Things I Love Thursday - Part 67

I don't need to write a lot of words for what I love this Thursday.   Hall & Oates being lazy, adorable, gifted, slug-like babies doing their BABY CIRCUIT TRAINING every morning.  It's about the best thing ever. Now, couldn't we all do with more Tummy Time?
 I bet MOST of you can even lift your heads up and keep them up all day on your own already. 
That's not asking too much, is it?

And, one and two and one and two, and WAKE UP BABIES!

 

 

These babies oughta pay me more (OR ANYTHING) for being their personal trainer.  I pay good money at my gym for a workout like this.  And the view isn't nearly as silly.  Or lovely.  Or gratitude inspiring.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 66

What do I love today?  A whole hell of a lot.  But right now, here's what I got.  THE INTERWEBS! 

The wwwwwww world wide wonderful web!

It affords somebody like me who's stuck at home a lot of the time to have access to EVERYTHING! 

My mom didn't have it.  My Grammie's didn't have it.  We are really really really freaking lucky.

THE GOOGLES!

I use the internecks for good, like doing searches like this -

1. Why is my baby looking at me like that?
2. Who do I think I am?
3. What should I wear today?
4. Who is that one guy?
5. My nails are ugly.

You know, all the important shit. 

Take it from me, you can't ever find any bad information on the internets.

But for real?  This thing CONNECTS us all.   It's so profound and I really truly believe it helps with the loneliness and the isolation that we talked about here - REMEMBER? 

Especially for someone like me who desperately NEEDS to connect with people, even when I don't want to.  ESPECIALLY when I don't want to. That is when I need to connect more than ever, when my brain is telling me, "you're fine, you don't need anybody."  There are AA chat rooms and meetings, there are mom's chat rooms and meetings - one in Chicago specifically for multiples, which is great.  As long as I don't dive too far down the rabbit hole and can pull myself out and realize, hey!  I AM A REAL PERSON!  I need real live people too! And then drag myself out of the hole and get out and connect with other real live people.  EVEN ON THE PHONE. I would rather slice my eyeballs than talk to someone on the phone, but it's important.  So I do it.  When I have to. 

IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE ON THE WEB!  There are a lot of crazy people and BULL TO THE SHIT out there and if you're not careful, you can believe some of the shit that they put out there.  REEL IT BACK IN PEOPLE.  It's called balance, and for me, it's essential.  It's not ingrained - all or nothing is more my style.  But if I put for the effort, I can maintain an online thing and a real life thing that keeps me sane and happy and grateful. 

I'm grateful for this computer and the electricity it needs to power up and to Al Gore (hay Al, call me!) for inventing the internet.  I am grateful for the job that I have that affords me to pay for all this shit.  This is all really truly profound shit that when I stop to think about it MAKES MY HAIR HURT. 

SERIOUSLY.  The internet, when used for good and connecting and truly funny, inspiring shit is AMAZING.
Let's all use it for good and not for evil, shall we?

*goes off to google when I can make with beans and soy sauce and potatoes because that's all I have in my kitchen*

Things I Love Thursday - Part 65

You better watch out because I'm gonna say fuck. 

WE WENT TO THE MOTHERFUCKING MALL, YO!

Rollin' with the homies

The Thing I Love This Thursday is MALL WALKING.  And yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know I love my dear sweet dumpster husband, but it's Valentines Day and I'm sure there will be a barrage of lovey dovey posts today, so I ain't doing it. 

So, yeah, we went to the mall like three proper bad asses.  And this isn't any old mall, this is the mall in which I grew up skulking about.  This is a mall I haven't frequented in years and years, BECAUSE IT'S IN THE SUBURBS, SON and I get nervous leaving the safety of the city limits these days.  BUT this is a mall I bought Benetton sweaters in and Swatch watches and UNITS and stalked Contempo Casuals and got Annie's Pretzels in - like a late 80's/early 90's BOSS with big mothereffing hair, yo. 

My high school Senior Picture Circa 1991.  Home perm.  Wings.  Hoops.  Double piercing in left ear that was done at a YOUTH GROUP CHURCH RETREAT LIKE A GANGSTA, Shoulder Pads.  Shimmer lip gloss.  Necklace with a heart and someone has the key.  If only I could remember who that peg leg jeaned stud was......

Observations at the MOTHERFUCKING MALL, YO.

1. There are a shit ton of mall walkers during a week day.
2. EVERYONE wants to talk to the lady with the twins.  
3. People pay way too much money for some bullshit.
4. There are some real creepy dudes out there who really want to talk to a righteous MILF with babies. CREEPY CREEPS.
5.  EVERYONE wants to talk to the lady with the twins. 
6. There are a lot of moms and babies who all seem to KNOW EACH OTHER. 
7. There are a lot of strollers and double strollers at this gangsta playground. --
   

Which is why I just parked on the upper level with our double stroller and threw the babies overboard.  I think they landed ok.  I mean, Hall landed on a slide and Oates was just content to lay there like a starfish in the middle of the screaming mob of punk ass kids.  SUBURBS.  CHECK IT.  Watch yourself, you could get a cap in yo' ass.  I left them there for maybe 30 minutes while I went to Wet Seal and tried on pleather pants, yo.  WAIT, you mean that's NOT a babysitting service in there?  The parents are supposed to supervise their kids there?  Shit.  No wonder they were all giving me the stink eye when I gave them a tip on our way out.  Oh well, live and learn.

We made it about 3 hours and then the meltdown started.  First Hall and then Oates.  We high tailed it to Nordstroms -- AND NO I DON'T WANT A SAMPLE OF STANKASS PERFUME I HAVE TWO WAILING BABES HERE -- because they have lovely ladies lounges.  We lounged and fed and changed our nappies.  Well, I didn't have to change mine at that point.  But then we went and got a Valentine's card for our main man and got the heck out.  One Starbucks, one pretzel and one card - $8.  A few hours of lovely walking around with babies and other humans who were quite lovely except for a couple smartass remarks, PRICELESS.  We will be back, mall. WE WILL BE BACK.

I leave you with this gem by my nerd crush, genius Ben Folds (that's the link to a post I did about him).   It's all I could think about walking through the mall today.  It was a good spazz dancing soundtrack for our walking like bad asses through the mall with heels and red lips.

And I smiled and smiled and every comment got a sincere "Thank you, yes, they are twins, a boy and a girl.  They are 5 weeks old and I am SO LUCKY."

Things I Love Thursday - Part 64

There really is so much I love this Thursday and every Thursday that it's hard to narrow it down to one thing.  But 64 times now, I have.  And I feel like I can keep this going forever.  Let's hope so!

Today it's kind of random thoughts on this here blog and funny shit about babies.  Cuz, you know, that is where I am right now in my life, and this blog is all about what's in my head and heart right at this moment.
  
I understand that reading my posts and my blog may be difficult for those who are struggling with trying to have or adopt a child.  I am constantly aware of how this feels because I was there too.  I want you to know that I never take any of this for granted and I know every second how very lucky we are. I do my own version of praying and sending love and light and hope and gratitude out to the universe for me and for you many many times a day.  I hope with all my heart you find happiness and gratitude for where you are in life and for what you have.  I get the most notes from people about sobriety and the struggle to get it and keep it, or for trying to create or add to your family.  For those notes, I am so grateful, and I believe in you.  

SOBRIETY and my journey to create a family are the two things I blog and talk about the most.  It's what this blog is about and I am so grateful you take the time to share and read it.

This is the status I posted yesterday on the Facebook Page -

"Good morning lovely capable dependable and full of hope Divers! Did we all make it through yesterday? We did! Today is another day to do better and be better. And to learn way more about being a good mama. Sobriety and motherhood are what I was meant to practice. And they go hand in hand. This is the best gig ever. Have a great day, everybody! *blowing you kisses*"

This is so true and if you regularly read my blog you know I am so grateful to be sober and ONLY BECAUSE I AM SOBER do I get to be a mama and do I get to be gifted with these babies. And the fact that all of you share in this journey with me just makes it so much more fun and also makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger and more profound than just sitting in our apartment every day with these two little ones and KEEPING THEM ALIVE.  Oh my gods, HOW AM I KEEPING THEM ALIVE?  

But more than that is the idea that every day, I WILL FAIL.  I will fail at life, as I always have, as you always have, but the difference is today we can learn from it and hopefully not keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and over and expecting different results.  This is becoming especially clear right now as I messily and sometimes desperately flail around trying to be a good mama to these two little squishy beings that are entirely in my dear sweet dumpster husband's and my care.  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FEED TWO BABIES THAT ARE 17 DAYS OLD AT THE SAME TIME?  Holy shite, will that humble your cocky arse but quick. 

And man, DO I EVER FLAIL (think Kermit arms flailing about and that's kinda how I look several times a day right now). 

Here are my immediate gripes:

1. These babies STILL cannot make a decent cup of coffee.
2. They are so damn cute.  I mean really, tone it down a bit.
3. They don't know how to give me a proper manicure, and gods forbid, if I paint my nails myself, they inevitably cry and I mess up my nails trying to calm them down.
4. They smell really really delicious.
5. THEY ARE HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME.
6. I AM HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME. 
7. They exhibit shoddy workmanship when I force them to put together all the furniture we keep getting from IKEA.  Lazy, really.
8. Bewbies.
9. They are only 6 to 7 pounds and sometimes they absolutely terrify us way more than a huge hulking menacing terrifying awful bad bad man.
10. They can't seem to focus on things I want them to really focus on.  Like noticing and commenting on how cute I look today.  I mean, I wore this dress for you, babies.
11. OH MY GODS MY BEWBIES ARE SO FULL OF WHITE STUFF.
12. These babies are pretty poopy.  You understand.  POOPY ALL THE TIME!
13. I get to practice baby juggling with two babies and feeding both at once.  This terrifies and excites me all at once.  It's like the ultimate test of determination and hope at the same time. 
14. DID I MENTION MY BEWBIES?
15. They really are a great way to lose weight.  I've lost almost 40 pounds now of the 55 I gained while pregnant.  Now if I can just get this c-section business to heal I can get back to spinning!  WOOT WOOT!  Stupid c-section.  

I'll close with this.  The Thing I really Love this Thursday is this - I love that we can joke about babies and bewbies and also sobriety - the serious yet very funny with perspective - stuff in life.  It's really the only way we can get through all this stuff every day without crawling in the corner and going fetal like a - you guessed it - LIKE A BABY.  Laughter is good.  Not taking things so seriously is good.  When I drank it was serious.  I drank to escape the seriousness of life and my desperate unhappiness and hopelessness.  There is no need for that today.  Today we celebrate the funny and the awesome.  For that, I am so grateful.  That, and, babies are pretty squishy and I love that too.  Flailing and squishy go quite well together.  

Gratuitous Hall & Oates and Sally Boy shot.

  

Things I Love Thursday - Part 63

Most of the conversations, well, a lot of the conversations in our place since I've been pregnant and well, long before that, have started out with me saying to my dear sweet dumpster husband, "your wife is an idiot."  Then he patiently waits while I tell him why I am an idiot.  Then he either laughs with me or tells me, "yeah, that's kind of an idiot thing to do or say", or he says, "it's OK, baby" and we move on from there to the next idiotic thing I do.

This morning it was the ongoing battle with the washing of the baby bottles for the first time and then the putting them back together and OH MY GODS WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MANY GOTDAMNED PIECES?

NONSENSE!

I should have never taken them apart to begin with.  That was my real downfall.  I shoulda just sprayed them with Lysol as I said I would do and then run away cackling like a hyena at the silliness. 

So of COURSE this morning after they were all washed and laid out to dry with care, it took me approximately 25 minutes to put them all back together again.  After much swearing and Sally Boy meowyelling at me asking what my freaking problem was, after I googled how to put them together because one set was missing all the lips, after putting new lips in my AMAZON CART but thankfully not hitting "purchase" yet, something in my teeny tiny brain clicked and I found the part I was missing tucked inside another part. 

So, a happy dance of epic proportion ensued and Sally Boy was kind of enjoying it, Eliza Jane Doolittle was looking on in disgust with how stoopid I am, and all was right with the world. 

BUT IT WASN'T.  Not until I picked up the phone to tell my dear sweet dumpster husband what an idiot his wife is.

And so I did what I do.  And lately, with my voice being on the total fritz, I sound like a seal or a terrible barking dog with serious pain going on and yet, he still answers almost every time I call him to tell him my next idiotic escapade. 

Now, I am a big bonnet head and do you think that the Ingalls would have ever put up with this nonsense? NO.  EMPHATICALLY NO.  They were lucky if they had any milk to drink from bewbies or otherwise, and they didn't supplement with Charles giving a bottle of milk or any of that sissy business like we do today.  So, I am going back to that time.  I'm slamming on my bonnet, it will be fabulous of course, but bonnet it shall be and I will rock the heels under my prairie garments and not worry about the settings on the dishwasher or the washer and dryer and all these new fangled baby options with special detergent and all that NONSENSE! 

OK, so you know I'm kidding, but only slightly.  There is a saying in the rooms of AA, "KISS"  KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.  For me, in every area of my life, it's imperative that I KEEP IT SIMPLE.  Including babies. 

I think the more nonsense we incorporate into our lives and into our baby's lives, the more difficult things get for all of us.  So, I vow to do my best to keep them safe and in one piece, but that's the most I'm going to promise right now.  My mom dropped me on my head, and I turned out JUST FINE. 

Ya know that bargain bleach at the store that is always on sale?  Yeah, well, that's their bathwater.  DISINFECT, BABY!  KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!

I've got a dresser full of clean tiny adorable ridiculous clothes, some for boys and some for girls and some for who the hell cares - baby David Bowie or someone -  but they are all these little "sacks" as DH calls them, and that's what these babies will be lucky to wear for a while.  SACK EM' UP!  But dammit they are so cute.  So so tiny and cute and sweet and smell so darn good.  And the onesies.  I cry every time I hold up the newborn white onesie that is smaller than my hand almost. 

So, as I sat again last night watching the first season of Homeland with my dear sweet dumpster husband and not ONE but BOTH of these kiddos had hiccups at the same damn time, I marveled at the fact that I can keep this simple, stupid, even though it's about the most profound thing I will ever do to grow two humans in my belly at one time. 

The Thing I Love This Thursday is that we CAN choose to reel it back in and K.I.S.S.  Really and truly, we can reel back in the crazy.  Even if we have to keep doing it over and over and over and over as I do and will have to do the rest of my life.  TOOLS to handle life on life's terms are something I never had until I started working a 12 step program.  And man oh man, are my husband and my babies the better for that whole thing. 

Sunday is eviction day, people.  Hall & Oates shall meet the world.  I will post here as soon as we are able and willing to put them out there.  I know they are excited to meet you.   Thanks so much for all the love and support!

Things I Love Thursday - Part 62

Random Thoughts from a Diner on a Snowy Day in Chicago

The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING IN THE MOMENT.  Or rather, trying my damnedest to be in the moment. 

TEENY TINY COFFEE CUP CHEERS TO YOU!

I'm sitting in a greasy spoon diner and eating breakfast by myself, well, with you all really, but you get my drift. It's snowing here in Chicago - WHICH IS MY FAVORITE, and I am approximately 11 days away from being induced to have these two babies.  My belly hardly fits behind the table and my belly button is so protruding that it is intimate with every object and person we come anywhere near these days.

The servers all want to hear all about the babies and then feel badly as I don't have a voice to talk. But they smile and coo and are so excited for me. I told my husband as we were walking around downtown the other day that people like to smile at me. He saw it too and started saying, "oh, she just smiled at you!" And it's true. I am that pregnant lady that I would smile at before. I am her.

As I've tried so hard to be in the moment through this entire process, since getting sober really, but especially since we've gone through IVF and then being pregnant, I am in the moment today. Being in the moment is difficult. It is something that takes practice and perseverance. And no whining - or getting over the whining RIGHT QUICK. And I've done my share of whining the past couple weeks as I've been so sick. The babes are sucking all my healing out and that's OK, I just want to be able to do my best for them when we go into labor.

This is my one time to be pregnant. We have special circumstances that I don't talk about here out of privacy, but this is it. And as you well know, I am the first and only woman to ever BE pregnant, and I have really enjoyed the hell out of it. I've had such an easy pregnancy all things considered. Or maybe I'm just so grateful to be pregnant that I just have made the best of it this whole time, but this couple weeks of being sick has rocked me. I find myself whining and crying and feeling badly and thinking, this just sucks.

It doesn't suck. I'm still pregnant with super healthy Hall & Oates and they are not wanting to come out on their own, obviously, so we will induce at 38 weeks, which is roughly January 6, 2013.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

Here's looking at you kids. No make up or nothin'. Just braids and an owl hat.

So, I feel like shit with my ears and my throat and my head swimming with this nasty virus, but I'm saying this to you as much as to me, IT SHALL PASS. The person who has it the worst right now has got to be my dear sweet dumpster husband. Man, is he a champion. He's stepped up to EVERYTHING and is also my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I've been negative and he's been positive the past couple weeks, which is kind of a role reversal for us. But as usual, we balance each other out. When I'm down, he's up and vice versa.

I am so grateful for him and my life that it literally hurts my heart to think of how amazingly lucky I am. I'm sitting in this diner in this amazing city I live in with a laptop thinking, "AM I A WRITER? WHO'S LIFE IS THIS? AM I REALLY PREGNANT? OH MY GODS THEY ARE COMING IN A MATTER OF DAYS! WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM?"

See? Random thoughts. But when I really think about it, not so random at all. This is my life. This is our life. We created it. We made it by our choices and what was thrown at us. What did we do with that? How did we handle it? What did we choose about our circumstances? To accept and make the best of them or to complain and be a victim?

These are the moments. These are the thoughts. These are the times that define our lives and Ferris Bueller had it right, if we don't slow down and look around every once in a while, we miss it. So, I feel like shit. This is the only time that I will get to say, I am so super sick but it's OK, because I'm giving everything I have to my babies, who are healthy and we get to meet them so very soon.

I'm sure you're tired of my rambling, but this is where I am today. I have two women at our apartment deep cleaning it right now before babies and my little mama come to stay with us. This is such a luxury for me, it feels odd and entitled and yet, I am justifying it by saying, HEY I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY AND IF I WANT TO SPEND SOME OF IT THIS WAY IT IS ALL GOOD. I am huge. I am sick. I am overwhelmed. And I'm giving my husband and myself a gift. And that's OK.

I was just telling a friend this morning that FEAR IS OK. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT FEAR, I PROMISE YOU. Now, if I can 't take my own advice, I'm just full of hot air. And we all know I'm only full of babies and hope and love, no room for hot air.

I am in this moment of being terrified and being grateful and being sick and being excited. I am feeling ALL THE FEELINGS and man, does that ultimately feel good. I'm not tamping it down with booze or even smokes these days. I am feeling the shit out of this shit. And it is good. Even when it's not.  Know what I mean?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 61

Dear Sweet Grandmama has written you a Schmolidays letter (please go here if you don't know who Grandmama is - it's important to know what the hell is going on, trust me.  Oh and of course, I have a disclaimer at the end.  THANKS!) 

Without further ado --- The Thing I Love this Thursday is GRANDMAMA. Yes, I love this old broad and her judgements and disapproval.  AHEM AHEM AHEM ---

Dear "Divers" (as this trampy tramp Katy likes to call you),

Well, It's been a banner disgraceful year here at the Dumpster Household.  The "lady" of the house spread her legs wide for the devil science and got herself DOUBLY knocked up.  Twins are an abomination!  In Vitro is an abomination!  Shameful really.  She has literally let HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS gaze into her Hooha to get a look at the goods and has absolutely no shame about it.  I heard at the hospital, they were laughing and joking during all this baby making nonsense and I am horrified!  There were so many women just traipsing through the hospital all TRYING DESPERATELY TO GET KNOCKED UP!  In my day, we never tried to get knocked up.  You had the demon sex and you didn't enjoy it and you got pregnant and YOU HID IT FROM THE WORLD AND FELT ASHAMED until you pushed out yet another screaming GIFT FROM GOD.

This trampy tramp Katy CELEBRATES her big round belly by wearing tight clothing and *shudders* defining "maternity skinny jeans" whatever that abomination is.  AND SHE DANCES.  Continually.  Just try to get her to stop shaking her rear. The only thing that could be worse is if she hadn't tricked and married that extremely tall, good looking gentleman she somehow landed despite being a giant hussy who does nothing but TRAMP AROUND in BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK and short dresses and those god awful high heels she favors and refuses to give up even though her belly sticks out two feet in front of her.  SHAMEFUL. 

Did I mention I can't believe that tall handsome gentleman even married her 3 years ago?  I mean obviously he's under some spell of the devil to even consider it and the fact that he stays with her, well, there's got to be some voodoo devil nonsense at work!  But I digress.  That lovely tall tall gentleman is really my special friend here along with the lovely Sally Boy Kitty and Eliza Jane Doolittle.  If only that trampy tramp Katy would get the hell out of our sainted home, we could all be much happier and holier. 

Speaking of Sally Boy, we have had many many tea parties and gossip sessions and beauty makeunders while trampy tramp is out in THE WORKFORCE - shameful.  SHAMEFUL.  She dresses and goes on the public train to a job where she EARNS MONEY and has insurance and asserts herself.  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? 

Anyway, I try and try with Sally Boy to get him to understand what a horrid example of a real woman that trampy tramp is, but every day, like clockwork he is at the door meowyelling acting all easy with affection for her when she walks in the door.  SHE LEAVES HER HOME FOR 11 HOURS A DAY!  She is not home cooking and cleaning and doing her womanly duty.  In fact, her lovely husband (that I could take care of a whole lot better than she does) does more of that type of thing than she does.  She is out EARNING *shudders* MONEY. 

LOOK AT THIS - both kitties on that trampy tramps HUGE belly.  They love her even though she is a hussy.  I try and try with these cats but they keep going back in!

This is my daily life.  I am locked in a jewelry box and forced to be muffled as to criticism when I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP HER NOT TO BE SO TERRIBLY TRAMPY!  But does she appreciate me?  NO.  No, she does not.  She tells me to zip it and locks me in even tighter.  I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Well, I will tell you, "Divers" that this next year it's all going to hell.  She is so excited for her two devil science babies to come but she is going to crumble, I tell you.  I will laugh and laugh when she cries and tells me how difficult it is and then, when those babies smile at me and think I'm pretty and shiny, I will somehow deflect them.  I don't want any sticky baby fingers on me.  These babies will be the tipping point in this house, I will tell you right now.  MARK MY WORDS. I will not soften on this.  Those babies are no good.  No good can come from devil science babies!  Unless somehow they are really wonderful and then, well all bets are off.  Who can resist a baby or even two?

Oh well, another year, another terrible development in the Dumpster Household.  How I ever ended up in this mess I'll never know.  My wish for all of you is that you stay away from the devil science, hold your tongues and keep your bosoms, thoughts and opinions HIDDEN.  Happy Christmas to all and if you don't like it, you don't love America! 

Regards,
Grandmama

DISCLAIMER - Katy is not responsible for the thoughts and opinions expressed here as Grandmama is a total loose cannon and really has no idea what she's on about. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 60

This is going to come off as bitter or sweet, hopefully bittersweet.  I LOVE going to work every day.  Even on days where I say, "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED TODAY" I still love that I get to get up and get dressed and get on the train and go downtown to the office every day. 

So, it's begun to hit me that I have a big life change coming on.  Yes, I know, I am a bit slow, but I will be be having babies soon, very soon, and it will mean I will be home for about 5 months with them because apparently babies need their mother for certain things. WHO KNEW?  Pfffft.

We women are incredible.  We can bring home the facon, fry it up in the pan (well, if I cooked that would be true).  I have is an incredible husband who does so much stuff to be helpful and supportive and just always has, like, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all that stuff.  I'm quite spoiled with him as I never had to ask, he just does all this.

Now, yesterday was my first official WORK FROM HOME day.  It's been coming as Boss has said, "cut down your hours and work from home when you can."  I am open to it and I feel like I've got the set up, new office chair and fax/copier/scanner all ready to go.  Sally Boy and Eliza Jane are both not at all helpful, but they are furry and cute and distracting.  So, I will be working at home here and there for the next few weeks.

But the thing is, I was incredibly sad yesterday.  Lethargic even.  I know this is coming and if one g-d person says I'm ungrateful for these babies coming, so help me......I keep saying my biggest fear in having babies is other moms.  So please, if you want to give me shit about expressing this sadness right now when the best thing in the world is really happening with these babies, share your judgement someplace else.  This is a judgement free zone. 

We women are so many things to so many people, including ourselves.  I LOVE my work identity and that I am good at what I do and appreciated.  I had 4 people tell me it was so quiet and boring at work yesterday without me.  That MADE MY DAY.  I celebrate that I am wanted and needed here. 

That takes nothing away from how uber excited I am to devote my entire life to these babies for the next several months.  I mean, the rest of my life will be devoted to them, but I will have many other parts of my life as well. 

1. My AA part where I am vital and needed and I SO DESPERATELY NEED AA and all that goes with it.
2. My work part as I will of course, keep working - both because I love my work and because we absolutely have to have the money and insurance. 
3. MY WRITING LIFE!  (yes, I'm slowly realizing that I am, in fact,  a writer) and after I quit doing the acting thing, it's been a definite creative and healthy outlet for me, I will NOT be giving that up. And the people I've met through writing this blog have truly changed my life for the better.  Have no fear, I shall be writing for my sanity and for yours. 
4. My healthy lifestyle that I worked so hard to get going before getting pregnant.  And while I've been pregnant it's been a big part of why I look and feel so good.  I aspire to keep that shit up!  

It's so important that we keep ourselves fully rounded. We are women, gotdammit.  We are way more than just our children.  I say that with all the love in my heart for my babies, but similarly to us needing to be COMPLETELY WHOLE without a partner, we need to be completely whole on our own so that we can give so much to the people and tasks we love.  I say all the time to women I sponsor in AA, we need to be GOOD, WHOLE, COMPLETE without a partner.  Only then, can we fully give of ourselves to another.  And that takes work.  I've been that girl/woman who needed complete validation from a boy/man and it is no good. NO GOOD I TELL YA!  I choose to believe the same philosophy is true with having children.  I wrote about this here before - my babies will never have to see me drunk, if I do the work.

So, you will forgive me when I say that I am beginning to mourn my lifestyle without children.  And it is OK.  When I quit drinking I mourned that lover.  When I quit smoking I mourned that lover.  I am STILL really mourning that lover.  Every damn day.  And just like a relationship, major life changes require adjustment periods and loss and gain and everything in between.  And it is HEALTHY TO ADMIT THIS SHIT. 

My life is going to change.  But it certainly is for the better.  That is the THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.  I can be grateful that I have learned to practice the healthy mourning of change in my life.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It is something to celebrate and acknowledge and share with each other.  No shame.  Only love and appreciation of the moment.  In a healthy supportive way.  We women need each other.  This is no time for judgement.  Just love and acceptance of who we are and what we are feeling.  I'm so in, are you?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 59

I have someone very very close to me who just put someone they love into detox this morning.  This is not earth shattering in that this happens all the time.  People are at the end of their rope and desperate to keep their families together and say they will DO ANYTHING to keep what they have.  DESPERATION and BACKS AGAINST THE WALL are some of recovery's best friends.  OR, it's all bullshit and the people go right back out and drink or use again, like I did several times, before I finally quit drinking for good.

The Thing I Love this Thursday is that I can be there for someone going through all this with a loved one and be compassionate and helpful and just listen.  Just having some perspective about all of this is a blessing.  Usually it takes a good long time before somebody gets to detox or rehab.  There have been many many broken promises, terribly embarrassing occurrences, blackouts, break ups, divorces, custody battles, firings, evictions of the heart and the soul. 

There have been promises, oh how we alcoholics love to make promises.  And it's not even that we don't mean them with all our being at the time, it's just that WE FAIL.  Over and over and over.  WE WILL FAIL.  And yet, we want you to believe us.  To give us just one more chance after we've already exhausted so many chances and thrown them in your face.  We still want you to believe in us and help us just ONE MORE TIME.  It will be different.  I will get better.  I will do it for you.  I will do it for my kids.  I will do it for my family.  I will do it for my boyfriend.  BULLSHIT. 

I know it's bullshit because I have used every single excuse and reason there is to justify that I went out and drank again.  That I hid it in Tupperware containers all over your apartment because I am incredibly shameful and yet, still not ready to quit.  I know it's bullshit because I picked being homeless and penniless and hopeless over a nice warm AA meeting with free coffee.  This only works when we do it for ourselves. When we decide we are enough and we are worthy.

EVERYONE HAS GIVEN UP ON ME.  Everyone has given up on me except for other drunks.  Other drunks extend their hand and say, "I have been where you are and I understand and I will help you up.  AS LONG AS YOU ARE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOURSELF."

Who could expect our loved ones who we have burned repeatedly for years with our lies and our deception and broken promises to give us more?   And yet, they do, and this person I'm really really close to is beating himself up saying, "I'm an enabler."  Of course you are.  You love this person and the hardest thing to do is to cut off the love and help you think you are giving someone who so desperately needs it.

The thing with us drunks is, we so desperately need help, but until we WANT help?  Nothing makes a lick of difference. 

I'm confident saying I was a big fat liar, cheater, manipulator and all around bad person when I was drinking.  I didn't want to be, but that's what I was.  And as desperately sad and without any hope at all as I was, I still drank and did terrible things to keep up the lies.  BECAUSE I WAS SICK and I didn't take responsibility for anything.   Until I stepped up and OWNED every bad decision I made, I was going to continue to be sick and continue that cycle, hurting everyone who loved me and invested their time, love, energy and resources on me.  It was like a big FUCK YOU to everyone who loved me.

The fact that I CHOOSE HOPE today is a miracle.  And I believe in miracles as I am one.  I shouldn't be here and I know many many others who shouldn't be here either.  If life were fair, we would be dead.  Or at least not nearly as blessed as we are. 

With that in mind, we cannot give up on people who are sick.  But we do have to take care of ourselves first.  You know that whole, "when the oxygen mask comes down, put it on yourself first before you help others?" Yeah, life and dealing with addicts/alcoholics is like that too.  YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.  You are no good to anyone if you are completely depleted of resources, love and hope.  Put that oxygen mask on and BREATHE DEEP.  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for anyone's sobriety.  ONLY THAT PERSON is responsible.  I promise you.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 58

This is a great symbol to me of good clean fun.  Save me the "soda is bad for you" routine, I rarely drink it and sometimes it's the only thing that hits the spot.

There is so much to love this Thursday, it's difficult to pick one Thing.  And that one thing today is that I am pretty raw.  And that suits me just fine.  I am far from blocked off, as far as what I share for the greater good.  Let me explain:

I was asked to do an interview, along with Mary Tyler Mom, a fantastic writer and blogger who also happens to be in Chicago, and I am so proud to be her friend.  Anyway, we met up with this writer for a Chicago magazine last night at a little cafe in our neighborhood and chatted over delicious, but a rare treat for me, Coca Colas.

People know MTM as a Cancer Mom.  And she is.  Boy is she ever.  And the most gracious and devoted advocate for Pediatric Cancer I know and honestly, her story of her daughter Donna changed my life and tons of other people's lives around the world.  And now, being friends with MTM has shown me she is SO MUCH MORE than Cancer Mom.  It's her passion and her calling, just like I am Sobriety Girl and more recently, IVF and TWINS LADY.  And yet, I am SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. 

Sometimes, not for long, but sometimes, I forget.  I sit in a fancy little place like that with two healthy babies growing in my belly with two successful moms who have lives that are good and relatively normal and I forget.  We sit there and chat and answer questions as if I am one of them.  And today, I kind of am like them.  I kind of belong to that club of women who have it all, who struggle -  AS EVERYONE DOES and if they don't admit it they're lying -  but who are incredibly blessed.

The truth is, I NEVER FORGET.  I blog about my story and where I've come from so I don't ever forget.  I talk about my story a lot so I never ever forget or take for granted that I am ONLY in this position because I am sober.  That I am not just like them.  I AM A DRUNK - surprise!  And you all know I'm grateful for that.  But the truth is, if they have wine while sitting there talking they can go on about their daily lives, if I have wine, my entire universe and everyone in it is fucked.

The lovely woman who was interviewing us last night asked, "how does it feel to be so RAW?"  Well, I am never good at spur of the moment answers, and I tend to trip over my words until I am behind a screen with a keyboard and then I can find my words.  RAW?  Well, when you've lost everything and you crawl back out to try to make a life for yourself, the word RAW doesn't occur to you.  You just do whatever you can do to make your life work. 

Am I an impostor in my own life?  Sometimes it feels that way.  When I'm somewhere new and nobody knows my story and my situation, I feel like an impostor.  Like I should have a big sign on my forehead that says, "I am a drunk who's not drinking and a smoker who's not smoking, so please consider this your warning"  But I don't have that.  I just look like a normal person, but I'm not a normal person.  I bet most of us feel that way.  I am not the only one with a back story and a story that is CRITICAL I keep in front of my face AT ALL TIMES.    But I don't have to keep it in YOUR face at all times.  It's my responsibility.  When you are in recovery, it has to be a constant thing, 24 hours a day, not just when it's convenient. 

It's not just not ordering a drink at a cafe, it's being responsible, whenever and wherever somebody is asking for help, I am responsible.  It doesn't mean I am responsible FOR THAT PERSON.  BUT I am responsible to carry the message of hope and recovery.  And I can honestly say I do. No matter how inconvenient it is or even if I just don't feel like it, I carry that damn message.  And it helps me be grateful.  All day, every day.  YOU all help keep me sober.  We help each other.  I have reminders of OH MY GOD, HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?  Meaning, I seriously pinch myself and think, THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN I EVER COULD HAVE DREAMED.  Even on the shittiest of days, it's still so much better than my best days drunk.  

And the reason is because I have been so RAW.  I am going to say that is my Thing I Love this Thursday.  Being raw.  I am happy to be known as Sobriety Girl or Drunk Girl who is not drinking today, or whatever I am characterized as.  I know that without this, I have nothing.   I am that and so much more, but at the core, that is who I am and I have no shame about that.  It is because I am a drunk who is in recovery that I get to be a mom.  And a way better mom than I would have been had I not gone through all this.  And one day, I will proudly share my story and this blog with my kids.  They will know about their mom.  I can't stop them from taking their own path, but I can tell them my experience, strength and hope.  So, if that makes me raw, so be it.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to.  It sure feels way more than it ever did, that's for damn sure. 

We have to feel the really really bad and the really really good to experience life.  No numbing.  No running away.  Just feeling.  Sitting with it and experiencing all that life has to offer.  If you numb it out, it is still there.  It doesn't go away.  It's always there until we deal with it.  I find if I just get to the business of dealing with the shit, I get to deal with the sweet that much more.  Like, for example, having a sweet delicious Coca Cola with two lovely ladies talking about how great life is through grateful tears and laughter. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 57

Hey!  Did you know that November is Gratitude Month?  Well, it makes sense since Thanksgiving falls in November that folks get reflective, right?  I'm all about gratitude as you well know, AND IT'S NOT FOR A DAY OR A WEEK OR A MONTH OF THE YEAR, BUT EVERY DAY ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I found this great passage relating to A.A. and gratitude - and I love this part -

"Gratitude. It's a weighty, high-dignity word, but in truth its close companions are humor and joy. As Bill W. observed early on in the Big Book (p. 132), "Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others." What greater cause can there be for rejoicing than this?"

LAUGHTER.  People are sometimes horrified that we joke about these awful terrible things we did or what happened, but if we didn't laugh about it, we would constantly be in the fetal position crying and terrified.  So I say, let's LAUGH!  I just want to give back what was so freely given to me by so many who walked this path before I did.  And laughter and humor are a huge part of helping people who are trying to get better.  I laugh so much harder and more genuinely since I got sober, than I ever did when I was drinking or even before I ever drank.  Being a drunk has led me to happiness.  True happiness. 

Honestly, I am so grateful to be a drunk who is not drinking because I never would have known about gratitude if not for that whole LOSING EVERYTHING thing. 

I talk about gratitude lists a lot. Because they are critical to my sobriety and my keeping everything in perspective. I can be so grateful because I have been so hopeless. I haven't been hopeless for a long time, and for that, I have sobriety to thank.

On Facebook the last few years, I've seen people list something they are thankful for every day of November.  Which is all fine and good, but I say, why not do it every damn day of the year,  not just for one month.  Do you want a challenge?  I dare you to start making gratitude lists every day.  I do mine at night before I go to bed when I do what is called a 10th Step in the program.  It's taking a daily inventory of what you think you handled well, and what you could have done better in handling.  Honestly, it's a great way to end the day before putting it to bed, as we only have 24 hours. 

You've seen my standard gratitude lists before -

1. sobriety
2. roof over my head
3. my dear sweet husband
4. my job
5. kitties
6. nutritious food and clean water
7. friends and family
8. these two babes in my belly

That is just the base. It builds from there and can go into as much detail as you like. All I know is, being grateful for what I have and laughing about just about everything helps me to stay sober and help others every day. You certainly don't need to be sober or working a 12 Step program to do gratitude. It happens when you are thankful and open to the little things that make this life so great. It's all around us.

We don't have a lot.  But we have so much.  Instead of whining and complaining, for the most part, I choose gratitude and hope.  Even for the shitty parts.  I have my moments, OF COURSE, every human does.  But I accept every part of what has been my life and try to learn and grow from it.  Sometimes it doesn't happen for years that I understand what things meant or why they happened and there are many things I will just never understand and that is OK.  I don't need to understand everything. 

Here's what I do know, as I posted last night -  

I'm pretty sure the stinky boozey homeless dude sits next to me on the train because I've been the stinky boozey homeless dudette. And I look him in the eye. Compassion doesn't take time off.

and then -

I always ask "where you headed?" And say oh I've been to a good AA meeting around there. We try. That's the best we can do. Some are more open to chatting than others. Ill happily share my experience strength and hope with someone who wants to hear it.

I have compassion, but it had to be learned.  I had to go through what I did in order to feel compassion for those who are suffering and less than in society's eyes.  I can't force people to listen, and I don't want to.  People who want change will be open to it and those who aren't ready, won't.  There is nothing we can do to help except for try without being forceful.  Nobody wants that forceful preaching, including me.  I'm grateful for compassion.  I'm grateful for what I've been through and knowing that others are going through it right now and much worse and I am here to help if I can. 

So, the Thing I Love this Thursday is gratitude.  Gratitude lists if you will.   Try it.  What have you got to lose?  I should add that I am grateful for all you readers out there.  I bet there are amazing gratitude lists out there.  From truly amazing people.   Let's be truly truly grateful.  Not just this month.  But for every day. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 56

When I woke up this morning I had a very different idea of what this TILT would be.  Then I got to work and opened my Facebook and saw that I was invited to an event online - called "Katy's Baby Shower!"

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL!?!?!

I went over there and found and a bunch of fellow bloggers and online friends had made up an event for Hall & Oates and Christopher and I that had me in tears and disbelief.  How is it possible that all these people that may or may not even exist in real life had given me such a gift?  Psssst, I think they are real.  And they are big lovely assholes.  As in:

and - 

Both of these were hand crafted by the lovely lady over at The Crumb Diaries

There was the sweet -

From a lovely lady who has been around for a long time and one of my favorite virtual friends. 

from my dear friend at Don't Pet the Sweaty Stuff who knows my feeling on crocs.  But how can you argue with this nonsense?  You can't. 

Something political - hold on!

From my dear Frugalista Blog

And the risque!

Does this give you an idea of the epic nonsense over there?  It is FANTASTICAL.  By the very talented Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness photoshopped, OF COURSE.  But that is my dear sweet dumpster husband and I.  Badass, no?

I mean, there were spazz dancing videos and pictures of all things related to babies and more specifically to Hall & Oates and my husband and I.  I can't begin to share everything that was posted there, the love and the funny is something I will go back and look at over and over and over. 

And her heart grew 8 sizes that day.

I am BLOWN AWAY by the kindness of strangers and yet, they're not really strangers if they know me so well now are they?  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is this kindness.  This generosity, this connection.  These people actually read what I write and pay attention to what I love and what I'm about.  When in the world did that happen?  People were saying really nice things about me and my writing and I'm just in shock, really.  So, I'm needing some time to digest it all and while I do, I wanted to share just a taste of what happened over there.  Again, I have only scratched the surface on what went on over there, and I couldn't possibly post everything by everyone that was so lovingly thought out and shared there.  FOR ME.  I am so so so grateful for the people I've met through this blog.  It's truly magical the connections we can form if we are open to it. 

p.s. if you were not in on that shower, but want to send me virtual wishes or videos or pics, PLEASE DO!  I'm at kitkatkootie1@gmail.com or you can always post to my wall on the Facebook Page. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 55

I have a SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT.  I am not the first person to ever have babies. Take a moment. I know, I know.  I should have given you more warning, but there it is. 

We all recovered from that revelation?  OK, good.

I liken this whole being a mama thing for the first time to sobriety and how I am certainly not the first person to get sober and to try to help other people get sober WHEN THEY ASK FOR HELP.  Not unsolicited, mind you.  I ain't no door to door salesman on sobriety, or babies.  Or ANYTHING for that matter, because nobody likes that and it gets doors slammed in your face everywhere you go.  Lead by example is always the best way to be, in my experience. 

The mamas I know that I admire don't tell me how or what I should be doing.  They just do their deal and I watch and admire and try to soak up their awesomeness.  And they don't keep saying "JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE POOP EVERYWHERE and THINGS ARE MISERABLE AND YOU NEVER SLEEP AGAIN."  They let me experience every feeling I feel for the first time and don't try to squelch my joy about it.  They let me experience it myself.  And isn't that what we all want?  To feel and experience life as it comes and not have someone TELL US what we are going to see and do and feel?  We can form those reactions on our own, thankyouverymuch.

I ASK QUESTIONS.  Some of the mamas in my life are sick to death of my questions, I am sure, but they are patient and kind and let me ask and deal with my ignorance in a loving way.  I am so fortunate to have online and real life friends who I admire and who let me ask anything and share my every thought and feeling with them and they are just joyful with me.  I am so so grateful for that. 

SO, I kind of think of mamas, and papas for that matter, I admire as Sponsors.  Or at least people I really really admire in the program of AA and I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE.  See where I'm going with this?

People write and tell me they are drunks and OH MY GOD TELL ME WHAT TO DO! You all know what I say, I say GO TO AN AA MEETING.  What do you have to lose? That's ALWAYS my answer.  Even after reading my blog all this time where I extol the virtues of the program in helping me get and stay sober, be happy joyous and free, PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO DO THE WORK.  They don't want to go to AA meetings and certainly don't want to do the hard work of the 12 steps.  Or really change anything about their lives because it's all WORKING OUT SO GREAT RIGHT NOW.   Because that's fine for you Katy, but not for me.  BUT HOW DO I GET THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU HAVE?  See what I am dealing with here?  They still think they are different and can do it on their own. I cannot do the work for you.  AND IT IS HARD. 

Most of the time I never hear from them again.  But sometimes I hear back and people say they went and they are doing better.  Not everything is all fixed and life is perfect and we're all skipping along singing Kumbaya better, but better.

The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is that so many have walked before me in both being a drunk and having babies. You never truly know an experience until you walk through it yourself but there are basic structures in place to guide us. We don't have to wander blindly because people are there to take our hand and lead the way. If we let them.

I leave you with some structured goodness from our Infant CPR class we took the other night. 

I had this little guy.

And Dumpster Husband had this little guy.

EQUALLY TERRIFYING.  And there were two of them. 

The fact that one was black and one was white is delicious.  

If you've ever been in one of these classes you know this line, "BABY, BABY, ARE YOU OK?"  Well the answer is NO, and you go through the whole CPR strategy and hopefully get them breathing again.  Now, say a lady wears her red red lipstick everywhere she goes and has to breathe into a baby's mouthholes and noseholes to get them breathing?  You best wipe that shit off before diving in.  Which I did...and we have this plastic mouth shield thing, because, you know, germs.  GROSS. 

The best part was this video that the nurse leading the class played so we compress the tiny baby's chest to the beat, THIS BEAT:

So when you are completely freaking out and giving CPR to your teeny tiny baby, at least you can still get your disco on.  So that's good.

ALSO, I am almost 26 weeks pregnant and as we were sitting in that class, I SAW my stomach moving for the first time.  Like punches.  From my little girl, is my guess.   I started giggling so hard and loud and grabbed my husband's hand, but of course she stopped.  We are now playing the game of OH THERE IT IS!  and then no, it's gone.  He'll feel it soon.  He's got to.  They are dancing up a STORM in there.  Woke me up at 5 am with their shenanigans.  WHY I OUGHTA......



This Thursday, I am grateful and in love with those who walk before me with grace and dignity and love and patience.  In sobriety and in babydom.  I salute you!

Things I Love Thursday - Part 54 - 11 YEARS SOBER

TODAY I AM 11 YEARS SOBER.

It's a big fucking deal.  I do shout it out.  I do make a big to do out of this every year because even though we only have this one day sober, it adds up and to me, it's worth celebrating.  Way more so than my earth birthday, which came and went without much ado this year, thankfully.  THIS is the shit worth celebrating for me these days. 

When I was in my last of many many detox's and then psych wards years ago (they put me in the psych ward because I was having such severe hallucinations while coming off booze, I needed to be monitored for that shit), I walked into an art therapy session (yes, it was as awful and cliche as you see in tv and movies) and the hippy dippy trippy leader of the class, an older lady wearing danskos and a lovely jumper with birds on it, said, "I've been where you are now and I promise you it gets better". 

I looked at her with my weary and doubtful eyes that had no spark of hope and said, "how long have you been sober?" And she just said, "Since I woke up this morning."

I was in no mood for cute little sayings from AA people.  NO MOOD.  And she saw that and said, "11 years, but really, just for today.  That's all any of us have.  I woke up today and said I wouldn't drink and Higher Power willing, I won't."   Hmmmm, hippy dippy trippy sober for 11 years, wonder why she's on my heart today?

That stuck with me as have so many other little interactions through the years.  Both before I got sober, if I remember them, and afterwards.  October 4, 2011.  That is the date that everything changed in such a profound way that when I look back on it now I almost cannot believe that it was me.  But I own it all. I know it was me and I know this is me all these years later continuing to strive for more, for better, for true joy.  Each year has been different.  There have been many phases to my sobriety, some plateaus, some negative spells.  It's not all magically fixed because you get sober.  There is a lot of hard work to do.  And only I am responsible.  I can't blame anyone or anything else for the wreckage I caused.  And I'm still making amends.  And that's ok. 

The magnitude of gratitude I feel for being sober today is the most POWERFUL WEAPON in my arsenal against getting drunk.  Truly.  I see people who aren't grateful for who and what they have and they are miserable.  Why wouldn't they drink?  You have to replace the hole in your soul with something good.  With something enriching.  With something that KEEPS YOU GOING EVERY DAMN DAY whether you feel tip top or not.

I have shitty days, but my worst day sober is always better than my best day drunk.  ALWAYS.  See, that's one of those annoying little sayings that people in AA say and newcomers just want to PUNCH US IN THE G-D FACE.  I still want to punch me in the face when I hear myself saying all this cheesy shit sometimes.  But today I just smile, shake my head, and say, IT IS SO TRUE. 

My little mama sent me a text today saying, "I get you be with you on your anniversary 2 years in a row, honey!" And I know that means the world to her because they lived through it all with me and were integral in me getting sober - I know nothing, and then that first year.

What I know for sure is, every damn day, I made a gratitude list.  It is the MOST IMPORTANT THING I DO EACH DAY.    I am having twins.  And that is supremely important, but if I am not sober and doing what I need to do to stay sober and happy, these babies are SCREWED.  And, I got sober for me first.  These babies and my husband come second.  That sounds harsh, but it's absolutely the truth.  I cannot stay sober for my babies.  I need to stay sober for MYSELF. 

Gratitude List for Today (not in order of importance necessarily, except for number 1, without which I HAVE NOTHING).

1. SOBRIETY.  Just for today.  And ok, for 11 years of continuous, good and strong sobriety.  and of course, the program and people in AA and my Higher Power helping me along.
2. Being alive and not dead.
3. Furries who love us unconditionally.
4. My wonderful husband.
5. My miracle babies, Hall & Oates, growing so healthy in my belly. 
6. Being completely healthy in body, mind and spirit (if I keep doing the hard work).
7. A roof over my head and luxuries I never dreamed of that most in the world don't have.
8. Healthy and delicious food to eat and clean water to drink.
9. A great job that pays me money every day to do a job I mostly enjoy very much - WITH BENEFITS.
10. Friends that are absolutely there for me and get me.

That's my basic list every single day.  And I build from there.  But with a list like that, who can complain about anything?  Not I said the fly. 

So, here's to another year sober, and more than that, another year happy, joyous and free.  Hopefully for all of us.  We strive for this.  We want this.  We can have this.  One day at a time. 



p.s. I've linked a couple posts here, as you can see.  It's like a treasure hunt of sobriety in these links.  I write about my experience, strength and hope A LOT.  In fact, it's all I write about.  I have said before that I believe I was given this second chance at life to reach out and to help other people who are struggling with this.  Or just struggling and need to know they are not alone and that, hey, whatever you've done or been through, chances are, I've been there, done that - if not worse. PLEASE click on the links to get more insight into where I've been and that I know what I'm talking about.