I've noticed since I've been pregnant many many MANY people WANT me to complain. It happened before I got pregnant too, because I've been fighting this happiness battle a long time. But it's happening way more now since I am pregnant. It's like they cannot wait for me to start whining about how terrible this all is. Either the pregnancy part of the having two kids coming part. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but when you work so hard to get pregnant in the first place, you don't really find reason to complain. In fact, it's quite the opposite. And I know there are many of you out there who feel exactly the same way I do.
And I don't need to "just wait until.....". I don't. If my past is any indication of what my attitude will be, I will choose gratitude. For all of it. Even when I'm miserable. BECAUSE I MAKE THAT CHOICE. It doesn't mean I'm delusional or in denial. It simply means, I've been through shit. And I can see so much good in every day little stuff that so many take for granted. There are those among us who celebrate normalcy and even going through pains of something like being pregnant, I am thankful for every little ache and pain and don't take it lightly at all.
We paid a lot of money and I had one of the worst, darkest periods of my life with In Vitro. Why the hell would we do all that only to complain about being pregnant and then about having kids?
I guess it's interesting to me that people so badly want me to be miserable. Is it really the "misery loves company" thing? I find it online and in real life, that people say, "how are you feeling?" And I say, "I feel pretty good, I feel lucky that this is a pretty easy pregnancy." SILENCE. and then they say, "well just wait, and then they go on to tell me about something TERRIBLE that I will experience with these kids." Well, yeah. That's the whole point isn't it? That doesn't mean I'm not still going to be happy about it at the end of the day.
I understand some people are bitter. I understand that some people are not happy in their lives and feel the need to pass along their misery to others, but you know what? I HAVE A SHIELD AGAINST YOU.
I don't mean to say it's all bloody sunshine and roses and that I don't feel extremely uncomfortable and scared and unprepared and all that, but god dammit, we wanted this so badly and we are getting this, and I am more than anything else, SO FUCKING HAPPY and grateful that this is happening.
So, when you approach me and you have a snarky, snide, bitter comment to make just know, I WILL DEFLECT IT. I want you to be happy too. We're not all happy all the damn time, but damn, is life ever good. I can only control my part of things, and I control that I won't react to negativity if I can at all help it.
You want to bring me down, YOU WILL HAVE TO TRY HARDER. Well, no, don't. I don't really want you to try to bring me down, just as I will only try to build you up. I want you to be happy, joyous and free. Not sad and miserable and joyless. No matter what is going on in my life, even through tears and freak outs, I can find something to be thankful for.
Then there are the people who are choosing happiness as well. I love to surround myself with these people. Even as they go through the shit, they try to find the bright side. I know, I know, we are annoying as hell, but still we go on and we are hopeful and filled with gratitude. When you've been through hell on earth, you know that anything else has to be better than that. And it is. It really is better. We all have darkness. We all experience highs and lows and it's how we deal with those extremes that makes a difference in the long term.
I choose to surround myself with people who want the light and love of happiness. We fight for it. We fight for each other. And that fight can get ugly. Seems like a paradox - an ugly fight to be happy. But it is, because it doesn't come naturally to a lot of us. We have to work at it. Don't make me start ugly crying, because it's about all I do lately. And you know what? I am happy about that. FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS! Who wants to put their shield up with me?