!  From 10 years of figure skating?  From wearing heels forever and ever amen?  Whatever it is, I'll take it as long as it lasts.
16. People really are kind and want to hear all about what is going on.  I've enjoyed chatting with folks who never talked to me before they really had something to relate to with me.  Let's talk about babies!  Or being Pregnant!
17. People really want to take my mind off being pregnant and all this.  I enjoy being with friends who couldn't really give a rats ass that I'm pregnant and just ignore it and we just go on as we always have.  I really truly appreciate that, as I am a person too you know! 
18. Sobriety is still hard. 
19. Not smoking is still REALLY hard.
20. All in all, In Vitro was terrible for me and kicked my ass.  The pregnancy part is easy compared to all of that.  And I'm so damn grateful to BE pregnant that I really have NOTHING to complain about.

20 things off the top of my fantastically haired head that really are all FANTASTIC.

I know I'm not the first and I'm certainly not the last woman to be pregnant.  But when it's all new to you, you want to share it all, right?  There you have it.  It's really a gratitude list. 

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS NUMBER ONE.  over and over and over.  Number 1. 

And, BREATHE

Good Lawdy Loo, things are getting a bit tight around here.  Not just in my ever increasing belly with two spazz dancers in there, but in life.  Every day it seems the pressure increases.

At work, there are approximately 8,385 things I need to get done. Today. This minute.  I feel like I'm losing my shit several times a day lately.  Juggling an incredibly demanding job and also every few moments - oh here it comes again -  OH MY GODS I HAVE TWO BABIES IN MY BELLY AND THEY JUST KEEP GROWING AND THEY ARE GOING TO BE HERE IN LIKE, 5 MINUTES AND WE AREN'T READY AT ALL AND OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes I scream in my head like that. 

I feel like I'm losing it a bit lately.  And yes, I have folks in my life that keep me in check, mainly my dear sweet dumpster husband, who I could not handle any of this without right now, but also, FRIENDS.  Sponsees and other friends who are such a gift to me they really have absolutely no idea how much I value them.  I wish I could make them see.  I wish I could impart that this two sided thing we do in working a program, working an equal sided friendship, helps both of us, every day.  ALL THE TIME. 

Here's part of an email exchange with a very close friend and woman I sort of sponsor in the program and I last night (name left out obviously).  There is a point to this, hang with me here:

Her: "please, do not be grateful for me. I am tired and worn and feel finished. Not really, but, yes. Ya know?  I cannot tell you how you inspire me each day to remain optimistic and alive.
thank you.  so. motherfucking. much.  I love you..."

Katy: "I love you. So motherfucking much. So grateful for you. I am. Can't stop me. Yes I know what you mean about being done. But we keep going. I want to cry and scream a lot lately. Out of control. But I just breathe, meditate, walk, pray how I do, gratitude list, meetings, all the shit we do. We keep going.

Her: "See. It's this shit that just made me set my alarm and promise I'd do what I said I'd do. Fuck! Sometimes I don't like you. But never really. And then, yes, I recall it all. So, this shit gets done...I cannot even grasp what you face each day, babe. I mean that.  This is fucking rough...from start to end. Yes, of course it's worth every single tough second.  It's. still. Tough.  It's fucking IRONMAN tough. You've got balls like nobody I've known. Shit, talk about grateful. It's I for you, yep, me, for you...Thank you."

Katy: "That. Is why I'm so grateful for you. We love each other. Hard. We are both Ironman tough. Thank you for everything. I love it when you say you don't like me."

Her: "Haha. It's when you wouldn't think so..."

Katy "I know. You are one of a kind."

Her: "It's your constant introspect that I respect/love/hate. It's every bad thing I had done by 8 am."

Katy: "You are great right where you are. I promise. And we get better every day if we want. And WE WANT!"

I have a few reasons for sharing this tidbit of goodness:

1. A few years ago I would NEVER have had a girlfriend.  Let alone Sponsees or women in the program who trust me enough to share this fundamental stuff with me.  And no way would I share all this shit with them.  I wasn't worthy of friendship or trust.  I couldn't give and I couldn't receive.
2. I hated my sponsor when I first started working with her 10 some years ago. HATED HER.  And yet, she was everything I wanted to be.  Make sense?  Confident, smart, funny, grateful, solid.  And  yet still able to admit faults and weaknesses and not having all the answers.  Am I becoming like my sponsor who I admire so much?  Gods, I hope so.   
3. I have amazing people in my life today.  I didn't ask for them, but somehow they found me.  And I cannot express how grateful I am for them. 
4. The gift of being able to write like this.  That's all.  It is a gift to me that it just comes out.  I can't even help it any more.

The reality is, I am doing just fine.  I am more healthy than I have a right to be and am doing the right things.  I am feeling so many things right now that I never ever thought I would be lucky enough to feel.  I am feeling babies moving around.  I am feeling loved and taken care of.  I am letting people take care of me and not trying to be Super Woman all the damn time.  I am admitting weakness and when I need help.  This is a new type of thing for me.  Both at work and in life, I am asking for help.  In different ways than I am used to.  We always talk about if you aren't moving forward you are moving backwards, right?

Well, my take is perfection is boring.  Having your shit together all the time is overrated.  The crazed lady with the bugged out eyeballs and belly growing with each huge laugh is way more fun.  And the one who is constantly craving a smoke, but doesn't do it? Yeah.  She's the one I want to hang out with.  She is sure to be fun. 

Thumbs Up!

The only thing funnier would have been if he gave us the "thumbs down" sign.

This is the boy's hand.  Giving us the "thumbs up" sign at our 20 week ultrasound yesterday.  The girl was all dancing around and we saw her little feets moving around, making it hard for the tech to get a good picture of her. 

There aren't many words to describe that feeling of awe and joy when you first see the fully formed little mini humans moving around inside your belly. 

So, I will just share a couple more photos with you.



The boy.  In profile.



And, the girl.  THE GIRL.

All is well in there.  They are both in great shape and all measurements and checks indicate that they are developing as they should be.  Gratitude abounds. 

The Darkness I SHOULD NOT Feel LET ALONE Talk About

Here's the awful truth, that we as women are not supposed to talk about, I was pregnant in the very early days of my pregnancy and I was ecstatically happy, except that I was still mega depressed from going through IVF (In VItro Made Me CRAZY) and the HORMONES MADE ME CRAZY  -- joint post with my girl Sam Irby, who was being made nutso by hormones as well for different reasons.  THOSE HORMONES ARE BASTARDS. 

People know about Postpartum Depression these days as many women experience this and it's more talked about.  But this damn pre-natal pregnancy depression kicked me in the vagina and the head and the heart big time.  My dear sweet Dumpster Husband sent me this article this morning that absolutely hit home as to what I was going through and and while I am on an upswing from now, it's still very relevant.

Not Just the Pregnancy Blues by Jessica Grose on Slate

I stopped all my meds in July 2011, the last one being Zoloft, as I was getting my body in prime baby baking shape.  Now, that was hard to withdraw from, but I did it, and honestly, didn't have that much of a serious problem with anxiety or depression until I started the damn hormones and birth control pills they jacked me up on for In Vitro.  It's a stronger dose than regular pills, and I had never been on the pill in my life, so this was all new to me.

I put myself through this, so I know it's my own fault.  I've been on psych wards.  NOT AS AN OBSERVER.  You know what I'm saying?  I am no stranger to mental health issues.  I have a history here and I am aware of what healthy is for me and what it is not.  I was not healthy going through IVF.  I was fucked up.  BUT, I also knew it would pass and hopefully the outcome would be worth it.  Which, in our case, it absolutely is.  But I feel I need to address it.  

The pill made me fucking crazy.  It made me seriously lethargic and depressed.  As in, I didn't leave our apartment for about 3 months, unless it was going to work or something I absolutely had to do.  And even then it was such a Herculean effort, that it took all my energy to just get my ass out of bed.  I could barely go to the grocery store. I was miserable. It seems silly to say this about a pill that has done huge things for women through the years and I'm grateful for the pill but GOD DAMMIT, SCREW YOU PILL!

Even after I found out we were pregnant, we were just so nervous and I was in a funk about it.  WHY?  Because my chemical make up responded wackily to these drugs and to the hormones from then being pregnant. 

Now that I'm in my 2nd trimester, the depression and lethargy have subsided.  I see my friends and go out and do things.  My friends that I kept saying, "NO NO NO NO NO" to everything they asked of me, I now say "yes" again and it feels good.  I'm not encumbered by the hurt and the anxiousness I was engulfed in during those three months.  When I'm smiling my big goofy ass smile, it's absolutely genuine and I'm not barking at people pretty much at all.  All to say, I'm so god damned happy it's kind of sickening.

Anyone who says I am complaining when I should be the happiest woman in the world right now for being pregnant with twins, can kiss my white Irish arse.  Everyone who reads my blog and knows me knows how OVER THE FUCKING MOON I AM.  But this?  This realization that I really got socked with something major and didn't even FULLY really realize it at the time, makes me think there have to be so many others out there who have gone through this, or are going through this as well. 

The only reason I am able to write about this now with any kind of clarity is because I am climbing out of it.  You see me smiling and laughing and that is doubly good because I am pregnant with miracle babies.  Hope and Weird Science made these babies. This blog and writing and some very dear friends I've connected with through the internets and of course A.A. and my Dear Sweet Husband have helped me through this.  Sometimes the most I could do was write.  And I kept writing.  And I kept being grateful.  As miserable as I was, I was always grateful.  That doesn't change.  If it ever does change, we are in serious trouble.  Everything else passes, gratitude just evolves.  I'm so grateful I am not in that hole I was in even a few weeks ago.  I also know I can go into a different hole as this pregnancy continues and even after I give birth.  Being aware and able to talk about it is so very helpful.

The happy is back!  For now. 

 

Embrace ALL the feelings.  Not just the shiny happy ones.  That is the only way we are truly healthy.  I have to feel the bad to feel the good.  Embrace and deal with ALL THE FEELINGS.  And just because they aren't fact, doesn't mean we don't need to deal with them in some way.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS. 

KaBUMPo!!!!!