It's been a hot minute since we talked about smoking. CIGARETTES. Let's re-visit shall we? I've not had a smoke since March.
Done, over, KABLAMMO.
However, the desire is still there - and so strong. Sometimes not at all and for a long period of time, but then, the other night we were at a bar and while the drinking is tempting, sure, the smoking is incredibly tempting.
I've learned how to handle the drinking cravings that only strike once in a blue moon nowadays and I play out that tape and then do the whole ONE IS TOO MANY AND A THOUSAND IS NOT ENOUGH deal and I'm over it.
The smoking is harder. I never smoked until I quit drinking so it was my entire coping mechanism in social situations. You take the drinking away, my first defense, and replace it with smoking, my second defense. For someone as socially awkward as I am it was my escape, my two minutes by myself and breathing the sickly corrosive chemicals that were so so sweet and soothing. I understand it's the opposite, but for the sake of me being a smoker, please don't lecture me. As I analyze it even more, I realize it was a deterrent, a way to push people away even, which for me was another benefit. "I have to go smoke" was the perfect way to get away from anything uncomfortable and it worked for years.
It strikes at odd times and hard. It is so strong that I feel compelled to feel my pocket and my purse to see that I don't have a smoke in there. I look around and case the room to see who's a smoker - YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL A SMOKER - and quickly wonder how I can ask to bum one. But now I've gotten to that place where I can do the same damn thing with smoking that I do with drinking.
"What is the need? What will it fill? With this one smoke you will then want 10 more after that." I still carry around my electronic ciggy with me everywhere just so I can feel it in my hands like a safety blanket. It doesn't have any juice in it, but it somehow makes me feel better for that moment. And you know what? I will do whatever it takes to not be smoking.
Though not as deadly and consequential as drinking for me, I KNOW SMOKING KILLS, but drinking will kill me more quickly - smoking is still going to kill me. And I have done everything in my power to give this baby a fighting chance. Baby aside, this is about me doing what I need to do to be healthy and in turn be healthy for this baby.
But dammit if I didn't want a smoke so badly the other night I almost instinctively picked up a butt in an ashtray that was still smoking. This addiction shit is in my blood. And because I know and accept that, I can fight it. And I intend to, one craving at a time. And I know you can too. I KNOW YOU CAN. I believe in you.
Today I am a smoker who is not smoking. And that is something I didn't think I would ever be able to say. Never say never is the lesson I've learned this year ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE. And it is so very good to prove myself wrong.