That overwhelming feeling of too much to do and too much to pay for and too much for your body to endure. Work is overwhelming. Trying to have a baby is overwhelming. That drowning feeling. That feeling of being SO GODDAMN SOBER. I don't want to drink. But being this sober, all the god damn time is a bit much. That release and feeling like nothing mattered at all, that is what I crave for about 5 seconds.
I am grateful I am sober. More grateful for that one fact than anything else in my life. Without sobriety, I have no life. I would be dead or worse. Hospitals, Institutions or Death. Death would be easy. The other two are hell on earth. I've been there. Jails and looney bins. No place for a nice girl like me. And yet, there I was time and time again.
So yes, I am so grateful. But there are some days when it seems overwhelming to just live life on life's terms. I can't figure out the answers. I don't know the questions. I cannot do every single thing I want and need to do immediately and perfectly. These are High Class Problems. These are not the problems of a blackout drunk who doesn't know how she wound up in jail, in detox, in the psych award, yet again.
This is the good life. I am reminding myself as much as anyone reading this. Life is so good when I have a choice. Before I got sober, I had no choice. I had to drink. I had to maintain. I had to self medicate. Now, I get to live. I get to choose what I want. That doesn't mean I always get what I want. In fact, it's about 50/50. But I have some say in how I handle the outcome.
When I feel this way now, I go to a meeting. I talk to other Alcoholics. I talk to my husband. I talk to my family. I do my own version of praying to a Higher Power for wisdom and patience and guidance. Above all, I reach out and help someone else. That is the key. HELPING SOMEONE ELSE. And, simple as those things seem, they work. Over and over and over. They work.