Thursday, January 26, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 24


I am a misfit.  I am an alcoholic.  I am a late bloomer and a social undesirable. I am not who advertisers cater to.  I am less than.  I am a woman closer to 40 than to 30.  I am childless, for now.

But you know what?  I wouldn't take back any of the shit that I've gone through that have made me who I am. 

I LOVE MISFITS.

I was in jail.  I was homeless.  I had hallucinations.  I had delirium tremens.  I was hopeless.  But today, I choose hope. 

I have compassion for those that most people choose to look down on or ignore. The undesirables.  They are who I feel closest to.  It's an odd thing to feel that way, when in reality today my life is fucking amazing.  I have a soul that is full.  I have a spiritual bank account that helps me get through every day trials, big and small.  But I didn't always have all this.  I did the hard work.  And I keep my past very close, so I don't go back there.  If people hadn't been kind to me when I had nothing, most of all a full soul, I would be dead. 

I wouldn't be funny if I weren't an alcoholic.  People who knew me in high school don't remember me being outspoken and funny.  And part of that is due to getting older and perspective and confidence, but a lot of it is due to going through so much pain that you can laugh at yourself. 

We are a proud lot, us misfits.  I am talking about people who don't fit the social norms and how we are always trying to fit in but then one day it just clicks, that, you know what?  I don't even want to fit in.  And we say screw all that bullshit and grab our own truth by the balls and live our own god damn life. 

This is not an Oprahism.  This is not a rah rah let's all love on each other and blow smoke up our own asses post.  This is simply to say, I LOVE MISFITS. 

When you can safely and confidently say, I am recovering, from whatever the hell you went through, you are free.  And to people who want that, it is there for you. 

My heart beats loudest for animals and for misfits.  And for misfit animals.  When people admit their shortcomings and, even better, can laugh at them, they earn my respect.  When people want to get better, and I see them trying?  It makes me want to try harder. 

I can't rescue people.  They need to rescue themselves.  But I can try to help.  Many people helped and are helping me.  The circle goes on.

I'm inspired by fighters.  I'm intimately acquainted and in love with addicts and alcoholics.  But I'm also, on this side of it, inspired by friends and family of addicts and alcoholics.  It's a special kind of hell those people go through with the sick people they love. 

When you really think about it, we are ALL misfits in some way, shape or form.  Some of us hide it way better than others, or they think we do.  I choose to yell it out in the hopes that it helps someone else.  My single greatest joy on earth is helping other alcoholics.  It is better than any drunken high I ever got. 

I love misfits.  And to those of you out there trying your damnedest to get better - to be better - please keep going.  You are not alone, and I promise it does get better.  We all need each other.  I say it a lot, it's not easy, but it's so worth it. 

I've been OBSESSED with this song by Rihanna.  I have it on repeat and play it LOUD.  And now that I see this video, it makes it click even more. Sorry for the ad at the beginning, but stay with it.
 
We found love in a hopeless place. What an anthem. It's so good until it's not. And then we have to find love in a hopeless place. And we can. And we do. And we go on. And we get better and thrive more and more.

There are times you have to walk over the bodies.  It's true, if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't help others and if it's sucking you dry, it's no good for anyone.  But we can try to help.  Life is meant to be lived well.  Not with things or money, but with relationships and with laughter.  That is my goal anyway.
 
So MISFITS?  Rage on.  I am proud to be among you. 

19 comments:

  1. Gosh I <3 you so hard. So spot-on!

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  2. Once again, you made me tear up. Not something I do if I can help it. I swear that every time you post about being an alcoholic, I fall a little more in AA love with you. Toward the end, when you talk about walking over the bodies really hit me. You aren't kiddin'. I have almost helped people to DEATH...theirs or mine at one time or another. You're right - I can't save anyone and no one could have saved me.

    I suppose it's your alcoholic sense of humor that first drew me to you. Seriously, people in recovery are some of the funniest people I know. Maybe after living through hell and making your way back, things aren't as serious anymore. I'll try to remind myself of that the next time my FAVORITE pen runs out of ink, or the lady in line in front of me waits until the cashier gives her the total before she pulls out her checkbook and starts asking questions like, "Ok. Who do I make it out to? How much was it?" I mean really, I'm in a hurry to go nowhere specific with no set plans, and you're just IN MY WAY!, or the next time I'm being "mommy, mommy, mommy"ed to death, and the next time I trip over a stray pair of shoes and want to bite one of the kids, only to realize they're my own damn shoes...you know, all those seriously DIRE situations we often find ourselves in. lol

    I love being about to laugh at the ridiculous things that come out of my mouth. Hell, I love being able to RECOGNIZE the ridiculous things that come out of my mouth!

    I love you Ms. Classy with a side of Sassy!

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  3. Like most we know, our stories mirror each other...one day, one day I will tell you just how you ended up saving me...and you didn't even know it.
    You and Bonnie.

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  4. And you said you had nothing to write about. Consider this recovering fat kid part of your merry band of misfits.

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  5. Another great one Classy Sass ! I love reading you blogs that i am unable to put in words myself

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  6. Beautiful, as always, I'm so happy to have you in my life. xo DG

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  7. When people admit their shortcomings and, even better, can laugh at them, they earn my respect. When people want to get better, and I see them trying? It makes me want to try harder.
    I love this so, so very much. All of it, of course, but especially this. I love your heart and I love your words.

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  8. Misfit power! This is a great TILT.

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  9. Recovery from so many blurry years of alcoholism is one of the most interesting journeys I could imagine. It makes getting older a profitable experience, with focus and clarity honed by perspective creating an entirely new experience. The good and the bad, I cherish them both.

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  10. So thiiiiiss is where I go now that Oprah ran her show to the ground.... But no seriously, I heart you. Your words ring true to me. I was never an addict of sorts, but I have gone through my ups and downs with mental illness and the havoc it wrecked in my life. Lost my marriage, lost friendships, and worst of all, my integrity. Sigh. And yes I am a bit of a misfit myself. On the opposite end of your spectrum I have 5 babies and I am not even 30. Oh and I actually listen to The Misfits. LOUD. Every morning. I feels ya homie.

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  11. I have just recently started reading your journal and am impressed with what you write. I have two step-daughters who struggle with addictions problems, the youngest being 17 and she is in a very bad way. The next time she comes to see me I'm sitting her down to read your blog because she could have written so many of these posts (well, not the recovery parts but everything else). When she does decide to get better (I'm counting on her wanting to go there someday) then I know what you've written here will stay with her and will help. Thank you.

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  12. Yes!! I love misfits too! I love being one and I love being close to them. I stand beside them as both champion of their cause and as someone who belongs, with pride, to the inner Misfit Sanctum. GREAT writing; inspired thinking!!!

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  13. So glad to have found you! Thanks to Running from Hell with El. Ditto to everything you said...animals and misfits!

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