Things I Love Thursday - Part 60

This is going to come off as bitter or sweet, hopefully bittersweet.  I LOVE going to work every day.  Even on days where I say, "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED TODAY" I still love that I get to get up and get dressed and get on the train and go downtown to the office every day. 

So, it's begun to hit me that I have a big life change coming on.  Yes, I know, I am a bit slow, but I will be be having babies soon, very soon, and it will mean I will be home for about 5 months with them because apparently babies need their mother for certain things. WHO KNEW?  Pfffft.

We women are incredible.  We can bring home the facon, fry it up in the pan (well, if I cooked that would be true).  I have is an incredible husband who does so much stuff to be helpful and supportive and just always has, like, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all that stuff.  I'm quite spoiled with him as I never had to ask, he just does all this.

Now, yesterday was my first official WORK FROM HOME day.  It's been coming as Boss has said, "cut down your hours and work from home when you can."  I am open to it and I feel like I've got the set up, new office chair and fax/copier/scanner all ready to go.  Sally Boy and Eliza Jane are both not at all helpful, but they are furry and cute and distracting.  So, I will be working at home here and there for the next few weeks.

But the thing is, I was incredibly sad yesterday.  Lethargic even.  I know this is coming and if one g-d person says I'm ungrateful for these babies coming, so help me......I keep saying my biggest fear in having babies is other moms.  So please, if you want to give me shit about expressing this sadness right now when the best thing in the world is really happening with these babies, share your judgement someplace else.  This is a judgement free zone. 

We women are so many things to so many people, including ourselves.  I LOVE my work identity and that I am good at what I do and appreciated.  I had 4 people tell me it was so quiet and boring at work yesterday without me.  That MADE MY DAY.  I celebrate that I am wanted and needed here. 

That takes nothing away from how uber excited I am to devote my entire life to these babies for the next several months.  I mean, the rest of my life will be devoted to them, but I will have many other parts of my life as well. 

1. My AA part where I am vital and needed and I SO DESPERATELY NEED AA and all that goes with it.
2. My work part as I will of course, keep working - both because I love my work and because we absolutely have to have the money and insurance. 
3. MY WRITING LIFE!  (yes, I'm slowly realizing that I am, in fact,  a writer) and after I quit doing the acting thing, it's been a definite creative and healthy outlet for me, I will NOT be giving that up. And the people I've met through writing this blog have truly changed my life for the better.  Have no fear, I shall be writing for my sanity and for yours. 
4. My healthy lifestyle that I worked so hard to get going before getting pregnant.  And while I've been pregnant it's been a big part of why I look and feel so good.  I aspire to keep that shit up!  

It's so important that we keep ourselves fully rounded. We are women, gotdammit.  We are way more than just our children.  I say that with all the love in my heart for my babies, but similarly to us needing to be COMPLETELY WHOLE without a partner, we need to be completely whole on our own so that we can give so much to the people and tasks we love.  I say all the time to women I sponsor in AA, we need to be GOOD, WHOLE, COMPLETE without a partner.  Only then, can we fully give of ourselves to another.  And that takes work.  I've been that girl/woman who needed complete validation from a boy/man and it is no good. NO GOOD I TELL YA!  I choose to believe the same philosophy is true with having children.  I wrote about this here before - my babies will never have to see me drunk, if I do the work.

So, you will forgive me when I say that I am beginning to mourn my lifestyle without children.  And it is OK.  When I quit drinking I mourned that lover.  When I quit smoking I mourned that lover.  I am STILL really mourning that lover.  Every damn day.  And just like a relationship, major life changes require adjustment periods and loss and gain and everything in between.  And it is HEALTHY TO ADMIT THIS SHIT. 

My life is going to change.  But it certainly is for the better.  That is the THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.  I can be grateful that I have learned to practice the healthy mourning of change in my life.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It is something to celebrate and acknowledge and share with each other.  No shame.  Only love and appreciation of the moment.  In a healthy supportive way.  We women need each other.  This is no time for judgement.  Just love and acceptance of who we are and what we are feeling.  I'm so in, are you?

The Dread of Slowing Down

I fear slowing down.  I fear that when I go to the doctor they will tell me I have to TAKE IT EASY.  shudders. 

This is more my speed in the next few weeks.

But in the famous words of the immortal Ferris Bueller, who is a righteous dude, "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't slow down and look around once in a while, you might just miss it."

I have a doctor appointment coming up that is most likely going to tell me if and when I need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.    I'm at 28 and a half weeks with twins and everything I read and hear is meant to scare the everloving shit out of me. 

I had our insurance provider calling me every day for weeks on end, a different voice each day, pronouncing my name differently every day, asking me for 20 minutes of my time, every day for WEEKS on my voicemail. 

I finally called back for the FREE SERVICE they offer of basically just SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU and telling you everything that can go wrong with your twin pregnancy.  Over and over and over.  And make sure you call back every other week to tell them how it's going.  Why?  SO they don't have to pay more.  To make sure I'm seeing my doctor regularly and taking care of myself, which I explained I was doing religiously, and that I didn't really have a need for this free service, BUT THANK YOU KINDLY ANYWAY.  I'm confident in my body and my doctors to help me along and tell me what if anything, is wrong.  And NOTHING HAS BEEN WRONG UP UNTIL THIS POINT, and if it is, I will deal with it.  But why why why do they try to scare the shit out us for no reason?  Well, money.  It's all about money right? 

The gazillions of books and the internet and GODS HELP US the chatrooms for twins are terrifying and I JUST SAY NO.  I've done my best to only read a few books on the recommendation of friends who I trust who have twins.  That is it.  Because I KNOW MYSELF and I know I will spiral into a pit of non-stop worry and anxiety about things that COULD happen.  Worry is useless.  Worry is pointless.  And yet, and yet....We all do it.

I keep a regular list of questions and concerns and am in CONSTANT CONTACT with my nurse practitioner, who I keep reminding that I am the FIRST AND ONLY WOMAN TO EVER BE PREGNANT, and she is wonderful.  Takes all the time I need to email and call with me sometimes several times a week.  I am so so grateful for her.  And I make her laugh, which she says is a welcome relief from the stress she deals with with so many expectant moms. 

We all worry, BUT have the ability to turn it into prayer or some kind of productive action rather than something that just eats at us.  I'm having a hard time sleeping right now for obvious reasons, but worrying isn't really one of them.  The endless cycle of worry is something I know how to control these days.  After years of practice I can put it out of my head, laying in bed at night, after I do my prayers and my gratitude lists, if I'm still worrying about shit, I ask myself, "is this something I can do anything about RIGHT NOW?"  And if not, I say, "RELIEVE ME OF THE BONDAGE OF SELF" to the universe over and over and over and over, and guess what?  I am relieved.  It works.  I may just tire myself out by saying it, but whatever.  It works and next thing I know I'm sleeping. 

The problem is I am working 10 and 11 hour days lately with no end in sight.  And I really love my work.  BUT, I love these babies more.  So, I need to take it easy.  I need to be open to slowing down and not going as hard and as fast as I have been the past few weeks.  I know how to control things at work.  I know I'm good at what I do and I know how to multitask the shit out of this job. 

I know I'm about to lose control like I've never lost control before.  In a completely different way than when I was knocked out on booze all the time.  This having babies nonsense is asking for a  loss of control in a way I've never known.

Somehow this taking it easy and slowing down before they come, may be a blessing.  Tell me it's a blessing because I'm really fighting it right now.  I will absolutely do what's best for these babies, but the slowing down thing is quite difficult.  More difficult than I thought it would be. 

So, I'm projecting.  But I want to be ready for the news from the doctor.  When I hear, "It's time."  I want to say with a great big smile on my face, "OK, Let's do this."  And really mean it.  And you know what?  I think I'm just about there.  Acceptance.  It's something I've gotten really good at.  And can use to my advantage.  I don't have to fight.  I can just accept and be grateful.  After I fight it tooth and nail for a while first, that is. 

Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Quit

This is NOT a successories post.  I'm not going to say QUITTERS NEVER WIN AND WINNERS NEVER QUIT or some other bullshit that is likely true, but leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I will say, it is possible to get through the shit and come out the other side and smell pretty damn sweet.  See?  I know, cliche and silly.  But true.  I can't help myself.

I've heard from a lot of twin mommies lately.  Who've been through the shit with their babies who were born premature with terrible odds of health problems, and so many made it through and are today happy, healthy kids.  They didn't give up.  They were fighters and they beat the odds.  There are others who fought just as hard and didn't make it.  And there is no explanation for that tragedy.  None.  I sit here typing with shaking hands as I cannot begin to understand the cosmic reasoning for this fact that we lose some souls every day who fought just as hard as the others but didn't make it.  I feel that way with us being pregnant, why us and not so many others who so desperately want this and have tried all the same things we did, WHY US? 

And then there are the addicts and alcoholics out there who want sobriety, who need sobriety and yet, cannot grasp on and keep it.  WHY ME?  Why am I given this gift every day?  I do the work, but so do many others and they don't get it or they die.  This disease kills people every single day.  I see it and know the people it kills who are just like me.  I cannot sit and focus on the WHY ME aspect of this second chance I've been given, all I can do is be grateful and PASS IT ON.  Pass it all on as much as I can.  

I have this friend.  Who is struggling to find a job.  To find a place.  To find comfort in every day things that most of us -  in this country anyway - at least those of us reading this blog, take comfort in.  That we will have gas money.  That we will have enough food to feed our children and ourselves.  Our pets.  That we will be able to pay our phone bills.  I know this friend is trying her damnedest to make it all work.  She is not sitting on her arse waiting for someone to hand her all the answers, she just wants a damn job!  She is grateful for what she has, but she is frustrated.  I'm pretty sure she wants me to SHUT THE FUCK UP with all my positivity and THIS TOO SHALL PASS nonsense.  But I keep saying what my sponsor and others said to me when I was at my lowest, which was after I got sober, by the way, because things don't magically get better just because we get sober. 

It's ironic that I should say never ever ever ever ever quit, as I am the QUEEN OF QUITTERS.  Smoking, drinking, caffeine, sugar, fake sugar, soda, meat, dairy (which has come back a bit since being knocked up), anti-depressants, cheating, lying, being a terrible person - those are all things I've quit.  And yet, I still say, never ever ever ever quit when it comes to fighting this life of battles. 

You know my story.  I had it all with my family growing up.  I drank it all away and was homeless for a while before going to jail and finally getting and staying sober and having to build everything back up from NOTHING.  But I did it.  But I didn't do it alone.  And I kept going, even when all I did every day was go to AA meetings and didn't even have enough money to put a dollar in the collection basket.  Back then at the clubhouse I went to, they would say, "if you have a dollar, share; if you need a dollar, take it and pay it back later."  I prided myself in not taking those dollars, when in reality they would have made a big difference in how my everyday life went at that time.

To think that one dollar can make that big a difference in someone's everyday existence changes EVERYTHING.  If you've never felt what it's like to not have enough for a bus ride, then you don't know what I'm talking about.  But we all should.  We all should experience what it really feels like to have nothing and be dependent on the kindness of strangers and our gumption to get us through the day without crumbling and giving up.  People do it every day, for years, for a lifetime.  I was fortunate in that mine only lasted a couple years.  I didn't have kids to support and frankly, I have no idea how women who do get through all of this without losing their kids, which many of them do. 

So back to my friend who is struggling so hard right now and feeling defeated and like the world is against her and all her hard work of filling out job applications and praying and working the steps and doing all THE NEXT RIGHT THINGS she can muster, I say, KEEP GOING.  I have been there.  So many of us have been there and it will get better. IT WILL GET BETTER and the only way you can be truly grateful is to have weathered the worst of times and come out of it a better, stronger, fiercer fighter than you ever were before.

I've met so many bitter, hardened, life weary people in my life and that doesn't make you tough.  Hell, I used to be one.  People say I've softened in the past few years, and I admit that I have.  I'm not as bitter or anxious to make sure YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY SUCKS ABOUT EVERYTHING as I used to be as life is pretty damn good once you get to the place of acceptance and gratitude.  What makes you tough is going through HELL and all the SHIT and being the lowest common denominator and  coming out of it with hope and grace and dignity.  And passing this shit onto the next person who needs it. 

At a meeting last week one of the old guys said to me, "I seem to remember a blonde girl pounding on this table yelling, RELAPSE IS NOT PART OF RECOVERY!"  And yes, that was me.  I was angry and I wanted to shove everything in everyone's face.  I don't have to prove anything these days.   I just need to be there for people and not judge them.

The richest people in the world worry about protecting their wealth, when you have NOTHING, anything you have is a gift.  I never ever EVER take that for granted.  I've been on both sides, and I rather like having my comforts taken care of today.  I'm not going to act like I would look forward to having nothing again, but if I had to, I hope I would carry this attitude of THIS TOO SHALL PASS even though it all fucking sucks and I AM TERRIFIED into the next chapter.  Hell this having twins nonsense scares the shit out of us and we don't know how we're going to to do it, but we will some how some way.  And it's all going to be OK. 

None of us know what is next.  None of us can control what happens to us in the grand scheme of things.  All we can do is mentally and emotionally be prepared for the shit to hit the fan, and what will we do when it does?  How will we handle it? 

To my friend and to anyone reading this who has lost everything, HOPE is the most important commodity we have have.  The rest WILL follow. 

Welcome to the Jungle

It's rough in here.

Let's all pretend you don't see me.  And then don't bother me, m'kay?

First things first.  I love my job.  I'm so grateful for my job.  My boss took a huge chance on me almost 10 years ago when he didn't have to and we are doing swimmingly all these years later.  The main reason I love my job so much is because my boss is an excellent man with character and respect and shows appreciation for what I do constantly.

Now, things I've learned and seen while here for almost 10 years.  In the CORPORATE JUNGLE.  a.k.a. Lessons from a Desk Jockeyess. I'm a round circle trying to fit into a square peg.  And I've calmed down a lot.  I don't fire off office wide emails bitching about something ridiculous and get scolded by the Office Manager nearly as much as I did back in the day when I thought I knew everything.  Guess what asshole (meaning me)?  You work in a corporate office.  Get with the program. 

Once I learned to keep my mouth shut and not fight every fight, things got way easier.  It's not my business to feel offended by every single slight that happens to me or to someone else. Jesus, I was a huge asshole when I first got sober.  Which, when I started working here, I was one year sober.  CRAY CRAY.  My boss knew I was one year sober and he did it anyway.  He didn't have to.  I probably should have been fired about 46 times by now.  I couldn't get through a background check back then, I don't know if I could get through one now due to my stays at state run facilities and firings from other jobs, but because I started out temp to perm, I didn't ever have to do one. 

I've learned if I zip it on the whole, the times I do chose to open my gob, it's more powerful.  I pause, I ask opinions of others, and I sit with it for a while before reacting.  And 95 percent of the time, I find I don't need to react.  What a gift.  All tools I learned from the 12 Step Program I work.   I never did that shit before.  I just popped off.  Over and over and over.  It's life changing to be able to pause. 

My reviews from co-workers used to say things like, "Katy is not a team player and her skirts are too short."  Seriously, they said that.  Now, they are glowing and beaming about my attitude and the general length of my skirts and praising my "wicked sense of humor".  When I make a fuss now, it gets taken more seriously than if I make a fuss about every little damn thing.  This is huge stuff.  And it's not to say people actually like me here.  But they don't have to.  That's something I learned as well.  This is a job.  We aren't friends.  If we happen to make a few friends through work, that's just a bonus. 

I'm playing in their world and they are paying me to do so, so it's best I keep my opinions to myself.  Now, if only my co-workers could do the same. 

What I have learned.  Nothing earth shattering, but damn is it tedious and soul sucking.

1. People love to say "Good Morning!"  Seriously, they will fall all over themselves to make a big fucking deal to say good morning to you, and then go on to remain utterly quiet the whole rest of the day.
2. People love to say "Have a good night/weekend!"  See number 1.
3. If you sit in a common area, which I do, in a cube without doors or walls or barriers from the masses, people think you are there as ornament and for their own amusement. EXAMPLE: while I have my headphones on and it's clear to a self-aware human that I am in the middle of furiously typing something, say this blog, humanity stops and stares and wants to talk about something very important. Say, how the football game (everyone knows I hate football) was last night, or "WOW, YOUR PLANTS ARE SO BIG, IT'S LIKE A JUNGLE IN HERE".
   



You know what people don't like?  You making fun of what they say every time they walk by. 
SO STOP FUCKING SAYING THE SAME THING EVERY GOD DAMN TIME.  I made this helpful sign and put it up one day at my cube so I wouldn't have to answer people.  It caused more confusion than it helped. FAIL.

4. "IT'S FUCKING COLD IN HERE".  The single most common phrase I hear from humanity walking past my desk.  I have heard it 846 million times in 10 years.  Without the "fucking" part, of course.  People just cannot help themselves.  How the hell do I respond to that?  If I'm feeling plucky or even hear them, I respond with, "really?  I think it's perfect" and then awkwardness ensues.  If I'm crabby and tired of the bullshit, I don't say anything.  And then awkwardness ensues.
5. THE LADIES ROOM.  Whole. Nother. Level.  WOMEN of the world.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.  Do your business and get the hell out.  No talking.  No loitering.  It's simple.  And for the love of all that is holy, don't talk to me while I'm in a stall.  Did your mothers teach you nothing? 
6. THE OFFICE KITCHEN.  When you enter the kitchen, don't look at whatever is in there and comment about it to whoever is in there.  NOBODY CARES.  Really and truly, nobody cares.  Don't discuss what people are eating or not eating or what they SHOULD try or not try.  It's the most soul suck-and-destroy mission to engage in this type of conversation.  Which is why most times, I walk right back out when someone else is in there.

I don't care.  About most of the shit people say and do here.  But guess what?  They pay me, so Imma shut up and keep my head down.

As I was writing this rantarific post, this quick note came in from a co-worker.  Not all of them are annoying as shit.  At least not all the time.  There are a few co-workers I genuinely like and so appreciate.  Just knowing they are here helps my sanity.

"I just have to say how fantastic you look.  I was going to mention it to you in the kitchen but then ____ walked in and I didn't want to embarrass you.  You have motivated me to get back on track and lose some weight myself.  I've been making a lot of excuses lately and I'm at the point where I'm mentally ready to fight this battle ;-)" 

I met my closest friend, My Lynnie, here at work.  She sat right next to me her first couple years here.  We clicked on every level.  The way you only do with a select few people in life.  Then she had to move aways from me.  Then another good friend moved in right next door.  Leigh Anne is funny and a spaz and exhausting all at once.  I love her heart dearly.  She plays with me like a champion.  She takes my ribbing in good fun and keeps coming back for more abuse.  Eventually she had to move away from me too.  I know they didn't WANT to move away from me.  RIGHT?  RIGHT?  Of course I have my Young Jonathan to keep me laughing and fully plied with pickles and snark.  Other than that and my Boss, I am now alone in my island of cubicles, which Management finally figured out is the safest solution for everyone here.

There have been many lessons learned here in almost 10 years.  The best part?  They pay me for this shit.  And I am so very grateful.