|This is more my speed in the next few weeks.|
But in the famous words of the immortal Ferris Bueller, who is a righteous dude, "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't slow down and look around once in a while, you might just miss it."
I have a doctor appointment coming up that is most likely going to tell me if and when I need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. I'm at 28 and a half weeks with twins and everything I read and hear is meant to scare the everloving shit out of me.
I had our insurance provider calling me every day for weeks on end, a different voice each day, pronouncing my name differently every day, asking me for 20 minutes of my time, every day for WEEKS on my voicemail.
I finally called back for the FREE SERVICE they offer of basically just SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU and telling you everything that can go wrong with your twin pregnancy. Over and over and over. And make sure you call back every other week to tell them how it's going. Why? SO they don't have to pay more. To make sure I'm seeing my doctor regularly and taking care of myself, which I explained I was doing religiously, and that I didn't really have a need for this free service, BUT THANK YOU KINDLY ANYWAY. I'm confident in my body and my doctors to help me along and tell me what if anything, is wrong. And NOTHING HAS BEEN WRONG UP UNTIL THIS POINT, and if it is, I will deal with it. But why why why do they try to scare the shit out us for no reason? Well, money. It's all about money right?
The gazillions of books and the internet and GODS HELP US the chatrooms for twins are terrifying and I JUST SAY NO. I've done my best to only read a few books on the recommendation of friends who I trust who have twins. That is it. Because I KNOW MYSELF and I know I will spiral into a pit of non-stop worry and anxiety about things that COULD happen. Worry is useless. Worry is pointless. And yet, and yet....We all do it.
I keep a regular list of questions and concerns and am in CONSTANT CONTACT with my nurse practitioner, who I keep reminding that I am the FIRST AND ONLY WOMAN TO EVER BE PREGNANT, and she is wonderful. Takes all the time I need to email and call with me sometimes several times a week. I am so so grateful for her. And I make her laugh, which she says is a welcome relief from the stress she deals with with so many expectant moms.
We all worry, BUT have the ability to turn it into prayer or some kind of productive action rather than something that just eats at us. I'm having a hard time sleeping right now for obvious reasons, but worrying isn't really one of them. The endless cycle of worry is something I know how to control these days. After years of practice I can put it out of my head, laying in bed at night, after I do my prayers and my gratitude lists, if I'm still worrying about shit, I ask myself, "is this something I can do anything about RIGHT NOW?" And if not, I say, "RELIEVE ME OF THE BONDAGE OF SELF" to the universe over and over and over and over, and guess what? I am relieved. It works. I may just tire myself out by saying it, but whatever. It works and next thing I know I'm sleeping.
The problem is I am working 10 and 11 hour days lately with no end in sight. And I really love my work. BUT, I love these babies more. So, I need to take it easy. I need to be open to slowing down and not going as hard and as fast as I have been the past few weeks. I know how to control things at work. I know I'm good at what I do and I know how to multitask the shit out of this job.
I know I'm about to lose control like I've never lost control before. In a completely different way than when I was knocked out on booze all the time. This having babies nonsense is asking for a loss of control in a way I've never known.
Somehow this taking it easy and slowing down before they come, may be a blessing. Tell me it's a blessing because I'm really fighting it right now. I will absolutely do what's best for these babies, but the slowing down thing is quite difficult. More difficult than I thought it would be.
So, I'm projecting. But I want to be ready for the news from the doctor. When I hear, "It's time." I want to say with a great big smile on my face, "OK, Let's do this." And really mean it. And you know what? I think I'm just about there. Acceptance. It's something I've gotten really good at. And can use to my advantage. I don't have to fight. I can just accept and be grateful. After I fight it tooth and nail for a while first, that is.