Monday, July 16, 2012

It's Been a Hot Minute

It's been a hot minute since we talked about smoking. CIGARETTES.  Let's re-visit shall we?  I've not had a smoke since March. 



Done, over, KABLAMMO. 

However, the desire is still there - and so strong.  Sometimes not at all and for a long period of time, but then, the other night we were at a bar and while the drinking is tempting, sure, the smoking is incredibly tempting. 

I've learned how to handle the drinking cravings that only strike once in a blue moon nowadays and I play out that tape and then do the whole ONE IS TOO MANY AND A THOUSAND IS NOT ENOUGH deal and I'm over it. 

The smoking is harder.  I never smoked until I quit drinking so it was my entire coping mechanism in social situations.  You take the drinking away, my first defense, and replace it with smoking, my second defense.  For someone as socially awkward as I am it was my escape, my two minutes by myself and breathing the sickly corrosive chemicals that were so so sweet and soothing.  I understand it's the opposite, but for the sake of me being a smoker, please don't lecture me. As I analyze it even more, I realize it was a deterrent, a way to push people away even, which for me was another benefit.  "I have to go smoke" was the perfect way to get away from anything uncomfortable and it worked for years. 

It strikes at odd times and hard.  It is so strong that I feel compelled to feel my pocket and my purse to see that I don't have a smoke in there.  I look around and case the room to see who's a smoker - YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL A SMOKER - and quickly wonder how I can ask to bum one.  But now I've gotten to that place where I can do the same damn thing with smoking that I do with drinking.

"What is the need?  What will it fill?  With this one smoke you will then want 10 more after that."  I still carry around my electronic ciggy with me everywhere just so I can feel it in my hands like a safety blanket.  It doesn't have any juice in it, but it somehow makes me feel better for that moment.  And you know what?  I will do whatever it takes to not be smoking. 

Though not as deadly and consequential as drinking for me, I KNOW SMOKING KILLS, but drinking will kill me more quickly - smoking is still going to kill me.  And I have done everything in my power to give this baby a fighting chance.  Baby aside, this is about me doing what I need to do to be healthy and in turn be healthy for this baby. 

But dammit if I didn't want a smoke so badly the other night I almost instinctively picked up a butt in an ashtray that was still smoking.  This addiction shit is in my blood.  And because I know and accept that, I can fight it.  And I intend to, one craving at a time.  And I know you can too.  I KNOW YOU CAN.  I believe in you.  

Today I am a smoker who is not smoking.  And that is something I didn't think I would ever be able to say.  Never say never is the lesson I've learned this year ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.  And it is so very good to prove myself wrong.   

39 comments:

  1. truth. been an ex smoker for 3 years now and still get smacked upside the head with the Want Now urges.

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    1. congrats! that is so awesome. Cravings pass. we got this.

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  2. Ughhh... Been 5 years for me next month and I STILL get the cravings...

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    1. yeah, I hear it never totally goes away. congrats on 5 years!

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  3. I, too, found myself casing the wedding reception I went to on Saturday looking for the smoker that was friendly enough to share. I wanted one so badly I actually had that ache in my chest (do you know what I mean, or does that only happen to me?). I'm glad to say that instead of sneaking out to the dark patio to bum a cig, I took my ass out on the dance floor and danced the night away. Sure, I stood really close to the door so I could smell the smoke, but I didn't do it! Yay, us!!!

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    1. we must have been in parallel universes Sat. night. I knew I felt the love. good girl, so proud of us!

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  4. It took me a long time for the compulsion to go away, but now the smell makes me nauseous so I don't think about it. Good luck to you!

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  5. thanks for sharing, pretty lady! great advice & amazing inspiration!

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  6. Since March? That's AWESOME!!!! Good job mama!

    I hadn't smoked in 2 months, but broke down and had one Wednesday night. I let myself get to that "it's either a drink or a smoke" point and smoked one. Luckily it was only that one and I haven't had one since. I got this. :-)

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    1. you are awesome. Right back on the horse. and yes, for us, it's ALWAYS better than a drink.

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  7. I've never smoked, but both my parents did as I was growing up. The weird thing is I smoke in my dreams and I also have the desire to smoke during those awkward moments in conversation (when you want that pause to think and something to do with your hands so you feel less uncomfortable). So weird. Keep up the fight!

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    1. that is really interesting about dreaming about them. I totally get it.

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  8. Nothin but LOVE for you, girl!! Your candid honesty almost always brings tears to my eyes. That's one lucky peanut you're growing! Keep fighting the good fight. HUGS!

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  9. I've been an ex for....8 years now and the craving will STILL randomly hit. I'll dream I can smoke a pack and still walk away without a 3pack a day habit again. congrats on being an ex, welcome to the club and keep on keepin on, it gets easier!

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  10. August 10, 1994 -- cigarettes.
    May 20, 1998 -- speed.
    ??? 2010 -- weed (any wonder I forget the date?).
    March 11, 2011 -- alcohol.

    4X and proud!!!

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    1. those are your quit dates? EX-CELLENT

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  11. You are an inspiration to many! I have nominated you for the Sunshine Bloggers Award. Check out the details here: http://mamasmumbojumbo.blogspot.com/2012/07/award-for-me.html

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  12. I love you. Cravings suck balls. You are a fantastic baby-maker. That is all. xsnos

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  13. Keep the positive energy flowing, just started following you, you're one of my mini breaks now since I've moved back home to take care of a cancer struck mother aka my best friend. Also, congrats on getting pregnant :)

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  14. I have the utmost respect for what you have accomplished! I think sometimes the entire addiction thing is my addiction. Some of us just seem to have it in our nature. always seem to struggling with one. Started with smokes... switched to food (to the gastric bypass stage)... then caffeine... now fighting the urge to self-medicate with wine. I do have to say, this one scares me the most by far.

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  15. You got this! My dad smoked from 13 to 40 something and he had to take one of those pills to quit and after about 10 years the smell of someone smoking would make him sick. I am pretty sure that's what keeps him from craving. He also gets to add up the "savings" periodically when he wants a new computer doohickey and that helps him too lol oh he also has 29 years sober,

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  16. I quit 3 years ago. The last couple of weeks I have been craving a menthol badly! I haven't given in, but sweet baby jeebus I'd love to.

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  17. I'm not a smoker anymore and I don't have an addictive bone in my body, thank the Lord, but my husband has enough addictions for the both of us. I find you to be a complete inspiration and share your blog with him...he's sober 9 days and I'm hanging on to the hope that someday that might be 9 years. Thank you and way to go!! You rock, girl.

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  18. I quit 3 years ago. The last couple of weeks I have been craving a menthol badly! I haven't given in, but sweet baby jeebus I'd love to.

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  19. Rock On... Girly! One day at a time... Right?! :)

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  20. Damn Philip Morris to hell. I want a cig. ALL THE TIME!! Just typing that sentence makes me take a deep breath. My dad smoked when I was younger, but us kids got him to quit. Now he says if he makes it to 80 he's starting again, he hasn't smoked in over 25 years and he still craves it.

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  21. Thank you for this. I'm waging a battle with myself trying to quit smoking. This post gave me new words to say to myself and a new perspective to try on. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I haven't mastered it yet, but I will!

    Thank you so much for being willing to share your demons and your victories. It makes a difference.
    Kim

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  22. Keep strong, ladies!! It's the most loving present you can ever give YOURSELVES! I gave myself the present for my 40th birthday. It will be 15 years soon. The CRAZEE, random cravings do lessen over time. It's like your emotional "child" has to do a constant check for awhile to see if you were serious or not: "Did you REALLY mean NO", just like a child will question a parent who says, "no". Reassure your "EMO-baby" that yes, you are going to do this, and you will get through it. Then give your "EMO" baby some love, and a big bear hug! You all can do this! Just keep that "EMO baby" happy! P.S. After I quit drinking, in a social setting, I became the napkin shredder! I would have a MOUNTAIN of tiny paper balls scattered all over the table...I mean HUNDREDS! Paper napkins were my best friends! Hey, you have to get tricky when you are trying to divert and outsmart yourself! IWADB, you ROCK!! Your honesty, and love for your peeps is a very cool thing to see/read! You, and they, are so going to do this! I am so proud of all you women!!

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  23. Cindy Urban PickeringJuly 17, 2012 at 2:40 PM

    Maybe I shouldn't tell you this--maybe it's better you don't know! Oh hell-you'll find out eventually! I quit smoking 37 years ago when I got pregnant! Yay me. But still, and you never know when it will strike, I get a whiff of someone's smoke and ooooooh, it's all over! 'I want!'my body screams! Thirty-seven years! Who would think? But most times I catch a whiff, I want to hurl--it doesn't smell like something I should want! But the other times....just gotta go with it--I've never actually smoked a whole one while in one of those states-probably never even took a good drag on one because I know I shouldn't! Good luck--it's a long fight--and don't start another habit to replace it. Just hold on to the electronic butt!

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  24. I'd stopped smoking several times before (since starting at about seventeen) -- once for a year and a half (late teens), once for five years (mid-twenties), and then the several times I was pregnant/trying (late-twenties). I truly QUIT three years ago this September 3rd.

    It takes a while. The time I quit for five years was the hardest, as that was after the longest stretch of smoking -- took about a full year until the normal cravings went away. Then took another few years until the super random social situation cravings went away.

    But the last three drags I took off a cigarette maybe two years ago (after I'd quit) actually made me sick. This was after I'd spent about a year purifying my diet and switching to a lot of plant-based stuff. I think my body just recognizes the poison now.

    So this time, I'm a REAL non-smoker. It will get easier.

    xoxo
    ~Steph L.

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  25. Good for you and your talking all this out and figuring what you need to tell yourself to get in the right mindset. This is a great strength. You know, I have heard from other people who quit both smoking and drinking that smoking was the harder of the 2 for them. That's interesting stuff.

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  26. "A Smoker who is not smoking"...this SO sums it up. Congrats on quitting! I will admit I inhale deeply if I smell smoke nearby...sometimes go outside with my smoker friends so I can smell some second-hand smoke and guilty of "puffing" (no inhaling) on occasion. I quit smoking 2 years ago and just now might go a day or two without thinking about how nice it would it be to go out and have a smoke. I also found the drinking (loved it too much too) far easier than to give up than smoking.

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  27. Good god, that sounds so hard. I tried smoking a few cigarettes in high school and am so lucky it didn't "take".

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  28. I give total props to and have massive respect for anyone that has the power to over come ANY addiction, no matter what it is, but am I the only one here that doesn't want to quit smoking? I thoroughly enjoy smoking. Why not do it? (I mean that generally.) I would never push or try to get someone to smoke. I wouldn't suggest anyone start smoking, but for me, I have smoked more then half my life...I do not want to quit.

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    1. I don't think anybody wants to quit. I certainly didn't. I LOVE SMOKING. I would be doing it in a second if it weren't killing me and harmful to my babies. I seriously miss it every day.

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  29. I gotta say, I'm usually the influential person that my friends and strangers look up to...always positive, always helping. Until I found your link off of FB, your posts are INFLUENTIAL. You're a joy to read. I love to hear about "turn-arounds" in life. We all choose certain paths. But each path chosen, leads you to a different life. You have taken that path for a reason. And that reason is to help others. You can only go up from here. You rock!

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