This is the last post you will see of mine before I go for a preliminary blood test to see if I am pregnant or not. I am not going to post about it here or on the Facebook page right away. I KNOW YOU WILL RESPECT THAT DECISION. All in due time, I will share with you when I feel safe doing so. In the meantime, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for each message and prayer and thought you've given my husband and I. And by all means, KEEP THEM COMING!
What I love this Thursday is just being present. Being able to fully participate in this gut wrenching time in my life with my husband. Who has shown me courage I didn't know he had, going through this with me. He has shown confidence and love and patience and kindness toward me that, if possible, has made me love him even more. As awful as this in-vitro process has been at times, it's been an incredible bonding experience for us. I don't recommend it to anyone as a marriage enhancer, but, for us, it became a positive.
Being sober, BEING PRESENT, is the thing that means the very most to me because as I always say, without it, I have nothing. I know there are mothers out there struggling with sobriety. I know there are kids (and that can mean adult kids too) out there watching their mothers who are sick and struggling and are so hurt because their addiction is so much more important to them than you are. To you kids I say, it isn't. I promise. Almost every mom I meet has expressed to me that they love their kids and would do anything for them, they just can't stop drinking. Which of course makes the cycle all that much worse. They would give ANYTHING if their kids never had to see them using. I have no defense for that, I am simply saying this thing is so strong, it takes over even what you love the most, namely, your kids. It takes down entire families. I see it every day.
Becoming an alcoholic was not in my life plan. I KNOW, SHOCKING. And yet, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I never would be where I am and have the life I do if I hadn't become an alcoholic and then gotten sober. I am profoundly grateful that I got the gift of sobriety before I had a child. I don't know why I got it when I did and so many others don't. That is not my burden to understand or explain, I just need to hold on for dear life and continue to carry the message. If I keep doing my part, my child will never have to see me drunk, dead or worse. My child will see me fully present. Fully sober and there. IF I KEEP DOING THE NEXT RIGHT THING.
I know that I have an army of support here. I know that in my real life Chris and I have so many people praying and hoping and dreaming and wishing and sending me such loving energy and I can feel it. All of you who have walked this path before us, I salute you. Those going through it right now, much respect and love. And find something to laugh about - QUICKLY!
I have said to you many many times, Everything will be alright. Either way, we are good. We are great. We have all we need and want. A baby would just be icing on the cake.
My husband and I are united and WE CHOOSE HOPE. What could POSSIBLY be better than that?
Now, a genuinely warm and loving Happy Mother's Day to all of you incredible mamas out there. I love you for what you do and the love and kindness you've shown me. Those are some damn lucky kids that you have.
And to my own little Mama -
who I wrote a guest post about that just about did me in, I love her so much - stay tuned for that one down the road......
My dear amazing Mother-in-Law -
who raised an incredible man in my husband and is so kind to me, it's astounding.....
and my Sister-in-Law Julie -
who is rasing three incredible kids with a fourth on the way - I am in awe of you and how you do it. And I really like you too. That's the best part.
And lastly, to Mary Tyler Mom, and this post she wrote, that inspired this post. She talks about the other side of Mother's Day, and the people we have lost, or never even met, in all kinds of ways. There is a lot of hurt out there on Mother's Day. She has the courage and the grace I aspire to.
And she ALWAYS chooses hope.
To all of you amazing women, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!