|This is a picture from last year's Cycle for Survival event, but it's the only picture I have of me spinning, so, "Woo"!
I first wrote about my gym experience a while ago here - please take a minute to read, it's quick and funny and gives background to where we are today.
Now, I am not a person who loves exercise. I hate it. If left to my own devices I will pick couch time over physical exertion every damn time. Just like drinking and smoking are in my nature, sloth is in my nature as well. By all accounts, I SHOULD be drinking and smoking right now, BUT I AM NOT. Because we CAN change our behaviors if we work at it.
Last night I didn't WANT to go to spinning necessarily, but I went. I pumped and fed babies before I left and strapped the girls in with my most powerful sports bra, and I jumped on the train and I left. AND I WAS SCARED. Because I am scared of everything. But I walk through the fear today. I haven't been spinning in months and months. I was pregnant you know, I am not sure if you heard. I kept up my gym membership the whole time because I KNEW I WOULD BE BACK. I wasn't spinning for a long time. And this HOUSE OF PAIN is a bitch. It ain't a leisurely bike ride round the park if you catch my drift. You are up and down and back and forth and killing yourself for 50 minutes in there and it HURTS. But dammit if I didn't do the whole class and do it hard even though my instructor said, "Katy just had twins so she's the only one exempt from jumping in and out of the saddle!".....I did it anyway.
Because I'm stubborn and needed to prove to myself that I could do it after all this time. You see, a couple years ago, I weighed almost 200 pounds and lost a lot of weight through changing my diet and exercise. Spinning was a big part of that. I wanted to get in shape BEFORE I got pregnant, if I ever were to be lucky enough to be pregnant, so that I could bounce back into shape after having a baby or two.
That's what I did. I now have about 15 pounds to lose before I'm back at pre-baby weight and spinning is going to help me get there. It's pure vanity but also health reasons that I do this. I am almost 40 and I JUST HAD TWINS. What in the sam hill was I thinking? Oh girl, I'm gonna be around to be with these babies and I'm going to be healthy. This clean living IS FOR SUCKERS. And I am a sucker for sure. A happy one. A by product of clean living is looking kinda hot. And yes, I want that. No lie.
So, there are several things at play here. I just had babies and I feel a bit down about myself sometimes. What I would do if I live purely by what's in my nature, I would drink and smoke and not work and not take responsibility and self destruct because I don't like myself very much at that moment - not believing that the moment would pass. BUT, if I practice new behaviors and believe that the moment will pass, I take responsibility and work my program and eat right and resist that smoke and drink and exercise a bit, I get ALL THE THINGS! I get the life beyond my wildest dreams. I get the mental and emotional and physical bliss that comes with working hard to be healthy. We always say, it ain't easy, but it is so worth it. I don't want to do any of these healthy things by nature. I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. But I do. Because it is the best thing for me and for my family.
It was the first time in over a year, that I felt like my body BELONGED TO ME. Not to science and not to babies and not to my demons. And if that sounds selfish, then yes, I'm selfish. I needed that feeling. I desperately needed to feel connected to my body and in that way to my soul as a woman who has her own needs and wants and feelings without being attached to another being.
Today, I am a drunk who is not drinking, a smoker who is not smoking and a sloth-like creature who is practicing moving around more. It's that simple. One day at a time, we can change our behaviors. AND WE CAN BE AWESOME TODAY!
Can I get a WOO!?