I'm always a bit wary of posting about losing weight as it seems to have a backlash. And honestly, I'm one of the people who would lash out about someone bragging about losing weight if I felt bad about myself. So what to do, what to do?
|I don't work out every day and I don't eat completely well every day. I do try to be awesome every day though.
It's not about a number on a scale, it's not about being able to fit into a certain size. It's about feeling good and healthy. I still over eat sometimes, but I manage it better. I am not taking a pill, I am not starving myself. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I AM NOT TAKING A SHORTCUT. I am simply eating well and doing moderate exercise, and guess what? All that bullshit about exercise and eating well making you feel better? WELL GOD DAMMIT IT IS TRUE.
Mentally, this is huge for me. As a fat kid, I had issues from the very beginning. My mom (who has always been thin, but has food issues as well) would ask me, "Do you really need to eat that?" about everything I put in my mouth. And she did it from love and wanting me to be healthy, but I still hear it. Add that to about a million other voices over the years telling me I'm not good enough because I had extra weight. The voices are still there, still telling me that I don't have breasts, I just have fat. That I don't matter unless my stomach is flatter. That my huge thighs will never ever look good in a pair of jeans. That's why I wear dresses all the time. That voice never really goes away. But I can choose to not listen to it, or look at the facts and say, but I DO like the way I look - and more importantly - feel, today. So I win today. I WIN MOTHERFUCKERS.
I snuck food from when I was really little until about last summer. My mom gave me wheat germ and carob and all natural nonsense and I snuck to the neighbors house and ate their sugar cereal. I snuck junk food from the vending machines at the ice rink when I skated all those years. The shame of that is something I never ever wanted to talk about. It was easy for me to admit I snuck booze because I admitted I was an alcoholic. But admitting to sneaking food is just degrading to me. How screwed up is that? I can admit to sneaking booze, but not food. Because I was still engaged in the behavior of sneaking food until relatively recently. I take away the power of the secret by admitting it. Ah yes. You would think after 10 years of 12 Stepping I would get this shit. I need to be hit over the head many times before I change. This food and being healthy thing was no different. Sure I was vegetarian for 20 years, but that was completely about not wanting to eat animals, not about my health.
Being able to fit into clothes that a year ago I couldn't fit into is just affirming that I am doing something right. The vanity driven side of me loves that feeling of being able to buy smaller clothes and having people tell me I look great. The softer, more vulnerable side thinks, "Oh my god, I must have been disgusting before." I've been wanting a baby for the better part of 3 years and it got the best of me. I didn't focus on myself at all, just the wanting to get pregnant.
Last June, I made the decision that I wasn't going to let everything pass me by. I worked with my trainer and friend, who I will always credit with starting this whole process, and she got me going.
It's true what they say, once you get going, it just gets easier. I don't work out a lot, I don't always eat right, but I do try to be awesome every day. I want everything in my life to be driven by wanting to be better. And I needed to put down the self pity and the fear and the ICE CREAM - MY GOD THE ICE CREAM I HAVE EATEN - in order to do that.
We women help each other out by inspiring each other to be better. To be kinder to each other and more accepting. By not giving the head to toe scan when we greet each other. It's fun to be fashionable and pay attention to what makes us feel good physically. The smile is what we all should be focusing on. The great big smile of confidence we can beam at each other. But it really all starts inside and it's such a metaphor for living a spiritual life. You have a good center, a good solid core, and it reflects on the outside - TO the outside. It infects everything and everyone in your life. Just as having a negative core, or no solid center can infect everything around you in a negative way.
I LOVE that I know without a doubt that being skinny does not equal being happy. When I was at my bottom from drinking, I weighed 110 pounds and was homeless, broke and drunk. The saddest I've ever been. And yet, I loved how thin I was. I thought for a long time, why did I quit drinking just to gain weight? Well, I know now that getting sober is the single greatest accomplishment I will ever achieve and that staying sober means being healthy inside and out. Including not being skinny, but being healthy.
I LOVE feeling good. I LOVE that I know how to quiet that still small voice in my head and heart that tells me I'm not good enough. Because I am good enough. And I want to be better.
I don't strive for happiness. I strive for living honestly and happiness comes as a by-product.