Tuesday, August 14, 2012

It Just Gets Better and Better

Here's what I know.  I once was lost and now I am found.  I was once a recluse, a non-human being feeling doing, and now I am a functioning, respected contributor to society.  But more than that, I am happy.  Daddy Doin' Work did a post on "Achieving Happy" today.  He speaks about the change in his life and what made him realize just how good everything in life is and that he best get to appreciating and making the most of it.  LOVE THAT. 

When you have hit a bottom in your life, any kind of bottom, be it emotional, financial, physical, addiction - IT CHANGES YOU. 

The show INTERVENTION is new again.  I've watched every episode since it started airing.  I find it to be therapeutic in that it takes me RIGHT BACK to where I was 11 years ago.  Which is homeless, hopeless, penniless, drunk, blacked out, without any kind of hope or grace or glimmer of happiness.  I sit and cry and shake the entire episode.  For the families, who are just as sick in their own way as the user.  I cry for who I was and what I inflicted on people who loved me and tried so hard to help me.  And then I'm grateful.  I am so grateful and it makes me want to do more, be more, help more who need help, who WANT help. 

I've been on both sides of interventions.  I've been the irate bitchy selfish scared drunk who runs out of the room yelling and swearing and pushing everyone away.  I've also been the one sitting there hoping to get someone to their bottom before they reach it on their own.  There is no right or wrong way to do this.  To reach a bottom. 

Mine came about 11 years ago, on October 4, 2001.  You know this story.  I was in jail for public intoxication and fighting (YES, ME, FIGHTING - that tells you how different I was when I was drinking).  I felt a moment of something.  I didn't know what it was.  It felt like a spark, a glimmer, a tiny minute moment of what I call grace.  To me grace means a reprieve from the awfulness that had previously been my entire existence. 

If you have hit a bottom of any kind, you know what I am talking about.  No one can make you really hit that bottom but yourself.  Your friends and family try and try and sometimes the consequences work, sometimes they don't.  For me they did, I lost EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.  And yet, I was still drinking.  BECAUSE I WAS SICK. 

I hallucinated if I didn't drink.  I had seizures if I didn't drink.  I had delirium tremens if I didn't drink.  I was the most pathetic, sad creature you would ever encounter.  And, yet, I am so very grateful for every single thing that hit me, that I put myself through.  It WAS NOT POSSIBLE for me to go a couple hours without drinking.  During the day, during the night, I HAD TO DRINK.  And yet now, somehow, miraculously, through working a good program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am not drinking.  And not just that, I am happy, joyous and free. 

This hitting bottom changed me.  I wouldn't change any of it.  Not one thing.  It has made me who I am.  It has made me this person who is hard and soft at the same time.  It has granted me compassion and grace.  It has given me perspective on other people struggling and ability to listen and to try and help.  THIS is all what has made me HAPPY. 


Hippy Dippy guide to happiness.  I need simple guidance and this works.  photo by www.happinessinyourlife.com

Hope, Happiness and Grace are three qualities I want to exude.  I am agnostic, which to me means I believe in something bigger than me, of course, as my ego is not that big to believe nothing else exists, but I don't have a definition of what that is - and I don't need to.  I've had my spiritual journey that's led me everywhere, and I am at a great place today believing I have a Higher Power, but I don't need to tell you all about it.  It's personal.  Just like yours is personal. 

I don't have to try very hard as they were gifts given to me.  I just want to keep that circle going.  I never take one second of my life for granted.  NOT ONE SECOND.  I believe the reason I am here is to share what I was given and keep being grateful.  I don't know shit about a lot of things.  I know A LOT about being a drunk and getting and staying sober.  That is the highest calling I could ever hope to achieve.  I just hope I keep doing the next right thing to stay sober.  I choose today not to drink.  I hope I wake up tomorrow and do the same thing. 

I am here to be a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a good employee, an aunt, a friend, but MOST OF ALL I am here to carry the message of sobriety.  And how very good life is on the other side of Hell.  Happiness is a by product of living well and of living right.  I want to keep what I have and add to it.  So I choose to keep working at this thing called sobriety.  One day at a time.  With all of you. 

38 comments:

  1. So positive! I (like many of your readers) see reflections of myself in you and your journey. You are truly an inspiration. Yes, some days are harder than others, yet it's an encouraging breath of fresh air to read your blog and posts. Thank you darlin

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  2. I absolutely love you. This just cemented you and your journey in my life, forever i hope. I am on a similar journey of carrying the message. It blows my mind every single day that things were SO BAD, but now my life is AMAZING! I never would've thought that there was hope for an addict like me, but holy shit is there ever!!! Thank you so much!!!!!

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  3. I absolutely love you. This just cemented you and your journey in my life, forever i hope. I am on a similar journey of carrying the message. It blows my mind every single day that things were SO BAD, but now my life is AMAZING! I never would've thought that there was hope for an addict like me, but holy shit is there ever!!! Thank you so much!!!!!

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  4. I love this! You are very inspirational, my friend. Thanks for sharing your amazing story with all of us.

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  5. Sometimes I say things like, "Thank goodness today is over!" Those words jar me back to reality: I don't have much time. I don't want to wish time away or cheer its departure. I, too, want to savor every moment I have, and I do believe that the joy now is greater for the pain then.

    I love you. I love your love. I love reading your posts knowing there are people out there believing they can keep going, because of you. That's freakin' amazing. And right.

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  6. If you relate to any of the above and want to find help for your own alcoholism or addiction, know that there are many like her, (and me) who have found peace and freedom in their lives without substances and alcohol. For me it was working with a sponsor in AA and then passing it on…
    Why settle for relief when you can have freedom?

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  7. I have been following you for a while, and recently your message has been very close to home. While I am not the alcoholic, someone I know is, your story gives me hope for them. Hope that they can pull themselves out of their misery out of whatever inner demons they have and climb out. Hope that their bottom is now and that they seek and get the help they need. That those of us that love them can support them in a positive way instead of a debilitating way. Thank you for putting yourself out there.

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  8. you are a constant reminder to be gracious and exude love while being thankful for the little things. I love you and am so so so proud to be your friend! xo

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  9. You are one of the awesomest people I know, and I am a better person for knowing you! :)

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  10. You inspire me every day. You are beautiful inside and out and I love you!

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  11. Inspirational!

    http://www.memoirsofmeandmine.com/

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  12. "Happiness is a by product of living well and of living right." Amen.

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  13. You bring tears to my eyes; and you always, always, always remind me of how important it is to be grateful and happy for the wonderful gifts life brings. Thank you for being you. Love you!!

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  14. Grace. :) I really needed to read this today. Maybe everyday until I get my happy back. Serendipity leads us to some of the best things, the things we need to hear the most. I am grateful that I had the good fortune to find your page.

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    Replies
    1. M.W. aka CrazyMommy aka Raisingcrazy aka Wondermarian

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  15. I will just add myself to the long list here of people who love you. Truly.

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  16. I will just add myself to the long list of those who love you. I love you. Truly.

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  17. Well played, Dumpster lady. Well played.

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  18. You are the awesome-sauce, lady. No question.

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  19. go on with your badass self!! <3 I mean that. I'm super glad I found you and your blog. You have given me amazing insights into a person very close to me who has been clean and sober for over 13 years. Thank you. ~April

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  20. You know, I've read everything you've posted (ok, that's not true, but I've read LOTS) and I am just so happy for you, to be able to read about the road you've traveled and how the journey has brought you to where you are now. There's hope for anyone that wants to try and you just keep on proving that. Thanks for your continued writing about the journey and how it never really ends....it just makes pit stops along the way.

    I am giving you the Versatile Blogger Award ~ you are awesome.

    http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com/2012/08/15/thank-you-thank-you-very-much/

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  21. You know, I have read so many of your posts and I just love how you talk about the journey to get to where you are today. It's not always about where you were or where you have been, but it's the journey along the way. And we all know it's not the end til you say it is ~ the courage it takes to take the 1st step is huge. Thank you for continuing to write about the daily journey and I can wait to hear the next step.

    I am giving you the Versatile Blogger Award because I love what you write ~ Thanks!

    http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com/2012/08/15/thank-you-thank-you-very-much/

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  22. Good post lady.

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  23. I'm in step one. I'm scared, emotionally raw, and I have no support in my sobriety. I haven't had a drink since last Thursday. I nearly lost my marriage. It isnt the first time. I have two children, wonderful children. I'm the child of an alcoholic. The granddaughter of an alcoholic. I have no mother, no contact with my father. I would be alone without my husband and children. I have no other addictions, but when I start drinking, I find that I can't stop until I simply can't do it anymore. My husband does not support me going to meetings. I worry that I will have to have more secrets in my life just to get sober and that scares me. I want to get to step two but I have no idea how. Trust is not my strong suit and to have faith, you have to trust. Is there any way to incorporate the twelve steps into my life without alienating my husband by acknowledging my addiction in meetings. It sounds horrible, but I feel so sorry for exposing him to the shame of my addictive behavior already, to further expose him ...but I just want to be well.

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    1. oh honey, you don't have to tell your husband anything. Whatever you say in meetings is your business. My husband doesn't know everything I've done and he doesn't ever need to. I hope you keep going and keep working hard. YOU ARE WORTH IT! No secrets.

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  24. holy crackers <3 Dear Anonymous ... I wonder if your husband would be willing to check out an alanon meeting? I went to one with a friend of mine for moral support. All of the things I heard the people at the meeting say, I had heard her say about her husband. It's also amazing to me to see how many people have gone through the program. You are not alone. best wishes. You can do this. Take it one day at a time, and remind yourself "I won't drink today." I know someone who recently celebrated over 25 years of sobriety. She said there were times it was so hard, she had to stop counting the days, and focus on the hours. I won't drink for this hour. And it got to minutes at times for her.

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    1. and above all, whatever he does or doesn't do, you do what you need to do, which is get honest and go to meetings and work your program.

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  25. BOOM! Dr. Oz sends those Daily Aha's. I'm sure he does it personally you know. Sometimes though, I'm amazed at how timely they are. Here's today's post:

    Daily Aha!
    Telling the truth is good for everyone, you included.

    Lying is bad for your health! In a recent study out of Notre Dame, participants who told fewer lies over a 10-week period also had fewer mental-health complaints, fewer physical complaints and improved personal relationships.

    Stress can be a beauty-killer. Telling that little white lie might seem easier, but it won’t help you or your partner. So don’t keep the truth in—let it out!

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    1. you're only as sick as your secrets. I'm too lazy to lie these days. It takes too much effort to keep it up. The truth iS ALWAYS easier.

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  26. Thanks so much...Yesterday was hard. When I read your replies I was very thankful. I can't say I didn't really want a glass of wine (yeah right, the bottle more like) but I didn't give in. There is a bottle in the house. It seems like so small a thing to say "I'll have a glass of wine with dinner" but it is never that simple. Then I have to scramble to hide the evidence, "act normal", etc. That never works. I want to get to that place where I wake up every day and I am grateful for my sobriety but as it is, every day I wake up and wonder if I will have a drink. To remind myself that I am powerless, that to have the drink is to sacrifice my entire life, my family, on the altar of my addiction...it is a heavy responsibility. I want to believe I am strong enough for it and that somehow I will get past this sense of fear and foreboding. I really can't fail this time.

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  27. You have inspired me. Thank your my new friend. I look forward to following your post!

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