|I wish I could credit whoever made this card, it's brilliant. Thanks to Audra Jo for sending my way.|
FEEDING BABIES IS MY NEW SMOKE BREAK.
and here - Journey to Quit Town.
So, two epiphanies really.
Anyway, as I was feeding two babies at once and looking out the window and wondering WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, KATY, and yet, ISN'T THIS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL? It hit me. I used to run outside to smoke and have these "deep thoughts" all the time.
Here's how they are similar and how feeding babies has turned into my smoke break.
- I LOVE TO RUN AWAY. Smoke breaks were PERFECT for that escape. If I was getting uncomfortable or bored in a situation, I ran away to smoke. Now I can't do that anymore, but I CAN run away and blame it on babies needing to be fed. Perfect, right? Who's gonna argue with babies needing to be fed? A REAL JERK. That's who.
- I always whipped out my bewbies while smoking. What? Don't everybody?
- My body is occupied with some magical transformation and crud while feeding babies. Same as smoking. JUST THE FEEDING IS ACTUALLY NOURISHING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. The smoking, while glorious, was depleting my human beingness.
- Smoking cost a lot of money. Feeding babies costs nada. Zilch. Nothing. Well, it costs how much food I put in my gullet, so yeah, nevermind. I eat CONSTANTLY.
- Smoking kept me thin. LIES!!! I was all over the board with smoking, so I don't buy that. I was super heavy and I was super thin. Not until the past couple years would I consider myself "healthy". Smoking didn't help me maintain my weight at all. Now, feeding babies on the other hand, MY GODS I EAT WHATEVER I WANT AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT. I'm only 10 pounds above my weight pre-pregnancy now and I haven't exercised at all (I hopefully get the ok from my doc about my c-section next week - HOORAY! Spinning classes here I come!). In the meantime, curling car seats with fat babies in them while running up and down stairs, I guess that counts as exercise.
- There is this social thing that happens when you are a smoker. Those who smoke know what I am talking about. I could go outside to smoke, ANYWHERE, and find somebody smoking and even if we didn't say a word, WE KNEW. We knew we were feeding the need and getting a temporary reprieve from life and as that sweet sweet poison filled our lungs we were granted another short period of time where everything was manageable.
- I was granted time by myself while smoking. So now, feeding babies, while they are TECHNICALLY SMALL LITTLE HUMANS, I am still by myself for that that time and it can become very meditative. I contemplate deep shit, you guys. Sometimes for real, and sometimes, just shit. Babies make you think about shit.
- I MISS SMOKING. I miss it all the damn time. Have I mentioned that?
- But I also firmly believe that even though it's not a mind altering drug like booze was for me, it really did limit my FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS. It made me numb in some ways, and I don't accept that for myself any more.
- Babies will cry like crazy every 2 to three hours to be fed. JUST LIKE THE BEAST THAT IS NICOTINE.
I still heart this photo with the smoke in my mouth. It's like my album cover from a period of time where I was wanting to quit so badly, and yet couldn't do it. YET. I was lost and wanting to be found. Today I am Found. Just for today.
I won't ever judge a smoker or a drinker, as you know I'm a friend to users. I am a user. I am a drunk who doesn't drink today and a smoker who doesn't smoke today. I can go back any time I want. Just for today, I choose not to. But those who do - RESPECT. Users are not weak. Users are strong. We have to fight demons that non-users don't. We are enemy number one. And it's deadly. We try to kill ourselves every day, and until we admit that to ourselves and knock that shit off, we keep getting closer and closer to actually doing it.
If and when you want to quit I can't tell you what to do or how to do it. I can only tell you what I did, and it's not what works for everyone. ONE DAY AT A TIME. If you really want to drink or use or smoke tomorrow, you can. But just for today, I choose not to. I respect whatever and wherever you are on your journey. And let me just say once more, DAMN, I MISS IT. It doesn't just magically go away. You have to find something to fill the hole. I found AA. You find whatever you want to fill that void. When I am done feeding babies, I will have to keep filling the void with good stuff in order to not pick up again. And I will. Believe that.
I miss the smoking most of all. I have no shame in admitting that. HOWEVER, The gratitude and the being present in this moment in this life is so much better. The payoff of life and being worthy of more life is so worth it. I believe in myself and I believe that YOU are so worth it.