Fear is debilitating.
I feel super fragile today. Like the slightest little touch could send me spiraling into a pit of despair and self pity. It's irrational. It's nothing that is tangible or fixable in this moment. All it is is a feeling. I know what it is, and it's the feeling of taking the next step on our "get a baby" journey. I'm scared of the unknown and afraid to have faith that whatever will be will be. I'm by no means the first, nor the last to walk through this. Many women, including several close friends, have been through similar experiences, and I am so grateful for their sharing.
One of the hardest things for me since getting sober is FEELING. Anything and everything. Fear is the toughest. Not only do I not get to drink it away anymore, but I don't even get to avoid it like I want to so desperately. In accordance with working a decent 12 Step Program, I have to process the fear and walk through it. It's not pretty. It's not easy. It's not for the weak.
Jesus Christ this sucks. It's the overwhelming, gut wrenching, vomit inducing stuff that happens to people in life. It's nothing terrible, really. When I look back after some time and perspective, I think, that wasn't so bad. It's being responsible and an adult, but for someone who is basically afraid of everything, something new can wreak havoc on my psyche.
It doesn't matter what the specific fear even is. What matters is that I process it and not run away like my gut tells me to do every single time. I cannot afford that luxury. I cannot afford letting something eat at me and defeat me. For me everything is at stake, meaning my sobriety. So, I pray about it in my own unchristianlike way, and I try to let it go. I usually have to let it go more than once. Sometimes 849 times. A day.
This is the stuff that I am so grateful for today. I know that this vomitous feeling in the pit of my stomach will pass. I know that I will be ok and that this will pass because it has in the past. It always does.
One of my best friends in AA has this saying, "It all works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end". Corny as shit? Absolutely. True? I hope so. I believe it is, and that's all I have, right? What I believe and what I live is all I have. And just for today, I choose hope over fear. I choose sobriety over drowning my feelings. I choose feeling vomitous for a while, rather than self medicating.
People tell me I'm strong all the time. And the reason I get to be strong is because I let myself feel vulnerable and weak and ask for help. If I reach out to help someone else, it diminishes my suffering and my self pity. You don't get one without the other. Everyone has their kryptonite. This is all normal, human stuff. Emotions that people feel all the time, and walk through with grace and dignity. I try my best to be one of those people. 10 years sober and this shit is still hard. I think it always will be.
FEAR is what kept me drinking for so long and with such desperation. Today I choose not to use that. Progress not perfection.