You Should Really Fix Your Teeth

I really wasn't that good.

I was a teenage Gleek.  I was in choir from the time I was a wee awkward chubby girl.  And on it went until my junior year of High School when my Choir Director told me I should audition for the musical.  It was Anything Goes. 

I did.  I auditioned.  FOR THE CHORUS.  Because it never EVER occurred to me that I could be anything other than in THE CHORUS. 

Then the Director called my mom at home and asked if I could audition for one of the leads instead of just the chorus.  I flipped the hell out.  My mom encouraged me.  And I did.  And I got the part.  Talk about heady.  Look, Theatre and Chorus kids were not the cool kids at our High School.  But in that circle, to be a lead in a musical, meant I was PRETTY. HOT. SHIT. 

Hope Harcourt in Anything Goes.  That's me on the right, sailor dress, bad perm, shoulder pads.  Who cares that it was a 1920's show?  The set designer had to specially design rails on the "boat" set for me to hold onto while singing my solos, because I was so spastic and couldn't stand still while singing.

I started watching Glee because I am absolutely a geek and a glee club kid and a nerd and musically and theatrically gifted.  In certain ways.  But in many, more important ways, I was just not very good. 

Rachel Berry on Glee

I won't say I was a Rachel Berry, because I didn't have a pinkie's worth of her talent, but the yearning and the passion she has for the stage and performing, I had that.  For a long time.  With the figure skating for years and years and then the couple years of high school theatre under my belt, I was ready to conquer the world.  To become an actress.  And, I didn't want to be famous, I just wanted to do my CRAFT.  To perform and have people recognize the genius of my ability in the THEATRE.  AHEM AHEM AHEM. 

Every single high school has these kids.  These kids that are special at this one thing.  The football hero, the math genius, the Prom Queen.

I told my parents I wouldn't go to College, as I was Broadway Bound.  Not Los Angeles, that wasn't for me.  I longed to be on the stage.  And honestly, I did at that time.  My dad said, NO FUCKING WAY (not in those words, but close) are you not going to college, so we compromised and I went to school for theatre.  I have a B.S. in Acting.  Hold the snickering down please. 

Stage Left.  I even got to have a baby bump in part of this one.  The Baker's Wife in Into the Woods.

College was a battle.  I wasn't that good and the deck was stacked against me as there were politics and talent at play and I didn't really get many good shows and parts.  Also, I was super nervous and didn't play the game very well.  I wasn't a victim and it's not "poor me".  That's just how it was.  The Theatre School experience is a post for another day.  Or many posts.  Anyway.....

I graduated college and went out to a ton of auditions and got a few parts in Chicago theatre for a few years.  I got a couple agents, although they basically told me I was generic and needed to get my teeth fixed.  I waited tables and became a drunk.  I was living the dream! 

Into the Woods AGAIN as the Ugly Stepsister(s) in the pink.  Long story. 

And it was fun.  And it was what I wanted.  Until it wasn't.  And then one day I realized, I don't even enjoy doing this anymore.  So I just didn't go to auditions anymore.  I didn't look at the Hotlines for notices.  All of this coincided with me becoming a serious drunk, mind you, and the last show I did I was in a COMPLETE black out.  I read reviews of this show in the paper, talking about how good my performance was, and I had NO MEMORY of it. 

The worst part of acting for me at least, was auditioning.  There was a scene in the last Glee where Rachel was up on stage and flubbed a song for an important audition.  Even if you've never had to audition for anything, you cringed for her.  I've done that flub.  A few times.  And it is MORTIFYING.  I dream of these times now a few times a week.  No lie.  I wonder if it will ever go away.   If I feel like doing it again, I always can.  I just heven't felt the need, the desire, the passion to do it again, so I figure, why force it?  Chicago is a great city for theatre, and my dear husband happens to be a big shot Director.  He is really good.  He is way better at acting and directing than I ever was at acting.   

There are many reasons I love my life today.  One of the main reasons is that I no longer have to audition for any part.  I don't have to pretend in any part of my life in order to escape.  Not through acting, and not through alcohol.  I've gotten the part I never dreamed I was good enough for, and that is being exactly who I am in my own skin.  Oh, and I never got my teeth fixed.  Fuck all that bullshit.  I am good enough just as I am.