NOW, my question is, why does it have to be GREAT EXPECTATIONS for Multiples? Why can't it just be, WE ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN TO KEEP OUR SHIT TOGETHER for Multiples? Or, Christ on a Bicycle, you can have a vaginal birth and THEN a Cesarean on the second baby all in one delivery? I'm out. I AM OUT.
Just kidding, but not really. NO really, I'm totally kidding, we are SO READY for this. You know that's the number one thing people ask us right now is, "ARE YOU READY?" and my answer is always, "No, not even close and how could we be?"
We toured the hospital in stages yesterday on our tour with the multiples group -- about 10 couples all having multiples -- Triage, Operating Room, Delivery, NCIU, and Recovery. This hospital is like a 5 star hotel except there are a lot of damn crying babies (and crying Katy's) and lots of inappropriate body parts hanging out everywhere.
I had my second of 4 baby showers on Saturday and cried about 14 times. Gratitude and fear are my go-to's right now. I'm either deathly afraid or so damn grateful it moves me to tears. Sometimes it's both, I AM SO TERRIFIED AND YET SO GRATEFUL to be in this position that I ugly cry several every day about close to nothing. So, I cried at the shower, which was absolutely lovely, given by my My Lynnie and my favorite, most amazing women were there.
The nurse who was leading the class asked, "How many of you have gone on the internet to read about having multiples?" I was proud of all of us, that only a couple raised their hands. I run away from that shit. I've read a few books on multiples, and at the last one, my husband told me to stop reading. And I have and am reading the new Stephen King now instead and feeling much more calm. The thing about the unknown is it causes fear. Once we get going, we are going to be just fine. We will be frazzled and tired and crazy, but at least the speculation will be done.
That fear I had when I got sober of WHAT WILL MY LIFE BE LIKE WITHOUT DRINKING is gone now because I've lived sober for quite a while and the fear was replaced with how INCREDIBLE life is in sobriety. I imagine that everyone who has kids has that fear and then all of a sudden, you just are a parent and doing the best you can. It may not be GREAT EXPECTATIONS in CHILD REARING all the damn time, but it's pretty damn good.
I can honestly say, I've never felt so many emotions in my life as my hormonal self is feeling right now. Everything is amplified and through tears. Whether it be happy or sad or scared or confident - and grateful to be confident and feeling good - it manifests in tears. And that is just fine. I don't ever want to forget any of this. This life that I have today and what I'm going through and feeling, as uncomfortable and crazy as it is sometimes, is so much better than I ever dreamed it could be.
Someone wrote me an email last week saying that "only rich, entitled people get ivf" and that I was "rubbing my pregnancy in the faces of my readers". Now, rarely do I get really uppity about something someone writes me if it's someone telling me I suck or something, I take it with a grain of salt and try to move on, as I am not for everyone. But to say that I am rich and entitled is the antithesis of who I am. And no one knows all the reasons my husband and I did IVF because that is private. And how we were able to pay for it is private. We are FAR FROM RICH and we both work our asses off for what we have. So, this hurt me deeply. I don't ever want to rub anything in the face of anyone. ESPECIALLY women who so desperately want a baby. That is the whole reason I started this blog and page was to connect and talk about my journey. With sobriety and with finding my child/children - whatever form that takes. I don't take one second of my life for granted. The fact that this is happening is beyond my wildest dreams. And if I am AT ALL coming across as anything other than completely grateful and thrilled to have this be happening, I don't want to be doing it.
I am pregnant. With twins. And while I try not to have EXPECTATIONS, It's pretty damn GREAT. See what I did there?