There is something happening here. What it is ain't exactly clear.
OK OK it is clear. Exactly clear. And it isn't war. It's love. It's hippy dippy trippy love for babies that a few years ago I didn't even know I wanted or needed. It's fierce and it's growing every single minute. I know I'm not the first woman to ever experience this kind of love. Not only for babies but for my husband and my family and friends who are so very helpful and generous.
It's this unexplainable overwhelming urge to catch my heart as it beats out of my chest when she locks eyes and smiles at me. Or when he reaches out his hands and grabs my chest with the force of a tidal wave but with tiny little hands that need me for everything right now.
What did I do to be given this gift of life? Of lives? Not just for babies, but for me. I'm a second chancer and because I am sober and stay sober I get these gifts. I don't deserve them. Why do I get all this and so many don't? My heart breaks when I hear the stories of heartache that people go through and it ups my gratitude 8 million times over. I want to give everyone this gift of hope and love and light. I am asking myself all the time why I am living this life that is so beyond my wildest dreams I can't quite reconcile it. And yet, I am grabbing on with both hands and holding on so tight so that I don't fuck it up.
If life were fair, I would be dead. But I'm not. And I'm doing my best to make sure this life is full. FULL OF LIFE AND LOVE AND AS MUCH HAPPINESS AS WE CAN STAND. Mixed in with heartache and disappointment and failure that makes the highs so much more sweet.
I screw things up. It's what I've done in the past. It's what makes me a second chancer. It's what makes a lot of us second chancers. We were given an opportunity to do things over, better, smarter, with more hope and gusto than we ever thought we could muster. And I believe in us. I believe that we can do this without losing everything. Again. I did that once. And I'm hoping it was enough. I'm hoping if I practice gratitude as much as I can, I don't have to lose everything again.
Sure, I will fail and make mistakes. I didn't know I wanted this life until I let go and fell completely for the man who is my heart. And now he and I get to share two teeny tiny hearts that are just starting out. I get a chance to do better and be better every day with these little lives. They make me better.
Just like sobriety makes me better. You see a theme here? I stay sober and I get the chances. I get the opportunities I never thought I would have. I stay open to learning and loving and failure, and I get the life beyond my wildest dreams.
This is not a new message. This is not something profound that I am experiencing that no one has ever experienced before. What is new is that it's happening to me. And it can happen for you. Maybe not in exactly the same way and you may not want any of this, but you are worthy of second chances. I'm full of hope today. And really, isn't it a great day to be alive?
Tears. You are amazing.ReplyDelete
I second that!Delete
Another awesome blog... You fill so many people with hope. Thank you.ReplyDelete
Ah..."The Gift of an Ordinary Day" ... a wonderful read, when/if you ever have them time! AMEN, sister, well said! Double Love to ya'!ReplyDelete
Lerve. Your beautiful words make me remember how grateful I am for my own baby... she's 2.5, and it's been just fantastic (mostly!). Hurrah!ReplyDelete
You are amazing. Period.ReplyDelete
You are fabulous!ReplyDelete
Your words make me remember how grateful I am for my own baby... she's 2.5, and for the most part, it's been fantastic. I made a wish, and she came true! Hurray!ReplyDelete
So, so happy for you, Katy <3ReplyDelete
thank YOU for sharing this with us=-)ReplyDelete
Just so grateful to get to glom onto some of that hope! Egads you ooze it and its so freaking wonderful! Lets hear it for the second chancers :)*group hug*ReplyDelete
Inspiring, for sure.ReplyDelete
Amazing. Beautiful post and previous picture!!! Here's to second chances :)ReplyDelete
I can always think of something to be thankfull for when I read your words... Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. You inspire us all to be better people. Today I am grateful I found your blog!! Oh, and Congrats on those beautiful bundles. You have been blessed with them, but they are very blessed to have you as their mommy!ReplyDelete
I love this. xoReplyDelete
I love this so much. And you. Congratulations!ReplyDelete
beautiful. I so remember those feelings. I wish it could be bottled!!!!ReplyDelete
Awwww, YOU DO DESERVE IT! as much - if not more- than anyone I know.ReplyDelete
Sobbing. For so many reasons. Mostly happy ones though. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this.ReplyDelete
^^^ I meant PRECIOUS picture! Ugh autocorrect!ReplyDelete
:) keep up the good work :)ReplyDelete
I love this. You have a couple of paragraphs in this that I would love to quote you on if I may. The part about sobriety and chances. I have someone close to me going thru a time and could loose everything and is in the neg mode. Unfortunately the "gene" runs thru both sides of his family and I think posting that might make some sense. he grew up in an alcoholic household, and spent a lot of time growing up in AA with his father. Maybe your words might shed some light to the possibility..? I understand if you dont. (I'm Crumbs aunt ;0))ReplyDelete
You've taken me back to July 2011, when my own son was born. I remember laughing and crying and feeling so many other emotions - all good. They will continue. You will wonder how your heart can grow any more without exploding... yet daily your love will grow stronger. You are a beautiful person and your babies are absolutely precious. Thank you for sharing your journey. (I want to go home and just hug my sweet little miracle now.)ReplyDelete
Congrats!! Sobriety is hard work, but it pays off a million times over if you stick with it! You are so blessed! Love reading your blogs. I too am part of the sobriety group. My drug of choice was pain pills. I was even on them thru out my pregnancy! Doc said you can't stop them because it's to risky for the baby. She is now 14 months and the absolute LOVE of my life! And I wouldn't change ANYTHING from my past, because truthfully I feel that it all led me to where I am now.. With HER! Thank you for sharing your stories!ReplyDelete
And besides all that wonderful stuff, you are absolutely beautiful.ReplyDelete
<3 oh how I adore you <3 As a mom of two little girls, going on ten years sober this year, I understand those feelings. Reading them in your witty, beautiful words makes it all that more adorable <3 We stand with you every day <3ReplyDelete
You are amazing and deserve as much good as anyone else does! <3ReplyDelete
Tears. You have an amazing way with words. I feel it. I am grateful for my second chance. For the baby girl who smiles up at me while she's nursing, a special look that is only mine. For my goofy five year old who tells me jokes that make no sense at all, but have her giggling uncontrollably on the floor. They fill me up with hope. I will send some of that hope out into the world to share today.ReplyDelete
Oh boy did I need to read your words today, I am struggling big time with my son. (My healthy, active, easily conceived, son) It's so easy to take for granted things in life, it's easy to whine and cry when things get tough. Thank you for putting on your (oh soo cute) big girl boots and leading by example. We can do this! X's and O's to your sweet Hall and Oats and cheers to you for all the good to come your way.ReplyDelete
I love reading your blog. I am the daughter of alcoholic parents, one sober, one not, so your story is just so amazingly close to home (and I have twins :P).ReplyDelete
You are doing a wonderful thing being the best you can be for your family.
You hit the nail on the head. Congrats to both of you.ReplyDelete
thank you for sharing, beautiful storyReplyDelete
So happy for you Katy. You deserve all of the happiness in the world!!!ReplyDelete
What a beautiful photo!! xoxReplyDelete
What a beautiful photo! xoxReplyDelete
This post made me cry! In a good way :) and I love the picture!ReplyDelete
I am so so happy for you and your family. Those are two very lucky little souls who chose you for a mama.ReplyDelete
creating and nurturing life is the most gratifying, sobering, scary, precious thing that can be bestowed upon a woman, welcome to motherhood, and to those still diving, never ever give up. I waited for 8 agonizing, painful years and the tiny little human that finally came into my life 22 months ago, has shown me that the person I was before him, was just a warm up to the person he has encouraged me to be today! smiles and cheers xoxoReplyDelete
Tears of joy for you, Katy. Welcome to motherhood. xoxoxReplyDelete
You are so amazing, I so enjoy reading your posts. I have just celebrated 1 year sober this past dec. 29th. I was what you would call a functional (?) alcoholic my entire life. NOW, I know what being a functional human being truly is! I thank God everyday for giving me this amazing second chance to actually Live and enjoy my life, kids, ( who somehow survived and still love me) my hero husband and my soon to be here granddaughter. I am so very happy for you and yours and your babies have a truly wonderful mommy!ReplyDelete
Ooh, I have been so behind and to come and see these 3 posts all together made my day. Congratulations! I hope things heal well and that you're taking all the help you can stand.ReplyDelete