There is something happening here. What it is ain't exactly clear.
OK OK it is clear. Exactly clear. And it isn't war. It's love. It's hippy dippy trippy love for babies that a few years ago I didn't even know I wanted or needed. It's fierce and it's growing every single minute. I know I'm not the first woman to ever experience this kind of love. Not only for babies but for my husband and my family and friends who are so very helpful and generous.
It's this unexplainable overwhelming urge to catch my heart as it beats out of my chest when she locks eyes and smiles at me. Or when he reaches out his hands and grabs my chest with the force of a tidal wave but with tiny little hands that need me for everything right now.
What did I do to be given this gift of life? Of lives? Not just for babies, but for me. I'm a second chancer and because I am sober and stay sober I get these gifts. I don't deserve them. Why do I get all this and so many don't? My heart breaks when I hear the stories of heartache that people go through and it ups my gratitude 8 million times over. I want to give everyone this gift of hope and love and light. I am asking myself all the time why I am living this life that is so beyond my wildest dreams I can't quite reconcile it. And yet, I am grabbing on with both hands and holding on so tight so that I don't fuck it up.
If life were fair, I would be dead. But I'm not. And I'm doing my best to make sure this life is full. FULL OF LIFE AND LOVE AND AS MUCH HAPPINESS AS WE CAN STAND. Mixed in with heartache and disappointment and failure that makes the highs so much more sweet.
I screw things up. It's what I've done in the past. It's what makes me a second chancer. It's what makes a lot of us second chancers. We were given an opportunity to do things over, better, smarter, with more hope and gusto than we ever thought we could muster. And I believe in us. I believe that we can do this without losing everything. Again. I did that once. And I'm hoping it was enough. I'm hoping if I practice gratitude as much as I can, I don't have to lose everything again.
Sure, I will fail and make mistakes. I didn't know I wanted this life until I let go and fell completely for the man who is my heart. And now he and I get to share two teeny tiny hearts that are just starting out. I get a chance to do better and be better every day with these little lives. They make me better.
Just like sobriety makes me better. You see a theme here? I stay sober and I get the chances. I get the opportunities I never thought I would have. I stay open to learning and loving and failure, and I get the life beyond my wildest dreams.
This is not a new message. This is not something profound that I am experiencing that no one has ever experienced before. What is new is that it's happening to me. And it can happen for you. Maybe not in exactly the same way and you may not want any of this, but you are worthy of second chances. I'm full of hope today. And really, isn't it a great day to be alive?