Monday, January 2, 2012

Journey to Quit Town

I have to keep saying, I don't need this bullshit nonsense any more.

Just the facts:
  • I started smoking at age 28, when I got sober.  Because I'm an addict.  And wanted to give my full attention to booze while I was doing it.  And then gave my full attention to smoking when I did it.  I'm committed to honoring my addictions.  Been smoking 10 years.
  • I pay $1.20 per pack.  I know a guy.  Money is not an issue for me quitting.
  • I quit in August this year for the first time, lasted 6 weeks fully quit.  Used patches and exercise plus doing a mainly vegan diet, and it worked.  I also lost 30 pounds.  Bonus!
  • I am a smart person.  We all know how bad smoking is for many reasons.  But addictions wins out over any logic or reason.  It just does.
  • This is my personal struggle.  I can only tell you my experience from my perspective.  It doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it wrong.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

The Facebook page started exactly when I quit.  So some of you remember and encouraged me back then. And I appreciate it so much.  I know I sound like a broken record here, but quitting fucking sucks and many of us need more than one attempt to do it right.  To those of you who quit successfully, I admire the hell out of you.  Seriously.  I really appreciate you all being patient and supportive with me and all the other folks out there trying to quit.  Sometimes for the 10th time. 
This is from last time right before quitting.  It still applies.  This is from right at the beginning of quitting last time.  It still applies.

Full disclosure.  I can go weekdays having one a day. But weekends and days off and social situations, I have more.  That's a slippery slope.  I use it as a crutch for sure.  It's all I have.  Besides serious social anxiety.  I got off all meds and booze and that's great,  But the smoking is the hardest by far.  It's about coping in different ways.  Replacing self destruction with healthy behaviors.  WHICH GOES AGAINST MY VERY NATURE.  If I didn't pause, and think about what I do all fucking day long, I would be self destructive 99 percent of the time.  It's where I go.  It's who I am.  But I know we can change behaviors. I know it.  I live it. 

We are starting again.  For many of us, this is a resolution.  For many, it's another attempt after many failed attempts.  For me, it's because it's overdue and we have a baby coming this year, I'm sure of it. 

It's not easy to admit failure.  It's not easy to admit addiction.  But with my history, I know it's admitting and dealing with it, through action, that makes it work. Also, I know it's doing it with others who are going through the same thing that helps. 

I feel like I know what to expect this time around,  But it doesn't make it any easier,  Quitting sucks.  Plain and simple.  But if we try to help each other, hopefully it sucks a tiny bit less.  I'm going to do my best here to help and be supportive.  And I know you'll do the same for me. 

I'm not all fucking sunshine and rainbows and puppies.  I'm simply saying, what I said before and what my Sponsor told me while I was quitting drinking. You can drink/smoke tomorrow if you really want to, just don't drink/smoke today. 

I am your humble servant in this battle.  I believe we can do this.  Do you?


  1. Good luck, I am also a former addict but I kinda loved opiates. I tried to quit smoking but I realized I am only so strong. Good job quitting I wish you the best.

  2. Ab-so-fucking-lutely! This is your moment. No one ever quits smoking the first time they try. It's a climb, slide, stumble, fall and get up, try again struggle. It's hard, it sucks balls, it fucking hurts, it messes up your sleep, your emotions, and your stomach, but you know that and you're ready. It does get better and easier every day, and you can do it. :)

  3. I feel ya on so many levels. I had quit smoking for about 6 years and then picked up when I relapsed this summer. Booze and pills lasted 2 days. 6+ months later, I'm still smoking. :-(

    I'm a "typical" (whatever THAT means) addict/alcoholic that trades one addiction for another. Drugs, alcohol, pills, food, sex, cigs...whatever makes me feel good is most likely going to be over used and abused. It really sucks that the only things that make me feel good are bad for me. lol In fact, I think that shall be the topic of MY next blog. :-)

    Hang in there girl. I'm rooting for you and hope to be in the ranks of ex-smoker with you soon.

  4. "...we have a baby coming this year, I'm sure of it."

  5. I quit a few times before I quit for good. Because it's tough as hell to stop. But you can do it. We're with ya.

    I remember reading somewhere that it's really the deep breaths that help you feel calm when you smoke, since nicotine is a stimulant. Practicing deep breathing when I had cravings helped me a ton as far as being able to say "I'm not going to smoke right now."

    Best wishes to you!

  6. You can totally do this. TOTALLY. You're going to do it! If it helps, I can send my six-year-old to you, who walks up to smokers at the bus stop and asks them, "WHY ARE YOU SMOKING? IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU!" He's sensitive, that one.

  7. That's kind of what I said to myself while I was quitting...for the THIRD time. "I might smoke later, or sometime in the next hour, or tomorrow, or the day after that, or after that, but RIGHT NOW I'm not going to smoke. Fucking genius.

  8. You are so good at quitting. You've done it a bunch of times.

    By the way, if you hadn't been quitting the first time, I might not have "met" you.

    ODAAT, love. You know the drill. Love you.

  9. I know you will do this- you've done so much already and you're one hell of a strong broad. Give yourself the benefit of knowing you will quit, even if it takes a few times.

  10. Yes, we can do it! I don't smoke, but I have other addictions that have their claws in me. Keep going Katy! (Sidenote: When I saw "It is what it is" I giggled. Every single time I say that I think of Dumpster Husband.)

    Think of where you were a year ago and where you are now. Goooooooo, Katy!

  11. I smoked like a damn Champion from the time I was 16 until I was 31. The day I found out I was pregnant was the day I quit for real. Oh, I tried many times, but until I heard that someone else REALLY needed me to stop, I just couldn't. Everyone needs their own, personal trigger. Just don't give up...XO

  12. Good luck to you!! You seem like an incredibly strong person - you can do this. Maybe you need to start an addition with breath mints or nasal spray or chapstick.

  13. I quit 5 times. Once with each of my 4 pregnancies, and this past Summer. I quit this past Summer using Chantix -- I DO NOT reccomend this. I did not get suicidal thoughts or weird dreams, but my whole personality changed. I became mean and hateful. The day I called my 7 year old a waste of space with so much malice it scared me, was my wake-up. I quit the Chantix, apologized and cried and apologized to my daughter, and I am disappointed to say that after all that, I am smoking again. I will quit. But I will do it without a brain-altering drug that turns me into an evil Disney character. Good luck to you, I know that it is hard. So. Very. Hard.