And, BREATHE

Good Lawdy Loo, things are getting a bit tight around here.  Not just in my ever increasing belly with two spazz dancers in there, but in life.  Every day it seems the pressure increases.

At work, there are approximately 8,385 things I need to get done. Today. This minute.  I feel like I'm losing my shit several times a day lately.  Juggling an incredibly demanding job and also every few moments - oh here it comes again -  OH MY GODS I HAVE TWO BABIES IN MY BELLY AND THEY JUST KEEP GROWING AND THEY ARE GOING TO BE HERE IN LIKE, 5 MINUTES AND WE AREN'T READY AT ALL AND OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes I scream in my head like that. 

I feel like I'm losing it a bit lately.  And yes, I have folks in my life that keep me in check, mainly my dear sweet dumpster husband, who I could not handle any of this without right now, but also, FRIENDS.  Sponsees and other friends who are such a gift to me they really have absolutely no idea how much I value them.  I wish I could make them see.  I wish I could impart that this two sided thing we do in working a program, working an equal sided friendship, helps both of us, every day.  ALL THE TIME. 

Here's part of an email exchange with a very close friend and woman I sort of sponsor in the program and I last night (name left out obviously).  There is a point to this, hang with me here:

Her: "please, do not be grateful for me. I am tired and worn and feel finished. Not really, but, yes. Ya know?  I cannot tell you how you inspire me each day to remain optimistic and alive.
thank you.  so. motherfucking. much.  I love you..."

Katy: "I love you. So motherfucking much. So grateful for you. I am. Can't stop me. Yes I know what you mean about being done. But we keep going. I want to cry and scream a lot lately. Out of control. But I just breathe, meditate, walk, pray how I do, gratitude list, meetings, all the shit we do. We keep going.

Her: "See. It's this shit that just made me set my alarm and promise I'd do what I said I'd do. Fuck! Sometimes I don't like you. But never really. And then, yes, I recall it all. So, this shit gets done...I cannot even grasp what you face each day, babe. I mean that.  This is fucking rough...from start to end. Yes, of course it's worth every single tough second.  It's. still. Tough.  It's fucking IRONMAN tough. You've got balls like nobody I've known. Shit, talk about grateful. It's I for you, yep, me, for you...Thank you."

Katy: "That. Is why I'm so grateful for you. We love each other. Hard. We are both Ironman tough. Thank you for everything. I love it when you say you don't like me."

Her: "Haha. It's when you wouldn't think so..."

Katy "I know. You are one of a kind."

Her: "It's your constant introspect that I respect/love/hate. It's every bad thing I had done by 8 am."

Katy: "You are great right where you are. I promise. And we get better every day if we want. And WE WANT!"

I have a few reasons for sharing this tidbit of goodness:

1. A few years ago I would NEVER have had a girlfriend.  Let alone Sponsees or women in the program who trust me enough to share this fundamental stuff with me.  And no way would I share all this shit with them.  I wasn't worthy of friendship or trust.  I couldn't give and I couldn't receive.
2. I hated my sponsor when I first started working with her 10 some years ago. HATED HER.  And yet, she was everything I wanted to be.  Make sense?  Confident, smart, funny, grateful, solid.  And  yet still able to admit faults and weaknesses and not having all the answers.  Am I becoming like my sponsor who I admire so much?  Gods, I hope so.   
3. I have amazing people in my life today.  I didn't ask for them, but somehow they found me.  And I cannot express how grateful I am for them. 
4. The gift of being able to write like this.  That's all.  It is a gift to me that it just comes out.  I can't even help it any more.

The reality is, I am doing just fine.  I am more healthy than I have a right to be and am doing the right things.  I am feeling so many things right now that I never ever thought I would be lucky enough to feel.  I am feeling babies moving around.  I am feeling loved and taken care of.  I am letting people take care of me and not trying to be Super Woman all the damn time.  I am admitting weakness and when I need help.  This is a new type of thing for me.  Both at work and in life, I am asking for help.  In different ways than I am used to.  We always talk about if you aren't moving forward you are moving backwards, right?

Well, my take is perfection is boring.  Having your shit together all the time is overrated.  The crazed lady with the bugged out eyeballs and belly growing with each huge laugh is way more fun.  And the one who is constantly craving a smoke, but doesn't do it? Yeah.  She's the one I want to hang out with.  She is sure to be fun. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 28

I loved going to Disney and Universal.  Most of it.  You know, if you take away the mass humanity and kids screaming and general wanting to punch people in the throat. But you can't, when you go to a place like that, so you just accept that's how it is and try to enjoy the hell out of it.  Which is what we did.

I went with my in-laws.  Who are awesome.  Seriously.  I couldn't ask for a better family than my husband's.  His sister is such a blessing to me in that we have the best time together.  And his parents are the kindest, dearest, funniest people I could ask for.  That's why my Dumpster Husband turned out so kind and funny. 

Anyway, I'm going to share some pictures, like a "what did you do on your vacation" thing.  I'm not posting pictures of my in-laws, cuz as I've said before, not everybody is a total spaz and likes to plaster their photos everywhere like I do. 

Here we go:

This was the first day.  Kelly, my sister in law, found our perfect little family.  Gag me with a spoon.  

Prancing around like a silly ninny while my Dumpster Husband and my Father in law play serious golf.

We stayed at the Irish bar.  Good beer and even Irish Dancing.  I was pretty spaztastic about that. 



The Magic Kingdom.  We're having so much fun we are whistling Zipedeedoodah out of our assholes!

Oh, and THIS happened. I mean, none of us could recover.  My DH is the reason I know anything about The Beatles.  To say he is a huge fan, is an understatement.  Blew our minds.

We went to the Hall of Presidents on Presidents Day.  I teared up a few times.  It was pretty sweet.

and this:

W's boots.  If they weren't behind glass, I would have barfed into them.

Moving on to Universal Studios..........

 I mean, this was so cool.  The Harry Potter thing was totally worth it.

How happy am I to be at the Owl Post?  So damn happy.

Seriously awesome. And that Harry Potter ride was kick ass.  Every second of it. 

A Little Lucidity sent this to me. And truly, I wish you all rock bottoms. Nothing changes unless we are against a wall.  At least it didn't for me.  J.K. Rowling, thank you for Harry Potter and whatever got you there. 

After hitting rock bottom and getting sober, THIS is the only beer I can drink.  It was pretty yummy. 
Cream soda-ish. 

so cool.  The conductor kept yelling, "WEASLEY!".  It was really cute.

Moving on.....

Oh hi Iron Man.  What nice thighs you have.

I even got into my cherry retro swimsuit, which I haven't done in years. And here's the picture of the hot model wearing it.  Because there's no way I'm sharing me wearing it.  But it felt so good to fit into it, that I got a "I'm so happy on myself" moment. 

This guy was outside the condo we stayed in.  I saw several squirrels down there who were quite thin, compared to our Chicago Dumpster Squirrels. 

All in all, a great few days.  The weather was nice, the company was lovely and and the sights were pretty awesome.  I found I still have some pure joy for some things Disney.  I teared up during the Peter Pan ride.  No lie.  I love the Haunted Mansion and Pirates ride.  Even It's a Small World was lovely to me.  I'm not as bitter and cynical as I think I am sometimes. And I'm pretty happy about that.  Now, did I buy mouse ears or t-shirts?  No.  But I don't need to spend a ton of money on shit to prove I had a good time.  That's what blogs are for.