Thursday, May 31, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 40

It struck me this morning as I was snug on the train with my Hunter boots on and my umbrella and my husband right next to me all dry and safe and going to my JOB that it wasn't always this way.  I keep my past close, and one thing that I keep super close is that last year before getting sober.

That last year I lived in a Chicago Public Park, on a bench.  It was my home base, if you can call it that.  By my choice. I pushed everyone away and chose to drink over anything and anyone else.  I begged for money for vodka. The gut rot, cheapest vodka.  I walked around a lot.  I walked around in a stupor as I was drunk all the time.  I drank around the clock to keep myself medicated.  I didn't want to feel or see what was happening.  I remember vividly how people looked at me.  The way moms walking with children looked at me, or tried to avoid looking at me.  The way people walking to the train to go to work looked at me.  Walked around me giving me a wide berth, as they didn't know what I was capable of.   It was a terrible, lonely, never ending existence. 

I keep that time close as I am now so desirous of a baby.  I once had no home.  I once had no self respect or self esteem or love in my life.  No stability.  No self worth.  So when I say that a baby would be icing, I mean, a baby would be icing on the cake that is my INCREDIBLE life today.  When I say life is so good, I mean it with every ounce of my being.  LIFE IS SO GOOD.  I am so grateful I didn't die.  I am so grateful to be sober.  I am so grateful that I am here to experience what is so incredible and worthwhile and what I was searching for all my life but didn't even know what it was until it found me. 



Having a home, a job, a husband who loves me, my family being proud of me and getting to be involved in their lives, but most of all - above all the external stuff - having the self worth I always craved and drank because I couldn't find it within me, THAT is the Thing I Love this Thursday.  SELF WORTH.  Elusive and fleeting.  When you find it, grab it by the balls and hang on tight.  Work for it.  Do the hard work.  It doesn't come easy when you've lost so much.  And it takes time.  It takes a long time to heal and to experience that self love and worth you never ever knew until now.  YOU are so worthy.  Make yourself worthy.  Be worthy. 

I have flashes from time to time of people looking at me as if I am not worthy.  And I don't even let it get to me for second.  I look them right back in the eye, no head down walking away quickly.  I AM HERE.  And I am worthy.  And I will look you in the eyes with pride and self worth.  What you do with that is your choice.  I choose every day to hold my head up and carry on with the grace and dignity that I have worked so hard to achieve and that was so lovingly given to me to pass along. 

27 comments:

  1. You are worth it! Shit, I don't even know you, and I'm so incredibly proud of what you've accomplished. <3 Sometimes I think "She's going to think I'm nuts because I think of her like a friend," but quite honestly, I do in some weird cyber way. Weird? Nah. You're just that awesome. xoxo

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  2. Ahhh I love it. I am so proud of you. I have been off drugs since November of 2010 and I am so blessed. I never thought I would be where I am today. I must agree with you, life is good!!!

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  3. Have I told you lately how much I love you? Your bravery to throw down your past in throw-down fashion to show it who's boss is so inspiring! You rock! I am grateful you are in a place to be a beacon of light to the hurting. Keep going girl. Thank you for using your ugly past to insure a brighter future for you, your hubby & you're one-day growing family. You help keep me going, for sure.

    Hugs & Love & Kisses & Stuff! You're amaze-sauce.

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  4. My dear~There are just not enough words to express to you how much I love you. This is amazing and a wonderful reminder to all that no matter how bad things can get, it can always get better if you desire it too! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, it and YOU!!

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  5. Wow. Just wow. You made me cry with this. My sister battled and lost to an addiction. You have always been frank about where you had to go to get to where you are going, but I never ever imagined that you passed through this place( living in the park). I want you to know my TILT is you. You take the stigma out of saying I am an addict and I need help. I know that you aren't the first to talk about it but you are the first person I have seen that I can identify with. And even after achieving what you already have, you don't put on airs. You are every woman. You make pride, dignity, self worth, sobriety, even weight loss look attainable. You are the reason I believe I can do this. I mentioned my sister in the beginning of this post because I believe if she were here that she would feel the same as I do. We were so much alike. I know so many people who will benefit from you. So thank you for putting yourself out there so that those of us struggling can see that IT is possible. Thank you for being real. Thank you for allowing us to share in your wonderful life, for allowing us to see the dark places and the struggle that was essential in making you who you are today. Thank you for hope. And thank you for letting me ramble on. Love to you today and always - Jerri Lynn

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  6. I love this...I love that I can put my own trials and troubles and pasts in your blogs like a madlibs book. We all can. I'm grateful to have found another positive influence!

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  7. Blargh, Kitty, blargh! Tears. Beautiful. I want to bask in this gratitude for a few more minutes. I want the post to be longer. I want to swim in it. Write another one. Something. I need this kind of gratitude. I used to be so much better at being grateful. Thanks for this reminder of what it feels like. Thank you.

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  8. dangit Kitty!!! I wasn't gonna cry today- but you did it. You Barbara Walters you!! I'm having a shitty week. Just shitty. And this, this post, ahhhh, you made it all clear again. Thank you. Thank you. <> You complete me. (okay, I just threw that last part in because Jerry Maguire was on tv the other night and I was sooo watching that last scene) Tootles babe. <3 YOU!

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  9. You are an incredible human being, and good friend, Katy. I am blessed to know you. So happy to be a teeny part of your journey. Love and light to you and DH. So much love. xoxo

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  10. This brought me to tears. I have my own hard earned self worth, but sometimes, it can be hard to hang on to. I read this at the perfect moment to help me remember to hang on to it tightly, even through dark times. Thanks.

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  11. You are absolutely amazing. I know I say it all the time, but THANK YOU for sharing your life with us.

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  12. You are one amazing chick! I am so happy to have found your blog! Keep kickin' ass, girlfriend!! I pray for your icing!!

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  13. Holy Shit, Katy this is one of the best blogs I have ever read. I cannot believe you were able to say so darn much in a few paragraphs!

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  14. that was amazing. i feel like such a schlub because i haven't struggled the way you have and the way you exist is with such panache. that "just fuck it this is me panache" has gotten you where you are. sounds weird, i know and especially because i'm a recent fan, but i think about you a lot and your travails and your gratitude and optimism is contagious. i wish my mom had your stones. you're the cat's pajamas, "kitty" (that's what i see other people call you). meow. i hope you have your baby, 10 of them if that suits you! God bless.

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  15. I love this on so many levels. Thank you for writing it.

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  16. You are pretty much the baddest ass that I know in cyberspace.

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  17. My gawd, I cannot love this anymore tgan if it was dipped in chocolate with a side of pickles. You are amazing. Grabbing everything I know I am worth by the balls and loving myself for it. Pretty lady, thank you.

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  18. And the tears. Streaming. Much love.

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  19. Girl you are so right... it takes time, but it is worth it! After reading this I am filled with gratitude. I can not believe how much I value knowing you here in this vast cyber-space... wow -- just wow! Oh, "but didn't even know what it was until it found me." Thank gawd 'it' found you! Thank gawd 'it' found me! I am all filled up with gratitude... thank you!

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  20. K, you are totally amazing. Your blunt honesty about where you have been, to the place you have risen to is always inspiring, funny and NEVER dull. You never fail to elicit an emotional response from your readers or your casual followers. You girl, are a true delight.

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  21. The gift of reading about where you've been is a constant reminder to me of the "yets" that are always attached to those of us fighting addiction. My "bottom" wasn't anywhere near yours... And by you opening up and shedding light on your past, you show me what my future COULD look like, if I take a drink.

    Gratitude..... I feel it every day I wake. I feel it more since you've been in my life. xoxoxO!!!

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  22. you inspired me. i want you to know that and i want people to read about you. i don't even know you and i'm so grateful you're still on this blue rock. thank you.

    http://mollyfielddotcom.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/real-30/

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  23. I am SO very thankful that you beat the odds. That you found whatever "it" was that you needed to wake up, fight and love you enough to get sober. Your story, your eloquence touches so many lives. I lost my brother to addiction, when he hit rock bottom, he never came back up. My mother still battles addiction and I am afraid to allow her to be close to my children because of it and dammit I miss my Mommy. She said she didn't need AA, she didn't need therapy. Pfft. She is living and I lost her to alcohol. It hurts.

    YOU HAVE THIS. You are doing it, living it, loving life. I applaud you. During my years as a CASAC student, I couldn't get over the people who didn't fight. Damn woman, I am babbling, but I LOVE the hell out of you!!!! I am glad that you have the wherewithall to be the best Dumpster Mom ever. Sober. Fantabulous. YOU!

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  24. My comment was lost in cyberspace. Guess it wasn't meant to be. I love you. I am thankful that you beat the odds. So many don't. My brother chose not to fight, he took his life. My mother still drinks.

    You have been blessed and in turn bless us beyond measure. Dumpster Baby is going to be one lucky ass kid. You rawk. Hard.

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  25. All of us need a reminder that what we HAVE is what we once hoped for. It is too easy to take the good stuff for granted. Thanks!

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  26. Seriously amazing!! Inspiring is the best way to describe it!!!

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  27. Stuff like this right here... All of this - it's why I love you to bits! Keep on keepin' on! And continue to rock your gorgeous self in those pretty, pretty shoes <3

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