The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING IN THE MOMENT. Or rather, trying my damnedest to be in the moment.
|TEENY TINY COFFEE CUP CHEERS TO YOU!|
The servers all want to hear all about the babies and then feel badly as I don't have a voice to talk. But they smile and coo and are so excited for me. I told my husband as we were walking around downtown the other day that people like to smile at me. He saw it too and started saying, "oh, she just smiled at you!" And it's true. I am that pregnant lady that I would smile at before. I am her.
As I've tried so hard to be in the moment through this entire process, since getting sober really, but especially since we've gone through IVF and then being pregnant, I am in the moment today. Being in the moment is difficult. It is something that takes practice and perseverance. And no whining - or getting over the whining RIGHT QUICK. And I've done my share of whining the past couple weeks as I've been so sick. The babes are sucking all my healing out and that's OK, I just want to be able to do my best for them when we go into labor.
This is my one time to be pregnant. We have special circumstances that I don't talk about here out of privacy, but this is it. And as you well know, I am the first and only woman to ever BE pregnant, and I have really enjoyed the hell out of it. I've had such an easy pregnancy all things considered. Or maybe I'm just so grateful to be pregnant that I just have made the best of it this whole time, but this couple weeks of being sick has rocked me. I find myself whining and crying and feeling badly and thinking, this just sucks.
It doesn't suck. I'm still pregnant with super healthy Hall & Oates and they are not wanting to come out on their own, obviously, so we will induce at 38 weeks, which is roughly January 6, 2013. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
|Here's looking at you kids. No make up or nothin'. Just braids and an owl hat.|
I am so grateful for him and my life that it literally hurts my heart to think of how amazingly lucky I am. I'm sitting in this diner in this amazing city I live in with a laptop thinking, "AM I A WRITER? WHO'S LIFE IS THIS? AM I REALLY PREGNANT? OH MY GODS THEY ARE COMING IN A MATTER OF DAYS! WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM?"
See? Random thoughts. But when I really think about it, not so random at all. This is my life. This is our life. We created it. We made it by our choices and what was thrown at us. What did we do with that? How did we handle it? What did we choose about our circumstances? To accept and make the best of them or to complain and be a victim?
These are the moments. These are the thoughts. These are the times that define our lives and Ferris Bueller had it right, if we don't slow down and look around every once in a while, we miss it. So, I feel like shit. This is the only time that I will get to say, I am so super sick but it's OK, because I'm giving everything I have to my babies, who are healthy and we get to meet them so very soon.
I'm sure you're tired of my rambling, but this is where I am today. I have two women at our apartment deep cleaning it right now before babies and my little mama come to stay with us. This is such a luxury for me, it feels odd and entitled and yet, I am justifying it by saying, HEY I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY AND IF I WANT TO SPEND SOME OF IT THIS WAY IT IS ALL GOOD. I am huge. I am sick. I am overwhelmed. And I'm giving my husband and myself a gift. And that's OK.
I was just telling a friend this morning that FEAR IS OK. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT FEAR, I PROMISE YOU. Now, if I can 't take my own advice, I'm just full of hot air. And we all know I'm only full of babies and hope and love, no room for hot air.
I am in this moment of being terrified and being grateful and being sick and being excited. I am feeling ALL THE FEELINGS and man, does that ultimately feel good. I'm not tamping it down with booze or even smokes these days. I am feeling the shit out of this shit. And it is good. Even when it's not. Know what I mean?
All the feelings, girl. All of em. Love to you and your owl hat and your babies and your cats and that dreamy husband of yours. Life is good.ReplyDelete
If you think people smile at you now, just WAIT until they see Hall and Oates in their Thing 1 and Thing 2 hats, all bundled up in a double stroller!!! AWWWWWWWWWWW! See?? I'm cheesin' already :D I hope you feel better soon~it totally sucks to be sick. Also, if you start feeling bad about the house cleaners then you can just send them to my house. I guarantee you I won't feel a single second of guilt watching them scrub and vacuum all the shit in my house...xoxo. So happy you're choosing hope and sobriety today!ReplyDelete
I love you. That is all.ReplyDelete
I LOVE that you are the pregnant woman that you used to smile at :) that's so cute and so awesome. That pic of you is the most adorable I have seen thus far. I love it, and I love you, Hall and Oates!ReplyDelete
Love to you Katie, Hall & Oates, and DH! We all can't wait to see those gorgeous babies! Stay happy and be well :)ReplyDelete
You made me smile big! My heart is full for you! What a beautiful place to be! :)ReplyDelete
Oh and I love your owl hat and braids!
You must have a cozy womb or the babies like vegan food :) Keep up the good work momma. As the first pregnant woman ever (carrying twins no less) I think you're doing an amazing job. And holy shit - 6 Jan is NOT far at all! Eliza and Grandmama will have a whole new life to adjust to. (Sally Boy's got this - he just doesn't know it yet ;) )ReplyDelete
Best Wishes KitKatKootie! :)
You are a ROCKSTAR for carrying twins to 38 weeks--or even 36 or wherever you are now. I so feel for you with being sick--I get sick a lot when I'm pregnant and it's miserable. Hang in there...ReplyDelete
Yahoo for house cleaners and diners and babies and that hat.ReplyDelete
Most adorable pregnant lady ever! Owl hat and no make-up and you are still beautiful. I am so excited for you, DH, and Hall and Oates. :)ReplyDelete
Really good post. feeling feelings this time of year is really hard. This was my third clean Christmas and i know exactly what you mean by not even smoking. I am filled with gratitude at the good the bad the beautiful the reality of my life. you are going to be a great mama.ReplyDelete
Good news Katy - having kids is fun. Having little babies is fun. And being parents is fun.You are are the verge od entering into the funnest years of your life. Hooray! With your awesome attitude, you're gonna have a blast.ReplyDelete
I just found your blog. I am pretty sure we are the same person :) I haven't eaten anything with a face in 16 years. And I am not a dick about it either.ReplyDelete
I am also in Chicago (north burbs) can we be besties?
Good luck with your precious new babies coming soon!
Love you so much, Katy <3 so happy for you and DH and little Hall & Oates. So thankful for you and this post as I needed a reminder that NOW will never happen again and that I need to stop and look around. Can't wait to see how beautiful those babies are!!ReplyDelete
Um, hello? You are totally gorgeous. ESPECIALLY without makeup. Adorable. And PERFECT. And you are going to be a fantastic mama. That belly button will someday become an innie again! And wowzers! I can't believe those babies are going to be here in 11 days. Seems like you've been pregnant for just a little minute. Sending you positive thoughts!!ReplyDelete
My birthday is January 7th. Wonderful time of year to have babies. I'll be praying for you to feel better so you can truly focus on labor and delivery. Your blessed and a wonderful person.ReplyDelete
As always, my beautiful friend, you are amazing. Keep doing what you do. And when you don't feel like doing what you do...keep doing it anyway. You are a blessing & I am so grateful for you & you sharing this amazing journey. I love feeling it with you. So excited those babies will be showing themselves very soon. You are gonna be great with them. You already are. Even when you don't feel like you are, you are.ReplyDelete
Keep trying to feel better & it's OK to be spoiled. You've deserve it. You do.
I love you.
You are just so super fantastic I can't tell you enough! So happy & excited that your blessings will be here in days! I love that even when you feel bad you find the good. You inspire me. Every. Damn. Day. I love you, Miss Katy! Thank you for helping me to become a better person!ReplyDelete
Katy your rocking this pregnancy!! As a mum of 3 already your hormones are doing what mine did too! You hire those cleaners and chill out, your busy already keeping those precious babies safe xxReplyDelete
Aw Peanut. As usual, you're doing brilliantly at keeping things in perspective. And keeping our sorry asses in perspective at the same time. (I didn't mean that part as a joke, but it made me giggle.) One of my favorite things to think about is how we all take what's thrown at us and deal with it in different ways. It's incredible how much power we have in our little brains to make choices. And what up with how adorable you are with no makeup?ReplyDelete
you look like you're 12 in that pic... baby having babies! i am so excited for you, i can't even find the words to type, so i won't even try. love you, kit10!ReplyDelete
Oh wow... You go girl!!! I'm so glad insane in the mom brain turned me on to you!!! I can't wait to see your babies!!!ReplyDelete
Wow, so close, you are going to be such an awesome mommy!ReplyDelete
thank you for sharing you amazing journey of hope and love and sobriety. Hall and Oates are lucky babies indeed!ReplyDelete
I very VIVIDLY recall being pregnant with my DS (now 7)....DH and I had tried for YEARS and were met with only heartache~ we too did IVF as a *this is our last shot*.....I enjoyed the f$@k out of that pregnancy~ I LOVED LOVED LOVED being pregnant. Even the bed rest, even being HUGE (and even when people kept insisting my due date MUST be wrong~ or I SURELY was having twins because I was SO pregnant).
You know what~ I also enjoyed every single moment of his babyness......late night breast feedings (even through a horrific bought of mastitis) I LOVED EVERY MOMENT! I would snuggle him as close to my face as I could~ smelling that intoxicating new baby smell~ memorizing each feature~ knowing it was going to pass so quickly.
Thank you for reminding me to be in the moment and have gratitude even when it's REALLY hard. I needed this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Blessings to you and your beautiful Dumpster family!
I remember when my oldest was born (now 6 and 3/4's if u ask him). As we were packing up to leave the hospital, I couldn't help thinking- are they really just gonna let me take him?? Just like that? I can just leave- with a tiny human- and no one is stopping me?? It was the strangest feeling, to know that not only had I created a human, but now I had to RAISE him too. Its scary. And amazing. Get ready, the best feelings are yet to come!!ReplyDelete