Back to our girl. She worked at home one day and was expecting an arrival of a very special maternity belt to keep her big huge belly bag full o' babies hiked up and her back from caving in completely. IT ARRIVED! The package arrived and the girl ran down the apartment building stairs so quickly in anticipation and bent down to pick up the package, and KABLAMMO the door slammed behind her.
Trapped in her building's 5 by 5 vestibule IN HER PAJAMAS and day old make up and unbrushed teeth and basically looking homeless, and I know homeless, but also hugely pregnant and it was getting dark. NO PHONE, NO KEYS, NO WATCH. NOTHING.
Here's the kicker. The stupid girl's husband had just told her on the phone upstairs that he was leaving work early and that meant a 45 minute train ride and he would be home to save her! So, she listened to many many train signals pass, thinking, he's got to be on this train. He's got to!
Nope. Nothing. And none of her neighbors came home either. Even if she could get to a phone, stupid girl is so stupid that she has no phone numbers memorized. They are all programmed into her cell phone, right? RIGHT? Who memorizes phone numbers any more? She found out later that her husband could not leave work early and he wasn't expected home until the normal time.
So, she hunkered down on the cold floor and put her arms in her tshirt and rubbed her belly saying, "this is all going to be fine, let's just meditate for a while." And it must have worked because all of a sudden her charming neighbor and 1 year old son arrived home. The stupid girl sobbed and sobbed and hugged her neighbor for way too long and made everybody really uncomfortable and then ran upstairs to find many many messages on her cell phone from people worried about her.
It turns out she had been trapped in that vestibule for about 4 HOURS. Standing and sitting and pacing and swearing and crying and laughing and yelling to her cat that she could hear meowyelling upstairs. Pretty much the encapsulating of her longago time in the loony bin. Except our girl is not loony, she's just pregnant with twins.
The girl was supposed to have a pre-natal massage that she missed and called that woman and cried apologetically. The girl's sister in law (who gifted the girl the massage) thought the girl had been in an accident. Nope, sorry. Just pregnant stupid.
The girl was so angry at herself, still kind of is, but the bright side is, she had 4 hours uninterrupted of thought without phones or electronics or anyone tugging at her sleeve. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. It turns out the girl must have gone into a meditative state where she didn't even realize how long she was down there, and the most amazing, miraculous thing happened! SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO PEE FOR FOUR WHOLE HOURS!
She wasn't frantically keeping up with emails or phone calls for work, not checking Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest for the 85th time in an hour. She was simply being. Now, this girl has paid to go on retreats where this happens. Turns out she didn't need to pay anybody to get the meditative time she craved, she simply had to use her powers of pregnant stupidity to get locked out for four hours wearing pajamas and then, just be.
I don't have a picture of the awesomeness of the stupid girl that happened yesterday, but I do have this, which is today -
|PUT A BIRD ON IT.|
If only we knew who this girl was in real life, we could really all point and laugh at her, right? Just remember. Please be kind to her if you see her. She's fragile. And she's usually kind to you.
Katy, you make me laugh and cry at the same time. I am just so dang happy for you and your husband. You look beautiful with those babies in your belly. You are rockin it girl!ReplyDelete
Oh, how I love this Formerly Smart Girl who is Now the Stupidest Girl that Ever Lived. I love her lots.ReplyDelete
No way would I laugh at that girl. i would hug her in empathy...cause this girl has "been there, done that". I almost got stuck in between my car and another car one afternoon because the other car had parked a smidge to close to my car. I'm still not sure how the hello I squeezed myself into my car. Also, got soaked to the bone on the way through the parking lot by a sudden storm (a freaking wall of water that I could see coming straight for me). I had left work early to go to the dentist. Ended up having to call said dentist and let them know that I would be late because I had to go home and change clothes...and line my car seat with towels because it was then soaked from the ride home. Shoes were soaked, underwear, socks...I was a mess. (That one wasn't really my fault, but I did cry when I called my dentist. I cried over everything when I was pregnant.)ReplyDelete
Golllll-y! I so enjoy your writing. Amazing, heart gutting and gut wrenchingly funny. I'm glad you err I mean the SGE is fine and all is well in the world again. Keep on keeping on :)ReplyDelete
Good Lord. That's terrible. Four hours is a ridiculously long time not to pee for a pregnant (with TWINS!) lady. Whatta day.ReplyDelete
OMG, Katy. A true blonde moment and HIGH FIVE for the Portlandia reference, says the girl who left her heart in Portland. Blame it on the pregnancy brain; it makes the best and brightest of us do the dumbest stuff. Thanks for letting us laugh at--er, I mean WITH you. =DReplyDelete
When life throws you lemons...meditate the shit out of them. ;-)ReplyDelete
Thanks for the laugh! SO glad you didn't have to pee!ReplyDelete
FYI - the brain power kids suck from you doens't come back.
Big thing to think about:The Mind of a "I want a Dumpsterbaby" is Very Strong even under hars cicumstances and electronic devices don't have to Rule over You, You Rule over Yourself and the Twins. You look Great !!! Kas Tiersma xxxReplyDelete
...and don't forget how FABU-LICIOUS you look at 34 weeks with TWINS!!! That's ALWAYS another up-side! Glad you *EVENTUALLY* found happiness in your excursion last night!! LOLReplyDelete
Love this one! I would adore 4 hours of uninterrupted time...I'm proud of the not-stupid girl for not freaking out and trying to claw her way out. That stuff ruins nails you know! <3ReplyDelete
"However, this girl happened to be about 34 weeks pregnant with her twins who were literally sucking every resource out of her and leaving her with nothing to function on but her looks and her humor. Both of which are quickly fading as well." --- I beg to differ. You're still a smoking hot biddy and funny as all get out. I love you. <3ReplyDelete
My best fried locked herself out of her house for 2 hours wearing an oversized t-shirt (no bra, no pants) and her son's rain boots. In the snow. The moral of this story is: pregnant stupid turns into mom stupid and there is no turning back. It is high time you found this out.ReplyDelete
P.S. Glad you found the up-side of this. Glass half full, girl. Glass half full.
My best fried? FRIEND. I think they call it proof-reading. I should look into it.Delete
P.P.S. (or is it P.S.S?) I'm a new diver. I stumbled on your blog through Facebook (God, I love Facebook) and I LOVE IT TO BITS AND PIECES. Thanks for the laughs.
Total sympathy for the brain and looking gorgeous with your pregnant self. :)ReplyDelete
The whole time reading it I kept thinking about you having to pee... and then you told us about not having to pee! I feel relieved, and also like we just all witnessed a holiday miracle, because come on, you're pregnant WITH TWINS and no bathroom for 4 hours??? Miracle!ReplyDelete
Awww hun you must have been so sad, and scared and tired. Big hugs from Virginia. I used to call this mommy-brain and we all get it, especially after after the 30th week of pregnancy. I'm so glad that it turned out okay and you got some time alone to think and be with Hall and Oates. Gosh, what a day!ReplyDelete
I am glad you were able to get back in sooner then later!!Your Awesome! and you look AMAZING!!ReplyDelete
Oh no!! I did something similar when I was pregnant. Thankfully, our neighbors down the street just HAPPENED to have our spare set of keys (left over from when they kitty-sat over our last vacation)... and HAPPENED to be at home, thank God. So, no four-hour wait for me. Have to agree, though, with all the other commenters who say that pregnancy brain turns into mommy brain. And you are going to LOVE every minute of it, I promise!! :)ReplyDelete
Moral of the story is: you are awesome-sauce!! And your building totally needs a doorman ;)ReplyDelete
Ahhh Katy. You rule. You makamelaugh!!!ReplyDelete
Oh no my Katy Girl! This is the very reason I adore you so, and actually do NEED you: You make everything OK. I heart you my love!ReplyDelete
I may love you until the end of time!!! Those twins are gonna have the funniest mama :)ReplyDelete
Awwww Poor girl :( If it will make you feel better, I know a stupid girl who got stuck behind her television for 3 hours when she was housing baby. She yelled at her dog, who was staring at her dumb butt for hours.... :) It's all good... Glad you, um, I mean she was rescued.ReplyDelete
There is a term for this.. it's called mommy mush-brain and unfortunately it seems to get WORSE after they're born!!! You must be one of the most awesome pregnant women EVER!! Enjoy every last thing knowing the best is always yet to come! Those are the luckiest babies ever to have a mom who can keep her cool through all that..ReplyDelete
There will be one day, when you may wish for this to happen again. Alone time is sacred once children are born. :) I love your writing. Thank you for sharing it with all of us! :)ReplyDelete
I wouldn't laugh at her....I would hug her fabulous pajamaed ass and thank her for being awesome.ReplyDelete
Katy. Now I'm thinking it just may be the belly band that had something to do with you getting locked out. Those maternity contraptions are crayzeee. But they make you look sassy cute, so I guess they're not all that bad. 4 freaking hours. Oh my god.ReplyDelete
Oh my! I can remember to some of the awful "dumb" things I did when I was pregnant with my twins, and even with my daughter. Gotta love "prego brain" and I swear it's worse with twins than it is a singleton LOL. I wouldn't laugh, instead I would just give her a hug and tell her how amazing and wonderful she is, and that I've been there, and no what it's like. So glad your neighbor came home and let you out ;)ReplyDelete
Holy eff! SO glad you were in a meditative state and didn't have to pee in the vestibule!ReplyDelete