Thursday, October 27, 2011

Things I Love Thursday - Part 15

There are some days I look at the train tracks or a flight of stairs and see myself hurling downward. Today is not one of those days and really, they are fewer and fewer all the time. I'm a self destructive person by nature and that means I fight to keep my footing in reality every day.

This is not a morbid death wish or a call for help, so please don't worry. It's simply a statement of who I am and knowing that helps keep me rooted in reality and how good every day really is.

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a dump truck. Not drive the dump truck, simply be a dump truck.
The psychological impact of that I cannot even begin.....
What I'm thankful for today is that I know my reality and I am firmly planted in it.  I don't have delusions of grandeur and think I'm the shit anymore.  When I was a drunk and even for a long time afterwards I saw myself as something other than a grain of sand among a gazillion other grains of sand.  And I was wrong.  This seems to be a bad thing to some people, to say I'm not really all that unique, but to me it's comforting. This is what allows me to connect with other people rather than pushing them all away as hard as I can, as I used to do. 

I fought for so long to be different and special and it got me in such a downward spiral of "notgoodenough" and really, got me so sick and delusional I visited psych wards and rehabs and jails.  You all know that story. 

Many moons ago in another lifetime I was an actress.  I KNOW, RIGHT?  I have a BS in Theatre.  For real.  I couldn't hack it in that life because it is rough.  Agents told me from the get go, you need to lose weight and you need to get your teeth fixed.  And I ran away.  Live theatre was a different story in that it accepts just about everybody and really the less classically attractive you are the better.  So I was stuck in this place of being a not "pretty" enough ingenue or an unseasoned, unique looking enough character actor.  I used to be really bitter about that. 

Now, I haven't acted in years and don't know if I ever will again.  I don't feel the need, the drive to do it as so many actors I know have.  They must do it.  It's in their blood.  It's not in my blood.  And that's just fine.  I have everything I want and need in my life, save for a baby and that will come some how and some way, I'm sure of it.  And in the meantime DH and I have a fucking great life together.  Every couple should be so happy and have as much fun together as we do. 

So, after being sober for 10 years, I know less than ever and that is such a comforting thought.  I don't have to have all the answers.  I don't have to be the prettiest or the thinnest or the smartest or the biggest smart ass or knowitall.  This is called surrender.  And I do it every day - some days better than others.  And it saves my life every day.  I don't know shit.  Which is quite different from being a dumb ass.  And whenever I think about that, I smile.  And breathe. 


  1. Love, love, love!

    The more I read, the more similarities I see between us. Scary! ;)


  2. It's good to check in with reality. I love you long time. Unique and special you are to me, Yoda.

  3. Grain of sand. I get it. But how about a unique and special grain of sand? One of my favorites.

  4. Isn't it funny ho when you realize you don't know shit, it somehow makes you more enlightened? Or maybe just lighter. ;-)

  5. Oh, yeah- I like the idea of the unique and special grain of sand! Grounded but still important and wonderful.

  6. Yeah! I love the idea of unique, special grain of sand. That implies that you're unique, but not alone. SO comforting. So good.

  7. We've never met and have little in common. But I love you anyway because you kick ass.

  8. Thanks DKL. Now THAT is awesome. You keep kicking ass and I will too.