Thursday, November 29, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 60

This is going to come off as bitter or sweet, hopefully bittersweet.  I LOVE going to work every day.  Even on days where I say, "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED TODAY" I still love that I get to get up and get dressed and get on the train and go downtown to the office every day. 



So, it's begun to hit me that I have a big life change coming on.  Yes, I know, I am a bit slow, but I will be be having babies soon, very soon, and it will mean I will be home for about 5 months with them because apparently babies need their mother for certain things. WHO KNEW?  Pfffft.

We women are incredible.  We can bring home the facon, fry it up in the pan (well, if I cooked that would be true).  I have is an incredible husband who does so much stuff to be helpful and supportive and just always has, like, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all that stuff.  I'm quite spoiled with him as I never had to ask, he just does all this.

Now, yesterday was my first official WORK FROM HOME day.  It's been coming as Boss has said, "cut down your hours and work from home when you can."  I am open to it and I feel like I've got the set up, new office chair and fax/copier/scanner all ready to go.  Sally Boy and Eliza Jane are both not at all helpful, but they are furry and cute and distracting.  So, I will be working at home here and there for the next few weeks.

But the thing is, I was incredibly sad yesterday.  Lethargic even.  I know this is coming and if one g-d person says I'm ungrateful for these babies coming, so help me......I keep saying my biggest fear in having babies is other moms.  So please, if you want to give me shit about expressing this sadness right now when the best thing in the world is really happening with these babies, share your judgement someplace else.  This is a judgement free zone. 

We women are so many things to so many people, including ourselves.  I LOVE my work identity and that I am good at what I do and appreciated.  I had 4 people tell me it was so quiet and boring at work yesterday without me.  That MADE MY DAY.  I celebrate that I am wanted and needed here. 

That takes nothing away from how uber excited I am to devote my entire life to these babies for the next several months.  I mean, the rest of my life will be devoted to them, but I will have many other parts of my life as well. 
  1. My AA part where I am vital and needed and I SO DESPERATELY NEED AA and all that goes with it.
  2. My work part as I will of course, keep working - both because I love my work and because we absolutely have to have the money and insurance. 
  3. MY WRITING LIFE!  (yes, I'm slowly realizing that I am, in fact,  a writer) and after I quit doing the acting thing, it's been a definite creative and healthy outlet for me, I will NOT be giving that up. And the people I've met through writing this blog have truly changed my life for the better.  Have no fear, I shall be writing for my sanity and for yours. 
  4. My healthy lifestyle that I worked so hard to get going before getting pregnant.  And while I've been pregnant it's been a big part of why I look and feel so good.  I aspire to keep that shit up!  
It's so important that we keep ourselves fully rounded. We are women, gotdammit.  We are way more than just our children.  I say that with all the love in my heart for my babies, but similarly to us needing to be COMPLETELY WHOLE without a partner, we need to be completely whole on our own so that we can give so much to the people and tasks we love.  I say all the time to women I sponsor in AA, we need to be GOOD, WHOLE, COMPLETE without a partner.  Only then, can we fully give of ourselves to another.  And that takes work.  I've been that girl/woman who needed complete validation from a boy/man and it is no good. NO GOOD I TELL YA!  I choose to believe the same philosophy is true with having children.  I wrote about this here before - my babies will never have to see me drunk, if I do the work.

So, you will forgive me when I say that I am beginning to mourn my lifestyle without children.  And it is OK.  When I quit drinking I mourned that lover.  When I quit smoking I mourned that lover.  I am STILL really mourning that lover.  Every damn day.  And just like a relationship, major life changes require adjustment periods and loss and gain and everything in between.  And it is HEALTHY TO ADMIT THIS SHIT. 

My life is going to change.  But it certainly is for the better.  That is the THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.  I can be grateful that I have learned to practice the healthy mourning of change in my life.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It is something to celebrate and acknowledge and share with each other.  No shame.  Only love and appreciation of the moment.  In a healthy supportive way.  We women need each other.  This is no time for judgement.  Just love and acceptance of who we are and what we are feeling.  I'm so in, are you?

40 comments:

  1. OF COURSE IT IS SAD....and hard to let go. I completely and wholeheartedly understand every single word. I love you so damn much.

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  2. You are a breath of fresh air to read. I was drawn to your blog by DDW and love every post and blog you write. Keep up the enthusiasm, freshness, and life; Its thrilling!

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  3. Honey, your self-awareness is nothing short of magnificent. You are going into this whole motherhood thing with your eyes so much more wide open than most of us do, and you are going to rock the hell out of it. You'll adjust and you'll find that balance again, I promise. Love you.

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    1. Amen, sister. I couldn't have said it any better. :)

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  4. Hey girl, love your blog and energy! I, too prayed for a dumpster baby for a long time (and would still gladly embrace it!) after several losses and the reality of difficult pregnancies. But I am here now with two beautiful daughters (3yo and 11 weeks) and unbelievably grateful. Life changes in ways that you really can't anticipate out understand until you are in it. Don't be hard on yourself or even think about anyone else's expectations. They don't matter. All that matters is that you are happy and healthy and love them. All the rest will fall into place. Enjoy every day, being pregnant is amazing. :) so are the kids that follow! Much love to you!

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  5. Your ability to recognize all this and accept it now is amazing. Yes, your life will be turned upside down in just a few weeks, but in a way that you could have never imagined without it actually happening. You already know I adore you and that I love this post so freaking much.

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  6. It will be hard to make such a huge change, but I hope you are so preoccupied in baby bliss that the time passes easily, without much thought. omg I'm SO excited for you.

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  7. I hear ya,sister. I was pregnant at the same time as 4 women I knew and constantly got the, "Oh, my God! What a horrible mother!" look from the other chicks when I talked about dreading not working and how I couldn't wait to go back to work. We need lives outside of being a mom and a wife. I cannot tell you how happy I was my first day back at work after The Baby was born. <3

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  8. You really have it down! The program brings so many changes in our lifeand the process of life. You, I love you for uplifting me when I need it or just having the same perspectives. Love you lots! Rhonda. Sandness

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  9. fabulous as always!!! Glitter cannons everywhere! *pew* *Pew* *pEW*

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  10. You hit the nail right on the head again my dear. I didn't want to give up my work identity. "Working mom" wasn't what I wanted to be known as. I wanted to be known as the kick ass Controller (my official title) that also had kids. I'm fortunate to work for family, so the first 8 months my oldest was alive, she went to work with me. I think that was harder on me than if I had put her in daycare. She'd be in the playpen next to my desk and I felt like I had to kind of ignore her (unless she was hungry, wet, etc) in order to still be a good employee. I'm glad she was too little to remember this. In fairness to myself (what? no ass-kicking of my self? wth?), postpartum depression kicked my ass so EVERYTHING was out of whack.

    I've learned that everything is an adjustment, and you're right, healthy mourning is ok. Luckily, infants have really shitty short & long-term memories in the beginning, so when you screw up, they won't remember it. My screw-ups dwindled as their memory functions increased. ;-)

    You got this!

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  11. I feel like a broken record when I tell you how much I love and admire you all of the time, but it's the truth. You are so amazing, my dear friend, and I am so thankful every day that you are sharing this special time in your life with all of us.

    You got this. You.got.this.

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  12. Inspiring. Good shit. I love your blogs, posts, and pictures.

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  13. Ok so I love this it made me tear up ... Love ya .. and I so think you should rename your self to . I have 2 dumpster babies spaz dancing inside me .. lol just until you have them lol

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  14. I so admire that you have the ability to recognize this and mourn. You are right...life w a baby or babies just takes off annd happens right before your eyes. There will be days you will long for it and other days you won't even remember or imagine life before them. I'm very excited for you. Thanks for sharing w us everyday! You are so inspiring !

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  15. I so admire that you have the ability to recognize this and mourn. You are right...life w a baby or babies just takes off annd happens right before your eyes. There will be days you will long for it and other days you won't even remember or imagine life before them. I'm very excited for you. Thanks for sharing w us everyday! You are so inspiring !

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  16. I'm IN, I'm IN, I'm in. NO judgment. Love u. Cyn

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  17. Love it!! Wish you the best delivery and prompt adjusting....you will read back at this post and wonder from time to time, but life will place you Exactly WHERE you need to be, WHEN you need to be.
    Love your writing style by the way, raw, honest & real :)

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  18. The love, celebration, and non-judgment must go all ways. I am in awe of moms who can work, be a wife, and a mom. I fall at the feet of single mothers, and marvel at their strength and bravery. I find, however, that I am at the receiving end of the judgment more often than not, because I am simply a SAHM and wife. I, honest to God, want nothing more. When I did work, I, too, was kick ass at what I did, and I loved every minute of my years spent in that office. However, not for one second, have I wanted that since the birth of my youngest son. I want to be his mommy, nurse, partner in crime, driver, personal chef, reader, housekeeper, seamstress and everything else. Other mothers have judged me because of that. I have heard everything from "Do you realize how you are demeaning all women by saying it is your dream to be the perfect housewife and mom?" to "You will do irreversible damage to your children by refusing to cut the cord." I know that is not how you are wired, but there are women like that out there, and I would just like to point out that we ALL need support, and understanding, regardless of our personal choice for our lives and our family.

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    1. I'm with you Jamie! Everybody is wired differently - that is what makes us individuals.

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    2. Jamie, you are so right! I admire women who can work and be a wife and mom. I did the working mom thing and felt like my life was falling apart. My kids are both in school now and I work from home, which works for me because I can volunteer in the classroom, go on field trips, and don't have to worry about using up all my sick days when my kids need to stay home.

      We are all different and have different needs and support not judgment is what we all deserve.

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    3. this had NOTHING to do with SAHM vs. Working outside the home mom. I have huge love for all. I was simply staing what I'm feeling right now. Nothing more, nothing less.

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    4. I am truly sorry if I upset you, Katy, that was honestly not at all what I intended. I think the blog is great, and I can very much appreciate the positive, truthful, and healthy thoughts that you have for going forward. I was only speaking to the parts in which you addressed supporting one another, and having love and respect for everyone, and the decisions that they make. I only intended to add my perspective from the other side. My statement was not meant to be an argument for SAHM vs. Working Moms, instead, a statement encouraging support for ALL moms, and their choices.

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    5. no, Jamie! no, I loved what you wrote! sorry if it came off otherwise. I just wanted to be clear in saying that I in no way am anything other than amazed at what all of us do every day. Thank you, I love you and am absolutely in agreement with what you said.

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    6. Oh, Sweet Lawrdy, thank you. I thought that I had upset the most joyful, uplifting person on the face of the earth without even trying! I do so love you, and enjoy all of your positive writing. Best of luck getting through these next few weeks.

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  19. Love this post. Appreciate your honesty every step of your pregnancy. Soon you won't remember what it's like NOT to have children. You'll say, what the heck did I do with my time before I had kids? I can't wait to hear when precious Hall and Oates are born! Deb

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  20. I think I love you. I wish that you had been around when my kids were younger so that you could have smacked me on my head and told me that it's okay to have my own life, too. Best of luck to you. You are going to be a fantastic mom.

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  21. Awesome post. Love it! I think EVERY mom is judged in life. I say whatever YOU feel is right for you and your family and works for you. I was judged because I was soooo not a SAHM, I loved my work and felt I was a terrible person because all I heard when my son was born was how dare you want to leave your baby with a stranger while you work. I appreciated my child so much more because I worked, my friends appreciate and love staying home and being SAHM’s. I needed the money and Insurance as well and well the sanity :) Some women are SAHM’s and some women are working moms it ALL works when we support each other. To each their own. You rock and will continue to rock when those awesome babies are here.

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  22. You are so correct when you write that women need their own lives, outside of being wives and mothers. I was very fortunate to be able to stay at home with my children (because I wanted to be there) when they were young and then slowly transition back to work as they grew older. Now that they're both in college out-of-state, I can't imagine what I would do if I hadn't gone back to college/explored a new career a little at a time. It's so important for all of you new mothers to realize that the tiny baby (or babies!) we hold and rock today will have their own lives away from you very, very soon - if you're wise, you will keep that in mind. Your goal is to raise an independent, productive adult who will someday leave, right?

    For me, the time with my babies ticked by at the speed of light...except for those first few months of babyhodd, when I didn't know whether I was asleep or awake most of the time!

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  23. Interesting post that's receiving every kind of reaction-as usual!! Snark>> But I know that the time will come when you will need to vent and scream 'I can't do this!!How do you do this???' And so do you! You are walking in with eyes wide open, arms opened even wider, and you have such great insights from years of working the program that you know you are going to miss work, you know you are going to miss lots of things! But just because we miss and mourn parts of our lives that have changed doesn't mean we don't know that we are receiving so much more than we are losing!! And the greatest thing is that when those times come, just like the times when you will be gushing and slobbering over Hall & Oates till we go into diabetic shock, we will always be there for you!! To say and do whatever you may need. Seriously. We will.

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  24. You can do it, kid. You are spot on. Things will change. Drastically. As women, we are suprisingly good at adapting though. Once you hold your babies in your arms, you will find that your priorities shift and everything kind of works itself out. <3

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  25. Everything you're feeling is so normal before you have your first baby(ies). It's a big change, and change can be scary but also exciting and wonderful! I have no doubt that you will grab on to all that is exciting and wonderful about it because you have that attitude of gratitude which is so important in achieving a happy, fulfilling life. And you are spot-on when you talk about women needing to love themselves independently, need to feel their own independent worth, in order to best love and help others. I love this post Katie :)

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  26. I'm in, always remember who you are. Your babies will always need you in their lives. As they grow the way they need you changes. You will grow and change as well. Bringing a new life into the world is a major event but I know you will be great. hugs

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  27. Gotta be true to yourself. You will teach your children that lesson and it's invaluable. Changes come all through out life and faster with children. You will be amazed that the child will fulfill a part of you that you didn't even know existed. Blessing to you and yours you will make it just fine :O)

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  28. It is healthy to acknowledge and admit that shit. Good for you for being able to recognize it and deal with it. Good job lady!

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  29. I am wicked effin slow sometimes.. Like, in the head.. I JUST now realized I can read you Without being on the facebooks. Very happy about that. I missed you! Cheerseses!!!

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  30. Thanks for putting so eloquently a feeling I have been processing lately, but couldn't figure out how to name: "the healthy mourning of change". I am so going to steal that.

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