It's a problem that many before and many after me will encounter and never quite know how to handle without being incredibly rude or incredibly passive aggressive. That's not in my wheelhouse, the passive aggressive thing, so incredibly rude is usually how it rears it's ugly head. I usually will say something like, "I'm sorry, but I really need to just chill for a while before going into work, do you mind if I read/listen to This American Life (people love it when you drop the NPR bomb. It makes you seem super smart and worldly, not stuffy at all or pretentious in any way).
If you don't feel comfortable throwing out the LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME CHILL FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF HELL, here's a helpful list to get you back to your headphones and that glorious Weird Al music you so enjoy at the butt crack of dawn to get you pumped up for the day.
- Wear a disguise each and every day. We all know about fake mustaches. Even finger mustaches can work in a pinch, but by god do SOMETHING. I like bonnets myself.
- Bring a cat with you. Preferably in a stroller, a la Sally Boy here,
- Act like you are a blind person. Seriously. I've seen it work on my favorite show, Pretty Little Liars. Jenna here, is blind or isn't really blind, from an explosion the gang rigged to go off, but they didn't really think Jenna would be in there, and NOW, they all have to pay for what they've done. And make sure you use one of those sticks because that really makes people stay away from you. I mean, who wants to help a blind person with anything?
- Fake an accent. Act like the person trying to talk to you must have you confused with someone else. Similar to point number 1. up there, the disguise, a fake accent not only shows how worldly you are, but it's effective in making people feel absolutely crazy. Which they love. I find the more stereotypes you can employ, the better. Give it a try. And for God's sake, BE LOUD. Everyone knows foreigners are loud.
|See? None of you would know this handsome devil is actually Mel Gibson in a clever disguise.|
|People love cats. I find. Especially when on public transportation. And they especially love when you do something creepy and weird like make them cradle your widdle biddy baby boy and swaddle him and ask if you want to kiss the teeny widdle baby.|
|Shhhhhhhhhh. These dark glasses will make anyone rethink approaching you and entering into a conversation. And, you can just glare at people with a scowl.|
You are welcome, everybody.
bahahahaha... i love this - especially Sally crying like a baby in his stroller...xoReplyDelete
My favorite is faking a fight on a phone call. Put your phone to your ear & have a verbal fight with no one in particular who isn't on the other end of the conversation. NO one will walk up to you to interrupt your fake fight. Works like a charm...not that I'd know or anything...*ahem*ReplyDelete
Oh...and I totally dig the finger 'stache & loud accent. Together.
Thanks, Katy! I'll be sure to use these just as soon as I'm prepared to be viewed as a total whack job by the general public; which, when you think about it, isn't a bad thing, really. Look how well that's worked out for ol' Mel Gibson.ReplyDelete
I use the foreigner thing. I mumble a few words in French, making sure to curse so if they actually do understand me they'll think I'm crazy. Works like a charm. :-)ReplyDelete
Sally Boy fangs... SALLY BOY FANGS!!! In my situation though, with someone who actually knows me, I think the only thing that would work would be AM~Erica's fake fight scenario. I'm using it next time. TOTALLY.ReplyDelete
That used to happen to me all the time before I got my motorcycle. I'd be afraid of looking like an a-hole if I didn't acknowledge someone I worked with and conversed with them on the way to work if I saw them on the BART train.ReplyDelete
Ordinarily I'd just pretend not to see them and rock out with my headphones on, but if it was clear to the individual that I saw them (the dreaded eye contact) then I would feel compelled to make small talk and begin to feel the drain as my "me time" began getting away from me.
Turns out I ended up being the a-hole for interrupting THEIR me time...one co-worker said, "Not to be rude, but I normally like to use this time to read as I walk to work."
I explained to him that I was relived because I feel the same way about listening to music on the way to work and felt socially obligated to engage him in conversation because we made eye contact. We had a good laugh and now when we see each other we just wave and leave each other to our respective me times.
"Even finger mustaches can work in a pinch, but by god do SOMETHING. I like bonnets myself."ReplyDelete
FINGER MUSTACHES!!!!!! *felloffmycouchandcan'tgetup*
~gimme a while.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Thee are wise, wise words. I'm gonna put a few together: blind foreign disguised will never get me noticed!ReplyDelete
Yes,I too use the fake phone call.Not as creative as the other suggestions,but for me more convenient.However,doesn't always work with the very rude.ReplyDelete
Ha ha... love the Jenna reference... She totally rocks the angry blind chick. I've played deaf myself, it just pisses people off after you say what the 4th time :)ReplyDelete
Love it! Keep 'em coming :)
Never thought of the finger moustache...great idea. I have tried to hide behind people...I've gained weight so it's a little harder these days. I've tried looking past them like I don't recognize them...never make eye contact. I have gone as far as striking up a conversation with myself...crazy works for me...it's a great repellent. Love you!!ReplyDelete
That is hysterical. It takes me back to high school in Baltimore City, Md. In tenth grade my parents made me start riding the bus to school. It was quite a ride from our house because I went to Baltimore School for the Arts notmy district school. Here was my fathers parental advice on staying safe. Honey do you ever notice the crazy people on the conerrs talking to themselves and jerking around. I replied yes daddy. He said nobody every standing around them. They are always alone so if you every feel scared thats what you do, and here's a pocket knife incase someone gets to close. Have a good day now.ReplyDelete
This is hysterical!! I have not read you very long (I read some of your past stuff to catch up), but this is the funniest thing I have ever read from you! LOL, good good stuff babe!ReplyDelete
Fecking hysterical!!! I am going to try the blind woman approach!ReplyDelete
This is fecking funny-and I am going to play the blind woman next time, lol. No one wants to help a blind woman hehe.ReplyDelete
Thank you for the tips. The only time I want to talk to someone is when I intend to talk to them. I don't want to be approached. Just because you saw me, does not give you the right to speak to me. I'm a little strange like that.ReplyDelete
Oh, the old cat in the stroller trick. I'll stick that one in my back pocket.ReplyDelete