Thursday, September 27, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 53

I get to do a lot of things.  I get to go a lot of places.  I am fortunate enough to get up and out to work every day in a major metropolitan city.  I take public transportation.  I encounter a ton of people on daily basis.  I go to bars, to weddings, to concerts, to shows, just about anything, I feel confident going nowdays.  Hell, I go to family functions.  I may not always like them, but I GO.  You could say I AM A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.

It used to be, I was a girl of myself.  I was too scared and fearful of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING to venture outside of my little world.  Which was too miserable to inflict on others anyway.  And I drank.  I drank to go out in public. I drank to be at home.  I drank to tolerate my miserable self. It gave me courage and made me feel like I could do anything.  It was an absolute crutch.  Real courage is not having any kind of prop to help you walk through life with confidence. 

Before I drank, I always always always felt LESS THAN.  Drinking helped with that.   UNTIL IT DIDN'T. 

And when I stopped drinking I had to learn to do EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.  Because when you drink 24 hours a day for several years, you have to learn to do everything without it.  And that is some scary shit.  I was on meds for anxiety and depression for a long time.  I went off them a bit over a year ago and that has been an adjustment too.  But we are growing, right?  I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life.  The only time I could get out of it was when I drank.  And it was disastrous.  Being sober is terrifying at first. But you walk through it. 

Now, I'm not saying I don't still feel less than.  I do.  But rarely these days.  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is walking around in my own skin like I fucking OWN THE PLACE

I used to take great pride in the idea that I didn't need anyone or anything. I was a loner.  A rebel.  Really, it's the opposite that I take pride in now.  I am a part of this world.  I am a part of all of you.  Whether I like it or not sometimes.  But the joy and the gifts I get from choosing to be A PART OF so outweighs the negative. 

Now, this is not to say I'm an extrovert.  I'm a clear introvert.  I prefer being on my own and staying at home to going out most of the time.  I will take doing nothing over doing something almost every single time. 

There is no one and nobody who is more worthy than I am.  And I am no more worthy than anyone else.  PERIOD.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work and praying and working the 12 steps and just saying SCREW YOU NEGATIVE FEELINGS for me to get to this place.  But I can honestly say, I belong in this world today.  I BELONG HERE.    The Promises are coming true in my life.  More and more every damn day I WORK A GOOD PROGRAM

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
  -  Y'all know when the word GOD is used in this shit, it means GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING or else I sure as hell couldn't be sober.

If you are part of a 12 step group you are familiar with these great promises.  And, my guess is, you are finding them to be coming true the longer you work your program.  If you are not part of a 12 step program and don't need to be, I hope you have some kind of something that helps you know you are on a path.  A good and loving and positive path. 
  We all need to belong somewhere.  It is a fundamental need as humans.   I had to change my thinking.  I was responsible. It took me a LONG TIME and a lot of heartache to find I belong not only in the rooms of AA, but more importantly, I BELONG IN THE WORLD.  And to think, I almost took myself out of it.  And I know many of you did too.  Or are thinking it's hopeless right now.  IT'S NOT HOPELESS.  Find something to be grateful for and GRAB ONTO THAT SUCKER.  It's the basis for hope.  And you do belong.    YOU SEE ME COMING, YOU KNOW I'M STRUTTING.  That's my motto. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Good Lawdy Loo, things are getting a bit tight around here.  Not just in my ever increasing belly with two spazz dancers in there, but in life.  Every day it seems the pressure increases.
At work, there are approximately 8,385 things I need to get done. Today. This minute.  I feel like I'm losing my shit several times a day lately.  Juggling an incredibly demanding job and also every few moments - oh here it comes again -  OH MY GODS I HAVE TWO BABIES IN MY BELLY AND THEY JUST KEEP GROWING AND THEY ARE GOING TO BE HERE IN LIKE, 5 MINUTES AND WE AREN'T READY AT ALL AND OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes I scream in my head like that. 

I feel like I'm losing it a bit lately.  And yes, I have folks in my life that keep me in check, mainly my dear sweet dumpster husband, who I could not handle any of this without right now, but also, FRIENDS.  Sponsees and other friends who are such a gift to me they really have absolutely no idea how much I value them.  I wish I could make them see.  I wish I could impart that this two sided thing we do in working a program, working an equal sided friendship, helps both of us, every day.  ALL THE TIME. 

Here's part of an email exchange with a very close friend and woman I sort of sponsor in the program and I last night (name left out obviously).  There is a point to this, hang with me here:

Her: "please, do not be grateful for me. I am tired and worn and feel finished. Not really, but, yes. Ya know?  I cannot tell you how you inspire me each day to remain optimistic and alive.
thank you.  so. motherfucking. much.  I love you..."
Katy: "I love you. So motherfucking much. So grateful for you. I am. Can't stop me. Yes I know what you mean about being done. But we keep going. I want to cry and scream a lot lately. Out of control. But I just breathe, meditate, walk, pray how I do, gratitude list, meetings, all the shit we do. We keep going.

Her: "See. It's this shit that just made me set my alarm and promise I'd do what I said I'd do. Fuck! Sometimes I don't like you. But never really. And then, yes, I recall it all. So, this shit gets done...I cannot even grasp what you face each day, babe. I mean that.  This is fucking rough...from start to end. Yes, of course it's worth every single tough second.  It's. still. Tough.  It's fucking IRONMAN tough. You've got balls like nobody I've known. Shit, talk about grateful. It's I for you, yep, me, for you...Thank you."
Katy: "That. Is why I'm so grateful for you. We love each other. Hard. We are both Ironman tough. Thank you for everything. I love it when you say you don't like me."

Her: "Haha. It's when you wouldn't think so..."

Katy "I know. You are one of a kind."
Her: "It's your constant introspect that I respect/love/hate. It's every bad thing I had done by 8 am."

Katy: "You are great right where you are. I promise. And we get better every day if we want. And WE WANT!"
I have a few reasons for sharing this tidbit of goodness:
  1. A few years ago I would NEVER have had a girlfriend.  Let alone Sponsees or women in the program who trust me enough to share this fundamental stuff with me.  And no way would I share all this shit with them.  I wasn't worthy of friendship or trust.  I couldn't give and I couldn't receive.
  2. I hated my sponsor when I first started working with her 10 some years ago. HATED HER.  And yet, she was everything I wanted to be.  Make sense?  Confident, smart, funny, grateful, solid.  And  yet still able to admit faults and weaknesses and not having all the answers.  Am I becoming like my sponsor who I admire so much?  Gods, I hope so.   
  3. I have amazing people in my life today.  I didn't ask for them, but somehow they found me.  And I cannot express how grateful I am for them. 
  4. The gift of being able to write like this.  That's all.  It is a gift to me that it just comes out.  I can't even help it any more.
The reality is, I am doing just fine.  I am more healthy than I have a right to be and am doing the right things.  I am feeling so many things right now that I never ever thought I would be lucky enough to feel.  I am feeling babies moving around.  I am feeling loved and taken care of.  I am letting people take care of me and not trying to be Super Woman all the damn time.  I am admitting weakness and when I need help.  This is a new type of thing for me.  Both at work and in life, I am asking for help.  In different ways than I am used to.  We always talk about if you aren't moving forward you are moving backwards, right?

Well, my take is perfection is boring.  Having your shit together all the time is overrated.  The crazed lady with the bugged out eyeballs and belly growing with each huge laugh is way more fun.  And the one who is constantly craving a smoke, but doesn't do it? Yeah.  She's the one I want to hang out with.  She is sure to be fun. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 52

Let's really talk about something serious.


This is what I love today.  And it is happening. And it is good.  At least in Chicago.  This week. 

It could get up to 800 degrees again what with this fake global warming and Al Gore and his internets nonsense that he just totally made up to make himself seem all smart and shit.  You know what is not real? Science and FACTS. Facts about global warming and climate change don't mean anything......pshaw!

*looks around sheepishly*  You know I'm kidding about all that right?  GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!!  DOOOMED!!!!!
Hall & Oates at 23 weeks! 
These babes are loving the cooler weather too.  They get a bit more support with the tights than with just the summer dresses and they are tucked in tight.  We are snug as bugs in rugs.  Or tights.  ANYHOO, we are comfy cozy and ready for fall.  No underboob sweat and no make up running before you even leave the apartment in the morning.  IT IS FALL, GLORIOUS FALL!!!!!  I wait all year for this to happen and it's one of my favorite reasons for living here.  SEASONS and changing out of the clothes and the shoes and the coats, AH GLORIOUS COATS!!!

I LOVE FALL!!!  Puts a bit of a bounce in your step, doesn't it?  LET'S ALL SKIP!  COME ON!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

DDW Guest Post - Life is SOOOOOO Good

Who is luckier than me to get to guest post on Daddy Doin' Work?
Nobody, that's who.  Hope and positivity are the message with him.  You know we love that.  I met Doyin back when he was awesome enough to Guest Post for me in July this year. He brought down the house with his post and I'm so happy he asked me to return the favor. 

Here it is! My all new Guest Post. Life is SOOOO Good.

Monday, September 17, 2012

GUEST POST on The Monster In Your Closet - Mothers and Daughters

Deb was nice enough to ask me to do a guest post on her For This I am Thankful series. 
Please take a look.  It's on Mothers and Daughters. 

Deborah Bryan FTIAT - The Monster in Your Closet

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 51

This shit is WEIRD, yo.

There are babies.  Moving around.  In MAH BELLY.

That brings me to the delightful world of technology and on my phone I have a couple apps that I LOVE.  It's the Thing I Love this Thursday. 

The What to Expect When You are Expecting app:

Can I just bitch for one second that there is not an app for multiples yet?  Like, yes, my baby is a banana (the one fruit I don't eat, hooray!) But it would be so fun to see the two babes in there.  Can somebody please get on inventing that app?  Multiples are taking over the world it seems but there's not an app for this?  I look at these every morning on the train ride into work to see what's happening in there.  And they even have some shit for Dad to look at so my dear sweet Dumpster Husband gets the goods too.  Way to go WTEWYE app!

The Sprout app:

Which clearly shows the babe and what he looks like with little factoids - you will see the the notes on both apps are all about the feeling of movement in the belly lately.  Which, is HAPPENING.  And the little wiener.  AWWWWWWWW.

I've read a couple books, and I have the apps that tell me "what you will be feeling this week or this day" and of course, I have many many incredible women telling me their experience, strength and hope about their pregnancies, but DAMN, this shit is weird, yo.

I'm at 21 weeks now and it's said that I should be feeling something like butterflies or gas bubbles or something.  And I swear it started when we saw Hall & Oates in concert last Saturday night.  And has not really stopped.  That pressure.  Especially whoever is on "belly right" (going off stage right for those of you so theatrically inclined).  It's wonderful!  And strange.  And wonderful. 

Also, I don't want to alarm you guys, but I just looked at my Period Tracker app, and my period is kinda late.

OK, are you ready for an I L L U S I O N?

Here it goes. 

It's just me, posing for my daily "what are you wearing" pic