Tuesday, February 7, 2012

It's Easy to be Awful

It is incredibly easy to be a hateful bitch.  It's so much harder to be kind and forgiving and compassionate. My go to emotion is often anger, but then it's not anger, it's usually hurt and fear and it manifests itself in anger.  When I step back and identify what I'm feeling 9 times out of 10 that's what it is and I can respond more appropriately. 

Then THIS happened this morning, and I shared on the Facebook page:
Co-worker in the kitchen: "So, what show is your Husband directing these days?"
Me: "It's called the Theatre of Making a Baby, and it's all VERY dramatic."
Co-worker: "ok, well good luck with that." EXITS. And scene.

The Underachieving Domestic Goddess, who has become a dear friend online and writes a great blog, said "You just wear your heart on your sleeve..there is nothing wrong about living out loud - you just have to do it knowing people aren't always going to know what to say or how to react as cool as a cucumber like you! Not everyone has that grace!"

Honestly, I don't know how else to do this anymore.  I can't NOT be honest to what is going on.   And yet, some situations demand that I be more careful and respectful of other people's comfort level.  I am only responsible for what comes out of my mouth, but I don't really want to alienate everyone else.  Some people yes, but not everyone.  *Wink*

When I lash out at someone, it's because I didn't stop and think and identify.   I do this still, a lot.  I am way better than I used to be, but damn, it's still there.  I am a hot blooded Irish woman and my temper is right there, all the time.  If I can get a handle on what I'm feeling, I can do better.  It's self preservation to be venomous and bitter and hateful when I feel threatened.  It's also humor and sarcasm and snark.  I use it constantly, and honestly, it's helped me to survive.  I have no plans of giving it up, but I have to be mindful of what's really going on.  It's covering the deeper shit that for me, can't be covered. 

What does revenge do?  It keeps the cycle going.  I can't afford that luxury.  I can't afford to be hateful and resentful and bitter and angry.  That shit will cause me to drink.  Maybe not today and maybe not even next week, but if I hold onto that, I will drink.  Because that is WHAT I DO.  I drink.  To numb feelings and to escape my reality.

This is the ongoing challenge for the rest of my fucking life.  One day at a time, no matter what, I have to be responsible for my feelings and not drink because of them.  This is hard work.  This is going to be tested over and over and over and I'm going to fail.  MISERABLY.  But then, that is what apologies and amends and forgiveness are for. 

This working on yourself bullshit is just that sometimes.  BULLSHIT.  But I would so much rather this than the alternative of never feeling anything. 

I have thoughts of revenge and dream of someone getting what I think they "deserve".  I have delicious moment of revenge filled fantasies.  But that is not my call.  Who the hell am I to say what someone deserves?  I deserve to be miserable and unhappy and drunk. If life were fair, I would be dead.

I acted abominably when I was using.  I hurt everyone around me continually with no regard for their feelings and what I was doing to them.  NONE.  Today, I try to pay that all back by trying to do better, to BE better.

I don't WANT to work on myself all the time.  I don't.  But I have to.  It's part of the deal I made when I got sober that I would do whatever it takes to stay sober.  So, I begrudgingly fight the good fight and try harder.  That includes failing.  Fail every day and often!  That should be my motto.  It's the picking myself up and taking responsibility for my actions that get me back on the right path. 

This life I've been given is a gift. I hear myself sometimes and I want to spank my own face for how cheesy it all sounds.  But then I remember, you know what?  This shit is deadly serious.  I won't apologize for taking it seriously.   I was given a second chance, and I don't ever take that granted.  Not for one second.  


  1. Without darkness, there can be no light.
    Failures and mistakes are important because they teach us how to be better.
    You are amazing! XoXo

  2. Living with integrity really bites some times. There are times when I really miss the irresponsibility of being an active drunk. Once in a while I catch myself thinking, "If I could just have ONE more day of wild, no holds barred drunkenness, that would be so much fun!" Luckily I've learned to catch myself and remember that ONE day won't be enough for me. I truly am a "one is too many, and a thousand is never enough" kind of alcoholic/addict.

    It took a very angry man in the program to teach me that behind every anger is a hurt. At the time, I would deny that I could be hurt, but I was full of shit. :-) I'm not always super sympathetic, but I'm sensitive. (Wait! A sensitive alcoholic? NO WAY!) I still think I'd rather get punched in the face than have my feelings hurt.

    I don't know if any of this random blathering is making much sense. All I know is that a) I'm a drunk, b) I know what it's like to have a hard time getting pregnant, c) I love you.

    Be well, love.

  3. I just NEED you to know, exactly how I understand you! Between you and Running From Hell with El, I FEEL LESS ALONE. You BOTH entered my tiny cranium, this morn; and I will send you exactly what I sent her earlier: a big ol' <3, a great big hug, and a smirk of mutual understanding. Kudos, Katy!!

  4. You take my breath away with your strength and honesty, and with this post have captured a lot of what I have wanted to say for the past few days. You are doing it, and doing it well. I love you, dearly and completely!

  5. I admire your honesty and ability to put it out there! I am grateful to have met you in this vast world wide web... hugs!

  6. How do you manage to fit so much truth and goodness--not to be confused with sweetness--in a single post? I could easily write a comment on the post four times the post's length, and still not say half of what you managed to here. Just beautiful. I struggle with these things, too. I'm still hot-blooded underneath it all. I just know what it feels like now to feel things from the other side. I remember a dear friend telling me her SO's response when she called him a "fuckhead" in the heat of the moment: "You know, you can't take those things back." As best as I'm able, I try to stop myself from saying the words I can't take back matched to feelings that will be much more transient in the end. But I'm human. I fuck up. And then I try to be gracious about it (as you exemplify here) and behave better next time, knowing just how miserable it feels to not have behaved better this time.

    But I would so much rather this than the alternative of never feeling anything.
    A huge amen to this.

    Much love.

  7. This is a great, honest post. I can feel your level of emotion through the computer.

  8. I <3 you. Don't ever give up. It's a battle, but one worth fighting for. And keep being real. Mostly for you, but a little for us, too.

    I love your honesty. It's so brutally self-aware, yet at the same time reflective, so that within you we see ourselves. Or someone we love.

    My wish for all drunks is to have the same proud self-awareness and willingness to face reality head-on, and not through a self-imposed fog, as you.


  9. I am the same way. I feel like i have been hit in the face ny a bag of shit ehen people give me that lying smile that os permanently on their face. I know it goes like this afterwards " you will never guess what ( insert name here) said. Yhen it gers twisted etc. Thats why i say ehat i mean and mean what i say. So simple. People dont have to like me or even know me, but they know where i stand. P.S. its fat finger monday.