Thursday, September 27, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 53

I get to do a lot of things.  I get to go a lot of places.  I am fortunate enough to get up and out to work every day in a major metropolitan city.  I take public transportation.  I encounter a ton of people on daily basis.  I go to bars, to weddings, to concerts, to shows, just about anything, I feel confident going nowdays.  Hell, I go to family functions.  I may not always like them, but I GO.  You could say I AM A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.

It used to be, I was a girl of myself.  I was too scared and fearful of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING to venture outside of my little world.  Which was too miserable to inflict on others anyway.  And I drank.  I drank to go out in public. I drank to be at home.  I drank to tolerate my miserable self. It gave me courage and made me feel like I could do anything.  It was an absolute crutch.  Real courage is not having any kind of prop to help you walk through life with confidence. 

Before I drank, I always always always felt LESS THAN.  Drinking helped with that.   UNTIL IT DIDN'T. 

And when I stopped drinking I had to learn to do EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.  Because when you drink 24 hours a day for several years, you have to learn to do everything without it.  And that is some scary shit.  I was on meds for anxiety and depression for a long time.  I went off them a bit over a year ago and that has been an adjustment too.  But we are growing, right?  I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life.  The only time I could get out of it was when I drank.  And it was disastrous.  Being sober is terrifying at first. But you walk through it. 

Now, I'm not saying I don't still feel less than.  I do.  But rarely these days.  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is walking around in my own skin like I fucking OWN THE PLACE

I used to take great pride in the idea that I didn't need anyone or anything. I was a loner.  A rebel.  Really, it's the opposite that I take pride in now.  I am a part of this world.  I am a part of all of you.  Whether I like it or not sometimes.  But the joy and the gifts I get from choosing to be A PART OF so outweighs the negative. 

Now, this is not to say I'm an extrovert.  I'm a clear introvert.  I prefer being on my own and staying at home to going out most of the time.  I will take doing nothing over doing something almost every single time. 

There is no one and nobody who is more worthy than I am.  And I am no more worthy than anyone else.  PERIOD.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work and praying and working the 12 steps and just saying SCREW YOU NEGATIVE FEELINGS for me to get to this place.  But I can honestly say, I belong in this world today.  I BELONG HERE.    The Promises are coming true in my life.  More and more every damn day I WORK A GOOD PROGRAM

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
  -  Y'all know when the word GOD is used in this shit, it means GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING or else I sure as hell couldn't be sober.

If you are part of a 12 step group you are familiar with these great promises.  And, my guess is, you are finding them to be coming true the longer you work your program.  If you are not part of a 12 step program and don't need to be, I hope you have some kind of something that helps you know you are on a path.  A good and loving and positive path. 
  We all need to belong somewhere.  It is a fundamental need as humans.   I had to change my thinking.  I was responsible. It took me a LONG TIME and a lot of heartache to find I belong not only in the rooms of AA, but more importantly, I BELONG IN THE WORLD.  And to think, I almost took myself out of it.  And I know many of you did too.  Or are thinking it's hopeless right now.  IT'S NOT HOPELESS.  Find something to be grateful for and GRAB ONTO THAT SUCKER.  It's the basis for hope.  And you do belong.    YOU SEE ME COMING, YOU KNOW I'M STRUTTING.  That's my motto. 


  1. Go on with your bad self, Mama! STRUT YOUR STUFF! You work it, ya own it, ya look smokin' hot doin' it! LOVE this!!! Love YOU, Katy! Rockin' my world, as always!

  2. I love you. It took me a lot of years after being in a dangerous, abusive relationship to realize I AM SOMEBODY! I AM WORTH LOVING! I AM A GOOD PERSON!You are such a message of hope and survival and overcoming and coming out the other side a better person... not to mention hilarious, witty and the cutest preggo I know!

  3. Thanks i really needed this today!!!!

  4. I'm so damn excited and proud and happy to be a friend of yours. Keep struttin' look so damn good doin' it! You AND hall and oates. :-) Love you!

  5. Nothin but love and respect. For you, for me, and for everyone. Someone, anyone, always has SOMETHING worth loving. If we don't see it, we're not doing our job. I love u girl. xoxoxo

  6. This right here ... " I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life." just shows how the promises were fulfilled for you because you're all over this social thing now, and even though you say you don't enjoy being in the public, you're doing it - fearlessly (for appearance sake) and you're not letting your fear control you. Holla girl! :)awesomesauce for sure

    sorry for the long para-sentence :)

  7. You have no idea how much I needed this today. I've been dealing with a back injury for the past 6months. Long story short I've had a lot of depression from not being able to function the way I used to. But you're right time to take hold and say I'm in charge of getting better! YOU ROCK!

    1. Bionic Dee...

      You hit a cord with me. I have debilitating pain from neck injury. Weight gain...ugh. Now going in for neurosurgery on my c-spine 10/10 and will be even more housebound! :-( looking forward to feeling better and getting out! Any advice would be appreciated! :-)

  8. I adore this post for so many reasons. You're speaking for introverts everywhere. And some sort-of-extroverted introverts (like me). So psyched for your growth and to know you're doubt the hardest work of your life. Keep on keepin' on.
    Best, Deb

  9. I pretty much love every single post of yours I've ever read, but this . . . wow, does this hit me hard (and right) right now. Especially this:

    I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life.

    I went to a party Saturday evening. I cried the whole long drive home, because it was so excruciating being trapped in a dark, little place with lots of strangers. I told Ba.D. that how I felt there made me dread, absolutely dread our as-yet-unset wedding day.

    By the light of day, it was easier to see the things that make the party and the impending wedding not alike. But I was so wound up in introvert, social anxiety fight or flight stuff that night, I just couldn't see it.

    Right now, my life is moving in a really positive direction. I don't think I've realized until the last few days how terrifying an idea that is. But now that I'm realizing it, I can fucking DO something about it. And that's what I'm going to do: address the real problems, hopefully with as much compassion for myself as I'd give someone else, and then enjoy the heck out of myself on my wedding day. And the other little events between here and there.

    I don't need to hold onto this old stuff anymore. I don't want to. I want to be part of this world, as I am. There's so much beautiful stuff in it, as I am always, always reminded of that when I read your blog, in a way that defies words no matter how hard I try to put words to the feeling.

    1. Me, too . . . crippling social anxiety. I wasn't even sure I would meet someone to marry because of it. Still, I did, and we had a very small wedding. It was perfect (with no really loud music, because that's something I hate about weddings and even parties in general.) I was still very anxious, but it was a good day. I still fight with my anxiety. I don't drink (just don't care for the taste of a lot of alcoholic drinks.) Sugary food tends to be my addiction.

  10. Well said, and continued sucess!! It is only day 40 for me. I quit cold turkey. I know those negative feelings well. I have a new attitude now, and I want more! To think of all the time and money that I wasted drinking..
    Too many failed relationships, and too much sorrow. Now I am surrounding myself with positive people who support me in my quest, my decisions, and my life. I found someone who is gentle and supportive, so I make the decision everyday not to drink. So far, so good. It's possible that I may fail, but I don't think I will. Because everyday I want more..

  11. You are effing amazing...this blog post is so honest, it's almost too painful to read----because I see a lot of myself in you and that scares me because you can actually admit to the world who you are...whereas I worry too much about offending people, or turning people off with my thoughts and ideas...probably why I only blog humor---it's a shield. Now I'm getting all Freudian and morose so I'm going to stop. Well written post---I'll be back for more....possibly for therapeutic reasons...!

  12. Your posts are like little windows into the soul of my youngest step-daughter. Thank you for reminding me what her struggles may be when I get frustrated or impatient. You're doing some good things with this blog.

  13. Love you Katy! You are so introspective and real and amazing. And you will be such a great mom.

  14. Good Katy stuff. Thoughtful and thought-provoking. Re-learning everything is the one thing that would unravel me- starting over from scratch. You have braveness.