Thursday, April 26, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 35


Not a toothbrush.

Shoots of glitter guns, pew pew pew pew!

This Thursday I am CHOOSING to love my morning routine of going to Northwestern Hospital.  You know, I go every single morning now, for my tests.  The staff actually have gotten to know my big stupid face and are very kind and funny with me now.  It just takes a hot minute and then people usually realize I'm pretty freaking awesome.  And most of them are too, once you break through their "going through the motions for the 8 millionth time" face. 

It finally happened.  This morning, almost legs up in stirrups, the gal says, "You look like someone."   OH MAH GAH.  And sure enough, she continued by saying, "I'm not the only Stenographer who thinks so; we've all been talking about you."

Well, isn't that nice.  Then we laughed and laughed.  Seriously.  I've been legs up with this girl every damn day for the last week and I was so happy to be laughing with her, I didn't even get irritated. 

I'm so grateful that Northwestern is a top notch medical facility and my husband's insurance lets me do this fertility gig there.  I am so thankful it's right downtown, across the Loop from my work.  And that I get to go in every morning at 7am before being at work at 8am-ish.  This makes a huge difference in my daily schedule.  I can take the train downtown and then walk about 6 blocks to the hospital with a gaggle of about 30 nurses or nursing students who also take the train. 

We all line up - about 20 women there for infertility each morning - some who are actually smiling and saying hi to me now - get our numbers for ultrasounds and go wait.  I see some of the same women every morning.  One woman was in our orientation when we went a couple months ago.  I know this is hard.  I know none of us want to be there.  I also know it makes me feel less alone and afraid to have a kind look or a how are you from one of them who is going through EXACTLY the same thing I am.  It helps.  So I am trying and some probably hate me for it and wish I would take my stupid big smile face somewhere else, but I'm here.  I'm grateful to be here and to be given an opportunity to try this. 

Bing, bang, boom, Ultrasound and blood work, and I'm outta there hoofing it across the Loop to the Tower in time for work. 

I am really, REALLY grateful for all of this.  The convenience makes it a bit easier to swallow all the pricking and prodding and money spent on this baby stuff. 

I don't even know who I am anymore, but I'm smiley for some reason and reaching out to other women going through this. Usually I just reach out to other drunks and leave the rest alone. Now, I'm reaching out to other women going through this baby stuff. And they are reaching out to me. Either in person or through my blog or the Facebook page. And I am so grateful for all of it. The notes of encouragement and love I've received are absolutely mind blowing to me. Every single one is so precious and I cannot thank you enough.

Also, I love my bird earrings I have on today.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 34

Waving that flag.  That white flag.  Marching around with that flag on my shoulders and singing, "I let it go, I let it go, I let you go you bastard of self doubt and worry and shit I can't control!"  MARCH MARCH MARCH MARCH. 

The Thing I Love this Thursday is the ability to surrender. To let that shit go.  I have to do it every single day, sometimes over and over and over until I want to rip that motherloving flag up and burn it to the ground, but dammit, I SURRENDER.

Now, you know I'm not a religious sort.  But this shit helps me every day in my life.  This little ditty right here makes all the difference.  Over and over and over I say this prayer and I surrender to the universe and just keep doing the best I can to treat others with kindness and respect and remember to treat myself with kindness and respect and not drive myself insane.

I like to pretend I have a little parade akin to the Music Man, or OK GO here, marching around with that white flag going through the middle of it all day, every day.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  God, how many times has this been said to me or have I said it to others.  And, you know what?  IT ALWAYS DOES PASS.  Always.  No matter how many times I roll my eyes or scream, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.  It passes.  The good and the bad, IT ALL PASSES.

Practice not perfection.  SURRENDERING is one of the hardest things to do because we love to make ourselves crazy with worry and self doubt and FEAR over useless shit that we have absolutely no control over.  You know who that helps?  Nobody.  Certainly not yourself.  Do yourself a favor and feel that burden lifted. 

Here's what I ask myself, "Is this something I have any kind of control over?"  Most of the time, it's no.  So I can let that shit go.  If I can control any of it, I do my best to handle it well.  The rest, GONE. 

Surrender feels so damn good, I want to give it to all my friends.  I want to give it to the world.  Just let me hang onto that one thing a tiny bit longer and then you can have it, OK?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 33

Guess who came into work with me today? 

I give you -  GRANDMAMA.

Some of you on the IWADB Facebook Page may be familiar with Grandmama and her shall we say, prim and proper ways.  She likes to tell me I look like a whore or a prostitute, but in a nice way (not really, but I live in denial).

If it's possible, I think my skin itches even more right now with her on me.  I get pretty excited to see her, she's not very excited to see me, as you can tell here.
Most days she stays in her jewelry box and doesn't inflict judgement on anyone but me. Well, she and Sally Boy have a grand old Tea and Scones party every day, but that's about it. I can only IMAGINE the conversations that those two have. 

Today, GRANDMAMA took the train into the Tower with me and as you can see, she was doing her best to cast her disapproval on this gentleman here just trying to get to work.

"Have some pride young man and take off those mirrored sunglasses for god's sake.  You are embarrassing yourself."
She came about the first time I wore her and my Dear Sweet Husband called her that and started talking for her.  Because he's the funniest and most creative person I know.  And he married ME!  Squeeeeee! 

Therefore, she is a THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.

I can't do voices nearly as well as he can and when I talk for Grandmama she winds up sounding like my girl cat, Eliza.  So, in my head, all day every day, I hear things like this from my necklace, a.k.a, GRANDMAMA, a.k.a., my husband doing her voice:

  1. "You look like a prostitute."
  2. "You stink of cheese."
  3. "You look like a whore."
  4. "Your décolletage is distracting."
I think there should be a little pull thingy where she says these things all day whenever we pull her.  I NEED THAT.  Can anyone help me with that?

    Tuesday, April 10, 2012

    TOM'S A Day WITHOUT Shoes Challenge

    My company hauled our asses up to the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower sans shoes to do this thing for Tom's - One Day Without Shoes.  Here, for your enjoyment, are Leigh Anne and Young Jonathan. And me, of course.  All acting like idiots. 
    To be fair, this laying down and taking the picture from above from YJ's idea.  I didn't look down the entire time up there. 
     Yup, that would be me hiding behind him.  Who knew he was taller than me?

     I love my city.
     Not even out there yet.  Too skeered.
     YJ was even more scared than we were I think.  He tried to play it cool.
     This is my other young friend, Justin.  He was fearless up there.


    OK, here's a little fake forced, I ain't skeered smile.

    I don't know what y'all are so afraid of.  This is nothin'.

    Mr. Cool.

    We did it!  Holding hands like two proper old biddies. 

    Monday, April 9, 2012

    It's Not Me, It's the Hormones

    Well Well Well.  We have arrived at the point in which I can confidently say, we are doing IN VITRO FERTILIZATION.  Cue DUN DUN DUN sound here.


    Now, I am on week two of the birth control pills and I have a rash that is causing me to break out into scratching spasms at all times, day and night.  Mostly out of a dead sleep and my poor husband.  MY POOR DEAR HUSBAND.  Who will help me administer my first actual shot tonight. 

    This is how I think I look most of the time:

    When in all reality, THIS is what I look like at all times lately.
    This is what trying to scratch everywhere on your body looks like when you try to do it using only your mind. 
    Tip - IT DOES NOT WORK. 
    I have bruises all over my body from the scratching.  I have tried everything so please you really don't need to write or comment to tell me what I need to do. 

    IN FACT, can we all just agree that if your first response to this post is to write me to tell me anything about what I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE DOING OR FEELING is probably one that you should keep to yourself.  I know, your aunt Minny or cousin Betty got pregnant when they just relaxed or when they adopted or all that.  Please.  I've heard enough of these stories to last a lifetime.  I know you mean well, or at least I'm hoping you mean well, but please respect our process and don't ask questions or tell me how I should be doing things.  Don't try to tell me how to do this or try to fix me.  In short, mind your own damn business.  Please respect our privacy. I put out as much here as I'm willing to put out for you.  That's it. 

    I am someone who is no stranger to mental health facilities. I have spent time as a patient on psych wards. This hormone shit is fucking with me. It's fucking with my sanity. So, I am trying to get to more meetings. I am talking to people who have gone through this and when they say, "that's normal", I believe them.  I am not making a lot of plans right now.  Because chances are, I will break them.  I can barely get my ass out the door to work right now most days.  I am a crazy hormonal monster. My only saving grace is people telling me I don't "look" crazy. Jesus.  I put in the effort to look nice lately as that makes me feel a bit normal. 

     However, I take all this mental health shit very seriously.  Because my sobriety hinges on it. So, this is my gig in my head lately, "I feel like crap, I feel like crap, I suck, everything sucks, I have no motivation to do anything, I am just going to screw everything up anyway so what's the point, I am not healthy, I am spiraling into a pit of despair, cry cry cry, oh my that's pretty funny because you know what?  everything is actually really fucking great.  I am sober, I have a great husband and a great life and this shit that I'm feeling is just these stupid hormones that are going through my body that are new and different and I am still Katy and I am just fine.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH be mean to my husband and people around me and maybe smash things with my mind and the daggers in my eyeballs, but wait, calm down, everything ok.  EVERYTHING IS OK.  EVERYTHING IS OK". 
    Rinse, repeat repeat repeat.

    I keep going back to, this is not me, this is the hormones fucking with me.  I am Katy.  I am calm and serene and everything is just fine. Well, yesterday at Easter I actually told people in my family how I am.  And after the look of shock wore off their faces, they were nothing but loving.  I realized how I am usually the one who listens more than expresses how I am feeling, but right now, no holds barred.  I need to get through this shit.  And I need people to hear me and just listen to me and my crazy. 

    This little ditty is with me today because I believe I can be crazed and still have my dignity and laughter at the same time.  And strength, well, I know I have that.  Fear?  Of course I have fear.  We all do.  But that doesn't mean we can't walk through it with grace and dignity.  Maybe a bit clumsily with a few trips along the way, but still, dignity.  Always dignity. 

    I have quit drinking. I have quit smoking. I have quit anxiety medication. I have quit a lot of things. I have learned to eat well and be healthy. To eat REAL FOOD. I have learned to honor my body and my spirit, finally. But even now, my first instinct is usually something self destructive. I play that through and make a good choice MOST of the time today. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. The facts are that I have everything I need today. And man, does that feel good.

    My husband and I are good.  We are great and we have great support from family and friends and good medical people working with us.  We are lucky.  We are incredibly lucky that we even get to try this.  So, in my own way, making fun of myself and what a horrible monster I am by making jokes and doing funny postings is how I deal.  If I am laughing, I am not crying and THAT my friends are where my emotions are today.   Laughing or crying.  Not much in between.  So yeah, I am a terrible fucking emotional monster right now. Who is itching like a crazy person.  Who is driving her poor sweet husband crazy.  We want a baby.  We are trying this first.  Welcome to our journey.  You are with us or you are against us.  Hop off now, if you are against us please.  There are better places for you than with me. 

    The rest of you, get ready.  This is going to be an excellent ride.  Now, come over here and scratch my back. 


    Tuesday, April 3, 2012

    Excuse Me, I'm Trying to Avoid You

    We have a problem.  You are on the train or the bus in the morning going into work.  YOU SEE SOMEONE YOU KNOW.  Either you work with this person or you know them from a one night stand or they fired your ass for passing out drunk in the lobby of the Prudential Tower, or you know,  they are somebody's sister or something totally and ridiculously uncomfortable.  Whatever.  WHAT DO YOU DO?

    It's a problem that many before and many after me will encounter and never quite know how to handle without being incredibly rude or incredibly passive aggressive. That's not in my wheelhouse, the passive aggressive thing, so incredibly rude is usually how it rears it's ugly head. I usually will say something like, "I'm sorry, but I really need to just chill for a while before going into work, do you mind if I read/listen to This American Life (people love it when you drop the NPR bomb. It makes you seem super smart and worldly, not stuffy at all or pretentious in any way).

    If you don't feel comfortable throwing out the LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME CHILL FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF HELL, here's a helpful list to get you back to your headphones and that glorious Weird Al music you so enjoy at the butt crack of dawn to get you pumped up for the day.
    1. Wear a disguise each and every day.  We all know about fake mustaches.  Even finger mustaches can work in a pinch, but by god do SOMETHING.  I like bonnets myself. 
    2. See?  None of you would know this handsome devil is actually Mel Gibson in a clever disguise.
    3. Bring a cat with you.  Preferably in a stroller, a la Sally Boy here,
    4. People love cats.  I find.  Especially when on public transportation.  And they especially love when you do something creepy and weird like make them cradle your widdle biddy baby boy and swaddle him and ask if you want to kiss the teeny widdle baby.
    5. Act like you are a blind person.  Seriously.  I've seen it work on my favorite show, Pretty Little Liars.  Jenna here, is blind or isn't really blind, from an explosion the gang rigged to go off, but they didn't really think Jenna would be in there, and NOW, they all have to pay for what they've done.  And make sure you use one of those sticks because that really makes people stay away from you.  I mean, who wants to help a blind person with anything?
    6. Shhhhhhhhhh.  These dark glasses will make anyone rethink approaching you and entering into a conversation.  And, you can just glare at people with a scowl.
    7. Fake an accent.  Act like the person trying to talk to you must have you confused with someone else.  Similar to point number 1. up there, the disguise, a fake accent not only shows how worldly you are, but it's effective in making people feel absolutely crazy. Which they love.  I find the more stereotypes you can employ, the better.  Give it a try.  And for God's sake, BE LOUD.  Everyone knows foreigners are loud. 
    So you see, there are several different tactics you may employ in keeping your personal space on public transit.  And if all else, fails, just quietly start saying, "Oh no, oh god no, OH NO NO NO NO, NOT HERE.  NOT NOW!"  While starting to move around really uncomfortably and covering your bottom. 

    You are welcome, everybody.