Secrets Can be Funny - Even the Dark Ones

There are all these feelings.  The DARK FEELINGS that nobody wants you to talk about.

I am fairly confident in saying that every new mom who stays home with newborns has these feelings.  And multiply that by two, and you have this dark dark shit that you feel guilty about feeling.  GUESS WHAT?  I'm talking about it.  I'm alone.  This is about the loneliest I've ever felt, save for being a hopeless drunk.  It's completely different, mind you, but it's lonely nonetheless.  I'm on my own here during the day with two little beings, who while incredibly cute do nothing but SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME.  Literally and metaphorically.  My bewbies are drained and pumped so hard, they are pretty much indented.  While yes, we are incredibly grateful for these two precious gifts, CHRIST ON A BICYCLE they are exhausting and soul sucking. 

They are also soul affirming when they smile or do something funny, like fartcrying - which is just what it sounds like.  Fart-cry Fart-cry Fart-cry.  It's HILARIOUS.  You know, when a baby does it.  Not adults so much. Have some pride.  My dear sweet dumpster husband coined this term, HASHTAG FARTCRY (#fartcry).  Let's make it rain on Twitter, y'all. 

There's a lot of crying in the Dumpster House lately.  Babies and Mommy cry.  Sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately while mommy is in the shower she cries.  AND GUESS WHAT?  That is perfectly ok!  We all gotta get that shit out! 

I'm using online AA Meetings like they are a fucking life jacket right now.  A LIFE JACKET.  AA and meetings keep me sane.  Keep me sober.  Keep me connected.  I need that now more than ever.  I'm connected with other moms.  Other multiple moms.  And it helps.  It really does, HOWEVER.......

Sure you say, hey Katy, you are going out and having visitors and a wonderful family and support system and have a fantastic completely wonderful husband, so doesn't that help with the loneliness?  Well, of COURSE it does.  But you know what we drunks need?  OTHER DRUNKS.  I am saying all this here and I trust that you all will relate and not judge me.  That is what I do with other drunks.  They get it.  They get the deep dark loneliness that we can feel sometimes.  We are able to climb back out together if we acknowledge ALL THE FEELINGS.

Finding people we connect with is critical.  Drunks or not.  People we trust and that will have our backs when we call crying or write a text that says something like, "HOLY SHIT THESE BABIES ARE BEING ASSHOLES TODAY" and not think you aren't so fucking grateful for them is CRITICAL. 

There are more feelings now than I've ever had in my life.  And they are good and bad and don't have to define me or what I'm going through.  It's simply admitting that they are there and getting them out in the open and dealing with them that lessen their power.  I am NOT ALONE.  You are not alone. 

These two don't have any secrets.  Everything they feel is right out in the open.  I'm kind of jealous.

"Don't tell Mommy, but let's demand simultaneous feedings every time today!  That will make her lose her shit!  No rest for the weary, and GO!"

Here's the thing.  In the end, if we can laugh at ourselves and have people in our lives who we open up to that MAKE US LAUGH about all this, it can save us on a daily basis.  It's all so minute, it's all so small, my world right now.  It's babies.  Every day, all day.  AND THAT IS ISOLATING.  I have to keep connected or I'm done for.  This is the shit that keeps me sober and laughing and grateful every damn day.   

Thank YOU for reading and sharing and helping me every damn day.  I hope I'm doing the same for you. 

Do These Car Seats Make My Hips Look Big?

Do these car seats make my hips look big?  I'm pretty sure they do, right?  Well, since babies and baby shit (no pun intended) are my newest accessory it seems fitting that my hips don't lie.  CUE SHAKIRA.  

I am working this shit. 

I love dressing up.  No secret or shock there. I love high heels.  That's not a confession either.  The babies are almost 4 weeks old and I've found a way to dress and get out of the house ALMOST every day.  Or to have people over to give me some kind of break and adult conversation.   It's vital.  It's important to me that I feel and look good in some small way every day.  It seems vain, but it's all part of doing better every day.  If I'm not moving forward, I'm moving backward.  Online AA meetings are vital and saving my ragged ass.  What did young moms do without online meetings?  They are on my gratitude list for sure these days.

My babies have red lipstick all over them some days.  Don't call the DCFS,  It's from me kissing them with red lips.  Well, maybe on Hall it's actual red lipstick, but you know, just a little bit.  I CAN'T STOP KISSING THEM!

I whine-cried to my dear sweet dumpster husband this morning as I was feeding and pumping at once and he was leaving for work, "I WISH I WAS GOING TO WORK."  I cried a little longer and then it passed and I'm back to smiling and being grateful. Always being GRATEFUL even underneath the TIRED AND THE FRUSTRATED and the COW-LIKE feelings I have right now.  But we laugh.  And we laugh and we realize how lucky we are.  FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS!  You can't feel the highs without the lows.  And it's OK to feel sad or frustrated as long as I keep in mind, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  And you know it always does.

Don't tell anyone, but some of my favorite moments are at 3am when DH gets up to feed one baby and I feed the other and we are half asleep but making each other laugh and encouraging each other and sometimes flying babies through the air because it is the ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE HER STOP CRYING and we share these moments that only he and I will know for the rest of our lives.  

The fact that I used to be up at 3am riding the CTA trains DRUNK OUT OF MY MIND, by myself, in a blackout and not remembering how I got to the south side or back to the place I wound up in the morning is not lost on me.  How I made it out of those situations relatively unharmed and alive is reason enough for me to believe I'm supposed to be here.  Out of my stupors, I got another chance for this MUNDANE LIFE BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.   I get to live in this warm place that has my name attached to it, with paychecks and benefits that I earn and share this HOME - not just a a crash pad, as was my existence for years - a HOME with my dear sweet dumpster husband who really loves me and my two sweet dumpster babies.  I mean, what in the world could be better than all that?

Nothing.  Nothing in the world could be better than this normal, every day, mundane, poopy and bewbie filled life I've gotten myself into right now.  And that, is what gets me up every damn morning.  I AM LIVING THE DREAM.  It's covered in bewbie milk, as is EVERYTHING right now, but it is such sweet bewbie milk, I couldn't be more grateful.  Even through tears.  

Things I Love Thursday - Part 64

There really is so much I love this Thursday and every Thursday that it's hard to narrow it down to one thing.  But 64 times now, I have.  And I feel like I can keep this going forever.  Let's hope so!

Today it's kind of random thoughts on this here blog and funny shit about babies.  Cuz, you know, that is where I am right now in my life, and this blog is all about what's in my head and heart right at this moment.
  
I understand that reading my posts and my blog may be difficult for those who are struggling with trying to have or adopt a child.  I am constantly aware of how this feels because I was there too.  I want you to know that I never take any of this for granted and I know every second how very lucky we are. I do my own version of praying and sending love and light and hope and gratitude out to the universe for me and for you many many times a day.  I hope with all my heart you find happiness and gratitude for where you are in life and for what you have.  I get the most notes from people about sobriety and the struggle to get it and keep it, or for trying to create or add to your family.  For those notes, I am so grateful, and I believe in you.  

SOBRIETY and my journey to create a family are the two things I blog and talk about the most.  It's what this blog is about and I am so grateful you take the time to share and read it.

This is the status I posted yesterday on the Facebook Page -

"Good morning lovely capable dependable and full of hope Divers! Did we all make it through yesterday? We did! Today is another day to do better and be better. And to learn way more about being a good mama. Sobriety and motherhood are what I was meant to practice. And they go hand in hand. This is the best gig ever. Have a great day, everybody! *blowing you kisses*"

This is so true and if you regularly read my blog you know I am so grateful to be sober and ONLY BECAUSE I AM SOBER do I get to be a mama and do I get to be gifted with these babies. And the fact that all of you share in this journey with me just makes it so much more fun and also makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger and more profound than just sitting in our apartment every day with these two little ones and KEEPING THEM ALIVE.  Oh my gods, HOW AM I KEEPING THEM ALIVE?  

But more than that is the idea that every day, I WILL FAIL.  I will fail at life, as I always have, as you always have, but the difference is today we can learn from it and hopefully not keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and over and expecting different results.  This is becoming especially clear right now as I messily and sometimes desperately flail around trying to be a good mama to these two little squishy beings that are entirely in my dear sweet dumpster husband's and my care.  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FEED TWO BABIES THAT ARE 17 DAYS OLD AT THE SAME TIME?  Holy shite, will that humble your cocky arse but quick. 

And man, DO I EVER FLAIL (think Kermit arms flailing about and that's kinda how I look several times a day right now). 

Here are my immediate gripes:

1. These babies STILL cannot make a decent cup of coffee.
2. They are so damn cute.  I mean really, tone it down a bit.
3. They don't know how to give me a proper manicure, and gods forbid, if I paint my nails myself, they inevitably cry and I mess up my nails trying to calm them down.
4. They smell really really delicious.
5. THEY ARE HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME.
6. I AM HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME. 
7. They exhibit shoddy workmanship when I force them to put together all the furniture we keep getting from IKEA.  Lazy, really.
8. Bewbies.
9. They are only 6 to 7 pounds and sometimes they absolutely terrify us way more than a huge hulking menacing terrifying awful bad bad man.
10. They can't seem to focus on things I want them to really focus on.  Like noticing and commenting on how cute I look today.  I mean, I wore this dress for you, babies.
11. OH MY GODS MY BEWBIES ARE SO FULL OF WHITE STUFF.
12. These babies are pretty poopy.  You understand.  POOPY ALL THE TIME!
13. I get to practice baby juggling with two babies and feeding both at once.  This terrifies and excites me all at once.  It's like the ultimate test of determination and hope at the same time. 
14. DID I MENTION MY BEWBIES?
15. They really are a great way to lose weight.  I've lost almost 40 pounds now of the 55 I gained while pregnant.  Now if I can just get this c-section business to heal I can get back to spinning!  WOOT WOOT!  Stupid c-section.  

I'll close with this.  The Thing I really Love this Thursday is this - I love that we can joke about babies and bewbies and also sobriety - the serious yet very funny with perspective - stuff in life.  It's really the only way we can get through all this stuff every day without crawling in the corner and going fetal like a - you guessed it - LIKE A BABY.  Laughter is good.  Not taking things so seriously is good.  When I drank it was serious.  I drank to escape the seriousness of life and my desperate unhappiness and hopelessness.  There is no need for that today.  Today we celebrate the funny and the awesome.  For that, I am so grateful.  That, and, babies are pretty squishy and I love that too.  Flailing and squishy go quite well together.  

Gratuitous Hall & Oates and Sally Boy shot.

  

There's Something Happening Here

There is something happening here.  What it is ain't exactly clear.

OK OK it is clear.  Exactly clear.  And it isn't war.  It's love.  It's hippy dippy trippy love for babies that a few years ago I didn't even know I wanted or needed.  It's fierce and it's growing every single minute.  I know I'm not the first woman to ever experience this kind of love. Not only for babies but for my husband and my family and friends who are so very helpful and generous. 

It's this unexplainable overwhelming urge to catch my heart as it beats out of my chest when she locks eyes and smiles at me.  Or when he reaches out his hands and grabs my chest with the force of a tidal wave but with tiny little hands that need me for everything right now.

What did I do to be given this gift of life?  Of lives?  Not just for babies, but for me.  I'm a second chancer and because I am sober and stay sober I get these gifts.  I don't deserve them.  Why do I get all this and so many don't?  My heart breaks when I hear the stories of heartache that people go through and it ups my gratitude 8 million times over.  I want to give everyone this gift of hope and love and light.  I am asking myself all the time why I am living this life that is so beyond my wildest dreams I can't quite reconcile it.  And yet, I am grabbing on with both hands and holding on so tight so that I don't fuck it up. 

If life were fair, I would be dead.  But I'm not.  And I'm doing my best to make sure this life is full.  FULL OF LIFE AND LOVE AND AS MUCH HAPPINESS AS WE CAN STAND.  Mixed in with heartache and disappointment and failure that makes the highs so much more sweet. 

I screw things up.  It's what I've done in the past.  It's what makes me a second chancer.  It's what makes a lot of us second chancers.  We were given an opportunity to do things over, better, smarter, with more hope and gusto than we ever thought we could muster.  And I believe in us.  I believe that we can do this without losing everything. Again.  I did that once.  And I'm hoping it was enough.  I'm hoping if I practice gratitude as much as I can, I don't have to lose everything again. 

Sure, I will fail and make mistakes.  I didn't know I wanted this life until I let go and fell completely for the man who is my heart.  And now he and I get to share two teeny tiny hearts that are just starting out.  I get a chance to do better and be better every day with these little lives.  They make me better. 

Just like sobriety makes me better.  You see a theme here?  I stay sober and I get the chances.  I get the opportunities I never thought I would have.  I stay open to learning and loving and failure, and I get the life beyond my wildest dreams. 

This is not a new message.  This is not something profound that I am experiencing that no one has ever experienced before.  What is new is that it's happening to me.  And it can happen for you. Maybe not in exactly the same way and you may not want any of this, but you are worthy of second chances.  I'm full of hope today.  And really, isn't it a great day to be alive?

 

HOW IS THERE SO MUCH MILK IN THERE?

Well we did it.  The delivery was way harder than we were thinking it would be (BIG SHOCK, HUGE) as I wasn't dilated at all and they had to put a FREAKING BALLOON MY HOOHA and 6 hours later I was kinda dilated.  So we pushed.  For THREE HOURS we pushed.  And THEN the doctor said, this isn't happening and we are at risk here, so we need to do a C-section.  We were bummed.  And then I was so drugged up I was kind of hysterical and having a panic attack but then we heard the cry.  The first cry from the boy came out (at 6.2 pounds) and then right afterwards the girl (at 5.3 pounds).  And while I don't remember much from those first few hours -  frankly I had the shakes that so vividly recalled detoxing and delirium tremens which TERRIFIED ME more than anything else -  it was simultaneously the worst day and the best day of my life. 

The babies were born.  And now we are all home after 4 days in the hospital.  I am still in pain, but I am healing well and my dear sweet dumpster husband has been so much more than incredible I cannot put into words what the last week has truly been like.

You know, I was the first woman to ever be pregnant and now I am the first woman to ever have a birth story and to fall in love with her babies.  I know, I know.  I'm very unique in that all these feelings are happening.  I'm laughing and crying a lot.  There are so many emotions.  But you know what?  I am FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  And they aren't all pretty or rational - that's why they are FEELINGS - because feelings are not fact, but I'm so grateful to feel them ALL.  Most of them are chock full o'love and gratitude.  Some are overwhelming and scary.  But that's the way this all goes.

My scar hurts and bewbies are so sore, but what an amazing experience.  These babies are letting us sleep quite a bit and actually they are into a routine already that is giving us ample time to just enjoy them and still get some other stuff done.  Mostly though, we are just loving this time with them. 

Here are some random thoughts that need to be shared -

• HOW IS THERE SO MUCH MILK IN THERE?   You know what I'm talking about.
• I have lost 30 pounds out of 55 that I gained.  In one week.  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?  Best diet ever.  Just get knocked up with twins and give birth.  KABLAMMO.
• My maternity clothes are all packed up and in storage ready to be passed onto the next lady I know who gets to be fashionable and pregnant.  Mostly I wore my regular clothes and we shall see how totally stretched out they got from MY HUGE BELLY.

I leave you with this gem from my dear sweet dumpster husband.  I think the 2nd or 3rd night in the hospital (the babies and husband stay with the mama all the time in my room) at 2am or something, he says, "Parents of single babies?  PUSSIES."  Man, we needed that laugh at that time.

Also, after all the nonsense of a day and half of ballooning and labor and c-sections, he says, "I've seen some things."  And indeed he had.  We both had.  But we are so grateful to be here and with these babies.  WE HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT.  And we are excited to see a whole lot more.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 63

Most of the conversations, well, a lot of the conversations in our place since I've been pregnant and well, long before that, have started out with me saying to my dear sweet dumpster husband, "your wife is an idiot."  Then he patiently waits while I tell him why I am an idiot.  Then he either laughs with me or tells me, "yeah, that's kind of an idiot thing to do or say", or he says, "it's OK, baby" and we move on from there to the next idiotic thing I do.

This morning it was the ongoing battle with the washing of the baby bottles for the first time and then the putting them back together and OH MY GODS WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MANY GOTDAMNED PIECES?

NONSENSE!

I should have never taken them apart to begin with.  That was my real downfall.  I shoulda just sprayed them with Lysol as I said I would do and then run away cackling like a hyena at the silliness. 

So of COURSE this morning after they were all washed and laid out to dry with care, it took me approximately 25 minutes to put them all back together again.  After much swearing and Sally Boy meowyelling at me asking what my freaking problem was, after I googled how to put them together because one set was missing all the lips, after putting new lips in my AMAZON CART but thankfully not hitting "purchase" yet, something in my teeny tiny brain clicked and I found the part I was missing tucked inside another part. 

So, a happy dance of epic proportion ensued and Sally Boy was kind of enjoying it, Eliza Jane Doolittle was looking on in disgust with how stoopid I am, and all was right with the world. 

BUT IT WASN'T.  Not until I picked up the phone to tell my dear sweet dumpster husband what an idiot his wife is.

And so I did what I do.  And lately, with my voice being on the total fritz, I sound like a seal or a terrible barking dog with serious pain going on and yet, he still answers almost every time I call him to tell him my next idiotic escapade. 

Now, I am a big bonnet head and do you think that the Ingalls would have ever put up with this nonsense? NO.  EMPHATICALLY NO.  They were lucky if they had any milk to drink from bewbies or otherwise, and they didn't supplement with Charles giving a bottle of milk or any of that sissy business like we do today.  So, I am going back to that time.  I'm slamming on my bonnet, it will be fabulous of course, but bonnet it shall be and I will rock the heels under my prairie garments and not worry about the settings on the dishwasher or the washer and dryer and all these new fangled baby options with special detergent and all that NONSENSE! 

OK, so you know I'm kidding, but only slightly.  There is a saying in the rooms of AA, "KISS"  KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.  For me, in every area of my life, it's imperative that I KEEP IT SIMPLE.  Including babies. 

I think the more nonsense we incorporate into our lives and into our baby's lives, the more difficult things get for all of us.  So, I vow to do my best to keep them safe and in one piece, but that's the most I'm going to promise right now.  My mom dropped me on my head, and I turned out JUST FINE. 

Ya know that bargain bleach at the store that is always on sale?  Yeah, well, that's their bathwater.  DISINFECT, BABY!  KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!

I've got a dresser full of clean tiny adorable ridiculous clothes, some for boys and some for girls and some for who the hell cares - baby David Bowie or someone -  but they are all these little "sacks" as DH calls them, and that's what these babies will be lucky to wear for a while.  SACK EM' UP!  But dammit they are so cute.  So so tiny and cute and sweet and smell so darn good.  And the onesies.  I cry every time I hold up the newborn white onesie that is smaller than my hand almost. 

So, as I sat again last night watching the first season of Homeland with my dear sweet dumpster husband and not ONE but BOTH of these kiddos had hiccups at the same damn time, I marveled at the fact that I can keep this simple, stupid, even though it's about the most profound thing I will ever do to grow two humans in my belly at one time. 

The Thing I Love This Thursday is that we CAN choose to reel it back in and K.I.S.S.  Really and truly, we can reel back in the crazy.  Even if we have to keep doing it over and over and over and over as I do and will have to do the rest of my life.  TOOLS to handle life on life's terms are something I never had until I started working a 12 step program.  And man oh man, are my husband and my babies the better for that whole thing. 

Sunday is eviction day, people.  Hall & Oates shall meet the world.  I will post here as soon as we are able and willing to put them out there.  I know they are excited to meet you.   Thanks so much for all the love and support!

Things I Love Thursday - Part 62

Random Thoughts from a Diner on a Snowy Day in Chicago

The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING IN THE MOMENT.  Or rather, trying my damnedest to be in the moment. 

TEENY TINY COFFEE CUP CHEERS TO YOU!

I'm sitting in a greasy spoon diner and eating breakfast by myself, well, with you all really, but you get my drift. It's snowing here in Chicago - WHICH IS MY FAVORITE, and I am approximately 11 days away from being induced to have these two babies.  My belly hardly fits behind the table and my belly button is so protruding that it is intimate with every object and person we come anywhere near these days.

The servers all want to hear all about the babies and then feel badly as I don't have a voice to talk. But they smile and coo and are so excited for me. I told my husband as we were walking around downtown the other day that people like to smile at me. He saw it too and started saying, "oh, she just smiled at you!" And it's true. I am that pregnant lady that I would smile at before. I am her.

As I've tried so hard to be in the moment through this entire process, since getting sober really, but especially since we've gone through IVF and then being pregnant, I am in the moment today. Being in the moment is difficult. It is something that takes practice and perseverance. And no whining - or getting over the whining RIGHT QUICK. And I've done my share of whining the past couple weeks as I've been so sick. The babes are sucking all my healing out and that's OK, I just want to be able to do my best for them when we go into labor.

This is my one time to be pregnant. We have special circumstances that I don't talk about here out of privacy, but this is it. And as you well know, I am the first and only woman to ever BE pregnant, and I have really enjoyed the hell out of it. I've had such an easy pregnancy all things considered. Or maybe I'm just so grateful to be pregnant that I just have made the best of it this whole time, but this couple weeks of being sick has rocked me. I find myself whining and crying and feeling badly and thinking, this just sucks.

It doesn't suck. I'm still pregnant with super healthy Hall & Oates and they are not wanting to come out on their own, obviously, so we will induce at 38 weeks, which is roughly January 6, 2013.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

Here's looking at you kids. No make up or nothin'. Just braids and an owl hat.

So, I feel like shit with my ears and my throat and my head swimming with this nasty virus, but I'm saying this to you as much as to me, IT SHALL PASS. The person who has it the worst right now has got to be my dear sweet dumpster husband. Man, is he a champion. He's stepped up to EVERYTHING and is also my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I've been negative and he's been positive the past couple weeks, which is kind of a role reversal for us. But as usual, we balance each other out. When I'm down, he's up and vice versa.

I am so grateful for him and my life that it literally hurts my heart to think of how amazingly lucky I am. I'm sitting in this diner in this amazing city I live in with a laptop thinking, "AM I A WRITER? WHO'S LIFE IS THIS? AM I REALLY PREGNANT? OH MY GODS THEY ARE COMING IN A MATTER OF DAYS! WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM?"

See? Random thoughts. But when I really think about it, not so random at all. This is my life. This is our life. We created it. We made it by our choices and what was thrown at us. What did we do with that? How did we handle it? What did we choose about our circumstances? To accept and make the best of them or to complain and be a victim?

These are the moments. These are the thoughts. These are the times that define our lives and Ferris Bueller had it right, if we don't slow down and look around every once in a while, we miss it. So, I feel like shit. This is the only time that I will get to say, I am so super sick but it's OK, because I'm giving everything I have to my babies, who are healthy and we get to meet them so very soon.

I'm sure you're tired of my rambling, but this is where I am today. I have two women at our apartment deep cleaning it right now before babies and my little mama come to stay with us. This is such a luxury for me, it feels odd and entitled and yet, I am justifying it by saying, HEY I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY AND IF I WANT TO SPEND SOME OF IT THIS WAY IT IS ALL GOOD. I am huge. I am sick. I am overwhelmed. And I'm giving my husband and myself a gift. And that's OK.

I was just telling a friend this morning that FEAR IS OK. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT FEAR, I PROMISE YOU. Now, if I can 't take my own advice, I'm just full of hot air. And we all know I'm only full of babies and hope and love, no room for hot air.

I am in this moment of being terrified and being grateful and being sick and being excited. I am feeling ALL THE FEELINGS and man, does that ultimately feel good. I'm not tamping it down with booze or even smokes these days. I am feeling the shit out of this shit. And it is good. Even when it's not.  Know what I mean?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 61

Dear Sweet Grandmama has written you a Schmolidays letter (please go here if you don't know who Grandmama is - it's important to know what the hell is going on, trust me.  Oh and of course, I have a disclaimer at the end.  THANKS!) 

Without further ado --- The Thing I Love this Thursday is GRANDMAMA. Yes, I love this old broad and her judgements and disapproval.  AHEM AHEM AHEM ---

Dear "Divers" (as this trampy tramp Katy likes to call you),

Well, It's been a banner disgraceful year here at the Dumpster Household.  The "lady" of the house spread her legs wide for the devil science and got herself DOUBLY knocked up.  Twins are an abomination!  In Vitro is an abomination!  Shameful really.  She has literally let HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS gaze into her Hooha to get a look at the goods and has absolutely no shame about it.  I heard at the hospital, they were laughing and joking during all this baby making nonsense and I am horrified!  There were so many women just traipsing through the hospital all TRYING DESPERATELY TO GET KNOCKED UP!  In my day, we never tried to get knocked up.  You had the demon sex and you didn't enjoy it and you got pregnant and YOU HID IT FROM THE WORLD AND FELT ASHAMED until you pushed out yet another screaming GIFT FROM GOD.

This trampy tramp Katy CELEBRATES her big round belly by wearing tight clothing and *shudders* defining "maternity skinny jeans" whatever that abomination is.  AND SHE DANCES.  Continually.  Just try to get her to stop shaking her rear. The only thing that could be worse is if she hadn't tricked and married that extremely tall, good looking gentleman she somehow landed despite being a giant hussy who does nothing but TRAMP AROUND in BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK and short dresses and those god awful high heels she favors and refuses to give up even though her belly sticks out two feet in front of her.  SHAMEFUL. 

Did I mention I can't believe that tall handsome gentleman even married her 3 years ago?  I mean obviously he's under some spell of the devil to even consider it and the fact that he stays with her, well, there's got to be some voodoo devil nonsense at work!  But I digress.  That lovely tall tall gentleman is really my special friend here along with the lovely Sally Boy Kitty and Eliza Jane Doolittle.  If only that trampy tramp Katy would get the hell out of our sainted home, we could all be much happier and holier. 

Speaking of Sally Boy, we have had many many tea parties and gossip sessions and beauty makeunders while trampy tramp is out in THE WORKFORCE - shameful.  SHAMEFUL.  She dresses and goes on the public train to a job where she EARNS MONEY and has insurance and asserts herself.  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? 

Anyway, I try and try with Sally Boy to get him to understand what a horrid example of a real woman that trampy tramp is, but every day, like clockwork he is at the door meowyelling acting all easy with affection for her when she walks in the door.  SHE LEAVES HER HOME FOR 11 HOURS A DAY!  She is not home cooking and cleaning and doing her womanly duty.  In fact, her lovely husband (that I could take care of a whole lot better than she does) does more of that type of thing than she does.  She is out EARNING *shudders* MONEY. 

LOOK AT THIS - both kitties on that trampy tramps HUGE belly.  They love her even though she is a hussy.  I try and try with these cats but they keep going back in!

This is my daily life.  I am locked in a jewelry box and forced to be muffled as to criticism when I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP HER NOT TO BE SO TERRIBLY TRAMPY!  But does she appreciate me?  NO.  No, she does not.  She tells me to zip it and locks me in even tighter.  I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Well, I will tell you, "Divers" that this next year it's all going to hell.  She is so excited for her two devil science babies to come but she is going to crumble, I tell you.  I will laugh and laugh when she cries and tells me how difficult it is and then, when those babies smile at me and think I'm pretty and shiny, I will somehow deflect them.  I don't want any sticky baby fingers on me.  These babies will be the tipping point in this house, I will tell you right now.  MARK MY WORDS. I will not soften on this.  Those babies are no good.  No good can come from devil science babies!  Unless somehow they are really wonderful and then, well all bets are off.  Who can resist a baby or even two?

Oh well, another year, another terrible development in the Dumpster Household.  How I ever ended up in this mess I'll never know.  My wish for all of you is that you stay away from the devil science, hold your tongues and keep your bosoms, thoughts and opinions HIDDEN.  Happy Christmas to all and if you don't like it, you don't love America! 

Regards,
Grandmama

DISCLAIMER - Katy is not responsible for the thoughts and opinions expressed here as Grandmama is a total loose cannon and really has no idea what she's on about. 

THERE'S NO TIME!



34 and a half weeks and OHMYGODS 34 and a half weeks! 
Don't worry - these pictures are almost done and you'll never have to see another one!
But until then, KABLAMMO.

You know what I always find disconcerting is that you know these women, family or friends or co-workers and one day they are enormously pregnant and you KNOW they are pregnant and going to have a baby or babies and yet, when one day they are huge and the next day they just HAVE A BABY and then they aren't that person that is pregnant any more. 

It's likely my teeny tiny brain that always has a hard time reconciling this, but it still seems so sudden. And this time, I AM THE WOMAN.  9 months seems like a long time in some ways and in other ways, like the blink of an eye and you JUST SAW THAT WOMAN AND SHE NOW IS A MAMA HOLDING BABIES AND OH MY GODS HER LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

As I've stated before, I am the first woman to ever be pregnant and feel these strange feelings, so bear with me.  It's revolutionary, I know.  HOLD ONTO YOUR BONNETS!

I am so ready to have these babies.  Also?  I AM NOT AT ALL READY TO HAVE THESE BABIES.  I'm paralyzed by how much we haven't done to get ready.  We don't have the nursery that people keep asking about (due to the tiny apartment we live in) but we do have ALL THE THINGS FOR BABIES, SO MANY THINGS.  We don't have a plan in place for a nanny and when I go back to work, 5 months after Hall & Oates arrive.  I keep breathing deep and thinking my little mama will be with us for the first few weeks and she knows what she's doing, thank gods.  We don't have it all planned out and I'm freaking out and yet, and yet, I don't do anything to remedy the situation.

My dear sweet dumpster husband and I keep looking at each other and saying to ourselves and to each other, "IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE."  Which is absolutely true.  All we have to do is keep these babies alive and fed and changed and warm and nurtured and growing in a semi healthy way - both physically and mentally - and we'll all be fine.  Simple really.  *shakes head NOOOOO, not at all simple*

My Sponsor from day one kept saying two things to me, "more shall be revealed"  and "all is well".  And while I wanted to punch her in the throat for saying such nonsense, I now understand EXACTLY what she meant.  If I can keep saying these two things to myself in every area of my life, it makes it so much easier.  Try it.  Say it and then just breathe.  See?  I'm not just whistlin' dixie over here. 

There won't be too many more posts here with me enormously pregnant, and I know some of you are thankful for that.  Most of you though have been incredibly supportive and loving and fun to strap in with me and go on this ride.  And as far as the blog goes, "more shall be revealed".....see?  It's true.  It's evolving and it's still going to be sobriety first, babies second.  And everything else in between.  Life, you know?

Things I Love Thursday - Part 60

This is going to come off as bitter or sweet, hopefully bittersweet.  I LOVE going to work every day.  Even on days where I say, "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED TODAY" I still love that I get to get up and get dressed and get on the train and go downtown to the office every day. 

So, it's begun to hit me that I have a big life change coming on.  Yes, I know, I am a bit slow, but I will be be having babies soon, very soon, and it will mean I will be home for about 5 months with them because apparently babies need their mother for certain things. WHO KNEW?  Pfffft.

We women are incredible.  We can bring home the facon, fry it up in the pan (well, if I cooked that would be true).  I have is an incredible husband who does so much stuff to be helpful and supportive and just always has, like, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all that stuff.  I'm quite spoiled with him as I never had to ask, he just does all this.

Now, yesterday was my first official WORK FROM HOME day.  It's been coming as Boss has said, "cut down your hours and work from home when you can."  I am open to it and I feel like I've got the set up, new office chair and fax/copier/scanner all ready to go.  Sally Boy and Eliza Jane are both not at all helpful, but they are furry and cute and distracting.  So, I will be working at home here and there for the next few weeks.

But the thing is, I was incredibly sad yesterday.  Lethargic even.  I know this is coming and if one g-d person says I'm ungrateful for these babies coming, so help me......I keep saying my biggest fear in having babies is other moms.  So please, if you want to give me shit about expressing this sadness right now when the best thing in the world is really happening with these babies, share your judgement someplace else.  This is a judgement free zone. 

We women are so many things to so many people, including ourselves.  I LOVE my work identity and that I am good at what I do and appreciated.  I had 4 people tell me it was so quiet and boring at work yesterday without me.  That MADE MY DAY.  I celebrate that I am wanted and needed here. 

That takes nothing away from how uber excited I am to devote my entire life to these babies for the next several months.  I mean, the rest of my life will be devoted to them, but I will have many other parts of my life as well. 

1. My AA part where I am vital and needed and I SO DESPERATELY NEED AA and all that goes with it.
2. My work part as I will of course, keep working - both because I love my work and because we absolutely have to have the money and insurance. 
3. MY WRITING LIFE!  (yes, I'm slowly realizing that I am, in fact,  a writer) and after I quit doing the acting thing, it's been a definite creative and healthy outlet for me, I will NOT be giving that up. And the people I've met through writing this blog have truly changed my life for the better.  Have no fear, I shall be writing for my sanity and for yours. 
4. My healthy lifestyle that I worked so hard to get going before getting pregnant.  And while I've been pregnant it's been a big part of why I look and feel so good.  I aspire to keep that shit up!  

It's so important that we keep ourselves fully rounded. We are women, gotdammit.  We are way more than just our children.  I say that with all the love in my heart for my babies, but similarly to us needing to be COMPLETELY WHOLE without a partner, we need to be completely whole on our own so that we can give so much to the people and tasks we love.  I say all the time to women I sponsor in AA, we need to be GOOD, WHOLE, COMPLETE without a partner.  Only then, can we fully give of ourselves to another.  And that takes work.  I've been that girl/woman who needed complete validation from a boy/man and it is no good. NO GOOD I TELL YA!  I choose to believe the same philosophy is true with having children.  I wrote about this here before - my babies will never have to see me drunk, if I do the work.

So, you will forgive me when I say that I am beginning to mourn my lifestyle without children.  And it is OK.  When I quit drinking I mourned that lover.  When I quit smoking I mourned that lover.  I am STILL really mourning that lover.  Every damn day.  And just like a relationship, major life changes require adjustment periods and loss and gain and everything in between.  And it is HEALTHY TO ADMIT THIS SHIT. 

My life is going to change.  But it certainly is for the better.  That is the THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.  I can be grateful that I have learned to practice the healthy mourning of change in my life.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It is something to celebrate and acknowledge and share with each other.  No shame.  Only love and appreciation of the moment.  In a healthy supportive way.  We women need each other.  This is no time for judgement.  Just love and acceptance of who we are and what we are feeling.  I'm so in, are you?

The Dread of Slowing Down

I fear slowing down.  I fear that when I go to the doctor they will tell me I have to TAKE IT EASY.  shudders. 

This is more my speed in the next few weeks.

But in the famous words of the immortal Ferris Bueller, who is a righteous dude, "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't slow down and look around once in a while, you might just miss it."

I have a doctor appointment coming up that is most likely going to tell me if and when I need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.    I'm at 28 and a half weeks with twins and everything I read and hear is meant to scare the everloving shit out of me. 

I had our insurance provider calling me every day for weeks on end, a different voice each day, pronouncing my name differently every day, asking me for 20 minutes of my time, every day for WEEKS on my voicemail. 

I finally called back for the FREE SERVICE they offer of basically just SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU and telling you everything that can go wrong with your twin pregnancy.  Over and over and over.  And make sure you call back every other week to tell them how it's going.  Why?  SO they don't have to pay more.  To make sure I'm seeing my doctor regularly and taking care of myself, which I explained I was doing religiously, and that I didn't really have a need for this free service, BUT THANK YOU KINDLY ANYWAY.  I'm confident in my body and my doctors to help me along and tell me what if anything, is wrong.  And NOTHING HAS BEEN WRONG UP UNTIL THIS POINT, and if it is, I will deal with it.  But why why why do they try to scare the shit out us for no reason?  Well, money.  It's all about money right? 

The gazillions of books and the internet and GODS HELP US the chatrooms for twins are terrifying and I JUST SAY NO.  I've done my best to only read a few books on the recommendation of friends who I trust who have twins.  That is it.  Because I KNOW MYSELF and I know I will spiral into a pit of non-stop worry and anxiety about things that COULD happen.  Worry is useless.  Worry is pointless.  And yet, and yet....We all do it.

I keep a regular list of questions and concerns and am in CONSTANT CONTACT with my nurse practitioner, who I keep reminding that I am the FIRST AND ONLY WOMAN TO EVER BE PREGNANT, and she is wonderful.  Takes all the time I need to email and call with me sometimes several times a week.  I am so so grateful for her.  And I make her laugh, which she says is a welcome relief from the stress she deals with with so many expectant moms. 

We all worry, BUT have the ability to turn it into prayer or some kind of productive action rather than something that just eats at us.  I'm having a hard time sleeping right now for obvious reasons, but worrying isn't really one of them.  The endless cycle of worry is something I know how to control these days.  After years of practice I can put it out of my head, laying in bed at night, after I do my prayers and my gratitude lists, if I'm still worrying about shit, I ask myself, "is this something I can do anything about RIGHT NOW?"  And if not, I say, "RELIEVE ME OF THE BONDAGE OF SELF" to the universe over and over and over and over, and guess what?  I am relieved.  It works.  I may just tire myself out by saying it, but whatever.  It works and next thing I know I'm sleeping. 

The problem is I am working 10 and 11 hour days lately with no end in sight.  And I really love my work.  BUT, I love these babies more.  So, I need to take it easy.  I need to be open to slowing down and not going as hard and as fast as I have been the past few weeks.  I know how to control things at work.  I know I'm good at what I do and I know how to multitask the shit out of this job. 

I know I'm about to lose control like I've never lost control before.  In a completely different way than when I was knocked out on booze all the time.  This having babies nonsense is asking for a  loss of control in a way I've never known.

Somehow this taking it easy and slowing down before they come, may be a blessing.  Tell me it's a blessing because I'm really fighting it right now.  I will absolutely do what's best for these babies, but the slowing down thing is quite difficult.  More difficult than I thought it would be. 

So, I'm projecting.  But I want to be ready for the news from the doctor.  When I hear, "It's time."  I want to say with a great big smile on my face, "OK, Let's do this."  And really mean it.  And you know what?  I think I'm just about there.  Acceptance.  It's something I've gotten really good at.  And can use to my advantage.  I don't have to fight.  I can just accept and be grateful.  After I fight it tooth and nail for a while first, that is. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 56

When I woke up this morning I had a very different idea of what this TILT would be.  Then I got to work and opened my Facebook and saw that I was invited to an event online - called "Katy's Baby Shower!"

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL!?!?!

I went over there and found and a bunch of fellow bloggers and online friends had made up an event for Hall & Oates and Christopher and I that had me in tears and disbelief.  How is it possible that all these people that may or may not even exist in real life had given me such a gift?  Psssst, I think they are real.  And they are big lovely assholes.  As in:

and - 

Both of these were hand crafted by the lovely lady over at The Crumb Diaries

There was the sweet -

From a lovely lady who has been around for a long time and one of my favorite virtual friends. 

from my dear friend at Don't Pet the Sweaty Stuff who knows my feeling on crocs.  But how can you argue with this nonsense?  You can't. 

Something political - hold on!

From my dear Frugalista Blog

And the risque!

Does this give you an idea of the epic nonsense over there?  It is FANTASTICAL.  By the very talented Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness photoshopped, OF COURSE.  But that is my dear sweet dumpster husband and I.  Badass, no?

I mean, there were spazz dancing videos and pictures of all things related to babies and more specifically to Hall & Oates and my husband and I.  I can't begin to share everything that was posted there, the love and the funny is something I will go back and look at over and over and over. 

And her heart grew 8 sizes that day.

I am BLOWN AWAY by the kindness of strangers and yet, they're not really strangers if they know me so well now are they?  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is this kindness.  This generosity, this connection.  These people actually read what I write and pay attention to what I love and what I'm about.  When in the world did that happen?  People were saying really nice things about me and my writing and I'm just in shock, really.  So, I'm needing some time to digest it all and while I do, I wanted to share just a taste of what happened over there.  Again, I have only scratched the surface on what went on over there, and I couldn't possibly post everything by everyone that was so lovingly thought out and shared there.  FOR ME.  I am so so so grateful for the people I've met through this blog.  It's truly magical the connections we can form if we are open to it. 

p.s. if you were not in on that shower, but want to send me virtual wishes or videos or pics, PLEASE DO!  I'm at kitkatkootie1@gmail.com or you can always post to my wall on the Facebook Page. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 55

I have a SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT.  I am not the first person to ever have babies. Take a moment. I know, I know.  I should have given you more warning, but there it is. 

We all recovered from that revelation?  OK, good.

I liken this whole being a mama thing for the first time to sobriety and how I am certainly not the first person to get sober and to try to help other people get sober WHEN THEY ASK FOR HELP.  Not unsolicited, mind you.  I ain't no door to door salesman on sobriety, or babies.  Or ANYTHING for that matter, because nobody likes that and it gets doors slammed in your face everywhere you go.  Lead by example is always the best way to be, in my experience. 

The mamas I know that I admire don't tell me how or what I should be doing.  They just do their deal and I watch and admire and try to soak up their awesomeness.  And they don't keep saying "JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE POOP EVERYWHERE and THINGS ARE MISERABLE AND YOU NEVER SLEEP AGAIN."  They let me experience every feeling I feel for the first time and don't try to squelch my joy about it.  They let me experience it myself.  And isn't that what we all want?  To feel and experience life as it comes and not have someone TELL US what we are going to see and do and feel?  We can form those reactions on our own, thankyouverymuch.

I ASK QUESTIONS.  Some of the mamas in my life are sick to death of my questions, I am sure, but they are patient and kind and let me ask and deal with my ignorance in a loving way.  I am so fortunate to have online and real life friends who I admire and who let me ask anything and share my every thought and feeling with them and they are just joyful with me.  I am so so grateful for that. 

SO, I kind of think of mamas, and papas for that matter, I admire as Sponsors.  Or at least people I really really admire in the program of AA and I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE.  See where I'm going with this?

People write and tell me they are drunks and OH MY GOD TELL ME WHAT TO DO! You all know what I say, I say GO TO AN AA MEETING.  What do you have to lose? That's ALWAYS my answer.  Even after reading my blog all this time where I extol the virtues of the program in helping me get and stay sober, be happy joyous and free, PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO DO THE WORK.  They don't want to go to AA meetings and certainly don't want to do the hard work of the 12 steps.  Or really change anything about their lives because it's all WORKING OUT SO GREAT RIGHT NOW.   Because that's fine for you Katy, but not for me.  BUT HOW DO I GET THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU HAVE?  See what I am dealing with here?  They still think they are different and can do it on their own. I cannot do the work for you.  AND IT IS HARD. 

Most of the time I never hear from them again.  But sometimes I hear back and people say they went and they are doing better.  Not everything is all fixed and life is perfect and we're all skipping along singing Kumbaya better, but better.

The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is that so many have walked before me in both being a drunk and having babies. You never truly know an experience until you walk through it yourself but there are basic structures in place to guide us. We don't have to wander blindly because people are there to take our hand and lead the way. If we let them.

I leave you with some structured goodness from our Infant CPR class we took the other night. 

I had this little guy.

And Dumpster Husband had this little guy.

EQUALLY TERRIFYING.  And there were two of them. 

The fact that one was black and one was white is delicious.  

If you've ever been in one of these classes you know this line, "BABY, BABY, ARE YOU OK?"  Well the answer is NO, and you go through the whole CPR strategy and hopefully get them breathing again.  Now, say a lady wears her red red lipstick everywhere she goes and has to breathe into a baby's mouthholes and noseholes to get them breathing?  You best wipe that shit off before diving in.  Which I did...and we have this plastic mouth shield thing, because, you know, germs.  GROSS. 

The best part was this video that the nurse leading the class played so we compress the tiny baby's chest to the beat, THIS BEAT:

So when you are completely freaking out and giving CPR to your teeny tiny baby, at least you can still get your disco on.  So that's good.

ALSO, I am almost 26 weeks pregnant and as we were sitting in that class, I SAW my stomach moving for the first time.  Like punches.  From my little girl, is my guess.   I started giggling so hard and loud and grabbed my husband's hand, but of course she stopped.  We are now playing the game of OH THERE IT IS!  and then no, it's gone.  He'll feel it soon.  He's got to.  They are dancing up a STORM in there.  Woke me up at 5 am with their shenanigans.  WHY I OUGHTA......



This Thursday, I am grateful and in love with those who walk before me with grace and dignity and love and patience.  In sobriety and in babydom.  I salute you!

Nonsense! And Shenanigans! Updates from the Dumpster Household

Y'all know about Grandmama, right? Please check out that post so you know what I'm on about here, and, you'll get to see my favorite part of that post is the comment from Dumpster Husband. 

Sally Boy with Grandmama.  T R O U B L E.

We have loads of fun in the Dumpster household, mainly because my dear sweet Dumpster Husband (DH) is so damn funny.  And this is all years before any munchkins come along, can you EVEN IMAGINE?

We do voices you see.  Which is not uncommon.  We do voices and personalities for our kitties of course, but the Grandmama thing is just a bit over the line of awesome.  And then of course we are diving into voices for the wee babes now too.  I can't tell you who does what voice exactly because we both do them all.  You enter our apartment and it just happens.  Sometimes it happens when we aren't even at home, but we are just talking for all of them.  Sometimes people get caught up in the nonsense and wind up talking back with them.  Don't blame us, it just happens.  If you've been in our place and participated in this nonsense, you know I'm talking about YOU.  And I love you for it.  AND a bunch of you here and on the Facebook page have participated in these shenanigans, SO DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.  You love it. 

Between Eliza Jane Doolittle, Sally Boy Kitty and Grandmama, we have a full house of lunatics.  My sister in law lovingly tells us, wide eyed and open mouthed, that our kids are going to be the WEIRDEST.   And then we laugh and laugh because we all know it's true.  In the most wonderful way.

Grandmama is of course, more brutal than ever in that I'm doubly knocked up and not even naturally as the good lord would want it but by the DEVIL SCIENCE and hope and love!  Not by accident like it used to be in her day, by force even, but I ACTUALLY WANTED TO GET PREGNANT like a harlot or a jezebel or a damn hussy.  LEGS IN STIRRUPS!  Medical devices!  The word INSERT was used repeatedly!  HEAVING BOSOMS EVERYWHERE!   Grandmama is horrified.  So, she stays locked in the jewelry box lately until she can open her mind a bit more and be more accepting, which we all know isn't going to happen.  I hear Sally Boy and she still do have their standing tea parties but he is really the only one who dresses up these days, and now he's really dressing up in baby clothes since those are just sitting around the bedroom WAITING TO BE WORN for gods sake. 

And now with me being doubly pregnant and TWO babies (Hall & Oates) eating my brain power - which I'm pretty sure uses up about 84% of my meager powers to begin with, things are really fun. 

Example from this morning as we're running out the door to catch the train:
*we have street cleaning in Chicago, and since we all park on the streets, they put up signs as to which day you have to be NOT PARKED on that side of the street so the sweepers can come through, Today our car is fine, but tomorrow, we have to have the car moved to the other side than it's on now and if you do it late tonight it will be a bitch to find a spot* Got all that?

DH: "It's gonna suck that we get home late and I will have to scramble to move the car."
Katy: "Can you do it now?"
DH: *silence for a moment* "Well, no, because we have to have it off this side for today's street cleaning."
Eliza: "Why did you marry such a dumb ass, sir? I've never heard such nonsense. You're better than that, sir."
Katy: "Thanks for your support, Eliza. I appreciate that coming from the kitty I rescued."
Sally Boy *yelling from the other room*: "Why don't you just move the car now?"
Katy: "That's my boy.  Thanks Sayee."

Are you getting the picture? Eliza is on Team DH, even though I rescued her 16 years ago and DH only met her about 5 years ago THEY ARE IN LUUUURRRRVE.  Sayee is USUALLY on Team Katy, but it really could go either way as he's a pretty easy little guy to get along with, but also he's not that bright.

We have a box in our place right now, like a delivery box from eBay or something that Sally Boy runs in and runs around in circles like a fookin' idiot and then walks out of all calm and cool like nothing happened.  DH named this box Idiot City.  Sally is a the Mayor of Idiot City.  He will soon have to run for re-election.  Would you vote for Sally?

In closing I will tell you that we have an Infant CPR class to attend tonight.  I'm pretty sure we will either get thrown out and banished from babydom forever, and we may be asked to hand our babies over upon delivery. OR we will rock that shit. If there is a doll involved, there WILL be trouble.  It's the doing it together and having fun doing it that I cherish the most.  All of it.  The terrifying and the hysterical.  The terrifyingly hysterical?  Anyway, the partner in life and appreciating that you've found who you are supposed to be doing life with is truly something I never thought I would have.  It all goes back to hope and gratitude and fun.  Always. 

Two Women, Two Connections

I have had two connections with two different women in the last few days that have stayed with me.

Connection Number 1:

Last Saturday we were at a store and I saw a woman with a double stroller, just like we want, with twins, so I JUMPED ON TOP OF HER AND WRASSLED HER TO THE DEATH AND THE VICTOR GOT THE STROLLER.  I mean, I stopped her and nicely asked, "where did you get that stroller?"

This woman seemed happy to chat, and I asked about her babies and said we were expecting twins and were at 24 weeks.  She said HER BABIES WERE BORN AT 24 WEEKS.  And they were 1 pound each.  My heart about stopped.  I got tears in my eyes as I so often do these days and she was just beaming back at me.  Looking at her two healthy and smiley, yet small babies, I asked, "how are you now?"  She replied, "we are good." With a great big smile of gratitude on her face.  I touched her shoulders and said, "I am so glad to hear that."  I wanted to hug her.  I wanted to wrap her up and tell her I loved her.  Is that weird?  She was radiating gratitude and happiness.  I wanted to hang out with her and follow her around.  SHE IS SOMEONE I WANT TO BE LIKE. 

We parted ways and I just was open jawed awe struck and said to my dear sweet husband, "that would be like us having these babies RIGHT NOW."  And he quietly said, "I know exactly what it means."  We both had a moment of HOLY SHIT, BABIES, YOU STAY IN THERE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE, OK?  And dammit we are so amazingly lucky. 

Connection Number 2:

I went into the doc yesterday and had my glucose testing to see if I have gestational diabetes.  Which means, you fast from the day before and then you have 3 blood tests.  In the middle of them, you drink the sugar water.  ACK!  I also had a check up and flu shot, whooping cough shot, and ultra sounds during this time. 

If you remember, I pass out during the ultra sounds, because with twins when you lay flat on your back the babes cut off the blood flow to your brain for a second or something and anyway, I pass out.  I'm assured this is kind of common, so nothing to freak out about.  Twice during the ultra sounds, which I really like to enjoy, KABLAMMO.  I'm down for the count.  AND, then I like to wake up, sit up and yell, "WAIT, TWINS? You got some splaining to do!" Then comically cross my eyes and fake pass out again.  I'm a big hit over there. 

Actually they are so kind to me and let me lay on my side some times, but they really can't get the images unless I'm on my back, so we do this little PASS OUT, I'M OK, game each time I have an ultra sound now. 

Anyway, as you can imagine after having blood drawn twice, fasting and passing out twice in the last couple hours, by the time I encountered this mommy in the waiting room, I was a bit worse for wear.  She was adorable and said, "are you about ready to eat something?" as she was doing the glucose testing too.  She was 25 weeks along with a singleton, her second baby.  And when I told her I was 24 weeks with twins, she YELLED, "OH MY GAWD YOU ARE TINY FOR HAVING TWINS!"  And I didn't know how to respond.  It wasn't intended as a compliment I don't think.  But I instead changed it back to her saying, "you've done this before?" and she rolled her eyes and complained about how this pregnancy is KICKING HER ASS. 

And then she went on to say, "I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HARD IT MUST BE WITH TWINS".

I just smiled and said, "really, I'm loving every second of it."  I was pretty miserable yesterday morning.  Just ask my husband.  I was out of it, and not feeling the greatest during all the tests, but in that moment it all snapped back to me.  I just said, "we had to go through In Vitro - right across the hall here - and we had no idea we would be so lucky to have it work." 

I went on to tell her our story, how my husband and I have a unique situation and the fact that it worked on our ONE SHOT, is a miracle.  We have babies made of HOPE AND SCIENCE AND LOVE.  And we don't take it for granted for one second as all around us we have reminders of how lucky we are.  Reconciling why this is working for us when so many others are having such a hard time is a whole other struggle I'm dealing with.  WHY US?  I don't have an answer.  My best way to deal with this is to enjoy every moment and not take it for granted for one second.  My gratitude overflows at all times.  Even when I feel like shit. 

When I finished telling her, SHE had tears in her eyes and said, "thank you so much for telling me that.  I feel so much more grateful for what I have hearing your story." And SHE came to ME and laid a hand on my shoulder.  We had a moment. 

It was the circle of love, hope and gratitude.  We have to pass it on.  We all impact each other if we are open to it.  And that impact can be one of positivity and light or of negativity and sucking the joy out of each other.  We are responsible for what we share and what we take on of others sharing. If I weren't sober and able to understand the role we all play for each other, I would have missed out on both of these conections, and so many others that happen every single day if we are open to them.

I leave you with this status I posted on my personal Facebook yesterday, because this is the stuff that I get to experience every day, that many out there never will.  My babies are perfectly healthy right now and every time I think about that, I tear up and I am not ashamed.  The girl baby was so far behind and we weren't sure for the longest time if she would hang in with us, BUT SHE IS, DAMMIT.  She is exactly the same size as the boy and I am profoundly grateful.

"Found out today that it's the little girl who's little tushie is pushing so hard against my belly button. Doesn't that just figure. GIRLS! The boy is being all nice and cooperative in the perfect breech position and the girl is all WOWEEE CHECK ME OUT I CAN PUSH MY MY TUSHIE OUT THIS FAR!"