I've Never Met a Vice I Wouldn't Have to Quit

If there is something to abuse or get addicted to I will.  Hard. 

I'm an alcoholic, we all know that, and my entire blog incorporates my sobriety.  It has invaded every part of my life and I'm so grateful.  SO you could read any of my posts and get a hit of sober goodness. 

Aside from that though, name a vice that I've tried and I can tell you about quitting that vice and how difficult it is. 

One year ago right now, I was 35 pounds heavier.  I was on Zoloft.  I was smoking about 10 cigarettes a day.  I was drinking massive amounts of caffeine and still eating a shit ton of ice cream on a daily basis. 

And then one day I said, ENOUGH. 

I quit all of it.  Maybe not the smartest way to go about getting healthy, but that's what I did.  I did it all in preparation for having a baby and being around for that child and my dear sweet husband in the future.    That is a work in progress, but I am so happy I made that choice.  In many ways, it's always been easier for me to justify doing the right, healthy thing for someone else, i.e., a baby, than for myself.  Sad, but true.

Now that I've made these changes though, I cannot imagine not having made them. 

I've written about all these issues and you can read about them here:

• Antidepressant/Anxiety withdrawal - The zaps are brutal.  BE CAREFUL.  Talk to your doctor.
• Smoking - This has taken me a few tries, but it's now been a couple months since my last smoke.  Just keep trying!
• What I shove in my pie hole - I am always eating. And - LONG LIVE THE CHICKPEA
• A little bit of exercise never hurt anyone.

So, having said all that, you know all my weaknesses.  And they are a plenty.  I am no expert in anything except bullshit.  And hope.  So maybe this is encouraging somebody out there to take a chance and try something new and different.  To try something that doesn't seem natural.  And the more that you do it, the more it will become natural.  I won't say, "if I can do it, you can do it" because I hate when people say that to me.  Just because I do something, doesn't mean everyone else can or should.  

I will say that I am rooting for you.  A lot.  And it's not easy, but it is worth it. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 30

Show me an American woman who does not have body issues of some kind and I will show you a Unicorn.


I'm always a bit wary of posting about losing weight as it seems to have a backlash.  And honestly, I'm one of the people who would lash out about someone bragging about losing weight if I felt bad about myself.  So what to do, what to do?

I don't work out every day and I don't eat completely well every day. I do try to be awesome every day though.

I have done the work, so I am going to say what I love today is feeling proud of myself.  To quote that little kid in the video who was so proud of himself, "I feel happy on myself!"

It's not about a number on a scale, it's not about being able to fit into a certain size.  It's about feeling good and healthy.  I still over eat sometimes, but I manage it better.  I am not taking a pill, I am not starving myself.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I AM NOT TAKING A SHORTCUT.  I am simply eating well and doing moderate exercise, and guess what?  All that bullshit about exercise and eating well making you feel better?  WELL GOD DAMMIT IT IS TRUE. 

Mentally, this is huge for me.  As a fat kid, I had issues from the very beginning.  My mom (who has always been thin, but has food issues as well) would ask me, "Do you really need to eat that?" about everything I put in my mouth.  And she did it from love and wanting me to be healthy, but I still hear it.  Add that to about a million other voices over the years telling me I'm not good enough because I had extra weight.  The voices are still there, still telling me that I don't have breasts, I just have fat.  That I don't matter unless my stomach is flatter.  That my huge thighs will never ever look good in a pair of jeans.  That's why I wear dresses all the time.  That voice never really goes away.  But I can choose to not listen to it, or look at the facts and say, but I DO like the way I look - and more importantly - feel, today.  So I win today.  I WIN MOTHERFUCKERS.

I snuck food from when I was really little until about last summer.  My mom gave me wheat germ and carob and all natural nonsense and I snuck to the neighbors house and ate their sugar cereal.  I snuck junk food from the vending machines at the ice rink when I skated all those years.  The shame of that is something I never ever wanted to talk about.  It was easy for me to admit I snuck booze because I admitted I was an alcoholic.  But admitting to sneaking food is just degrading to me.  How screwed up is that?  I can admit to sneaking booze, but not food.  Because I was still engaged in the behavior of sneaking food until relatively recently.  I take away the power of the secret by admitting it.  Ah yes.  You would think after 10 years of 12 Stepping I would get this shit.  I need to be hit over the head many times before I change.  This food and being healthy thing was no different.  Sure I was vegetarian for 20 years, but that was completely about not wanting to eat animals, not about my health. 

Being able to fit into clothes that a year ago I couldn't fit into is just affirming that I am doing something right.  The vanity driven side of  me loves that feeling of being able to buy smaller clothes and having people tell me I look great.  The softer, more vulnerable side thinks, "Oh my god, I must have been disgusting before."  I've been wanting a baby for the better part of 3 years and it got the best of me.  I didn't focus on myself at all, just the wanting to get pregnant.  

Last June, I made the decision that I wasn't going to let everything pass me by.  I worked with my trainer and friend, who I will always credit with starting this whole process, and she got me going. 

It's true what they say, once you get going, it just gets easier.   I don't work out a lot, I don't always eat right, but I do try to be awesome every day.  I want everything in my life to be driven by wanting to be better.  And I needed to put down the self pity and the fear and the ICE CREAM - MY GOD THE ICE CREAM I HAVE EATEN - in order to do that. 

We women help each other out by inspiring each other to be better.  To be kinder to each other and more accepting.  By not giving the head to toe scan when we greet each other.  It's fun to be fashionable and pay attention to what makes us feel good physically.  The smile is what we all should be focusing on.  The great big smile of confidence we can beam at each other.  But it really all starts inside and it's such a metaphor for living a spiritual life.  You have a good center, a good solid core, and it reflects on the outside - TO the outside.  It infects everything and everyone in your life.  Just as having a negative core, or no solid center can infect everything around you in a negative way.

I LOVE that I know without a doubt that being skinny does not equal being happy.  When I was at my bottom from drinking, I weighed 110 pounds and was homeless, broke and drunk.  The saddest I've ever been.  And yet, I loved how thin I was.  I thought for a long time, why did I quit drinking just to gain weight?  Well, I know now that getting sober is the single greatest accomplishment I will ever achieve and that staying sober means being healthy inside and out.  Including not being skinny, but being healthy. 

I LOVE feeling good. I LOVE that I know how to quiet that still small voice in my head and heart that tells me I'm not good enough. Because I am good enough. And I want to be better.

I don't strive for happiness.  I strive for living honestly and happiness comes as a by-product. 

Myth, Myth! Yes.

I'm here to dispel some myths.  About me or other humans who may have the same tendencies as I do.  I want to share some pretty blatant stereotyping that people love to engage in with me.  It's funny a lot of the time, and I partake in making fun of myself a good deal.  Which is all fine and good until it goes too far and people just act like jackholes about it and the proverbial straw is broken. 

PRETTY GIRLS ARE BORING.
This one grinds my gears lately.  I had nothing to do with the way I was born or who I was born to.  I had no call on my genetics.  I look this way.  It doesn't define me as boring.  I'm a pretty girl.  So what.  Get over it.  It's about the least interesting thing about me.  It's sometimes a character defect.  I hear women especially say all the time, "pretty girls don't have a personality" or "pretty girls just rely on their looks and they don't develop other facets".  I call bullshit.  If you have read me or know me, you know I am so much more than a pretty face.  I resent the fact that women who think of themselves as less than pretty - and who the hell can say what that even means - get to bash me because I look like I do.  So, if women (in their own words) who think they aren't pretty get to be funny and smart to make up for it, then what, am I just shit out of luck because of my looks?  I don't accept that.  I strive for way more.   And all you pretty girls out there that think you have it made, you lose.  You will have nothing one day soon if that's all you have. 

VEGES ARE JUDGEMENTAL.
I've been Vegetarian since I was 18.  That means I've had 20 years of people giving me shit for MY OWN CHOICE.  Seriously, why does it make people so angry that I - NOT YOU -  choose to not eat flesh?  I cannot tell you how many people want to spar with me about this.  After 20 years, I still don't get it.  Again, I don't tell you how to eat, why don't you not worry about what I'm eating.  This is a stereotype for a reason, and there are a lot of militant Vegetarians and Vegans out there who will be dicks and never make a good impression.  I am not one of these people.  I love animals.  I cannot eat them because I love them so much.  Done, the end, finished.  You don't need to be so aggressive with me because I skipped the turkey and drink almond milk.  And never said one word about it, I might add.  People are afraid of what they don't know I guess, and I'm open to talking about it, but with all the aggression directed my way over the years, I'm wary.  But I will talk if you calmly ask me about it.

SOBER PEOPLE ARE A BUZZ KILL.
Ah yes.  Here we are.  Katy is sober and therefore, she will judge me for drinking too much.  NOT TRUE.  Again, if you hang out with me at all or read me, you know that I encourage drinking by people who can handle it.  My husband drinks.  My husband eats meat.  And he will be the first to tell you I have never once tried to alter either of these aspects of him.  If you drink, great!  Have some for me.  I can't do it.  Anything you feel about me being sober is about you.  It's not me giving you any kind of vibe about it.  Deal.  Also, I'm way funnier and sharper sober than I ever was drinking. So today, I have the best time sober. Which means WE have the best time when I'm sober.  You're welcome.  It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. 

BLONDES AREN'T VERY BRIGHT
Ok, first of all, I am a bright shade of blonde.  I play a dumb blonde.   I get to surprise people all the time with my depth and my brain.  Seriously, people are shocked.  It works to my advantage.  Now, I know I am ditsy and spazzy and tend to be a bit daft, but truly, hair color does not determine brain quality any more than wearing spectacles does.  That just means you have bad eyesight.  Thanks genes!  And I do wear glasses too.  So, suck it. 

Have we cleared all this up?  I am just another bozo on the bus, like all of you.  Let's not get all ugly with each other.  Life is hard enough.  Live and let live? Works for me. 

The Original Joanie Holloway



Meet my Grammie.

Let's talk about how fierce this is.  Name on desk, working woman, smokes and IN CONTROL.  Sounds like another fierce 1960's icon I know and love.

There is a reason I am so enamoured of Joanie Holloway Harris here, of Mad Men.  It is in large part that she reminds me of my Grammie.  I feel a deep dark love hate and sorrowful yearning for both these woman.  Grammie died a few years ago.  Crazed and alone, save for our little immediate family.  And yet, there was a time, when she was the Norma Desmond of her world.  And anyone who had the good fortune of entering into it. 

I am pasting some old writing I did about Grammie here.  Those portions will be indented, written by me around 2004, and I was really angry with her.  She didn't approve of me getting sober.  She just didn't understand it and gave me a hard time about it.  My perspective about her today is so different than it was almost a decade ago. 



Grammie brought a party with her everywhere she went. and we LOVED it.

I have her on my heart right now as NOBODY loved Christmas more than Grammie.  She could forget all the terrible facts of reality, largely due to her creating them, and focus on love and abundance.  Her two favorite things. 

There is no easy, understandable way to describe or understand why my Grammie is the way she is. No more than trying to explain why I am or why you are the way you are, however, the impact of her behavior on the people she loves, well, the only people left in her life after a lifetime of loving and pushing away are my immediate family. She was married and divorced four times, twice to the same man, my grandfather, my dad’s dad.

I come from fucking gorgeous yet totally screwed up, alcoholic, Irish Catholic stock.  Only my dad didn't drink.  Went right to me.  I'm grateful I'm the first to get recovery in my family.

My Grammie was as selfish as they come, some of which I know I have in me. She should never have had a child because she was a lonely lost child herself and never could care ultimately about anyone but herself. The reason she would make a “friend” or a lover was strictly about what she could get from them for herself. She was gorgeous, have I mentioned that?

 

Let's talk about this waist, please.



An absolute beauty – movie star quality - some said Elizabeth Taylor-esque - and men flocked to her. She loved it - loved the attention and the devotion. She grew to expect that devotion and attention from every person in her life. Especially her son. But she left him when he was a small child to move and pursue her own interests. She left him with various relatives and abusive men who hoped to be in her favor. My dad was the only child she ever had and she really wanted him to be a girl. She used to curl his hair and put blush on his cheeks. Although he made a pretty girl, he made an even more handsome boy and grew up relatively unaffected by his unusual childhood.



My dad and Grammie. Totally posed. Wonder where I get it from?

Grammie, for a period of time, lived by herself in a condo on Lakeshore Drive in Chicago.  The Pink Building.  You know it.  And she was a manicurist to the stars, including Frank Sinatra.  Who, let's just say was charmed by her and vice versa.  All while she had a child in the world, who was passed along to relatives to take care of while she lived the high life.  She wanted a son only when it was convenient for her and when it served her purposes.

Grammie and my dad, later on in life, she had to pose as if she was looking at him in every photo. My dad HATED that.



Grammie and baby Katy. She finally got her baby girl. Also, she tried to give me her menagerie of furs through the years. She didn't approve of me being a vegetarian.





Grammie dressed up as a nurse the day my little brother was coming home from being born. She loved making a production out of things. Look how geeked out excited I am about all this.

I don’t know if she ever truly loved, but boy did she lose. She pushed so hard and asked for so much that everyone she had eventually left her. Now she is alone and only my dad and mom go and visit her. 

That was again, in 2003 or 2004.  She was living in a nursing home close to my parents, and was completely out of her mind.  She was ALWAYS delusional.  From the time I remember as a child she brought fun and fantasy and luxury with her.  When Grammie came to visit, it was always a good time.  She and I would go shopping and to lunch and do our nails and she would encourage me to wear make up and dress up at all times.  AT ALL TIMES.  And if I didn't look up to snuff she made sure she let me know.  I can only imagine the hell my dad went through with that superficial bullshit as a child. 

She lost everything. Most of all her beauty and this is what I understand. That is where all this sadness and loss of control for her begins. She lost her beauty, which means she lost the adoration of thousands and then she slowly lost her own money trying to hold on to it and get it all back. Now she is just lonely and sad and mean. She doesn’t want me to succeed and be happy because she is not.

Do I fear losing my looks? You bet I do. I don’t underestimate for one minute how much the way I look has helped me in my life. I know I am smart and capable and all of that other crap, but I am beautiful and in this world of ours, that is what really matters. You may think me superficial, but it is a tool, just like money that can be used to get what I want and she knows this. She knows (or thinks she does) that once I lose my beauty I will have nothing just like her. But that is where she is wrong. I do have more than her because I take the time to invest in myself and in other people. I don’t make friends because of what I can get from them.

Since I have been sober, I have learned the hard way that friends and family are the most important and enduring relationships I have and without them, I have nothing. I don’t have to be beautiful on the outside to be fulfilled on the inside. Does it help? Sure, am I going to fade quietly into non-prettiness? No way, I like being pretty. It is fun and it is what came naturally to me. I don’t abuse as I used to though. And it is not all I have.

I hate my Grammie. As much as I feel that hatred for her I feel love and sadness and understanding for her more than anyone else could imagine. The reason for this is that she and I are so much alike. Or we used to be. Our relationship has changed forever since I got sober and learned how important people’s insides are. She never learned that lesson and now, I don’t think she ever will. She used to love being with me because we were two gorgeous ladies against the world. We could both wield our feminine wiles and the men would flock. Well, I don’t work like that anymore and she doesn’t like it one bit.


One of our last pictures together.



I don’t hate my Grammie. I hope that before she dies she finds some kind of peace and gratitude for what she has had in her life and not to just keep asking for more, more, more. Sometimes there just isn’t any more and we just need to be grateful for what we have.

She’s going to be a selfish bitch until her dying day, but at least I understand why she is that selfish bitch. I’ve learned a whole lot about young beauty and how that inevitably fades. What we are left with is what we have inside and those we have surrounded ourselves with. What a lesson you have taught me Grammie, I don’t want to go out like you. Alone and lonely because of pushing people away. Thank you for showing me that.

Interesting how perspective changes after years go by. Now, I really only remember the good stuff. The fun Grammie stuff and not the abusive way she talked to my dad and then to me. I am not mortified as I used to be when she got arrested when I was just 16 and we were at a shoe store and I had to call my dad to bail her out for shoplifting.
I feel so much compassion for her today. She was so lonely and filled with longing. Talk about a hole in the soul. She depended on men and their attention for EVERYTHING. She relied on sex appeal and charm for everything, much like our girl Joanie Holloway. They were both so much better than that. Partly due to the times, and partly due to low self esteem, these women relied on men for everything.

If Grammie only knew how valuable she was in teaching me these great lessons, completely different lessons than she meant to teach me, she would probably be horrified and say, "no no no, that's not what I meant!". I watched and I learned Grammie. I learned what not to do and what to do as a smart and capable woman. You taught me to love and appreciate luxury and beauty. And I miss you right now at Christmas. Terribly, actually.

Best Friends September 2011 Trip

It's picture time!  If you love animals and rescues the way I do, you will LOVE this post.  Warning - there are adorable furries ahead. 

I've been slacking on getting pictures up of my last visit to Best Friends Animal Society, or as I call it, The Happiest Place on Earth.

We went in September of 2011 and I did this quick TILT, which captures the essense of the experience of going there for a week. 

But I have been wanting to share more photos.  Most of the doggies we met are up for adoption, and even some of the pigs.  And the views and the people and the $5 amazing vegan lunches every day?  Seriously.  It does not get any better than this.

Have you ever pet a pig?  Jeffrey let me film a belly rub. 

And now, Pictures galore.