Now, I am on week two of the birth control pills and I have a rash that is causing me to break out into scratching spasms at all times, day and night. Mostly out of a dead sleep and my poor husband. MY POOR DEAR HUSBAND. Who will help me administer my first actual shot tonight.
This is how I think I look most of the time:
When in all reality, THIS is what I look like at all times lately.
|This is what trying to scratch everywhere on your body looks like when you try to do it using only your mind. |
Tip - IT DOES NOT WORK.
I have bruises all over my body from the scratching. I have tried everything so please you really don't need to write or comment to tell me what I need to do.
IN FACT, can we all just agree that if your first response to this post is to write me to tell me anything about what I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE DOING OR FEELING is probably one that you should keep to yourself. I know, your aunt Minny or cousin Betty got pregnant when they just relaxed or when they adopted or all that. Please. I've heard enough of these stories to last a lifetime. I know you mean well, or at least I'm hoping you mean well, but please respect our process and don't ask questions or tell me how I should be doing things. Don't try to tell me how to do this or try to fix me. In short, mind your own damn business. Please respect our privacy. I put out as much here as I'm willing to put out for you. That's it.
I am someone who is no stranger to mental health facilities. I have spent time as a patient on psych wards. This hormone shit is fucking with me. It's fucking with my sanity. So, I am trying to get to more meetings. I am talking to people who have gone through this and when they say, "that's normal", I believe them. I am not making a lot of plans right now. Because chances are, I will break them. I can barely get my ass out the door to work right now most days. I am a crazy hormonal monster. My only saving grace is people telling me I don't "look" crazy. Jesus. I put in the effort to look nice lately as that makes me feel a bit normal.
However, I take all this mental health shit very seriously. Because my sobriety hinges on it. So, this is my gig in my head lately, "I feel like crap, I feel like crap, I suck, everything sucks, I have no motivation to do anything, I am just going to screw everything up anyway so what's the point, I am not healthy, I am spiraling into a pit of despair, cry cry cry, oh my that's pretty funny because you know what? everything is actually really fucking great. I am sober, I have a great husband and a great life and this shit that I'm feeling is just these stupid hormones that are going through my body that are new and different and I am still Katy and I am just fine. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH be mean to my husband and people around me and maybe smash things with my mind and the daggers in my eyeballs, but wait, calm down, everything ok. EVERYTHING IS OK. EVERYTHING IS OK".
Rinse, repeat repeat repeat.
I keep going back to, this is not me, this is the hormones fucking with me. I am Katy. I am calm and serene and everything is just fine. Well, yesterday at Easter I actually told people in my family how I am. And after the look of shock wore off their faces, they were nothing but loving. I realized how I am usually the one who listens more than expresses how I am feeling, but right now, no holds barred. I need to get through this shit. And I need people to hear me and just listen to me and my crazy.
This little ditty is with me today because I believe I can be crazed and still have my dignity and laughter at the same time. And strength, well, I know I have that. Fear? Of course I have fear. We all do. But that doesn't mean we can't walk through it with grace and dignity. Maybe a bit clumsily with a few trips along the way, but still, dignity. Always dignity.
I have quit drinking. I have quit smoking. I have quit anxiety medication. I have quit a lot of things. I have learned to eat well and be healthy. To eat REAL FOOD. I have learned to honor my body and my spirit, finally. But even now, my first instinct is usually something self destructive. I play that through and make a good choice MOST of the time today. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. The facts are that I have everything I need today. And man, does that feel good.
My husband and I are good. We are great and we have great support from family and friends and good medical people working with us. We are lucky. We are incredibly lucky that we even get to try this. So, in my own way, making fun of myself and what a horrible monster I am by making jokes and doing funny postings is how I deal. If I am laughing, I am not crying and THAT my friends are where my emotions are today. Laughing or crying. Not much in between. So yeah, I am a terrible fucking emotional monster right now. Who is itching like a crazy person. Who is driving her poor sweet husband crazy. We want a baby. We are trying this first. Welcome to our journey. You are with us or you are against us. Hop off now, if you are against us please. There are better places for you than with me.
The rest of you, get ready. This is going to be an excellent ride. Now, come over here and scratch my back.
Any "helpful advice" that starts with "you should" is bullshit. So here's what I say... God bless you and keep you and good luck! Kick some ass and show your mother fuckin' eggs who's boss.ReplyDelete
So...how's the weather?? Great, great...sunny here too... :)ReplyDelete
Bravo to you and your husband...:)
I love you. So much. Always, you are an inspiration. Keep sharing with us, inasmuch as you can. So many of us are drowning; we keep it all in and choke on it but say we're fine. Because we think we have to. And...I am minding my own fucking business :), but I'd totally scratch your back if we were cubicle buddies. (hugs)ReplyDelete
:::scratch scratch scratch:::ReplyDelete
I'm a stranger to the IV process, so I hope I'm not being unrealistic when I say that I hope the itching subsides soon.
And by the way...TERRIFIC green dress...I think I must have one!
First, I have to say, I LOVE that you're wearing green in that pic! Second, you are such a strong woman! You do have grace & you do have dignity & keeping those are great goals to get you through. Your thought process to get you through the crazy moments says a lot about you & just remember, this is just practice for how crazy you'll feel when you're a sleep deprived momma after it all pays off! Much l♥ve!ReplyDelete
Sending you love, strength, and a back scratcher! :)ReplyDelete
I just love you...itchy, bitchy or otherwise. :-) You're such a beautiful person inside and out...fighting through these storms make you even moreso.ReplyDelete
*scratch, scratch, scratch*ReplyDelete
Sending cyber hugs and positive vibes...and some lotion. ;)
Please keep sharing! It is so good for your soul to get it out. You do what you need to do and tell the busybody know-it-alls to STFU!! Now you go make IVF your bitch!!!!ReplyDelete
Yay for you!! I will mind my own fucking business. I'd happily mail you a back scratcher. Hugs & happy thoughts coming your way!!ReplyDelete
Good luck and happy vibes your way!!! Oh and take an oatmeal bath for the itching!! This is coming from someone that even looks at a rash and I get one!! Hope you itching goes away!ReplyDelete
God bless and good vibes.... Keep on laughing. You dignified crazy beautiful woman !!ReplyDelete
I got your back. Anything you need, I'm here. Blog it out girl..just blog it the eff out...you will touch many lives with this journey. xoReplyDelete
I've absolutely no words of wisdom, funny anecdotes, old wives tales, or inspirational stories. Just wishing you luck and sanity and joy.ReplyDelete
Love you, Katy! My heart is with you 100%. I didn't have children and I regret it every day. I'd give you a good 'ol back scratch. My Mom taught us the pleasure of a good back scratching when we were little and to this day I still get goosebumps when I get a good one. Hang in there,Spaz, everything's gonna work out fine.ReplyDelete
There's nothing harder to survive than being hormones with feet: BTDT.ReplyDelete
No platitudes here, just a big You GO, Grrl :D
All totally normal! IVF is no joke and not for the faint of heart. You're doing great.ReplyDelete
I wish you the best and I know how hormones can make you feel.... Best of luck to you and your husband!!!!ReplyDelete
You are awesome & hormones suck. Always. Hang in there & I will be hanging on your coattails ready for the ride! Remember...no matter how crazy you are or feel you are...you are always crazy fabulous. You all have my support!ReplyDelete
I love you. End of story.ReplyDelete
Love you and your hormones and that green dress, girl. You got this. <3ReplyDelete
Katy, we dont care if your itchy,bitchy,blind,crippled or crazy. we love you girl! you are such an inspiration to myself and others and i think it's so awesome that we get the know the "real you" and that you are cool enough to share this crazy,scary,wonderful roller coaster ride with us. i pray for you and DH every day, and i know in my heart god has a plan for you two and he intends to deliver! (we have been talking. well actually, i have been talking, but i know he is listening!) and... i'm thinking i should send you "bear claw" it's a wonderful telescoping scratcher that i bought for my husband to scratch me with. not because i itch, just because i need to be papmered every night! he cringes at the sight of the thing, but i loooove it! you just keep on being fabulous, and we will be there to support you ok? just callReplyDelete
us..... TEAM KATY!!!! <3
Hilarious! I love your honesty and your ability to make this trying time hilarious! A solid sense of humor can get you through ANYTHING.ReplyDelete
I'm sorry. I find it impossible to NOT tell you what to do now. You must bathe in Barbie urine. That gets everyone pregnant.ReplyDelete
Really, though? I am proud of you for this step! It's exciting and wonderful and amazing! (Even if it is horribly itchy. Think of it as baby itches.)
Laughter is survival. Good Luck! Just scratch. Fuck people. Love the green dress!ReplyDelete
If I had been on anxiety meds and anti-depressants when I was on fertility drugs, I would have never had kids. I'm crazy enough on them now and not on fertility drugs. I would be dangerous to switch the two. An amusing story though when we were try to get preg with our daughter. I was on my second six month round of Clomid and my hubby was starting a new ob on Monday and I was fertile over the weekend. Trying to be responsible, we decieded that we should wait until he started the job and we would have insurance. I went out to but "the foam". I don't remember what brand but it didn't work. We were blessed with a beautiful, red headed baby girl 9 months later. Hang in there. And try not to get discouraged.ReplyDelete
When you get knocked up, you will probably hear my screams of joy for you all the way from fucking phoenix Arizona! You deserve all the happiness in the world and I just know this is going to work.ReplyDelete
I have spent the better part of two years on various fertility drugs and I can completely relate to the feelings of CRAZY!! And it sucks! After every five or six months on, I had to take four or five months off to regroup mentally. So all I will say is that I can relate, and feel for you. Hoping that IVF takes for you on the first round!! And if it doesn't at least you can get some more use out of that amazing dress!ReplyDelete
Girl you make me laugh and smile every day and what an inspiration you are. I love reading about your life and wish you nothing but the best and success!ReplyDelete
I did IVF many times and it sucks. Everything sucks you're right. Wishing you much speedy luck! Thanks for letting us tag along.ReplyDelete
I did IVF many times. It sucks. Everything about It sucks - you're right. Wishing you lots of speedy luck. Thanks for letting us tag along.ReplyDelete
You make me laugh so hard, I could pee myself. I loved the disclaimer. Looking forward to more elevator pics since your hormones are crazy. Keep strong! I wish you all the best.ReplyDelete
First of all ((((hugs)))! And well wishes. I was never as crazy as I was on fertility drugs, although the clomid made me feel kind of good. And I never felt better in my life once when I was pregnant, except for when I was on the progesterone for the first 13 weeks. I was a craaaaazy bitch. It's all so worth it in the end. Positive thoughts and I and I know everyone else will love you crazy or even if you happen to get normal on us we will still love you too!ReplyDelete
You are amazing. Though I know it's not the same situation, after I lost the baby, I had a ton of people start sentences with "you should" too. I learned to ignore them over time. None of them, not a single one of them, knew what I should do. They all thought they were helping, so I forgave them for being pushy assholes. Eventually. After I got really pissed off for a while. Hang in there, girl. We love you.ReplyDelete
I love you. And am smiling. There's gonna be so much more good stuff past the itchiness and unfriendly self-dialogue.ReplyDelete
*scratch* Keep sharing if you feel you can! There's humor in the impossibly horrible, right?ReplyDelete
I dont know you but I am your "doppelganger"... I too love babies and would've could've shouldn't didn't...cuz gone and lost in time>> mother<<<nofather..so I'll just keep in touchReplyDelete
I love that you are sharing, but I love you when you aren't sharing too.ReplyDelete
Can we get a guest blog from your DH about how you aren't as bitchy as you think you are? :) Maybe some funny pictures he took on the sly too.
PS The "you should" comments will never stop, even when you are sending Jr. off to college. Just keep flipping the bird with a friendly smile!
Bless you and Your poor Dear husband lol. I pray a baby comes out of all of this!!!! It will be worth it! I feel crazy like that and I am NOT on whacky hormones. :-)ReplyDelete
You are ALL OF US!!!!!! We love you for it!
My first response is not to tell you how to do anything. I have spent some time in a recovery center. I too been on hormones and not known if I was coming or going. My husband never knew what woman he was going to be greeted by. I myself could not have babies. My heart goes with you on your journey. And I want to say "Thank You". For putting yourself out there sharing this with others. Nice someone can verbalize what others cannot.ReplyDelete
I want to refrain from giving advice, but I can't because I'm bossy. Acupuncture is great great awesome great for relieving hormonal induced anxiety and stress AND it does help make babies too. Alot of fertility clinics employ acupuncturists now. If yours does, take the needles. Let them poke you all up. I swear you will love it.ReplyDelete
How exciting! Thinking of you and lokoing forward to hearing the updates. The fertility med process sucks - and the emotional rollercoaster WITHOUT hormone injections and suppositories etc... is enough to make one feel crazy at times! But, no need to tell you that. :)ReplyDelete
looking back at this now it was all worth it :)ReplyDelete
Just use this itchy part as your introduction into the insanity that is MOTHERHOOD!!!! It doesnt stop after the crazy hormones.. This is preparing your mind for the lack brain cells you will have lost because the babies will consume as many as possible!! You are hilariously funny and real!! I love it!! Congrats on the two babies!! Rock on Mamma!! Rock on!!ReplyDelete
I'm soo glad to read from the beginning again. I totally forgot about the hormones! You make me laugh! Ruth BReplyDelete
My husband and I are starting IVF as well... I am on week 2 of the BC pills, and I too am scratching and itching and being miserable... except I get to stay on them until February 9th. I am getting ready to read all of these posts... Thank you for your blog and your honesty!ReplyDelete