Things I Love Thursday - Part 64

There really is so much I love this Thursday and every Thursday that it's hard to narrow it down to one thing.  But 64 times now, I have.  And I feel like I can keep this going forever.  Let's hope so!

Today it's kind of random thoughts on this here blog and funny shit about babies.  Cuz, you know, that is where I am right now in my life, and this blog is all about what's in my head and heart right at this moment.
  
I understand that reading my posts and my blog may be difficult for those who are struggling with trying to have or adopt a child.  I am constantly aware of how this feels because I was there too.  I want you to know that I never take any of this for granted and I know every second how very lucky we are. I do my own version of praying and sending love and light and hope and gratitude out to the universe for me and for you many many times a day.  I hope with all my heart you find happiness and gratitude for where you are in life and for what you have.  I get the most notes from people about sobriety and the struggle to get it and keep it, or for trying to create or add to your family.  For those notes, I am so grateful, and I believe in you.  

SOBRIETY and my journey to create a family are the two things I blog and talk about the most.  It's what this blog is about and I am so grateful you take the time to share and read it.

This is the status I posted yesterday on the Facebook Page -

"Good morning lovely capable dependable and full of hope Divers! Did we all make it through yesterday? We did! Today is another day to do better and be better. And to learn way more about being a good mama. Sobriety and motherhood are what I was meant to practice. And they go hand in hand. This is the best gig ever. Have a great day, everybody! *blowing you kisses*"

This is so true and if you regularly read my blog you know I am so grateful to be sober and ONLY BECAUSE I AM SOBER do I get to be a mama and do I get to be gifted with these babies. And the fact that all of you share in this journey with me just makes it so much more fun and also makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger and more profound than just sitting in our apartment every day with these two little ones and KEEPING THEM ALIVE.  Oh my gods, HOW AM I KEEPING THEM ALIVE?  

But more than that is the idea that every day, I WILL FAIL.  I will fail at life, as I always have, as you always have, but the difference is today we can learn from it and hopefully not keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and over and expecting different results.  This is becoming especially clear right now as I messily and sometimes desperately flail around trying to be a good mama to these two little squishy beings that are entirely in my dear sweet dumpster husband's and my care.  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FEED TWO BABIES THAT ARE 17 DAYS OLD AT THE SAME TIME?  Holy shite, will that humble your cocky arse but quick. 

And man, DO I EVER FLAIL (think Kermit arms flailing about and that's kinda how I look several times a day right now). 

Here are my immediate gripes:

1. These babies STILL cannot make a decent cup of coffee.
2. They are so damn cute.  I mean really, tone it down a bit.
3. They don't know how to give me a proper manicure, and gods forbid, if I paint my nails myself, they inevitably cry and I mess up my nails trying to calm them down.
4. They smell really really delicious.
5. THEY ARE HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME.
6. I AM HUNGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME. 
7. They exhibit shoddy workmanship when I force them to put together all the furniture we keep getting from IKEA.  Lazy, really.
8. Bewbies.
9. They are only 6 to 7 pounds and sometimes they absolutely terrify us way more than a huge hulking menacing terrifying awful bad bad man.
10. They can't seem to focus on things I want them to really focus on.  Like noticing and commenting on how cute I look today.  I mean, I wore this dress for you, babies.
11. OH MY GODS MY BEWBIES ARE SO FULL OF WHITE STUFF.
12. These babies are pretty poopy.  You understand.  POOPY ALL THE TIME!
13. I get to practice baby juggling with two babies and feeding both at once.  This terrifies and excites me all at once.  It's like the ultimate test of determination and hope at the same time. 
14. DID I MENTION MY BEWBIES?
15. They really are a great way to lose weight.  I've lost almost 40 pounds now of the 55 I gained while pregnant.  Now if I can just get this c-section business to heal I can get back to spinning!  WOOT WOOT!  Stupid c-section.  

I'll close with this.  The Thing I really Love this Thursday is this - I love that we can joke about babies and bewbies and also sobriety - the serious yet very funny with perspective - stuff in life.  It's really the only way we can get through all this stuff every day without crawling in the corner and going fetal like a - you guessed it - LIKE A BABY.  Laughter is good.  Not taking things so seriously is good.  When I drank it was serious.  I drank to escape the seriousness of life and my desperate unhappiness and hopelessness.  There is no need for that today.  Today we celebrate the funny and the awesome.  For that, I am so grateful.  That, and, babies are pretty squishy and I love that too.  Flailing and squishy go quite well together.  

Gratuitous Hall & Oates and Sally Boy shot.

  

There's Something Happening Here

There is something happening here.  What it is ain't exactly clear.

OK OK it is clear.  Exactly clear.  And it isn't war.  It's love.  It's hippy dippy trippy love for babies that a few years ago I didn't even know I wanted or needed.  It's fierce and it's growing every single minute.  I know I'm not the first woman to ever experience this kind of love. Not only for babies but for my husband and my family and friends who are so very helpful and generous. 

It's this unexplainable overwhelming urge to catch my heart as it beats out of my chest when she locks eyes and smiles at me.  Or when he reaches out his hands and grabs my chest with the force of a tidal wave but with tiny little hands that need me for everything right now.

What did I do to be given this gift of life?  Of lives?  Not just for babies, but for me.  I'm a second chancer and because I am sober and stay sober I get these gifts.  I don't deserve them.  Why do I get all this and so many don't?  My heart breaks when I hear the stories of heartache that people go through and it ups my gratitude 8 million times over.  I want to give everyone this gift of hope and love and light.  I am asking myself all the time why I am living this life that is so beyond my wildest dreams I can't quite reconcile it.  And yet, I am grabbing on with both hands and holding on so tight so that I don't fuck it up. 

If life were fair, I would be dead.  But I'm not.  And I'm doing my best to make sure this life is full.  FULL OF LIFE AND LOVE AND AS MUCH HAPPINESS AS WE CAN STAND.  Mixed in with heartache and disappointment and failure that makes the highs so much more sweet. 

I screw things up.  It's what I've done in the past.  It's what makes me a second chancer.  It's what makes a lot of us second chancers.  We were given an opportunity to do things over, better, smarter, with more hope and gusto than we ever thought we could muster.  And I believe in us.  I believe that we can do this without losing everything. Again.  I did that once.  And I'm hoping it was enough.  I'm hoping if I practice gratitude as much as I can, I don't have to lose everything again. 

Sure, I will fail and make mistakes.  I didn't know I wanted this life until I let go and fell completely for the man who is my heart.  And now he and I get to share two teeny tiny hearts that are just starting out.  I get a chance to do better and be better every day with these little lives.  They make me better. 

Just like sobriety makes me better.  You see a theme here?  I stay sober and I get the chances.  I get the opportunities I never thought I would have.  I stay open to learning and loving and failure, and I get the life beyond my wildest dreams. 

This is not a new message.  This is not something profound that I am experiencing that no one has ever experienced before.  What is new is that it's happening to me.  And it can happen for you. Maybe not in exactly the same way and you may not want any of this, but you are worthy of second chances.  I'm full of hope today.  And really, isn't it a great day to be alive?

 

HOW IS THERE SO MUCH MILK IN THERE?

Well we did it.  The delivery was way harder than we were thinking it would be (BIG SHOCK, HUGE) as I wasn't dilated at all and they had to put a FREAKING BALLOON MY HOOHA and 6 hours later I was kinda dilated.  So we pushed.  For THREE HOURS we pushed.  And THEN the doctor said, this isn't happening and we are at risk here, so we need to do a C-section.  We were bummed.  And then I was so drugged up I was kind of hysterical and having a panic attack but then we heard the cry.  The first cry from the boy came out (at 6.2 pounds) and then right afterwards the girl (at 5.3 pounds).  And while I don't remember much from those first few hours -  frankly I had the shakes that so vividly recalled detoxing and delirium tremens which TERRIFIED ME more than anything else -  it was simultaneously the worst day and the best day of my life. 

The babies were born.  And now we are all home after 4 days in the hospital.  I am still in pain, but I am healing well and my dear sweet dumpster husband has been so much more than incredible I cannot put into words what the last week has truly been like.

You know, I was the first woman to ever be pregnant and now I am the first woman to ever have a birth story and to fall in love with her babies.  I know, I know.  I'm very unique in that all these feelings are happening.  I'm laughing and crying a lot.  There are so many emotions.  But you know what?  I am FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  And they aren't all pretty or rational - that's why they are FEELINGS - because feelings are not fact, but I'm so grateful to feel them ALL.  Most of them are chock full o'love and gratitude.  Some are overwhelming and scary.  But that's the way this all goes.

My scar hurts and bewbies are so sore, but what an amazing experience.  These babies are letting us sleep quite a bit and actually they are into a routine already that is giving us ample time to just enjoy them and still get some other stuff done.  Mostly though, we are just loving this time with them. 

Here are some random thoughts that need to be shared -

• HOW IS THERE SO MUCH MILK IN THERE?   You know what I'm talking about.
• I have lost 30 pounds out of 55 that I gained.  In one week.  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?  Best diet ever.  Just get knocked up with twins and give birth.  KABLAMMO.
• My maternity clothes are all packed up and in storage ready to be passed onto the next lady I know who gets to be fashionable and pregnant.  Mostly I wore my regular clothes and we shall see how totally stretched out they got from MY HUGE BELLY.

I leave you with this gem from my dear sweet dumpster husband.  I think the 2nd or 3rd night in the hospital (the babies and husband stay with the mama all the time in my room) at 2am or something, he says, "Parents of single babies?  PUSSIES."  Man, we needed that laugh at that time.

Also, after all the nonsense of a day and half of ballooning and labor and c-sections, he says, "I've seen some things."  And indeed he had.  We both had.  But we are so grateful to be here and with these babies.  WE HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT.  And we are excited to see a whole lot more.

They're Here!

Hello Divers!!! So, this twins thing is a piece of cake so far. A piece of delicious life changing really difficult and full of wonder cake. All is well here. Just learning and loving every second of this. Xoxo

Things I Love Thursday - Part 63

Most of the conversations, well, a lot of the conversations in our place since I've been pregnant and well, long before that, have started out with me saying to my dear sweet dumpster husband, "your wife is an idiot."  Then he patiently waits while I tell him why I am an idiot.  Then he either laughs with me or tells me, "yeah, that's kind of an idiot thing to do or say", or he says, "it's OK, baby" and we move on from there to the next idiotic thing I do.

This morning it was the ongoing battle with the washing of the baby bottles for the first time and then the putting them back together and OH MY GODS WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MANY GOTDAMNED PIECES?

NONSENSE!

I should have never taken them apart to begin with.  That was my real downfall.  I shoulda just sprayed them with Lysol as I said I would do and then run away cackling like a hyena at the silliness. 

So of COURSE this morning after they were all washed and laid out to dry with care, it took me approximately 25 minutes to put them all back together again.  After much swearing and Sally Boy meowyelling at me asking what my freaking problem was, after I googled how to put them together because one set was missing all the lips, after putting new lips in my AMAZON CART but thankfully not hitting "purchase" yet, something in my teeny tiny brain clicked and I found the part I was missing tucked inside another part. 

So, a happy dance of epic proportion ensued and Sally Boy was kind of enjoying it, Eliza Jane Doolittle was looking on in disgust with how stoopid I am, and all was right with the world. 

BUT IT WASN'T.  Not until I picked up the phone to tell my dear sweet dumpster husband what an idiot his wife is.

And so I did what I do.  And lately, with my voice being on the total fritz, I sound like a seal or a terrible barking dog with serious pain going on and yet, he still answers almost every time I call him to tell him my next idiotic escapade. 

Now, I am a big bonnet head and do you think that the Ingalls would have ever put up with this nonsense? NO.  EMPHATICALLY NO.  They were lucky if they had any milk to drink from bewbies or otherwise, and they didn't supplement with Charles giving a bottle of milk or any of that sissy business like we do today.  So, I am going back to that time.  I'm slamming on my bonnet, it will be fabulous of course, but bonnet it shall be and I will rock the heels under my prairie garments and not worry about the settings on the dishwasher or the washer and dryer and all these new fangled baby options with special detergent and all that NONSENSE! 

OK, so you know I'm kidding, but only slightly.  There is a saying in the rooms of AA, "KISS"  KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.  For me, in every area of my life, it's imperative that I KEEP IT SIMPLE.  Including babies. 

I think the more nonsense we incorporate into our lives and into our baby's lives, the more difficult things get for all of us.  So, I vow to do my best to keep them safe and in one piece, but that's the most I'm going to promise right now.  My mom dropped me on my head, and I turned out JUST FINE. 

Ya know that bargain bleach at the store that is always on sale?  Yeah, well, that's their bathwater.  DISINFECT, BABY!  KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!

I've got a dresser full of clean tiny adorable ridiculous clothes, some for boys and some for girls and some for who the hell cares - baby David Bowie or someone -  but they are all these little "sacks" as DH calls them, and that's what these babies will be lucky to wear for a while.  SACK EM' UP!  But dammit they are so cute.  So so tiny and cute and sweet and smell so darn good.  And the onesies.  I cry every time I hold up the newborn white onesie that is smaller than my hand almost. 

So, as I sat again last night watching the first season of Homeland with my dear sweet dumpster husband and not ONE but BOTH of these kiddos had hiccups at the same damn time, I marveled at the fact that I can keep this simple, stupid, even though it's about the most profound thing I will ever do to grow two humans in my belly at one time. 

The Thing I Love This Thursday is that we CAN choose to reel it back in and K.I.S.S.  Really and truly, we can reel back in the crazy.  Even if we have to keep doing it over and over and over and over as I do and will have to do the rest of my life.  TOOLS to handle life on life's terms are something I never had until I started working a 12 step program.  And man oh man, are my husband and my babies the better for that whole thing. 

Sunday is eviction day, people.  Hall & Oates shall meet the world.  I will post here as soon as we are able and willing to put them out there.  I know they are excited to meet you.   Thanks so much for all the love and support!

Things I Love Thursday - Part 62

Random Thoughts from a Diner on a Snowy Day in Chicago

The Thing I Love this Thursday is BEING IN THE MOMENT.  Or rather, trying my damnedest to be in the moment. 

TEENY TINY COFFEE CUP CHEERS TO YOU!

I'm sitting in a greasy spoon diner and eating breakfast by myself, well, with you all really, but you get my drift. It's snowing here in Chicago - WHICH IS MY FAVORITE, and I am approximately 11 days away from being induced to have these two babies.  My belly hardly fits behind the table and my belly button is so protruding that it is intimate with every object and person we come anywhere near these days.

The servers all want to hear all about the babies and then feel badly as I don't have a voice to talk. But they smile and coo and are so excited for me. I told my husband as we were walking around downtown the other day that people like to smile at me. He saw it too and started saying, "oh, she just smiled at you!" And it's true. I am that pregnant lady that I would smile at before. I am her.

As I've tried so hard to be in the moment through this entire process, since getting sober really, but especially since we've gone through IVF and then being pregnant, I am in the moment today. Being in the moment is difficult. It is something that takes practice and perseverance. And no whining - or getting over the whining RIGHT QUICK. And I've done my share of whining the past couple weeks as I've been so sick. The babes are sucking all my healing out and that's OK, I just want to be able to do my best for them when we go into labor.

This is my one time to be pregnant. We have special circumstances that I don't talk about here out of privacy, but this is it. And as you well know, I am the first and only woman to ever BE pregnant, and I have really enjoyed the hell out of it. I've had such an easy pregnancy all things considered. Or maybe I'm just so grateful to be pregnant that I just have made the best of it this whole time, but this couple weeks of being sick has rocked me. I find myself whining and crying and feeling badly and thinking, this just sucks.

It doesn't suck. I'm still pregnant with super healthy Hall & Oates and they are not wanting to come out on their own, obviously, so we will induce at 38 weeks, which is roughly January 6, 2013.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

Here's looking at you kids. No make up or nothin'. Just braids and an owl hat.

So, I feel like shit with my ears and my throat and my head swimming with this nasty virus, but I'm saying this to you as much as to me, IT SHALL PASS. The person who has it the worst right now has got to be my dear sweet dumpster husband. Man, is he a champion. He's stepped up to EVERYTHING and is also my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I've been negative and he's been positive the past couple weeks, which is kind of a role reversal for us. But as usual, we balance each other out. When I'm down, he's up and vice versa.

I am so grateful for him and my life that it literally hurts my heart to think of how amazingly lucky I am. I'm sitting in this diner in this amazing city I live in with a laptop thinking, "AM I A WRITER? WHO'S LIFE IS THIS? AM I REALLY PREGNANT? OH MY GODS THEY ARE COMING IN A MATTER OF DAYS! WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM?"

See? Random thoughts. But when I really think about it, not so random at all. This is my life. This is our life. We created it. We made it by our choices and what was thrown at us. What did we do with that? How did we handle it? What did we choose about our circumstances? To accept and make the best of them or to complain and be a victim?

These are the moments. These are the thoughts. These are the times that define our lives and Ferris Bueller had it right, if we don't slow down and look around every once in a while, we miss it. So, I feel like shit. This is the only time that I will get to say, I am so super sick but it's OK, because I'm giving everything I have to my babies, who are healthy and we get to meet them so very soon.

I'm sure you're tired of my rambling, but this is where I am today. I have two women at our apartment deep cleaning it right now before babies and my little mama come to stay with us. This is such a luxury for me, it feels odd and entitled and yet, I am justifying it by saying, HEY I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY AND IF I WANT TO SPEND SOME OF IT THIS WAY IT IS ALL GOOD. I am huge. I am sick. I am overwhelmed. And I'm giving my husband and myself a gift. And that's OK.

I was just telling a friend this morning that FEAR IS OK. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT FEAR, I PROMISE YOU. Now, if I can 't take my own advice, I'm just full of hot air. And we all know I'm only full of babies and hope and love, no room for hot air.

I am in this moment of being terrified and being grateful and being sick and being excited. I am feeling ALL THE FEELINGS and man, does that ultimately feel good. I'm not tamping it down with booze or even smokes these days. I am feeling the shit out of this shit. And it is good. Even when it's not.  Know what I mean?

Calling ALL Big Babies! Big Babies, Party of One, Please Report Here!

GODS DAMMIT THIS SUCKS!

I've been sick since last Thursday, meaning, ears and throat mostly, like freaking GINZU KNIVES CUTTING CLEAN THROUGH RC CANS sick, and it will NOT GO AWAY.  Add all that onto being 35 weeks preggo with twins, and you've got yourself a BIG HUGE BABY.   Meaning, Moi. 

I can't really take much in the way of meds as SURPRISE!!!!  I'm pregnant.   So, it's suffer like a big giant hero suffers or cut my own head off. 

And believe me, the cutting my own head off is tempting.

I went to the ER yesterday as my nurse practitioner said to, in order to get some relief, probably antibiotics, as it hadn't gotten better for decades.  I mean, days.

As I sat in the waiting room with all the really sickly sick dying and decaying and pathetic sounds and smells of an ER (and that was all just coming from me), I thought, JESUS CHRIST SUCK IT UP IT CANNOT BE THAT BAD.

And yet every time I swallow, I start crying.  It is THAT BAD.  But still, no fever, no strep (they confirmed it) and no flu, or anything else tangible they can put their fingers on.

And the worst part for someone like me, who loves to hear the sound of her own Chicago accent is I LOST MY FREAKING VOICE TWO DAYS AGO.  So I can't talk.  Period. I had to whisper everything at the ER and they all looked at me like I was nuts, even more so when I said in my loudest whisper yell, "ISN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?"

And they sweetly smile and say, "no, you just have to wait this one out, you'll get better soon."

Well, let me tell you that screamwhispering "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS"  loses a bit of its menacing quality when screamed as a whisper. Not that I would know this.  Or anything like that, I just happened to dream about it while I was in the ER for four hours yesterday where the only real thing they did was a throat culture.  Misplaced anger anyone?

I even got all dramatic saying, "it's endangering my babies as I can't swallow and I've lost weight." and they said, "well, just make sure you hydrate and take your vitamins and drink Ensure and keep eating soft foods." (see disclaimer at the end please)

I then got really desperate and threw myself on the floor grabbing at scrub pant legs and doctor coats with wild abandon screaming, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE WORST PAIN THAT ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO ENDURE EVER!"  To which they all replied, "name and birth date please?"

And so it goes.  And I keep playing out this tape in my head, "Katy, listen you selfish immature big huge baby, there is REAL suffering going on in the world, GET OVER IT."  But then I swallow and the tears come and it's onward with the same cycle.  Plus, every time I try to sleep I cough so hard I think I see babies shooting across the room, and that is not helping.

Today, I am choosing to stop with the whining and choosing hope that this has GOT to get better.  I want to be at my absolute best when I go into labor.  Can I also just say that my Dear Sweet Dumpster Husband has been so  incredible I cannot even begin to tell you.  Cooking and cleaning and shopping and making sure I have what I need at all times?  HE IS THE SUPER HERO.



And I've been offline for the bulk of the last week, due to the I'M DYING party of one nonsense, which it turns out was a good thing.  So much sadness and heartache and devastation and then everybody putting their two cents in about the whole damn thing.  I don't have to put my opinion out there.  In a way, this sickness has helped me keep my big fucking mouth silent - really and truly - and that is a gift.  See?  We can turn anything into a bright side if we try hard enough.

I leave you with one of my favs, and one of yours too I'm sure.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It always does.  The good and the bad.   

DISCLAIMER before anybody gives me shit, the babies are absolutely fine.  They were checked and rechecked and we go back again tomorrow.  These babes are like royalty, I swear.  This post is for the FUNNY.  So please, if you are about to lecture me about shit, turn it inward, m'kay?  thanksverymuch.  And just the fact that I wanted to write is a good indicator that I'm feeling better, so, little jumpy "YAAAY" with tiny little sad pom poms.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 61

Dear Sweet Grandmama has written you a Schmolidays letter (please go here if you don't know who Grandmama is - it's important to know what the hell is going on, trust me.  Oh and of course, I have a disclaimer at the end.  THANKS!) 

Without further ado --- The Thing I Love this Thursday is GRANDMAMA. Yes, I love this old broad and her judgements and disapproval.  AHEM AHEM AHEM ---

Dear "Divers" (as this trampy tramp Katy likes to call you),

Well, It's been a banner disgraceful year here at the Dumpster Household.  The "lady" of the house spread her legs wide for the devil science and got herself DOUBLY knocked up.  Twins are an abomination!  In Vitro is an abomination!  Shameful really.  She has literally let HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS gaze into her Hooha to get a look at the goods and has absolutely no shame about it.  I heard at the hospital, they were laughing and joking during all this baby making nonsense and I am horrified!  There were so many women just traipsing through the hospital all TRYING DESPERATELY TO GET KNOCKED UP!  In my day, we never tried to get knocked up.  You had the demon sex and you didn't enjoy it and you got pregnant and YOU HID IT FROM THE WORLD AND FELT ASHAMED until you pushed out yet another screaming GIFT FROM GOD.

This trampy tramp Katy CELEBRATES her big round belly by wearing tight clothing and *shudders* defining "maternity skinny jeans" whatever that abomination is.  AND SHE DANCES.  Continually.  Just try to get her to stop shaking her rear. The only thing that could be worse is if she hadn't tricked and married that extremely tall, good looking gentleman she somehow landed despite being a giant hussy who does nothing but TRAMP AROUND in BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK and short dresses and those god awful high heels she favors and refuses to give up even though her belly sticks out two feet in front of her.  SHAMEFUL. 

Did I mention I can't believe that tall handsome gentleman even married her 3 years ago?  I mean obviously he's under some spell of the devil to even consider it and the fact that he stays with her, well, there's got to be some voodoo devil nonsense at work!  But I digress.  That lovely tall tall gentleman is really my special friend here along with the lovely Sally Boy Kitty and Eliza Jane Doolittle.  If only that trampy tramp Katy would get the hell out of our sainted home, we could all be much happier and holier. 

Speaking of Sally Boy, we have had many many tea parties and gossip sessions and beauty makeunders while trampy tramp is out in THE WORKFORCE - shameful.  SHAMEFUL.  She dresses and goes on the public train to a job where she EARNS MONEY and has insurance and asserts herself.  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? 

Anyway, I try and try with Sally Boy to get him to understand what a horrid example of a real woman that trampy tramp is, but every day, like clockwork he is at the door meowyelling acting all easy with affection for her when she walks in the door.  SHE LEAVES HER HOME FOR 11 HOURS A DAY!  She is not home cooking and cleaning and doing her womanly duty.  In fact, her lovely husband (that I could take care of a whole lot better than she does) does more of that type of thing than she does.  She is out EARNING *shudders* MONEY. 

LOOK AT THIS - both kitties on that trampy tramps HUGE belly.  They love her even though she is a hussy.  I try and try with these cats but they keep going back in!

This is my daily life.  I am locked in a jewelry box and forced to be muffled as to criticism when I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP HER NOT TO BE SO TERRIBLY TRAMPY!  But does she appreciate me?  NO.  No, she does not.  She tells me to zip it and locks me in even tighter.  I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Well, I will tell you, "Divers" that this next year it's all going to hell.  She is so excited for her two devil science babies to come but she is going to crumble, I tell you.  I will laugh and laugh when she cries and tells me how difficult it is and then, when those babies smile at me and think I'm pretty and shiny, I will somehow deflect them.  I don't want any sticky baby fingers on me.  These babies will be the tipping point in this house, I will tell you right now.  MARK MY WORDS. I will not soften on this.  Those babies are no good.  No good can come from devil science babies!  Unless somehow they are really wonderful and then, well all bets are off.  Who can resist a baby or even two?

Oh well, another year, another terrible development in the Dumpster Household.  How I ever ended up in this mess I'll never know.  My wish for all of you is that you stay away from the devil science, hold your tongues and keep your bosoms, thoughts and opinions HIDDEN.  Happy Christmas to all and if you don't like it, you don't love America! 

Regards,
Grandmama

DISCLAIMER - Katy is not responsible for the thoughts and opinions expressed here as Grandmama is a total loose cannon and really has no idea what she's on about. 

THERE'S NO TIME!



34 and a half weeks and OHMYGODS 34 and a half weeks! 
Don't worry - these pictures are almost done and you'll never have to see another one!
But until then, KABLAMMO.

You know what I always find disconcerting is that you know these women, family or friends or co-workers and one day they are enormously pregnant and you KNOW they are pregnant and going to have a baby or babies and yet, when one day they are huge and the next day they just HAVE A BABY and then they aren't that person that is pregnant any more. 

It's likely my teeny tiny brain that always has a hard time reconciling this, but it still seems so sudden. And this time, I AM THE WOMAN.  9 months seems like a long time in some ways and in other ways, like the blink of an eye and you JUST SAW THAT WOMAN AND SHE NOW IS A MAMA HOLDING BABIES AND OH MY GODS HER LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

As I've stated before, I am the first woman to ever be pregnant and feel these strange feelings, so bear with me.  It's revolutionary, I know.  HOLD ONTO YOUR BONNETS!

I am so ready to have these babies.  Also?  I AM NOT AT ALL READY TO HAVE THESE BABIES.  I'm paralyzed by how much we haven't done to get ready.  We don't have the nursery that people keep asking about (due to the tiny apartment we live in) but we do have ALL THE THINGS FOR BABIES, SO MANY THINGS.  We don't have a plan in place for a nanny and when I go back to work, 5 months after Hall & Oates arrive.  I keep breathing deep and thinking my little mama will be with us for the first few weeks and she knows what she's doing, thank gods.  We don't have it all planned out and I'm freaking out and yet, and yet, I don't do anything to remedy the situation.

My dear sweet dumpster husband and I keep looking at each other and saying to ourselves and to each other, "IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE IT WILL ALL BE FINE."  Which is absolutely true.  All we have to do is keep these babies alive and fed and changed and warm and nurtured and growing in a semi healthy way - both physically and mentally - and we'll all be fine.  Simple really.  *shakes head NOOOOO, not at all simple*

My Sponsor from day one kept saying two things to me, "more shall be revealed"  and "all is well".  And while I wanted to punch her in the throat for saying such nonsense, I now understand EXACTLY what she meant.  If I can keep saying these two things to myself in every area of my life, it makes it so much easier.  Try it.  Say it and then just breathe.  See?  I'm not just whistlin' dixie over here. 

There won't be too many more posts here with me enormously pregnant, and I know some of you are thankful for that.  Most of you though have been incredibly supportive and loving and fun to strap in with me and go on this ride.  And as far as the blog goes, "more shall be revealed".....see?  It's true.  It's evolving and it's still going to be sobriety first, babies second.  And everything else in between.  Life, you know?

The Tale of The Formerly Smart Girl who is Now the Stupidest Girl that Ever Lived

Once upon a time, there was a stupid stupid girl.  This girl had not always been so stupid.  However, this girl happened to be about 34 weeks pregnant with her twins who were literally sucking every resource out of her and leaving her with nothing to function on but her looks and her humor.   Both of which are quickly fading as well. 

Back to our girl.  She worked at home one day and was expecting an arrival of a very special maternity belt to keep her big huge belly bag full o' babies hiked up and her back from caving in completely.  IT ARRIVED!  The package arrived and the girl ran down the apartment building stairs so quickly in anticipation and bent down to pick up the package, and KABLAMMO the door slammed behind her.  

Trapped in her building's 5 by 5 vestibule IN HER PAJAMAS and day old make up and unbrushed teeth and basically looking homeless, and I know homeless, but also hugely pregnant and it was getting dark.  NO PHONE, NO KEYS, NO WATCH.  NOTHING. 

Here's the kicker.  The stupid girl's husband had just told her on the phone upstairs that he was leaving work early and that meant a 45 minute train ride and he would be home to save her!  So, she listened to many many train signals pass, thinking, he's got to be on this train.  He's got to! 

Nope.  Nothing.  And none of her neighbors came home either.  Even if she could get to a phone, stupid girl is so stupid that she has no phone numbers memorized.  They are all programmed into her cell phone, right?  RIGHT?  Who memorizes phone numbers any more?  She found out later that her husband could not leave work early and he wasn't expected home until the normal time.

So, she hunkered down on the cold floor and put her arms in her tshirt and rubbed her belly saying, "this is all going  to be fine, let's just meditate for a while."  And it must have worked because all of a sudden her charming neighbor and 1 year old son arrived home.  The stupid girl sobbed and sobbed and hugged her neighbor for way too long and made everybody really uncomfortable and then ran upstairs to find many many messages on her cell phone from people worried about her.

It turns out she had been trapped in that vestibule for about 4 HOURS.  Standing and sitting and pacing and swearing and crying and laughing and yelling to her cat that she could hear meowyelling upstairs.  Pretty much the encapsulating of her longago time in the loony bin.  Except our girl is not loony, she's just pregnant with twins. 

The girl was supposed to have a pre-natal massage that she missed and called that woman and cried apologetically. The girl's sister in law (who gifted the girl the massage) thought the girl had been in an accident. Nope, sorry. Just pregnant stupid.

The girl was so angry at herself, still kind of is, but the bright side is, she had 4 hours uninterrupted of thought without phones or electronics or anyone tugging at her sleeve.  THAT NEVER HAPPENS.  It turns out the girl must have gone into a meditative state where she didn't even realize how long she was down there, and the most amazing, miraculous thing happened!  SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO PEE FOR FOUR WHOLE HOURS!

She wasn't frantically keeping up with emails or phone calls for work, not checking Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest for the 85th time in an hour.  She was simply being.  Now, this girl has paid to go on retreats where this happens.  Turns out she didn't need to pay anybody to get the meditative time she craved, she simply had to use her powers of pregnant stupidity to get locked out for four hours wearing pajamas and then, just be. 

I don't have a picture of the awesomeness of the stupid girl that happened yesterday, but I do have this, which is today -  

PUT A BIRD ON IT.

She's all cleaned up with BELLY BAND ON ( no she won't show you a picture of that nonsense), heels and and head held high.  The Tale of The Formerly Smart Girl who is Now the Stupidest Girl that Ever Lived shall be told for generations to come as in, "you think you were stupid when you were pregnant, get a load a this broad!" And you know what? That is just fine with her.  She actually turned it into something positive and NOTHING can beat the feeling that she's giving all that she has to creating these two babes right now.  No matter how humiliating. 

If only we knew who this girl was in real life, we could really all point and laugh at her, right?  Just remember.  Please be kind to her if you see her.  She's fragile.  And she's usually kind to you. 

THE END. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 60

This is going to come off as bitter or sweet, hopefully bittersweet.  I LOVE going to work every day.  Even on days where I say, "I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED TODAY" I still love that I get to get up and get dressed and get on the train and go downtown to the office every day. 

So, it's begun to hit me that I have a big life change coming on.  Yes, I know, I am a bit slow, but I will be be having babies soon, very soon, and it will mean I will be home for about 5 months with them because apparently babies need their mother for certain things. WHO KNEW?  Pfffft.

We women are incredible.  We can bring home the facon, fry it up in the pan (well, if I cooked that would be true).  I have is an incredible husband who does so much stuff to be helpful and supportive and just always has, like, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all that stuff.  I'm quite spoiled with him as I never had to ask, he just does all this.

Now, yesterday was my first official WORK FROM HOME day.  It's been coming as Boss has said, "cut down your hours and work from home when you can."  I am open to it and I feel like I've got the set up, new office chair and fax/copier/scanner all ready to go.  Sally Boy and Eliza Jane are both not at all helpful, but they are furry and cute and distracting.  So, I will be working at home here and there for the next few weeks.

But the thing is, I was incredibly sad yesterday.  Lethargic even.  I know this is coming and if one g-d person says I'm ungrateful for these babies coming, so help me......I keep saying my biggest fear in having babies is other moms.  So please, if you want to give me shit about expressing this sadness right now when the best thing in the world is really happening with these babies, share your judgement someplace else.  This is a judgement free zone. 

We women are so many things to so many people, including ourselves.  I LOVE my work identity and that I am good at what I do and appreciated.  I had 4 people tell me it was so quiet and boring at work yesterday without me.  That MADE MY DAY.  I celebrate that I am wanted and needed here. 

That takes nothing away from how uber excited I am to devote my entire life to these babies for the next several months.  I mean, the rest of my life will be devoted to them, but I will have many other parts of my life as well. 

1. My AA part where I am vital and needed and I SO DESPERATELY NEED AA and all that goes with it.
2. My work part as I will of course, keep working - both because I love my work and because we absolutely have to have the money and insurance. 
3. MY WRITING LIFE!  (yes, I'm slowly realizing that I am, in fact,  a writer) and after I quit doing the acting thing, it's been a definite creative and healthy outlet for me, I will NOT be giving that up. And the people I've met through writing this blog have truly changed my life for the better.  Have no fear, I shall be writing for my sanity and for yours. 
4. My healthy lifestyle that I worked so hard to get going before getting pregnant.  And while I've been pregnant it's been a big part of why I look and feel so good.  I aspire to keep that shit up!  

It's so important that we keep ourselves fully rounded. We are women, gotdammit.  We are way more than just our children.  I say that with all the love in my heart for my babies, but similarly to us needing to be COMPLETELY WHOLE without a partner, we need to be completely whole on our own so that we can give so much to the people and tasks we love.  I say all the time to women I sponsor in AA, we need to be GOOD, WHOLE, COMPLETE without a partner.  Only then, can we fully give of ourselves to another.  And that takes work.  I've been that girl/woman who needed complete validation from a boy/man and it is no good. NO GOOD I TELL YA!  I choose to believe the same philosophy is true with having children.  I wrote about this here before - my babies will never have to see me drunk, if I do the work.

So, you will forgive me when I say that I am beginning to mourn my lifestyle without children.  And it is OK.  When I quit drinking I mourned that lover.  When I quit smoking I mourned that lover.  I am STILL really mourning that lover.  Every damn day.  And just like a relationship, major life changes require adjustment periods and loss and gain and everything in between.  And it is HEALTHY TO ADMIT THIS SHIT. 

My life is going to change.  But it certainly is for the better.  That is the THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY.  I can be grateful that I have learned to practice the healthy mourning of change in my life.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It is something to celebrate and acknowledge and share with each other.  No shame.  Only love and appreciation of the moment.  In a healthy supportive way.  We women need each other.  This is no time for judgement.  Just love and acceptance of who we are and what we are feeling.  I'm so in, are you?

Pause

I am an asshole.  I have to work at not being an asshole sometimes.  It's gotten so much better than it used to be, but sometimes it still seeps out, like when you fill your teeny tiny coffee mug too full and try to put the to-go top on it and coffee seeps out the side.  And then I cry.  That is my inner asshole seeping out. 

The best trick I've learned since being sober is to PAUSE. 

No matter how badly in my gut I want to respond in anger or in hurt or in tears or in venomous replies, I CAN PAUSE today.  I can yell and scream at an email or a fake person about what I'm angry or hurt about (because anger is usually a cover up for hurt - at least for me), but I do not have to respond immediately. 

I've written about this before, and due to my fiery Irish temper, it doesn't ever truly go away.  You know in the 12 step program we have what are called Character Defects, and a big part of working a good program is to get rid of these defects.  But the funny thing is, they are some of our favorite things.  I love my anger.  I love my passion.  I love my fight for the underdog no matter the cost and I don't want to apologize for that. 

But what I don't love is drama and hurt and constant wondering what is going to happen next because of something stupid that I did or said that I know I will regret almost immediately.

How often do I respond in anger or hurt and regret it?  Almost every damn time.  How often do I pause and reflect and bounce things off other people and NOT respond in anger and hurt and regret it?  NEVER. IT NEVER HAPPENS.  I pick my battles, make no mistake.  When there is something to fight, I will fight it, just not in the gut reaction way I used to. 

The good news is, I don't do that shit nearly as much as I used to.  And my life is better because of it.

People who constantly have drama in their lives, unfortunately fail to realize that at least some of that drama is their own damn fault.  I used to say, "I hate drama so much!  I don't want drama in my life!"  But then I would turn around and say something that I KNEW DAMN WELL would cause a reaction from someone.  And the cycle continues. 

After I got sober, I thought my life would be so boring that I created my own drama.  Boy did I.  These days, I try so very hard to have an HONEST, normal, quiet, happy, joyous and free existence.  And most of the time, that is exactly what I have.  I don't have to worry what the next email or phone call with be and I can look people in the eyes and take responsibility for my part in things. 

THAT IS A MIRACLE.

I had to apologize to a friend today because I was an asshole and reacted and took something out on her very inappropriately.  It's not right and it's not fair.  And the best part is I can apologize, and she has a choice of saying, "it's OK" or "screw you, you are an asshole."  Luckily for me, she was fine.  And I cried.  But what else is new?

I cannot control other people, or what they say and do to me, BUT I do find that if I am in control of my side of the street, life seems to go a lot more smoothly.  And that is something I never ever thought I would be able to say - that I love this truly drama free life of mine today.  Just like anything worth keeping, though, I must be vigilant.  My inner asshole is just waiting for me to let her jump into action.