Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Calling ALL Big Babies! Big Babies, Party of One, Please Report Here!

GODS DAMMIT THIS SUCKS!

I've been sick since last Thursday, meaning, ears and throat mostly, like freaking GINZU KNIVES CUTTING CLEAN THROUGH RC CANS sick, and it will NOT GO AWAY.  Add all that onto being 35 weeks preggo with twins, and you've got yourself a BIG HUGE BABY.   Meaning, Moi. 

I can't really take much in the way of meds as SURPRISE!!!!  I'm pregnant.   So, it's suffer like a big giant hero suffers or cut my own head off. 

And believe me, the cutting my own head off is tempting.

I went to the ER yesterday as my nurse practitioner said to, in order to get some relief, probably antibiotics, as it hadn't gotten better for decades.  I mean, days.

As I sat in the waiting room with all the really sickly sick dying and decaying and pathetic sounds and smells of an ER (and that was all just coming from me), I thought, JESUS CHRIST SUCK IT UP IT CANNOT BE THAT BAD.

And yet every time I swallow, I start crying.  It is THAT BAD.  But still, no fever, no strep (they confirmed it) and no flu, or anything else tangible they can put their fingers on.

And the worst part for someone like me, who loves to hear the sound of her own Chicago accent is I LOST MY FREAKING VOICE TWO DAYS AGO.  So I can't talk.  Period. I had to whisper everything at the ER and they all looked at me like I was nuts, even more so when I said in my loudest whisper yell, "ISN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?"

And they sweetly smile and say, "no, you just have to wait this one out, you'll get better soon."

Well, let me tell you that screamwhispering "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS"  loses a bit of its menacing quality when screamed as a whisper. Not that I would know this.  Or anything like that, I just happened to dream about it while I was in the ER for four hours yesterday where the only real thing they did was a throat culture.  Misplaced anger anyone?

I even got all dramatic saying, "it's endangering my babies as I can't swallow and I've lost weight." and they said, "well, just make sure you hydrate and take your vitamins and drink Ensure and keep eating soft foods." (see disclaimer at the end please)

I then got really desperate and threw myself on the floor grabbing at scrub pant legs and doctor coats with wild abandon screaming, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE WORST PAIN THAT ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO ENDURE EVER!"  To which they all replied, "name and birth date please?"

And so it goes.  And I keep playing out this tape in my head, "Katy, listen you selfish immature big huge baby, there is REAL suffering going on in the world, GET OVER IT."  But then I swallow and the tears come and it's onward with the same cycle.  Plus, every time I try to sleep I cough so hard I think I see babies shooting across the room, and that is not helping.

Today, I am choosing to stop with the whining and choosing hope that this has GOT to get better.  I want to be at my absolute best when I go into labor.  Can I also just say that my Dear Sweet Dumpster Husband has been so  incredible I cannot even begin to tell you.  Cooking and cleaning and shopping and making sure I have what I need at all times?  HE IS THE SUPER HERO.



And I've been offline for the bulk of the last week, due to the I'M DYING party of one nonsense, which it turns out was a good thing.  So much sadness and heartache and devastation and then everybody putting their two cents in about the whole damn thing.  I don't have to put my opinion out there.  In a way, this sickness has helped me keep my big fucking mouth silent - really and truly - and that is a gift.  See?  We can turn anything into a bright side if we try hard enough.

I leave you with one of my favs, and one of yours too I'm sure.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It always does.  The good and the bad.   






DISCLAIMER before anybody gives me shit, the babies are absolutely fine.  They were checked and rechecked and we go back again tomorrow.  These babes are like royalty, I swear.  This post is for the FUNNY.  So please, if you are about to lecture me about shit, turn it inward, m'kay?  thanksverymuch.  And just the fact that I wanted to write is a good indicator that I'm feeling better, so, little jumpy "YAAAY" with tiny little sad pom poms.




28 comments:

  1. No lectures, just love. And please refrain from shooting babies across the room until we are all properly masked and gloved.

    Feel better. <3

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  2. Glad you're feeling better Katy!!

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  3. I had the razor blades in the ears & throat thing a couple of years ago. I went to the doctor twice because it kept getting worse and swallowing made me cry too. The 2nd time I went it I was a little overly-dramatic and said that they were treating me like a drug-seeking addict when all I wanted was something to make it all better. The nurse, in all of her nonsense, offered a kind smile and said, "At least it's not as bad as when you broke your leg."

    How dare she! The nerve of her to neutralize my self righteous anger like that!

    Love and light to you my dear. Smooches

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  4. I'm so sorry you're sick-with-the-knives-in-your-throat-sickness. Because that sucks big monkey balls. (NOT that I know what sucking big monkey balls is like, I would just assume it's
    awful). I am super glad, however, that your sense of humor is as fucking funny as usual! Big hugs!!

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  5. Not only are you the only woman who's ever had a baby, let alone twins... you're the only one who's been sick during the pregnancy. Sorry KitKat - feel better soon. Glad you haven't shot the babies out while coughing - but what a visual lol!

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  6. I remember my Dr told me regular Sudafed, but I never made it to 35 weeks my baby was born at 33 weeks, I will tell you what though, next time I get sick, I will ride it out in your honor, my Great Dumpster Queen..BTW I love your hubby, mine would do the same, and wait till he gets to do it for Hall & Oates :) it will make you cherish him even more

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  7. We seem to be in the same boat, doll, except for the 35 weeks pregnant with twins part. Although, I would absolutely LOVE to be pregnant again! Chris is all "NO MORE BABIES" and I'm all "But my biological clock is ticking and I loved being pregnant and it's no fair that I only got to do it once!" and Chris is still all "I've been snipped so NO MORE BABIES." Wah wah wah.
    Anyway...
    Knives in your throat and ears suck. Here's to us both feeling better soon! xoxo

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  8. :) Love to see your sense of humor shining through. :) Feel better!

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  9. Shaking my tiny sad little pompoms in your honor. Love you...xo

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  10. Oooh girl. I had theworst sore throat in the history of time and space while pregnant with my last baby. I drank some V8, and it was like magic!! It was nice and coated my throat and I felt good bc it was vegetables. Then I couldn't stop drinking it and had to switch to low sodium.
    Hope you feel better soon!

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  11. Warm chicken soup? Warm tea with honey and lemon? All natural and the babies will love it. Hell, gargle with the chicken soup, it's soothing, OH! And popcicles! Lots of them! Soft, cold, soothing. Mmmmm. Feel better soon honey pie. Rest!

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  12. Haha i just died laughing at coughing and babies flying out because with my first one I coughed and my water broke. But get better darling we miss you!!!!!

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  13. Oh, you poor thing!!! I got really sick like that at 38 weeks in my first pregnancy, and 14 years later, I can still remember how horrible it was. Gigantic babies restrict your breathing and it causes a misery that is, indeed, not like anything else.

    Hang in there. You got what it takes!

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  14. You have the most fantastic sense of humor ever! you really missed your calling...should have been a comedian...but then we wouldn't have all fantastic office stories(was that selfish?) I hope you get well soon!

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  15. CHLOROSEPTIC. Numbs the throat. Gargle and spit it out if you're worried about dem babies (it safe for pregnancy though). Keep feeling better! It will pass, you're right. :)

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  16. CHLOROSEPTIC. Numbs the throat. Gargle and spit it out if you're worried about dem babies (it safe for pregnancy though). Keep feeling better! It will pass, you're right. :)

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  17. So glad to hear from you!! Sorry for the awful pain, but the fact that you can laugh through this means you are oh-so-ready for motherhood!

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  18. I am sending healing vibes your way. Hope it gets better FAST!

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  19. Hey gal! I needed a good giggle today and you gave it to me! Hang in there kiddo, you got good times coming up with those sweet little babies!! My CRNP gave birth to her invitro twins last week and what a beautiful pair!! Get well soon! Rest drink your OJ and dream beautiful babies!

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  20. I'm thinking that must be what umbilical cords are REALLY for. Kinda like the ball on a string with a paddle thing....

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  21. No lectures here, brother. You ARE the funny. Except I'm not laughing at your expense. Only a little. Oh bad timing to be that doubly pregnant and sick as all hell. Maybe you can induce some labor to take your mind off of being sick?

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  22. i cant believe they wouldnt give you the crack..even with the tantrum and the scrub grabbing....mean doctors

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  23. Hope you feel better soon, here is an alternative OK GO video that may cheers you up, sorry if you've already seen it ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w

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  24. Oh honey baby, I've got the same thing and am NOT currently very pregnant so you can go ahead and be as all-get-out whiny as you need to be, though whisperscreaming F-U is pretty hilarious for me to imagine.

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  25. Did they do the nose swab? My daughter who is hacking up her lungs and sniffly nose has the flu... Me like yourself have been hacking up my lungs for2 weeks and they did both nose and throat and I have strep throat. I'm sorry you are going through this. P.S. The babies get the nutrients before you do that is why they are doing fine. It's annoying you have to put in the disclaimer eh? Anyways, prayers... good vibes... all your way. Hopefully you will find out what is wrong and can heal fast!!!

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  26. Did they do the nose swab? My daughter who is hacking up her lungs and sniffly nose has the flu... Me like yourself have been hacking up my lungs for2 weeks and they did both nose and throat and I have strep throat. I'm sorry you are going through this. P.S. The babies get the nutrients before you do that is why they are doing fine. It's annoying you have to put in the disclaimer eh? Anyways, prayers... good vibes... all your way. Hopefully you will find out what is wrong and can heal fast!!!

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