It's a problem that many before and many after me will encounter and never quite know how to handle without being incredibly rude or incredibly passive aggressive. That's not in my wheelhouse, the passive aggressive thing, so incredibly rude is usually how it rears it's ugly head. I usually will say something like, "I'm sorry, but I really need to just chill for a while before going into work, do you mind if I read/listen to This American Life (people love it when you drop the NPR bomb. It makes you seem super smart and worldly, not stuffy at all or pretentious in any way).
If you don't feel comfortable throwing out the LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME CHILL FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF HELL, here's a helpful list to get you back to your headphones and that glorious Weird Al music you so enjoy at the butt crack of dawn to get you pumped up for the day.
- Wear a disguise each and every day. We all know about fake mustaches. Even finger mustaches can work in a pinch, but by god do SOMETHING. I like bonnets myself.
- Bring a cat with you. Preferably in a stroller, a la Sally Boy here,
- Act like you are a blind person. Seriously. I've seen it work on my favorite show, Pretty Little Liars. Jenna here, is blind or isn't really blind, from an explosion the gang rigged to go off, but they didn't really think Jenna would be in there, and NOW, they all have to pay for what they've done. And make sure you use one of those sticks because that really makes people stay away from you. I mean, who wants to help a blind person with anything?
- Fake an accent. Act like the person trying to talk to you must have you confused with someone else. Similar to point number 1. up there, the disguise, a fake accent not only shows how worldly you are, but it's effective in making people feel absolutely crazy. Which they love. I find the more stereotypes you can employ, the better. Give it a try. And for God's sake, BE LOUD. Everyone knows foreigners are loud.
|See? None of you would know this handsome devil is actually Mel Gibson in a clever disguise.|
|People love cats. I find. Especially when on public transportation. And they especially love when you do something creepy and weird like make them cradle your widdle biddy baby boy and swaddle him and ask if you want to kiss the teeny widdle baby.|
|Shhhhhhhhhh. These dark glasses will make anyone rethink approaching you and entering into a conversation. And, you can just glare at people with a scowl.|
You are welcome, everybody.