Thursday, November 15, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 59

I have someone very very close to me who just put someone they love into detox this morning.  This is not earth shattering in that this happens all the time.  People are at the end of their rope and desperate to keep their families together and say they will DO ANYTHING to keep what they have.  DESPERATION and BACKS AGAINST THE WALL are some of recovery's best friends.  OR, it's all bullshit and the people go right back out and drink or use again, like I did several times, before I finally quit drinking for good.

The Thing I Love this Thursday is that I can be there for someone going through all this with a loved one and be compassionate and helpful and just listen.  Just having some perspective about all of this is a blessing.  Usually it takes a good long time before somebody gets to detox or rehab.  There have been many many broken promises, terribly embarrassing occurrences, blackouts, break ups, divorces, custody battles, firings, evictions of the heart and the soul. 

There have been promises, oh how we alcoholics love to make promises.  And it's not even that we don't mean them with all our being at the time, it's just that WE FAIL.  Over and over and over.  WE WILL FAIL.  And yet, we want you to believe us.  To give us just one more chance after we've already exhausted so many chances and thrown them in your face.  We still want you to believe in us and help us just ONE MORE TIME.  It will be different.  I will get better.  I will do it for you.  I will do it for my kids.  I will do it for my family.  I will do it for my boyfriend.  BULLSHIT. 

I know it's bullshit because I have used every single excuse and reason there is to justify that I went out and drank again.  That I hid it in Tupperware containers all over your apartment because I am incredibly shameful and yet, still not ready to quit.  I know it's bullshit because I picked being homeless and penniless and hopeless over a nice warm AA meeting with free coffee.  This only works when we do it for ourselves. When we decide we are enough and we are worthy.

EVERYONE HAS GIVEN UP ON ME.  Everyone has given up on me except for other drunks.  Other drunks extend their hand and say, "I have been where you are and I understand and I will help you up.  AS LONG AS YOU ARE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOURSELF."

Who could expect our loved ones who we have burned repeatedly for years with our lies and our deception and broken promises to give us more?   And yet, they do, and this person I'm really really close to is beating himself up saying, "I'm an enabler."  Of course you are.  You love this person and the hardest thing to do is to cut off the love and help you think you are giving someone who so desperately needs it.

The thing with us drunks is, we so desperately need help, but until we WANT help?  Nothing makes a lick of difference. 

I'm confident saying I was a big fat liar, cheater, manipulator and all around bad person when I was drinking.  I didn't want to be, but that's what I was.  And as desperately sad and without any hope at all as I was, I still drank and did terrible things to keep up the lies.  BECAUSE I WAS SICK and I didn't take responsibility for anything.   Until I stepped up and OWNED every bad decision I made, I was going to continue to be sick and continue that cycle, hurting everyone who loved me and invested their time, love, energy and resources on me.  It was like a big FUCK YOU to everyone who loved me.

The fact that I CHOOSE HOPE today is a miracle.  And I believe in miracles as I am one.  I shouldn't be here and I know many many others who shouldn't be here either.  If life were fair, we would be dead.  Or at least not nearly as blessed as we are. 


With that in mind, we cannot give up on people who are sick.  But we do have to take care of ourselves first.  You know that whole, "when the oxygen mask comes down, put it on yourself first before you help others?" Yeah, life and dealing with addicts/alcoholics is like that too.  YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.  You are no good to anyone if you are completely depleted of resources, love and hope.  Put that oxygen mask on and BREATHE DEEP.  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for anyone's sobriety.  ONLY THAT PERSON is responsible.  I promise you.

26 comments:

  1. "Evictions of the heart and soul..." Only those who have been on the other side and have fought their way through could understand the depth of those words.

    Thanks for the tears - of joy and gratitude. Today, I am grateful for you, who keeps happiness and hope at the top of my news feed every damn day. <3

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  2. Thankyou, and those you surround yourself with xx

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  3. Katy, I just love you so much and want to drive to Chicago and kiss you myself.

    This truly is something that people who haven't been on one side or the other can't understand, and from either side, it's HELL to realize. Today, I am grateful for clarity and second chances. I am grateful that you got your ass to rehab and did the work.

    I am hopeful that someone out there reading this right now will see that they can't help someone who refuses it.

    I am hopeful that someone out there reading this right now will see that even though they think everyone has given up on them, they haven't. They just needed to put their mask on first.

    I love you.

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  4. This is amazing. I can think of a handfull of people that I want to sit down, open this post, and say, "READ!" It is so hard to be the friend/family of someone battling or sucumming to addiction.

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  5. this was brilliant and personal and i appreciate you for it. i had someone near and dear to me say to me once, after years of alcoholism, pills, abuse, etc., "i am sorry for whatever you say i did."

    that wasn't and still isn't thick enough for me. she claims to be an episodic alcoholic. the rage is palpable -- in both of us. the drinking has stopped, but only because of age and invalidism. the dry drunk behavior is rampant; the manipulation and lies are no different nor are the diversion tactics anything new. still, it continues. still, i wait for a sign, a moment of clarity, a moment of accountability, ownership, honesty. but my mask is on. it has been for a while. i suspect (not fear) i will never take it off. i have learned.

    i see the flags when i meet people, when i hear them and i heisman them. for my sanity, i must.

    you have done The Work. your clarity is strong and as you know, all too well i am certain, the fight must go on. ever vigilant.

    you are one of the lucky ones. God bless you. (i hope that doesn't offend.) xo -m

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  6. Man, I so dig these thankful posts. So raw and real. I totally get what you are talking about and the feelings you speak of. I have myself lived through everything you speak of and all the AA lingo. I have lived with an addict and I have experienced every raw emotion you have, on the receiving end of all that. There is sheer beauty in recovery. My mantra has been to choose HOPE for the last 1+ year. Without hope and the want to take care of yourself first and foremost, you stay sick just like your addict does. You know what your talkin about sister and its a beautiful thing. You offer wise words for such a dark place to come out of. From darkness comes light and HOPE. Hope for success, sobriety, love, life, feeling again, etc. Sheer beauty my friend. I dig you miss kitkatkootie.

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  7. Katy, there are so many people in this world who need to hear this. To read this. Because those of us who struggle to help a loved one with an addiction DO deplete ourselves. And we blame ourselves. For not sticking it out. For not being supportive enough. For not answering the phone at 3am. For getting frustrated when they relapse. For not understanding enough. For enabling too much. We learn so much when we start to see the lies and the hiding and the trickery. That moment when we realize WE can't make this happen by ourselves. That is particularly hard for those of us who see ourselves as "fixers" right? I love you, Katy...and am so thankful that you are the strong woman that you are...and that you are here with us sober and clear and compassionate and supportive.

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  8. Thank you. I am the person who continues to try to "fix him " and feel like I fail consistently. So thank you for reminding me that I cannot and he must. <3

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  9. ...and now you know why you were part of my lead when I spoke last Saturday. You not only talk the talk, but you walk the walk. In fabulous shoes, I might add. :-)

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  10. Thank you for the shot of hope. I really needed it today!

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  11. Thank you for the shot of hope. I really needed it today!

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  12. I've been dealing with, fighting for, fighting with a loved one with an addiction of another sort, one to thoughts. Until reading your post I never realized how very much it is actually an addiction, not a way I had been thinking of it at all. I have to think this new perspective through. Maybe we can come at this from a different angle, that of fighting it as an addiction. Thank you for turning my head just a little to the side. There's a whole other view here.

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  13. I. Love. You.
    I do.
    The fact that you are that beacon of hope that can help extend your hand to those who have moved their way out of the deep dark hole of despair is amazing. You know how to grab their hand & to try to help keep them out. You can warn them to not get too close to the edge or they'll fall...but you also know it's their own doing if they don't step away from that hole.
    Keep doing what you do. What you do is incredible. Thank you for giving others hope. Even though I am not a drunk, we all have our vices that we need that hope to get out of & run from. The positive you radiate is stunning. You have truly become an amazing person. And I am so proud of you.

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  14. Damn, Katy, you are a powerful messenger. Amazing and powerful. Hope is the word.

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  15. I wish I knew you, or could have read your blog, when my Mom was still alive and I was dealing with her alcoholism. I really do. The World is so lucky to have you.

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  16. You're becoming my favorite meeting.
    Ms. Katy, I love you!!!

    Hugs,
    Ernie

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  17. I hope you don't mind if I print this for my parents to read. We've been dealing with the addiction of a family member for a bit over a year now and they are constantly beating themselves up trying to help him. Maybe reading these words from you will help them more than my words do. Thank you Katy for sharing your story.

    Hugs,
    Leisle

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  18. Wow, so weird to see this today. I am in the middle of what I am sure is nervous breakdown because my husband is an addict and will not admit it. For at least 13 of the past 15 years we have been going through this. Its progressively worse every year. Promises broken at every turn. Unfortunately for him I am done at this point. I have to get my life together for my 2 kids and move on. Even though I know I am strong enough to do this, I am having such a hard time, I don't want to hurt anyone, so in the process I am killing myself. Thanks Katy, I would show this post to him, but in his mind it doesn't apply. Cause he doesn't have a problem. The rest of us do.

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  19. Wow, so weird to see this today. I am in the middle of what I am sure is nervous breakdown because my husband is an addict and will not admit it. For at least 13 of the past 15 years we have been going through this. Its progressively worse every year. Promises broken at every turn. Unfortunately for him I am done at this point. I have to get my life together for my 2 kids and move on. Even though I know I am strong enough to do this, I am having such a hard time, I don't want to hurt anyone, so in the process I am killing myself. Thanks Katy, I would show this post to him, but in his mind it doesn't apply. Cause he doesn't have a problem. The rest of us do.

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  20. I rarely curse, but this post is fan-freaking-tastic and 100% true. I know all too well. Thank you, Katy!

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  21. WOW THIS IS AWESOME WRITING I CAN IDENTIFY I AM A ADDICT AND I CHOOSE NOT TO USE AND THAT THE CHOICES I MAKE TODAY EFFECTS YOUR TOMORROW CLEAN FOR TWO YEARS TWO MONTHS TOMORROW YEAH I FEEL GOOD ONLY GOD CAN HELP YOU WHOEVER READS THIS KNOW THAT SOMEONE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL AND YOU CAN MAKE IT.

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  22. This is so true and completely fits what I have been dealing with lately. I love your blog. thank you.

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  23. I'm so grateful that today I choose warm church basements and free coffee. Thanks for the reminder <3 ~Kim

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  24. THANK YOU SO MUCH KATY! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT ALL OF THIS. I APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOU AND ALWAYS GET EXCITED ABOUT READING YOUR BLOG. YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING! LOVE, HOPE, GRATITUDE!! THANK YOU!!!

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  25. Thank you. Reading this helps a lot. I hate that you've had to go through hell to give us this insight, but I'm very glad you've chosen to help us see, too.

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