There are some days I look at the train tracks or a flight of stairs and see myself hurling downward. Today is not one of those days and really, they are fewer and fewer all the time. I'm a self destructive person by nature and that means I fight to keep my footing in reality every day.
This is not a morbid death wish or a call for help, so please don't worry. It's simply a statement of who I am and knowing that helps keep me rooted in reality and how good every day really is.
|When I was a little girl I wanted to be a dump truck. Not drive the dump truck, simply be a dump truck. |
The psychological impact of that I cannot even begin.....
I fought for so long to be different and special and it got me in such a downward spiral of "notgoodenough" and really, got me so sick and delusional I visited psych wards and rehabs and jails. You all know that story.
Many moons ago in another lifetime I was an actress. I KNOW, RIGHT? I have a BS in Theatre. For real. I couldn't hack it in that life because it is rough. Agents told me from the get go, you need to lose weight and you need to get your teeth fixed. And I ran away. Live theatre was a different story in that it accepts just about everybody and really the less classically attractive you are the better. So I was stuck in this place of being a not "pretty" enough ingenue or an unseasoned, unique looking enough character actor. I used to be really bitter about that.
Now, I haven't acted in years and don't know if I ever will again. I don't feel the need, the drive to do it as so many actors I know have. They must do it. It's in their blood. It's not in my blood. And that's just fine. I have everything I want and need in my life, save for a baby and that will come some how and some way, I'm sure of it. And in the meantime DH and I have a fucking great life together. Every couple should be so happy and have as much fun together as we do.
So, after being sober for 10 years, I know less than ever and that is such a comforting thought. I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to be the prettiest or the thinnest or the smartest or the biggest smart ass or knowitall. This is called surrender. And I do it every day - some days better than others. And it saves my life every day. I don't know shit. Which is quite different from being a dumb ass. And whenever I think about that, I smile. And breathe.