The Thing I Love this Thursday is that I can be there for someone going through all this with a loved one and be compassionate and helpful and just listen. Just having some perspective about all of this is a blessing. Usually it takes a good long time before somebody gets to detox or rehab. There have been many many broken promises, terribly embarrassing occurrences, blackouts, break ups, divorces, custody battles, firings, evictions of the heart and the soul.
There have been promises, oh how we alcoholics love to make promises. And it's not even that we don't mean them with all our being at the time, it's just that WE FAIL. Over and over and over. WE WILL FAIL. And yet, we want you to believe us. To give us just one more chance after we've already exhausted so many chances and thrown them in your face. We still want you to believe in us and help us just ONE MORE TIME. It will be different. I will get better. I will do it for you. I will do it for my kids. I will do it for my family. I will do it for my boyfriend. BULLSHIT.
I know it's bullshit because I have used every single excuse and reason there is to justify that I went out and drank again. That I hid it in Tupperware containers all over your apartment because I am incredibly shameful and yet, still not ready to quit. I know it's bullshit because I picked being homeless and penniless and hopeless over a nice warm AA meeting with free coffee. This only works when we do it for ourselves. When we decide we are enough and we are worthy.
EVERYONE HAS GIVEN UP ON ME. Everyone has given up on me except for other drunks. Other drunks extend their hand and say, "I have been where you are and I understand and I will help you up. AS LONG AS YOU ARE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOURSELF."
Who could expect our loved ones who we have burned repeatedly for years with our lies and our deception and broken promises to give us more? And yet, they do, and this person I'm really really close to is beating himself up saying, "I'm an enabler." Of course you are. You love this person and the hardest thing to do is to cut off the love and help you think you are giving someone who so desperately needs it.
The thing with us drunks is, we so desperately need help, but until we WANT help? Nothing makes a lick of difference.
I'm confident saying I was a big fat liar, cheater, manipulator and all around bad person when I was drinking. I didn't want to be, but that's what I was. And as desperately sad and without any hope at all as I was, I still drank and did terrible things to keep up the lies. BECAUSE I WAS SICK and I didn't take responsibility for anything. Until I stepped up and OWNED every bad decision I made, I was going to continue to be sick and continue that cycle, hurting everyone who loved me and invested their time, love, energy and resources on me. It was like a big FUCK YOU to everyone who loved me.
The fact that I CHOOSE HOPE today is a miracle. And I believe in miracles as I am one. I shouldn't be here and I know many many others who shouldn't be here either. If life were fair, we would be dead. Or at least not nearly as blessed as we are.