Secrets Can be Funny - Even the Dark Ones

There are all these feelings.  The DARK FEELINGS that nobody wants you to talk about.

I am fairly confident in saying that every new mom who stays home with newborns has these feelings.  And multiply that by two, and you have this dark dark shit that you feel guilty about feeling.  GUESS WHAT?  I'm talking about it.  I'm alone.  This is about the loneliest I've ever felt, save for being a hopeless drunk.  It's completely different, mind you, but it's lonely nonetheless.  I'm on my own here during the day with two little beings, who while incredibly cute do nothing but SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME.  Literally and metaphorically.  My bewbies are drained and pumped so hard, they are pretty much indented.  While yes, we are incredibly grateful for these two precious gifts, CHRIST ON A BICYCLE they are exhausting and soul sucking. 

They are also soul affirming when they smile or do something funny, like fartcrying - which is just what it sounds like.  Fart-cry Fart-cry Fart-cry.  It's HILARIOUS.  You know, when a baby does it.  Not adults so much. Have some pride.  My dear sweet dumpster husband coined this term, HASHTAG FARTCRY (#fartcry).  Let's make it rain on Twitter, y'all. 

There's a lot of crying in the Dumpster House lately.  Babies and Mommy cry.  Sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately while mommy is in the shower she cries.  AND GUESS WHAT?  That is perfectly ok!  We all gotta get that shit out! 

I'm using online AA Meetings like they are a fucking life jacket right now.  A LIFE JACKET.  AA and meetings keep me sane.  Keep me sober.  Keep me connected.  I need that now more than ever.  I'm connected with other moms.  Other multiple moms.  And it helps.  It really does, HOWEVER.......

Sure you say, hey Katy, you are going out and having visitors and a wonderful family and support system and have a fantastic completely wonderful husband, so doesn't that help with the loneliness?  Well, of COURSE it does.  But you know what we drunks need?  OTHER DRUNKS.  I am saying all this here and I trust that you all will relate and not judge me.  That is what I do with other drunks.  They get it.  They get the deep dark loneliness that we can feel sometimes.  We are able to climb back out together if we acknowledge ALL THE FEELINGS.

Finding people we connect with is critical.  Drunks or not.  People we trust and that will have our backs when we call crying or write a text that says something like, "HOLY SHIT THESE BABIES ARE BEING ASSHOLES TODAY" and not think you aren't so fucking grateful for them is CRITICAL. 

There are more feelings now than I've ever had in my life.  And they are good and bad and don't have to define me or what I'm going through.  It's simply admitting that they are there and getting them out in the open and dealing with them that lessen their power.  I am NOT ALONE.  You are not alone. 

These two don't have any secrets.  Everything they feel is right out in the open.  I'm kind of jealous.

"Don't tell Mommy, but let's demand simultaneous feedings every time today!  That will make her lose her shit!  No rest for the weary, and GO!"

Here's the thing.  In the end, if we can laugh at ourselves and have people in our lives who we open up to that MAKE US LAUGH about all this, it can save us on a daily basis.  It's all so minute, it's all so small, my world right now.  It's babies.  Every day, all day.  AND THAT IS ISOLATING.  I have to keep connected or I'm done for.  This is the shit that keeps me sober and laughing and grateful every damn day.   

Thank YOU for reading and sharing and helping me every damn day.  I hope I'm doing the same for you. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 62

Random Thoughts from a Diner on a Snowy Day in Chicago

The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING IN THE MOMENT.  Or rather, trying my damnedest to be in the moment. 

TEENY TINY COFFEE CUP CHEERS TO YOU!

I'm sitting in a greasy spoon diner and eating breakfast by myself, well, with you all really, but you get my drift. It's snowing here in Chicago - WHICH IS MY FAVORITE, and I am approximately 11 days away from being induced to have these two babies.  My belly hardly fits behind the table and my belly button is so protruding that it is intimate with every object and person we come anywhere near these days.

The servers all want to hear all about the babies and then feel badly as I don't have a voice to talk. But they smile and coo and are so excited for me. I told my husband as we were walking around downtown the other day that people like to smile at me. He saw it too and started saying, "oh, she just smiled at you!" And it's true. I am that pregnant lady that I would smile at before. I am her.

As I've tried so hard to be in the moment through this entire process, since getting sober really, but especially since we've gone through IVF and then being pregnant, I am in the moment today. Being in the moment is difficult. It is something that takes practice and perseverance. And no whining - or getting over the whining RIGHT QUICK. And I've done my share of whining the past couple weeks as I've been so sick. The babes are sucking all my healing out and that's OK, I just want to be able to do my best for them when we go into labor.

This is my one time to be pregnant. We have special circumstances that I don't talk about here out of privacy, but this is it. And as you well know, I am the first and only woman to ever BE pregnant, and I have really enjoyed the hell out of it. I've had such an easy pregnancy all things considered. Or maybe I'm just so grateful to be pregnant that I just have made the best of it this whole time, but this couple weeks of being sick has rocked me. I find myself whining and crying and feeling badly and thinking, this just sucks.

It doesn't suck. I'm still pregnant with super healthy Hall & Oates and they are not wanting to come out on their own, obviously, so we will induce at 38 weeks, which is roughly January 6, 2013.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

Here's looking at you kids. No make up or nothin'. Just braids and an owl hat.

So, I feel like shit with my ears and my throat and my head swimming with this nasty virus, but I'm saying this to you as much as to me, IT SHALL PASS. The person who has it the worst right now has got to be my dear sweet dumpster husband. Man, is he a champion. He's stepped up to EVERYTHING and is also my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I've been negative and he's been positive the past couple weeks, which is kind of a role reversal for us. But as usual, we balance each other out. When I'm down, he's up and vice versa.

I am so grateful for him and my life that it literally hurts my heart to think of how amazingly lucky I am. I'm sitting in this diner in this amazing city I live in with a laptop thinking, "AM I A WRITER? WHO'S LIFE IS THIS? AM I REALLY PREGNANT? OH MY GODS THEY ARE COMING IN A MATTER OF DAYS! WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM?"

See? Random thoughts. But when I really think about it, not so random at all. This is my life. This is our life. We created it. We made it by our choices and what was thrown at us. What did we do with that? How did we handle it? What did we choose about our circumstances? To accept and make the best of them or to complain and be a victim?

These are the moments. These are the thoughts. These are the times that define our lives and Ferris Bueller had it right, if we don't slow down and look around every once in a while, we miss it. So, I feel like shit. This is the only time that I will get to say, I am so super sick but it's OK, because I'm giving everything I have to my babies, who are healthy and we get to meet them so very soon.

I'm sure you're tired of my rambling, but this is where I am today. I have two women at our apartment deep cleaning it right now before babies and my little mama come to stay with us. This is such a luxury for me, it feels odd and entitled and yet, I am justifying it by saying, HEY I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY AND IF I WANT TO SPEND SOME OF IT THIS WAY IT IS ALL GOOD. I am huge. I am sick. I am overwhelmed. And I'm giving my husband and myself a gift. And that's OK.

I was just telling a friend this morning that FEAR IS OK. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT FEAR, I PROMISE YOU. Now, if I can 't take my own advice, I'm just full of hot air. And we all know I'm only full of babies and hope and love, no room for hot air.

I am in this moment of being terrified and being grateful and being sick and being excited. I am feeling ALL THE FEELINGS and man, does that ultimately feel good. I'm not tamping it down with booze or even smokes these days. I am feeling the shit out of this shit. And it is good. Even when it's not.  Know what I mean?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 56

When I woke up this morning I had a very different idea of what this TILT would be.  Then I got to work and opened my Facebook and saw that I was invited to an event online - called "Katy's Baby Shower!"

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL!?!?!

I went over there and found and a bunch of fellow bloggers and online friends had made up an event for Hall & Oates and Christopher and I that had me in tears and disbelief.  How is it possible that all these people that may or may not even exist in real life had given me such a gift?  Psssst, I think they are real.  And they are big lovely assholes.  As in:

and - 

Both of these were hand crafted by the lovely lady over at The Crumb Diaries

There was the sweet -

From a lovely lady who has been around for a long time and one of my favorite virtual friends. 

from my dear friend at Don't Pet the Sweaty Stuff who knows my feeling on crocs.  But how can you argue with this nonsense?  You can't. 

Something political - hold on!

From my dear Frugalista Blog

And the risque!

Does this give you an idea of the epic nonsense over there?  It is FANTASTICAL.  By the very talented Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness photoshopped, OF COURSE.  But that is my dear sweet dumpster husband and I.  Badass, no?

I mean, there were spazz dancing videos and pictures of all things related to babies and more specifically to Hall & Oates and my husband and I.  I can't begin to share everything that was posted there, the love and the funny is something I will go back and look at over and over and over. 

And her heart grew 8 sizes that day.

I am BLOWN AWAY by the kindness of strangers and yet, they're not really strangers if they know me so well now are they?  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is this kindness.  This generosity, this connection.  These people actually read what I write and pay attention to what I love and what I'm about.  When in the world did that happen?  People were saying really nice things about me and my writing and I'm just in shock, really.  So, I'm needing some time to digest it all and while I do, I wanted to share just a taste of what happened over there.  Again, I have only scratched the surface on what went on over there, and I couldn't possibly post everything by everyone that was so lovingly thought out and shared there.  FOR ME.  I am so so so grateful for the people I've met through this blog.  It's truly magical the connections we can form if we are open to it. 

p.s. if you were not in on that shower, but want to send me virtual wishes or videos or pics, PLEASE DO!  I'm at kitkatkootie1@gmail.com or you can always post to my wall on the Facebook Page. 

What the HELL is HAPPENING?

OH CHILD, this belly is growing at a rapidly alarming rate!  Not to mention my ass.  This is the time, people.  The time of glowing and happiness and basking in the wonder that is creating not one but TWO babes in my increasing by the day belly.

There they are!  Dancing around in there like only Hall & Oates can!

And I am.  I feel great!  After the hell that was In Vitro for me, this pregnancy is a piece of cake.  And at 18 weeks along, I am right where I should be.  The bumpsters are mango sized now according to the "What to Expect When You are Expecting" app that I have on my phone.  They're all fruit and vegetable sizes, so that's a little weird but also good perspective, rather than, YOUR BABY is 5 INCHES.  Give me a mango and yeah, I know what that shit looks like.  And maybe want to eat it, which is only a tad disconcerting.  I'm eating pretty well with some allowances for some stuff I crave, but nothing crazy.  I'm trying to walk on a regular basis and just overall trying to be healthy.  I don't believe being pregnant is an excuse to throw everything out the window and just eat crap.  Nobody benefits from that, my babies or me.  Or my husband who I want to be attracted to ALL THIS.

This is the time where panic and happiness and excitement collide.  Just thinking about all the baby shit we will need is overwhelming to the point where I literally bat my arms around and say, "OK, I'll come back to that later...." The really fortunate thing is we have several friends who have twins and can help me with this process.  The registering, the feelings the reality of what all of this is going to take.  I've had maternity clothes given to me second hand and offers of all kinds of baby stuff and I couldn't be more grateful.  Don't even get me started on how freaked out I get by baby showers and all the stuff.  Social anxiety combined with people giving us shit, is overwhelming to say the least.  So grateful, but so overwhelmed. 

AND,  What is going to happen when I go back to work? 

*SCREECHING HALT NOISE*

Reel it all back in there, sister. 

Gazillions of people have done this before with way less resources, money and love than we have.  Millions will do it after us.  What I really really really want to do right now is enjoy where we are.  We have two babes that are developing and growing and dancing and getting ready to rock our worlds upon their arrival. 

It is simultaneously the scariest and most exhilarating feeling I've ever known.

Nothing new or earth shattering as we are just grains of sand that are doing what so many have done before us, but dammit, this is new to me.  New to us.  And we are truly loving it.  As surreal as it is, and I never thought we would be in this situation, the joy I feel when I see and hear my dear sweet Dumpster Husband talking to our babies makes me weepy with joy.  WEEPY WITH JOY. 

Now, back to my rapidly expanding ass.......

Kicking Ass on Hormones

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That Drowning Feeling

That overwhelming feeling of too much to do and too much to pay for and too much for your body to endure.  Work is overwhelming.  Trying to have a baby is overwhelming.  That drowning feeling.  That feeling of being SO GODDAMN SOBER.  I don't want to drink.  But being this sober, all the god damn time is a bit much. That release and feeling like nothing mattered at all, that is what I crave for about 5 seconds.

A nice Irish Whiskey sounds so lovely.  And then, I remember.  I play the tape out.  I know that one drink for me leads to a cheap gallon of vodka.  And losing control.  And losing EVERYTHING.  My home, my husband, my job, my cats, most of all my self respect.  And I lose it all QUICKLY.  I cannot afford this luxurious thinking that I can have a nice Irish Whiskey.  I can have the thought, but I have to play it all out.  I've learned this.  I do it all the time.  And it works. 

I am grateful I am sober.  More grateful for that one fact than anything else in my life.  Without sobriety, I have no life.  I would be dead or worse.  Hospitals, Institutions or Death.  Death would be easy.  The other two are hell on earth.  I've been there.  Jails and looney bins.  No place for a nice girl like me.  And yet, there I was time and time again. 

So yes, I am so grateful.  But there are some days when it seems overwhelming to just live life on life's terms.  I can't figure out the answers.  I don't know the questions.  I cannot do every single thing I want and need to do immediately and perfectly.  These are High Class Problems.  These are not the problems of a blackout drunk who doesn't know how she wound up in jail, in detox, in the psych award, yet again. 

This is the good life.  I am reminding myself as much as anyone reading this.  Life is so good when I have a choice.  Before I got sober, I had no choice.  I had to drink.  I had to maintain.  I had to self medicate.  Now, I get to live.  I get to choose what I want.  That doesn't mean I always get what I want.  In fact, it's about 50/50.  But I have some say in how I handle the outcome. 

When I feel this way now, I go to a meeting.  I talk to other Alcoholics.  I talk to my husband.  I talk to my family. I do my own version of praying to a Higher Power for wisdom and patience and guidance.  Above all, I reach out and help someone else.  That is the key.  HELPING SOMEONE ELSE.  And, simple as those things seem, they work.  Over and over and over.  They work.

Not Trying to Get Over, Just Trying to Get Through

Fear is debilitating. 

I feel super fragile today.  Like the slightest little touch could send me spiraling into a pit of despair and self pity.  It's irrational.  It's nothing that is tangible or fixable in this moment.  All it is is a feeling.  I know what it is, and it's the feeling of taking the next step on our "get a baby" journey.  I'm scared of the unknown and afraid to have faith that whatever will be will be.   I'm by no means the first, nor the last to walk through this.  Many women, including several close friends, have been through similar experiences, and I am so grateful for their sharing. 

One of the hardest things for me since getting sober is FEELING.  Anything and everything.  Fear is the toughest.  Not only do I not get to drink it away anymore, but I don't even get to avoid it like I want to so desperately.  In accordance with working a decent 12 Step Program, I have to process the fear and walk through it. It's not pretty.  It's not easy.  It's not for the weak. 

Jesus Christ this sucks.  It's the overwhelming, gut wrenching, vomit inducing stuff that happens to people in life.  It's nothing terrible, really.  When I look back after some time and perspective, I think, that wasn't so bad.  It's being responsible and an adult, but for someone who is basically afraid of everything, something new can wreak havoc on my psyche.

It doesn't matter what the specific fear even is.  What matters is that I process it and not run away like my gut tells me to do every single time.  I cannot afford that luxury.  I cannot afford letting something eat at me and defeat me.  For me everything is at stake, meaning my sobriety.  So, I pray about it in my own unchristianlike way, and I try to let it go.  I usually have to let it go more than once.  Sometimes 849 times. A day. 

This is the stuff that I am so grateful for today.  I know that this vomitous feeling in the pit of my stomach will pass.  I know that I will be ok and that this will pass because it has in the past.  It always does.

One of my best friends in AA has this saying, "It all works out in the end.  If it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end".  Corny as shit?  Absolutely.  True?  I hope so.  I believe it is, and that's all I have, right?  What I believe and what I live is all I have.  And just for today, I choose hope over fear.  I choose sobriety over drowning my feelings.  I choose feeling vomitous for a while, rather than self medicating. 

People tell me I'm strong all the time.  And the reason I get to be strong is because I let myself feel vulnerable and weak and ask for help.  If I reach out to help someone else, it diminishes my suffering and my self pity.  You don't get one without the other.  Everyone has their kryptonite.  This is all normal, human stuff.  Emotions that people feel all the time, and walk through with grace and dignity.  I try my best to be one of those people.  10 years sober and this shit is still hard.  I think it always will be. 

FEAR is what kept me drinking for so long and with such desperation.  Today I choose not to use that. Progress not perfection.