Thursday, January 24, 2013

Things I Love Thursday - Part 64

There really is so much I love this Thursday and every Thursday that it's hard to narrow it down to one thing.  But 64 times now, I have.  And I feel like I can keep this going forever.  Let's hope so!

Today it's kind of random thoughts on this here blog and funny shit about babies.  Cuz, you know, that is where I am right now in my life, and this blog is all about what's in my head and heart right at this moment.
I understand that reading my posts and my blog may be difficult for those who are struggling with trying to have or adopt a child.  I am constantly aware of how this feels because I was there too.  I want you to know that I never take any of this for granted and I know every second how very lucky we are. I do my own version of praying and sending love and light and hope and gratitude out to the universe for me and for you many many times a day.  I hope with all my heart you find happiness and gratitude for where you are in life and for what you have.  I get the most notes from people about sobriety and the struggle to get it and keep it, or for trying to create or add to your family.  For those notes, I am so grateful, and I believe in you.  

SOBRIETY and my journey to create a family are the two things I blog and talk about the most.  It's what this blog is about and I am so grateful you take the time to share and read it.

This is the status I posted yesterday on the Facebook Page -
"Good morning lovely capable dependable and full of hope Divers! Did we all make it through yesterday? We did! Today is another day to do better and be better. And to learn way more about being a good mama. Sobriety and motherhood are what I was meant to practice. And they go hand in hand. This is the best gig ever. Have a great day, everybody! *blowing you kisses*"
This is so true and if you regularly read my blog you know I am so grateful to be sober and ONLY BECAUSE I AM SOBER do I get to be a mama and do I get to be gifted with these babies. And the fact that all of you share in this journey with me just makes it so much more fun and also makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger and more profound than just sitting in our apartment every day with these two little ones and KEEPING THEM ALIVE.  Oh my gods, HOW AM I KEEPING THEM ALIVE?  

But more than that is the idea that every day, I WILL FAIL.  I will fail at life, as I always have, as you always have, but the difference is today we can learn from it and hopefully not keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and over and expecting different results.  This is becoming especially clear right now as I messily and sometimes desperately flail around trying to be a good mama to these two little squishy beings that are entirely in my dear sweet dumpster husband's and my care.  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FEED TWO BABIES THAT ARE 17 DAYS OLD AT THE SAME TIME?  Holy shite, will that humble your cocky arse but quick. 

And man, DO I EVER FLAIL (think Kermit arms flailing about and that's kinda how I look several times a day right now). 

Here are my immediate gripes:
  1. These babies STILL cannot make a decent cup of coffee.
  2. They are so damn cute.  I mean really, tone it down a bit.
  3. They don't know how to give me a proper manicure, and gods forbid, if I paint my nails myself, they inevitably cry and I mess up my nails trying to calm them down.
  4. They smell really really delicious.
  7. They exhibit shoddy workmanship when I force them to put together all the furniture we keep getting from IKEA.  Lazy, really.
  8. Bewbies.
  9. They are only 6 to 7 pounds and sometimes they absolutely terrify us way more than a huge hulking menacing terrifying awful bad bad man.
  10. They can't seem to focus on things I want them to really focus on.  Like noticing and commenting on how cute I look today.  I mean, I wore this dress for you, babies.
  12. These babies are pretty poopy.  You understand.  POOPY ALL THE TIME!
  13. I get to practice baby juggling with two babies and feeding both at once.  This terrifies and excites me all at once.  It's like the ultimate test of determination and hope at the same time. 
  15. They really are a great way to lose weight.  I've lost almost 40 pounds now of the 55 I gained while pregnant.  Now if I can just get this c-section business to heal I can get back to spinning!  WOOT WOOT!  Stupid c-section.  
I'll close with this.  The Thing I really Love this Thursday is this - I love that we can joke about babies and bewbies and also sobriety - the serious yet very funny with perspective - stuff in life.  It's really the only way we can get through all this stuff every day without crawling in the corner and going fetal like a - you guessed it - LIKE A BABY.  Laughter is good.  Not taking things so seriously is good.  When I drank it was serious.  I drank to escape the seriousness of life and my desperate unhappiness and hopelessness.  There is no need for that today.  Today we celebrate the funny and the awesome.  For that, I am so grateful.  That, and, babies are pretty squishy and I love that too.  Flailing and squishy go quite well together.  

Gratuitous Hall & Oates and Sally Boy shot.


Friday, January 18, 2013

There's Something Happening Here

There is something happening here.  What it is ain't exactly clear.

OK OK it is clear.  Exactly clear.  And it isn't war.  It's love.  It's hippy dippy trippy love for babies that a few years ago I didn't even know I wanted or needed.  It's fierce and it's growing every single minute.  I know I'm not the first woman to ever experience this kind of love. Not only for babies but for my husband and my family and friends who are so very helpful and generous. 

It's this unexplainable overwhelming urge to catch my heart as it beats out of my chest when she locks eyes and smiles at me.  Or when he reaches out his hands and grabs my chest with the force of a tidal wave but with tiny little hands that need me for everything right now.

What did I do to be given this gift of life?  Of lives?  Not just for babies, but for me.  I'm a second chancer and because I am sober and stay sober I get these gifts.  I don't deserve them.  Why do I get all this and so many don't?  My heart breaks when I hear the stories of heartache that people go through and it ups my gratitude 8 million times over.  I want to give everyone this gift of hope and love and light.  I am asking myself all the time why I am living this life that is so beyond my wildest dreams I can't quite reconcile it.  And yet, I am grabbing on with both hands and holding on so tight so that I don't fuck it up. 

If life were fair, I would be dead.  But I'm not.  And I'm doing my best to make sure this life is full.  FULL OF LIFE AND LOVE AND AS MUCH HAPPINESS AS WE CAN STAND.  Mixed in with heartache and disappointment and failure that makes the highs so much more sweet. 

I screw things up.  It's what I've done in the past.  It's what makes me a second chancer.  It's what makes a lot of us second chancers.  We were given an opportunity to do things over, better, smarter, with more hope and gusto than we ever thought we could muster.  And I believe in us.  I believe that we can do this without losing everything. Again.  I did that once.  And I'm hoping it was enough.  I'm hoping if I practice gratitude as much as I can, I don't have to lose everything again. 

Sure, I will fail and make mistakes.  I didn't know I wanted this life until I let go and fell completely for the man who is my heart.  And now he and I get to share two teeny tiny hearts that are just starting out.  I get a chance to do better and be better every day with these little lives.  They make me better. 

Just like sobriety makes me better.  You see a theme here?  I stay sober and I get the chances.  I get the opportunities I never thought I would have.  I stay open to learning and loving and failure, and I get the life beyond my wildest dreams. 

This is not a new message.  This is not something profound that I am experiencing that no one has ever experienced before.  What is new is that it's happening to me.  And it can happen for you. Maybe not in exactly the same way and you may not want any of this, but you are worthy of second chances.  I'm full of hope today.  And really, isn't it a great day to be alive?


Monday, January 14, 2013


Well we did it.  The delivery was way harder than we were thinking it would be (BIG SHOCK, HUGE) as I wasn't dilated at all and they had to put a FREAKING BALLOON MY HOOHA and 6 hours later I was kinda dilated.  So we pushed.  For THREE HOURS we pushed.  And THEN the doctor said, this isn't happening and we are at risk here, so we need to do a C-section.  We were bummed.  And then I was so drugged up I was kind of hysterical and having a panic attack but then we heard the cry.  The first cry from the boy came out (at 6.2 pounds) and then right afterwards the girl (at 5.3 pounds).  And while I don't remember much from those first few hours -  frankly I had the shakes that so vividly recalled detoxing and delirium tremens which TERRIFIED ME more than anything else -  it was simultaneously the worst day and the best day of my life. 

The babies were born.  And now we are all home after 4 days in the hospital.  I am still in pain, but I am healing well and my dear sweet dumpster husband has been so much more than incredible I cannot put into words what the last week has truly been like.

You know, I was the first woman to ever be pregnant and now I am the first woman to ever have a birth story and to fall in love with her babies.  I know, I know.  I'm very unique in that all these feelings are happening.  I'm laughing and crying a lot.  There are so many emotions.  But you know what?  I am FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  And they aren't all pretty or rational - that's why they are FEELINGS - because feelings are not fact, but I'm so grateful to feel them ALL.  Most of them are chock full o'love and gratitude.  Some are overwhelming and scary.  But that's the way this all goes.

My scar hurts and bewbies are so sore, but what an amazing experience.  These babies are letting us sleep quite a bit and actually they are into a routine already that is giving us ample time to just enjoy them and still get some other stuff done.  Mostly though, we are just loving this time with them. 

Here are some random thoughts that need to be shared -

  • HOW IS THERE SO MUCH MILK IN THERE?   You know what I'm talking about.
  • I have lost 30 pounds out of 55 that I gained.  In one week.  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?  Best diet ever.  Just get knocked up with twins and give birth.  KABLAMMO.
  • My maternity clothes are all packed up and in storage ready to be passed onto the next lady I know who gets to be fashionable and pregnant.  Mostly I wore my regular clothes and we shall see how totally stretched out they got from MY HUGE BELLY.
I leave you with this gem from my dear sweet dumpster husband.  I think the 2nd or 3rd night in the hospital (the babies and husband stay with the mama all the time in my room) at 2am or something, he says, "Parents of single babies?  PUSSIES."  Man, we needed that laugh at that time.

Also, after all the nonsense of a day and half of ballooning and labor and c-sections, he says, "I've seen some things."  And indeed he had.  We both had.  But we are so grateful to be here and with these babies.  WE HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT.  And we are excited to see a whole lot more.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

They're Here!

Hello Divers!!! So, this twins thing is a piece of cake so far. A piece of delicious life changing really difficult and full of wonder cake. All is well here. Just learning and loving every second of this. Xoxo

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Things I Love Thursday - Part 63

Most of the conversations, well, a lot of the conversations in our place since I've been pregnant and well, long before that, have started out with me saying to my dear sweet dumpster husband, "your wife is an idiot."  Then he patiently waits while I tell him why I am an idiot.  Then he either laughs with me or tells me, "yeah, that's kind of an idiot thing to do or say", or he says, "it's OK, baby" and we move on from there to the next idiotic thing I do.

This morning it was the ongoing battle with the washing of the baby bottles for the first time and then the putting them back together and OH MY GODS WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MANY GOTDAMNED PIECES?

I should have never taken them apart to begin with.  That was my real downfall.  I shoulda just sprayed them with Lysol as I said I would do and then run away cackling like a hyena at the silliness. 

So of COURSE this morning after they were all washed and laid out to dry with care, it took me approximately 25 minutes to put them all back together again.  After much swearing and Sally Boy meowyelling at me asking what my freaking problem was, after I googled how to put them together because one set was missing all the lips, after putting new lips in my AMAZON CART but thankfully not hitting "purchase" yet, something in my teeny tiny brain clicked and I found the part I was missing tucked inside another part. 

So, a happy dance of epic proportion ensued and Sally Boy was kind of enjoying it, Eliza Jane Doolittle was looking on in disgust with how stoopid I am, and all was right with the world. 

BUT IT WASN'T.  Not until I picked up the phone to tell my dear sweet dumpster husband what an idiot his wife is.

And so I did what I do.  And lately, with my voice being on the total fritz, I sound like a seal or a terrible barking dog with serious pain going on and yet, he still answers almost every time I call him to tell him my next idiotic escapade. 

Now, I am a big bonnet head and do you think that the Ingalls would have ever put up with this nonsense? NO.  EMPHATICALLY NO.  They were lucky if they had any milk to drink from bewbies or otherwise, and they didn't supplement with Charles giving a bottle of milk or any of that sissy business like we do today.  So, I am going back to that time.  I'm slamming on my bonnet, it will be fabulous of course, but bonnet it shall be and I will rock the heels under my prairie garments and not worry about the settings on the dishwasher or the washer and dryer and all these new fangled baby options with special detergent and all that NONSENSE! 

OK, so you know I'm kidding, but only slightly.  There is a saying in the rooms of AA, "KISS"  KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.  For me, in every area of my life, it's imperative that I KEEP IT SIMPLE.  Including babies. 

I think the more nonsense we incorporate into our lives and into our baby's lives, the more difficult things get for all of us.  So, I vow to do my best to keep them safe and in one piece, but that's the most I'm going to promise right now.  My mom dropped me on my head, and I turned out JUST FINE. 

Ya know that bargain bleach at the store that is always on sale?  Yeah, well, that's their bathwater.  DISINFECT, BABY!  KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!

I've got a dresser full of clean tiny adorable ridiculous clothes, some for boys and some for girls and some for who the hell cares - baby David Bowie or someone -  but they are all these little "sacks" as DH calls them, and that's what these babies will be lucky to wear for a while.  SACK EM' UP!  But dammit they are so cute.  So so tiny and cute and sweet and smell so darn good.  And the onesies.  I cry every time I hold up the newborn white onesie that is smaller than my hand almost. 

So, as I sat again last night watching the first season of Homeland with my dear sweet dumpster husband and not ONE but BOTH of these kiddos had hiccups at the same damn time, I marveled at the fact that I can keep this simple, stupid, even though it's about the most profound thing I will ever do to grow two humans in my belly at one time. 

The Thing I Love This Thursday is that we CAN choose to reel it back in and K.I.S.S.  Really and truly, we can reel back in the crazy.  Even if we have to keep doing it over and over and over and over as I do and will have to do the rest of my life.  TOOLS to handle life on life's terms are something I never had until I started working a 12 step program.  And man oh man, are my husband and my babies the better for that whole thing. 

Sunday is eviction day, people.  Hall & Oates shall meet the world.  I will post here as soon as we are able and willing to put them out there.  I know they are excited to meet you.   Thanks so much for all the love and support!