Monday, November 7, 2011

Fat Coats and Bra Drawers

I have a ton of clothes.  I have way more than is needed by a normal human being.  I tend to use the "if you haven't worn it in a year, get rid of it" rule.  But when you are a fat girl who's lost a bunch of weight (several times) this gets tricky. 

And can we talk about bra drawers please? I'm not speaking about some weird hybrid of bras and pants now, that would really send me over the edge. What would that even look like? Let's google it and see......



This is the best the google gave me.  Which is simply a bra and drawers.  

Maybe there is an untapped market for Bra Drawers
(COPYWRITTED AND TRADEMAKEY by IWADB)

I want a hybrid.  Now I'm obsessed.  Fuck.  See what happens in my brain?

How about this?


Well damn, that just looks like a jumpsuit. And I know my drawing is incredibly lifelike (I didn't even go to art school!) but I don't know how to draw pants as I always just draw prairie dresses apparently.
 Can we get back to my original point here?  Geesh.  I have a ton of clothes.  The worst offenders are bras and coats right now.  I have 800 coats and 900 bras.  In all different shapes and sizes and I'm terrified to let any of them go.  My bra drawer, which looks like this:



 
is comprised of everything from tiny bras to super fat nursing bras. 
Yeah, let that sink in.  I don't have kids, yo.

When you lose weight what is the first thing to go?  Yeah.  So, I have yo-yoed between bra sizes for 20 years.  It's crazy town. 

And the fat coats are another whole thing because coats are a passion of mine.  I love Chicago winters and love coats.  I take great care in picking out the right coat for the right occassion and therefore have a ton.  Some are retro thrift store finds and some are heavy duty puffy cold as tits Chicago winter coats. And I'm scared to give any of them away.  But we live in a little place with not a lot of room. 

AND, what if I get fat again?  Hopefully I get pregnant fat and then what?  But I am trying my best to say I won't get fat fat again.  But who ever thinks they will, right?

You see my dilemma. 

There should be an island of misfit coats and bras where they can all just hang out and be sad and dejected but we reserve the right to call them back into service if the case arises.  I want to use it as motivation to NOT get fat again to give away all my fat shit.  But, what about the BABY?  GOD.

For now, I will do the easy fix and throw it all in the dungeon storage in the basement and when I dream I will dream of Fat Coats and Bra Drawers having a sort of sad party in which they recall days of fat boobs and asses wearing them to their owners horror. 

Sometimes very late at night, I will hear the nursing bra letting out a gentle cry,
"why oh why lady, why did you use me as a fat bra? Oh the horror.  You wouldn't know what to do with a nursing bra if it bit you on the tit."

And then I respond back in my dream, "quiet you fatty nursing bra, I'm thinner now and I don't need your squishy fatty bra comfort any longer."  And then I go put on my reasonably sized bra without super industrial cross your heart straps and feel happy with what I've accomplished.  And also, continue to wish I could really be wearing a nursing bra some day soon.

 

17 comments:

  1. I'm an anomaly. I own 2 bras! I don't need a drawer. I use the door knob ...sometimes the back of a chair. The 2 bras I have are of course, nursing bras, which I do indeed hope you have a real reason to wear someday soon :-)

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  2. I should take a picture of my fat coat. I will never ,ever get rid of it,I don't care how much i look like a bag lady wearing it. There's room for at least 3 other people in it!

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  3. Yes I agree..love your story and good luck with the baby!!

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  4. so many bras, so many sizes, can't part with a single misshapen one of them.

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  5. hahaha....being once a big ole fatty myself, and now going through my clothes because I have a hefty friend who needs them, this is pretty fucking funny! I've not been fat for five years now! It's time for my big ass clothes to have a party at someone else's house. But I too hang on to them thinking maybe just one day I might need them, I remember the horror of trying to up my wardrobe when I lost my weight. And the tits??? OMG! lmao....I haven't owned a bra that fits yet. They are the most fickle things on my body and I've pretty much given up on my hound dogs...erm boobies.

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  6. For the love of god, PLEASE get rid of some those damn coats.

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  7. I wish I had that problem. I have only 2 bras that fit me and one extra for when those are dirty. As for coats, as have about the same.
    Not sure why I don't have more of both. *shrug*

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  8. Bra-drawers. LOL! When you get preggo, you'll go through ALL those bras, so best to keep them but turf 400 of the fat coats because baby's stuff is gonna take over your house!! BTW nursing bras can be kinda kinky: http://www.nakedmommydiaries.com/2011/10/photo-friday-peekaboo.html

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  9. Ok, lady I finally got my email for the bra drawer blog...Shyne Mama is aka Facebook's Amy Blythe.

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  10. Girl, I thought you were going to write about bras with secret little pockets in them. Bras are so stressful for me because I am built like a 12 year old. I got major bra envy when looking at your pic.

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  11. God I love this post. Love it, love it, love it, and hope you'll be using one of those nursing bras "right" in no time. (>^^)>

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  12. dead puppies in the oven.November 12, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    I've never worn a bra. I realized in 10th grade that they weren't getting any bigger, and hell, it was 1969, and nobody was wearing one. Now, to 2007, and they killed my thyroid, and I went from 135 lbs. to 180 in a matter of months. And it's not the bra drawer, it's my underwear drawers. Size 6,7,8, and 9, and I really think I'm heading quickly toward a 10. And here's my question, how the hell can one wear a size 22 garment, and still be in size 9 underpants? I never thought about that when I was skinny, which I was my entire life. And you know how they say a fat person who loses weight still feels fat, well, I still feel like a skinny person, but one who's laying on something lumpy. And now, back to the bra. I want one now, and I don't know how to buy one. I tried a sports bra, bought a size 40, and while I could squeeze into it, it really was too small, which takes us right back to weird sizing. If the underpants people are trying to make me feel skinny, then the bra people are just cruel. Well, I guess that's it, but one last thing. Keep looking in those dumpsters, you just never know. God Bless.

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  13. ^Dead puppies in an oven...lol. I love puppies. Have two right now but I'm a sick bitch and that is just funny. Man, so I totally understand! I once weighed 400lbs. I have lost 170lbs and have kept it off for three years thus far. However, I have to say, I keep totes of FAT clothes in my garage. My husband BEGS me to give them away but I can't. WE are also doing fertility and I think...but I could just use them as maternity. I won't wear a 5 year old 4x sweater no matter how pregnant I get. I think we ALL know that...but I SAY it. Oh and DEAR LAWD the BRAS--Fuck me sideways. I find like 3 styles I like and stick with them. Now, when I lost my weight I lost NO BOOBS. Yep, I'm a physical improbability. And my back fat SWELLS...I swear it does. So, I currently own 42DD, 42DDD, 44DDD, 46DDD bras. I also have extenders. Some days the 42DD with an extender is great. Other days I have to have the 44DDD. The problem is that because I wear the same style...they all look the fucking same. I'll run around the house looking for the one of the 44DDD in black. It ruins my day if its dirty or I can't find it. My husband hates my bras.

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  14. LMAO! I have a bra drawer, but not because I yo-yo with sizes. I have a drawer full of all the bras that I USE to wear. See I use to be a DD and I wasn't grateful for it, I hated how big my boobs were! Even after the first baby I only went up to a DDD and then back down to a DD after I finished nursing.

    Then came baby #2... I went up to a DDD during the pregnancy and then 48 hours after I delivered, I wend from that DDD to J... Yes a J... When I quit nursing I went back down to an G... Then with baby #3 I went right back up to a J (I'm pushing a K but my bras are shmucking expensive and I can't afford a new one right now)

    So anyhow, I have a drawer full of DD and DDD bras because I had good taste in bras and mine were so pretty! Never mind that I will never fit into them with out surgery, they don't make pretty/sexy bras in my size! I hold on to them in hopes that someday, my boobs will shrink back down to the point that they fit me again... In fact I have two drawers full of shirts for the same reason...

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  15. I buy two bras each year 1 black 1 tan. I alternate them until they wear out. I also have 2 sports bras that I trade out as well. I can't seem to keep bras or coats ( as of now I have none, but I live in Florida). I have a "closet" in my garage that I stare at enviously while I am doing the laundry that is stuffed with all of my skinny clothes. Like a lady before me said I am a fat girl who still feels skinny. I had surgery 3 years ago and gained 80lbs overnight it seemed and no doctor yet has been able to figure out why I can't lose weight. So I keep my shrine although my size keeps going up, praying that someday I will miraculously shrink back to normal. It's funny because my teenagers think it's a '70's closet for Halloween...if they only knew!!

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  16. love your story and good luck with the baby!

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