Monday, January 9, 2012

Not Trying to Get Over, Just Trying to Get Through

Fear is debilitating. 

I feel super fragile today.  Like the slightest little touch could send me spiraling into a pit of despair and self pity.  It's irrational.  It's nothing that is tangible or fixable in this moment.  All it is is a feeling.  I know what it is, and it's the feeling of taking the next step on our "get a baby" journey.  I'm scared of the unknown and afraid to have faith that whatever will be will be.   I'm by no means the first, nor the last to walk through this.  Many women, including several close friends, have been through similar experiences, and I am so grateful for their sharing. 

One of the hardest things for me since getting sober is FEELING.  Anything and everything.  Fear is the toughest.  Not only do I not get to drink it away anymore, but I don't even get to avoid it like I want to so desperately.  In accordance with working a decent 12 Step Program, I have to process the fear and walk through it. It's not pretty.  It's not easy.  It's not for the weak. 

Jesus Christ this sucks.  It's the overwhelming, gut wrenching, vomit inducing stuff that happens to people in life.  It's nothing terrible, really.  When I look back after some time and perspective, I think, that wasn't so bad.  It's being responsible and an adult, but for someone who is basically afraid of everything, something new can wreak havoc on my psyche.

It doesn't matter what the specific fear even is.  What matters is that I process it and not run away like my gut tells me to do every single time.  I cannot afford that luxury.  I cannot afford letting something eat at me and defeat me.  For me everything is at stake, meaning my sobriety.  So, I pray about it in my own unchristianlike way, and I try to let it go.  I usually have to let it go more than once.  Sometimes 849 times. A day. 

This is the stuff that I am so grateful for today.  I know that this vomitous feeling in the pit of my stomach will pass.  I know that I will be ok and that this will pass because it has in the past.  It always does.

One of my best friends in AA has this saying, "It all works out in the end.  If it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end".  Corny as shit?  Absolutely.  True?  I hope so.  I believe it is, and that's all I have, right?  What I believe and what I live is all I have.  And just for today, I choose hope over fear.  I choose sobriety over drowning my feelings.  I choose feeling vomitous for a while, rather than self medicating. 

People tell me I'm strong all the time.  And the reason I get to be strong is because I let myself feel vulnerable and weak and ask for help.  If I reach out to help someone else, it diminishes my suffering and my self pity.  You don't get one without the other.  Everyone has their kryptonite.  This is all normal, human stuff.  Emotions that people feel all the time, and walk through with grace and dignity.  I try my best to be one of those people.  10 years sober and this shit is still hard.  I think it always will be. 

FEAR is what kept me drinking for so long and with such desperation.  Today I choose not to use that. Progress not perfection. 


  1. You amaze me more every day Sweetheart ! I admire & respect you so much ! I hope your know how we appreciate you sharing your struggles, hopes & dreams with us ! You give me strength to carry on in my daily struggles ! You are a truly inspirational human being!!! Not too mention.... Absolutely hilarious ! Keep fighting the good fight ! Here's to your dream of a baby coming true in the new year ! You will be a spectacular mommy. !!!! <3.
    Vicky Ward

  2. I love you and your willingness to share with rigorous honesty. You're giving me the courage to be open and honest in my own blog. I guess tonight I will have to write Part 2 of what I started. Smooches!

  3. You are brave and strong....and funny as hell. Hang in....hang in.

  4. Aw, this is beautiful and imperfect and crazy (like YOU). I've never had a problem with alcohol, but we all have our own little addictions and I can really relate to everything you're saying here. Having fear and doing it anyway? That is THRILLING.

  5. You are just simply spectacular. And we are all just doing our best here in this nutty world... That baby is going to be the luckiest baby in the entire world. Sending you good everythings. xo

  6. Some days that fear just go away. having the perspective to know that eventually it will, is pretty huge. I always say that "I know things will turn out ok (even if it isn't the way i envisioned) in the end, they just suck in the meantime". And things really can suck in the meantime! Hang in there.

  7. I think I have a new blog to read! yay for me!

  8. Wow. Just wow. Amazing stuff. I'm speechless. Me. Without speech.

  9. Just awesome. Good on you. Super-good on you for talking about it, and facing the fear.

  10. I just wanted to pull out my highlighter and work over your post. Love the quotes. I am so inspired by your honesty- thinking about and trying to plan for a baby brings out the complete crazy in women. There have been few times in my life that I have felt that vulnerable and on edge.

  11. Big hugs...and like you said, you know in your heart "choose hope over fear." Will walk beside you Katy, so many will. xo Shannon

  12. How did I miss this one? O.o You are a phenomenal woman, and such an inspiration to me. Fear is so debilitating, and your ability to openly and honestly confront it amazes me.

  13. Yes. Perfect. Push through it, Kitty! You're an adventurer in the jungles of time and space. Hold your head high and march on.

  14. Get through.... great way to state it. As half a couple who is trying to adopt, but we have been on the list for 3 years.... i get it. We arent sex specific, race specific or anything , and yet we wait. So for every time i read the news, and i hear about an abandoned baby, or an abused child, or cruelty in any way i want to pull a Kerrigan - WHYYYYYY??? WHYYYY????. Everytime, i hear a woman bitch and moan becasue hse isnt sleeping well, or has to pee more, everytime i hear a co worker bellyache becasue the ultrasound came back and the baby isnt the "right" sex, everytime i see teen mom, i want to smack the snot out of someone. Its So damn hard to work through. It is like you are slapped in the face over and over, and you can never get rid of that sting....

  15. If it wasn't for "Always Sunny" I wouldn't have checked this out - Thank God I did - no small coincidences....I too am in recovery and everything you say is spot on...especially this fear bit. Thanks for sharing that it will pass....I hate that part. Your humor will keep me coming back.

  16. I think I love you. I just found you, so this is kind of like asking someone to marry you before desert on your first blind date, but I think its right. You're the best!!

  17. you're awesome, and you can do this. ♥

  18. I'm not going to say anything but the following. Hope it helps you! You are stronger than you know!

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.

  19. Oh, lady. I didn't think I could admire you more. You proved me wrong. Again.